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The Hogs of Entropy 0902
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$$$ by -> Caitlin $$$
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$$$ (* HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #902 -- 11/29/99 *) .,$$$
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I am staring across the classroom at a face that's become more
familiar over the past few days. At first disgusted - now I've come to
entertain these frequent meetings of our eyes (mine and his) with a
smile and a wink. I never thought I'd be so brave.
I like watching him watch me. Sometimes I pretend he can't see
me. Sometimes I wait until i catch his eyes then smile and avert my eyes
to the chalk board quickly. The litany... the music we make each time our
stares collide is enough to keep me motivated for the next few months.
When will tenth grade ever end?
- So, in my cynicism, I barely said hello before he realized i was
curious. I think he had a hole in his smile that sort of caught me in a
trap. -
He's staring at me again. I wonder, what's so fascinating about
girls with red hair and red lips and small rib cages and big hips. Maybe
I should finish my biology homework.
Did it ever occur to him that maybe I'm not so pretty without
makeup on? Haha. Maybe underneath my clothing I look like a pear... I
don't know if my round rear end is green.
I feel really pretty today. I've got on black vinyl platforms I
had my mother buy for me off of ebay. Sometimes middle class is so ...
comforting. Or maybe just comfortable. I dislike the lack of stability,
but hell.. what can I say.. I get what I want. (almost always)
My standards aren't too high, I suppose. I'm staring back and him
and realizing what a loser he is. I think he's 17 and won't graduate
even if he goes to summer school and night school and passes all his
classes in the future. He's got pretty lips and a cute nose for a boy.
- I think I have this inferiority problem... where I convince myself
everyone is much more complex then they really are and mainly.. more
complex then me. -
I'm beginning to think something is wrong with myself. I mean, how
can he possibly stare at me this much and think that I don't know. Don't
know.. something.
`-`-`-`-`--`-`-`-`-`-`-
I just left his house. He is definitely the best kisser out of..
haha.. well... everyone. He's so fucking ignorant too. I sat and smoked
all his cigarettes while he extended his opinion on music and school and
police. It was fairly amusing, but hell... I tuned him out most of the
time. He's no different from a lot of people I am forced to interact with
in school.
I'm laying in my bed, not wondering about my future or much of
anything else... except why he kisses so good. Maybe I am under some sort
of spell. I wonder if anyone from Wayne, Michigan would be spiritually
strong enough to force people to do things with their own will. It sounds
like a bad movie.
How ironic. It just occurred to me that I may be getting the
highest grade in Biology, and he may be getting the lowest. Or, maybe his
loser friend is. Actually, his friend, Matt, I've known for quite some
time. He was the fat boy in elementary school who the girls didn't like.
He used to be really nice. My mom gave him thousands of baseball cards
one time. I can't remember exactly why my mom starting collecting sports
cards in the first place, but it didn't last long.
My nails look kind of long this week. Maybe it's because I
haven't been playing my violin much anymore.
I can't believe I am getting an A in literature/composition. My
teacher is amazing. She doesn't do anything except give extra credit for
bringing in food for her. She would be so little and petite if she wasn't
so fat. Her feet must be at least size 4 or 5. Her average weight should
be about 100 lbs. She's really short.
- What is it about obesity that makes people so uncomfortable? I sure
as hell know it isn't the seven deadly sins. Some people dig that shit
though, Have you ever seen some of those talk shows? -
``-`-`-`-`---`-`-`-`--`
- Were those computer voices some sort of pretext for the future? -
Why the hell don't I sell that electric guitar? I'd take $300 for
it, and it's in perfect condition. I think it's been played all of two
times. It's worth like $1100.
- I wonder where this anger has came from. I used to pretend I had it.
Or maybe I genuinely thought that's what it was. I hope I get into
college -
Jesus Christ, my mom decided she doesn't care if I don't go to
college. That's good. I can't possibly endure more years of direction and
learning. What the hell is education anyway? The state curriculum is
stupid. My school is stupid. My teachers are lazy and most of them don't
care about us anyway. I hate.
- I've been trying to stay motivated. I wonder where this sudden
emergence of beauty came from. I don't drink soda anymore. I don't
eat hamburgers. I don't wish ill upon anyone who doesn't deserve it. I
don't meditate. I eat granola cereal for breakfast almost everyday. I'm
an angel, I think. Or maybe just a revolutionary.
Or.. maybe I am just one of god's warriors; maybe I'm here to spy. Or
maybe I'm just a flower who's seen more then all of these seeds and
bulbs. I haven't played violin in about 5 months. I haven't made love
in 2 weeks. I can't even get off anymore manually. -
So I went to his house again today. That was the most pathetic
excuse for oral sex I've ever endured. First he just kind of poked his
tongue around like a .. I don't know, like he was trying to tenderize
meat. Disgusting. Then he just sat up and said "I know I'm horrible..
I'm sorry." I laughed and said I'd teach him a thing or two.
- I can't believe I told him I'd never had an orgasm with anyone before
in my life. -
"And I've just got one more thing to tell you.. cuz words are
vitamins and life is short."
I've got a hunch that something is about to happen. I read some
articles mentioning that humanity or society is.. anticipating..
something. Yes, I agree. I feel like I'm at such a dead end. Some boy
said my clavicle is sexy today. Some boy also asked me to give him head.
Jesus Christ, and I laugh and laugh, and do nothing besides. Well,
sometimes i just make odd face and ask if i can copy their homework.
- I'm so proud of my 4.0 but I really don't feel any different. I feel
like the middle stage of pokemon evolution. I know everything, but
something else is on it's way. Metapod. Butterfree. Beautiful voices.
Maybe if I pray for sanity I'll see the future. -
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #902 - WRITTEN BY: CAITLIN - 11/29/99 ]
