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The Hogs of Entropy 0890
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(*) (*) * (*)~*~(*) HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #890
* 0 0 ~ 0 *
~ 0 0 ~* *~ 0 hOGS ~ "Clyde Teaches You Assholes
( 0*~*~*0 ( ) 0*~*~ oF ) A Lesson"
~ 0 0 ~ ~ 0 eNTROPY ~ By: Clyde
* 0 0 * * 0 * 10-23-99
(*) (*) ~ (*)~*~(*)
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notice! it is now time for me to show you people what happens when
nobody sends me questions! my name is clyde! i provide an email-based free
advice service! you can write to me at askclyde@usa.net! but it seems
not too many people are doing this! how do you expect me to keep
submitting exciting, entertaining content to this fine e-zine without your
support!
in order to show my disdain for your ignorance of me, i have made up
all of these questions below! the intent is to disappoint! do you want
your problems answered here! if so, just email me! i will take the time to
listen to you, and provide some useful suggestions! get a clue! it can't
get any easier!
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> Should I grow up? Sometimes I feel like I'm just a little baby.
>
> Norman
dear norman!
you are a big baby! if you need to ask a stupid-ass question like
"should i grow up," then the answer should be obvious! get a clue, stop
reading comic books, stop eating froot loops, stop wearing double-u-double-
u-eff t-shirts, and start acting like a real man!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> My boyfriend Norman is immature. I think he should grow up. I talk to
> him about this but he NEVER LISTENS and NEVER DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I
> want him to change, or I just won't love him anymore. What should I do?
>
> Pat
pat!
i like your name! i can't tell if you are a male or female, but that
does not matter! what you need to do is give normal a big list of things
you want him to change! you can't just say "change!" and expect your
demands to be met!
like, one time, i was holding up a taco bell! i gave them an exact
list of everything i wanted! for your enjoyment, here is the list!
hey taco bell! i got a hot one for ya! here is my list of demands!
1. give me the taco bell dog, dead, in a cotton sack!
2. give me a lifetime supply of free burritos!
3. stop putting those damn silly, ugly, worthless "drop a coin in
here and if it lands in the right spot, you might win a prize!"
scam boxes!
4. stop hiring employees who only speak spanish! when i place my
order with them, they do not understand what i am saying! this
angers me! i just want a "bean burrito"! god damn it, feed me!
do not make me learn your primitive tongue just so i can have my
lunch!
5. i noticed you started using those cheaper brown napkins! they are
ugly! can't you guys afford anything that's premium quality! the
ground beef, straws, plastic ware, napkins, trays, employees --
all of it is below par! i leave your restaurants unsatisfied!
6. your menus are ugly! fix them!
7. every taco bell parking lot i have ever seen suffers from a lack
of geometrical research! do you call that a parking lot! why not
give my 3-year-old a bucket of white paint and a brush! he can do
a better job! for example, every parking space in the lot should
probably be the exact same width! consider the sub-intellectuals
who frequent your restaurant! do you think they will be able to
figure out that their car does not fit next to mine, even though i
wisely avoided the misproportionate space to my left in favor of
this nearly-correct parking allocation! no! they won't! they
don't have a clue! they see two white lines in a parking lot, so
they attempt to jam their car in, no matter what! this is
completely unacceptable! fix this problem or there will be
consequences!
8. your product known as "cinnamon twists" are a total joke! get rid
of them! i would rather have some child swallow a spoonful of
cinnamon and sneeze on me than eat those damn cinnamon twists you
make!
pat! i hope this gives you some ideas! not all of my demands were
met, but at least i left the restaurant with a free meal!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> I work at Taco Bell. I'm pretty smart, and I get a lot of A's on my
> report cards, but I just feel like I have no future. What should I do?
>
> Tammi
hello!
i understand your problem! i am sorry this is how you feel! please
consider the fact that you need to get through high school before you can
accomplish anything in this world! as silly as that is, it is the destiny
that has been pre-determined for your convenience!
can you get me some free food!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> I work at a fast food restaurant. My friends keep coming in and asking
> me to give them free food. I don't want to get in trouble, or lose my
> job. But I like my friends a lot and I hate it when they tease me for
> being so honest. What should I do?
>
> Shane
dear shane!
do you really think you have a future in the fast food business! if
so, then your problem is worse than you think!
if you want to move on and do something better with your life, why
not go out with a bang! one day, just go to work and get a bunch of food!
then give it all to your friends! make sure to choose the really expensive
stuff! do this when the restaurant is completely busy, and your manager
is watching! you will then get fired, which accomplishes all of your
goals! remember, this is not a crime! it is a means to an end! everyone
is a winner!
clyde
[-----]
i hope this boring column will teach you assholes a lesson! remember
this! people have real problems! clyde has real answers! ask clyde!
have a great day!
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( *(c) hOGS oF eNTROPY pRESS* HOE #890 ~ WRITTEN BY: CLYDE ~ 10/23/99 )
