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The Hogs of Entropy 0903
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ggg "Bread: Some Shocking Facts" ggg
$$$ by -> Angeldust $$$
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$$$ (* HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #903 -- 11/29/99 *) .,$$$
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I have done a little research, and what I have discovered should
make anyone think twice.
1. More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grew up in bread consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, where virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were exceptionally high; many women
died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow
fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of consuming bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more than that in
one month.
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no low bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's
Disease, as well as osteoporosis.
7. Bread is often a "gateway" food item. It leads the user to
harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
cold cuts.
8. Bread had been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread in as
little as two days.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body
is 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead your
body to your body being taken over by this absorptive product,
turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked in temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than
one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless
statistical babble.
In light of these frightening statistics, I propose the following
bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No to Toast" campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300% Federal Tax on all bread to pay for the societal ills
we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread Free Zones" around all schools.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #903 - BY: ANGELDUST - 11/29/99 ]
