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The Hogs of Entropy 0800
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #800
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "The Golden Unmutak's Inception"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by TanAdept
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/22/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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"It's a boy, Mrs. Artesian, it's a boy."
When Oliver Artesian was born, he began an upper-class life among a
wealthy merchant family. His parents were delighted with their healthy-
looking offspring. He was going to take their fortunes into the next
century and make them even greater. After all, the Artesian family was
already reknowned for having developed almost nothing into a large trading
empire over the past seventy years.
As the years went by, Oliver grew up into a fine young boy. He
accepted everything he learned from his father without question, and took to
the sea-going life as if it were the most natural thing in the world. By
eighteen, he was the splitting image of his father twenty-two years earlier,
and with a better reputation.
In his years of middle-age, the elder Artesian was more interested in
money than in keeping a close relationship with his crew. While he did love
his son dearly, he viewed Artesian as an investment. After all, what better
way did he have to make more money and keep himself secure in his old age
than by raising a son to support him?
It has been a long-standing tradition in the history of the Artesian
trading league to have a family member aboard every trading ship. This
procided the two-fold advantage of both a check upon problems and the
morale-boosting presense of the ship's owners. On this particular day,
Oliver's father, Edward, was sitting in his cabin going over the account
books while Oliver was conversing with one of the crewmen about the
effective use of sails. When Edward summoned his son for dinner, Oliver
declined, not wanting to impolitely leave in the middle of a detailed
explanation.
He didn't know it at the time, but that was the last opportunity
Oliver would ever have to eat with his father. An hour or so later, after
finishing his conversation, he went down to his cabin to eat something.
After eating, he went to sleep rather early.
Oliver woke up a short time later to a ruckus on the deck. He
realized quickly that he was hearing the sounds of a battle. Pirates were
the only explanation. He grabbed his short sword and headed to the deck.
He looked in the chaos for his father. After a moment, he saw him, a
knife protruding from his back, straight through his gold-threaded cloak.
After a pause, his father's body toppled over the side of the ship and was
lost from view.
Oliver advanced on the man who had stabbed his father in the back.
The murderer wheeled around and looked at him. "Look, I'm unarmed! You
can't kill me!" the pirate said. As Oliver advanced upon him, he glanced
left, then glanced right. Seeing no way away from the determined teenager,
the pirate dove off the side of the ship before he could react.
Looking around, the battle seemed to be winding down. His ship
seemed have suffered a tragic defeat, but he was not going to go down for no
reason. He pointed himself toward the pirate ship and made his way to a
plank. A few pirates saw him, but didn't immediately advance upon him.
Oliver saw someone who could only be the pirate captain, looking over
his victory with a prideful grin. He yelled to the captain, "My father was
killed. Come fight me." Their eyes met and the pirate began to cross over
to the trading ship. Oliver backed up as the other pirates came to surround
him.
The pirate captain came to a few feet away from Oliver and drew his
sword. It was a long, curved blade which shone in the light of the full
moon. Oliver waved his own short sword defiantly and stood ready to face
his enemy.
He was outmatched. Oliver tried to start off aggressively, but had
the disadvantage of a smaller weapon. While his sword was lighter, he
simply could not get an opening. The pirate confidently fended off the
initial thrusts and slashes before putting Oliver onto the defensive. The
young man did his best to hold his own, but soon realized he was outmatched.
He backed up, deflected an incoming thrust and paused.
"I can't win," he said.
"Then you surrender?" asked the pirate.
Oliver nodded.
"You may serve me and join my crew or you can take a walk off the
plank."
It looks like I'm a pirate now, Oliver thought to himself. "It looks
like I'm a pirate now," Oliver told the captain.
"I'd rather be sailing"
Over the course of the next few years, Oliver served as a member of
the crew of the pirate ship Lamprey. After the first few months, he really
started to like the life of being a pirate. He rose to being first mate and
considered the captain to be a friend, as well as most of the other crewmen.
Eventually, he decided that he really wanted to have a ship of his own.
A week after a particularly successful raid, Oliver broached the idea
to the captain over dinner. "I'd like to have my own ship," he began. "We
have enough crew, and there are certainly enough ships for both of us to
plunder."
"All right, Ol. When we capture the next ship, you can take it,
along with no more than a third of the men. Do keep in touch, though."
Things went as planned. A short time later, a ship was sighted,
boarded, and pillaged. Oliver claimed it as his own, and told the crew of
the Lamprey that they could join him. The captain nodded his assent, but
only a handful of men came over to his side. They would have to be enough.
Surely they could find more sailors at a port. The money was good, after
all.
"How can you not have scurvy if you don't eat your limes?"
Oliver and his crew sailed off, hoping to find a suitable port.
Unfortunately, he wasn't versed in the arts of navigation, and neither were
any of the men with him. He began to realize just how much he didn't know
about piracy on the high seas. After a couple of weeks of aimless sailing,
the crew started to feel ill. It was scurvy. There was no question. The
crew became restless. If they didn't find land soon they would not be in
good shape.
They had other problems. Their ship didn't have a name. They didn't
even have a pirate flag, since there was only one on the Lamprey. This crew
would definitely need some help.
Fortune was with the crew, however. The next day, they spotted an
island in the distance. They brought the ship as close as was possible, and
Oliver and two men took a rowboat in. Upon reaching the island, they saw a
trail of limes leading into the trees. They began picking the limes up and
following the trail.
However, they didn't have a sack, so after a while, they stopped
picking up the limes and just continued following quickly. The trail led
into the forest upon the island and zigzagged around trees, through mud
puddles, and over fallen logs. After a good half hour of trail following,
Oliver realized something. He had been by this way before.
They continued further and saw more familiar sights. Clearly their
path had become a loop. Oliver asked the other two men to continue while he
turned around and retraced their steps. As he walked the reverse route, he
encountered a small, strange creature.
"You're a gnome!" Oliver exclaimed.
"Nope!" the small creature replied. "Guess again!"
"Well, you certainly look like one, except for that shell on your
back and the prehensile tail."
"I'm a Gaa-nome, not a gnome! My name is sGaa-nome. And your name
must be Purplefoot."
"No, my name is Oliver. I'm a mighty pirate."
"Guess again!"
"How could my name be Purplefoot? I don't even have a purple foot."
"Look again, dearest."
Oliver pulled off his boot, and realized that his foot was, in fact,
purple. "How did this happen?"
"Don't ask me," she said. "I'm just the bearer of news. By the way,
those are my limes. You can't have them."
Oliver looked at this handfuls of limes and asked, "Is there any way
I could convince you to share?"
"But if I gave them up, how could I trick people like I tricked you?
Rearranging the limes was such a good idea, wasn't it?"
"Well, yes. It was very clever. Isn't there something we can do for
you in return?"
Just then, the other two pirates came upon Oliver and sGaa-nome.
Oliver explained, "This is sGaa-nome. These limes are hers."
sGaa-nome sat down on a nearby toadstool. "Yes, there is something
you can do for me. If I leave here, I don't need the limes any more. I
wouldn't mind leaving if you can find a friend of mine. He's a
pterodactyl."
"A pterodactyl? I thought they were extinct," said Oliver.
"That would be sad. But they're not. Well, not all of them. In
fact, this one is the only one left, so they can't be extinct. So, let's
go!"
sGaa-nome picked up a few limes and put them into her sack. The
pirates collected as many as they could carry, and sGaa-nome put the rest
into her sack. She led the three men back to the rowboat, and then they
rowed back to the ship.
"I, Purplefoot, am back, and I bring limes!" Oliver shouted.
He was assaulted by a barrage of questions. "Who's the gnome?" "Can
I have a lime?" "Is that a snail or a monkey?" "Isn't your name Oliver?"
"Arrgh?"
"Don't ask why I have a purple foot," Oliver said. "But from now on,
I will be known as Purplefoot, the terror of the high seas." He looked down
and introduced the newest member of the crew. "This is sGaa-nome. She has
given us these limes. She wants us to find her friend, who is a
pterodactyl."
sGaa-nome prepared a delightful meal for the crew that evening. They
had limeade to drink, roasted limes as an appetizer, fruit salad (well, just
limes), lime pate, and lime sherbert for dessert. The crew felt better, and
they all cheered for Captain Purplefoot, "Hip, hip, hurrah!"
"The island of found souls"
sGaa-nome was an adequate navigator, who took on the responsibility
of directing the ship toward the island where she believed her friend to be
living. His name was sTanAdept, and despite being a pterodactyl, he was
known to occasionally don a radially symmetric shell. He had keen vision,
and would likely see the crew when they approached.
They were graced with favorable wind and high spirits, and before
they knew it, they had made their way to the vicinity of the island. As
predicted, sTanAdept flew over the ship and looked down at the crew. He
looked at Purplefoot, the crew, and sGaa-nome. "My snail-love!" he shouted
down.
"Hello, dearest," sGaa-nome replied. "I've been looking for you."
"Well, why don't you all come over to the island and have some tea. I
was just in the midst of a conversation with a friend, and I'd hate to be
impolite and leave her alone."
Purplefoot, sGaa-nome, and a few crewmen took the rowboat over to the
island and landed. sTanAdept directed them toward his home. "It's actually
fairly friendly for humans, since I have one living with me." He pointed
with a wing toward a ladder. "Oh, and remember to be polite to the
Princess," he said softly.
The group headed up the ladder while sTanAdept came into his dwelling
through the top. There was no roof, of course. When they entered, they all
bowed low to the princess. "Hi, Mr. Pirates. I'm Princess Red. I got lost
one time when I was supposed to be in my castle, and then I ended up here.
I just wish I didn't have to eat mushrooms. Mushrooms are yucky, but
they're all that Mr. sTanAdept ever finds on this island. I'd sure like to
go somewhere else."
"M'lady, I would be honored to escort you to our ship and accept the
honor of having you sail with us. We rarely have mushrooms on our ship, and
always have plenty of limes, thanks to sGaa-nome," Purplefoot explained and
proceeded to introduce everyone to each other.
"What an excellent crew this will be," said sTanAdept, "err, assuming
that I am welcome as well."
"Of course," said Purplefoot. "What pirate ship is complete without
a pterodactyl, after all?" Purplefoot shrugged to himself. "Now, if only
we had a flag."
"A flag?" asked Princess Red. "I could sew you one."
"That would be very kind of you, my lady," replied Purplefoot. "I
just need a standard pirate flag."
"Then you'll have one."
sTanAdept said to Purplefoot and his crew, "Why don't you go back to
your ship, and the princess and I will pack up and meet on your ship in a
few hours."
Purplefoot, the crewmen, and sGaa-nome went back to the ship and told
the others about the two new additions to the crew. The idea of a
pterodactyl in the crew was exciting, but the prospect of having a genuine
pirate flag was even more appealing.
Several hours later, sTanAdept took to the skies and gently deposited
Princess Red aboard the ship. "Oh, no, Mr. Purplefoot, this deck is far too
dirty. Fortunately, I brought my mop."
Purplefoot was shocked, "No, dear princess, you needn't trouble
yourself with cleaning. I'll have one of my men do it."
"That's fine. I'll do it. Don't worry," said the princess, and she
began to mop up the deck. "Oh, here's the flag. I hope you like it."
It was magnificent. It was much better than the Lamprey had, and
would finally make their ship look properly intimidating.
"A penultimate touch"
"Now what?" asked Purplefoot as he sat in his cabin with sGaa-nome.
"Shouldn't we start raiding ships now?"
"Not yet, Purplefoot. We still need to do something about the crow's
nest. It's not in good condition, and we need to have someone up there for
lookout. sTanAdept is good for lookout, but he can't fly all the time."
Purplefoot headed up to the deck and called to sTanAdept, "Hey,
sTan!"
The large pterodactyl swooped down and said, "Werd, purplex0r. What
can I do for you?"
"We need to find some way to repair the crow's next. See any islands
with some good wood?"
"I'll check," sTanAdept answered and flew off. An hour later, he
returned and said, "Well, I see one that should do. Follow me."
They reached the island and a group disembarked by way of rowboat.
Princess Red, sGaa-nome, Purplefoot, and one crewman landed on the island
and looked around the beach. "Hey, how's this tree look?" asked Purplefoot.
"Hays fer hroses!" said a voice. Purplefoot looked up and saw a
purple flower in the tree. It was in a pot, but seemed wilted. Perhaps it
hadn't gotten proper amounts of sun and water.
"Who are you?" asked Purplefoot.
"I'm Jolly! I'm a flower," she replied. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm looking for a tree to cut down to make wood to make a new
crow's nest."
"Don't cut down this tree!" said Jolly. "Why do you want to cut it
down?"
"I just said. I want to make a new crow's nest for our ship."
"Is it a pirate ship? I love pirates!"
"Well, yes, it is."
"I'll be your lookout! I'm a flower!"
Purplefoot considered. The crow's nest would hold up Jolly, and she
would probably be happier on the ship with some company.
"What's the ship's name?" Jolly asked.
"Well, er, it doesn't have a name yet," said Purplefoot.
"That's silly! When you have a name for it, I'll come with."
Princess Red spoke up, "I'm sure we can find a name. Let's just take
a walk around until we find something that inspires us."
Jolly gasped, "There are hroses on the island! And bad goblins!
They will grind you!"
"Arrgh! We are not afraid!" said the crewman, and the others nodded.
"Small and fast, but easy to defeat"
They four pirates walked into the woods of the island. After a short
while, they came to a small shack. In the shack was a skeleton with its
hand resting on a statue.
"What is it?" asked Princess Red.
"It's a deserted shack with a skeleton with its hand resting on a
statue," replied sGaa-nome.
"No, silly, I mean the statue."
"Oh, that's an unmutak. They're small and fast, but easy to defeat."
"How about it then," asked Purplefoot. "The Golden Unmutak?"
"Hurrah!" shouted Princess Red.
The crewman gingerly moved toward the heavy golden statue and then
realized he surely could not pick it up. sGaa-nome moved forward and
sprinkled some dust from one of her small bags onto the statue. "It should
now be light enough," she said.
It was. He picked up the statue and then turned to leave. Just
then, a blood curdling scream erupted from the far wall of the shack.
"That must be the hroses!" shouted Purplefoot. "Run!"
They all ran as fast as they could back toward the rowboat. The
noise of the evil creature was close behind them, but they seemed to always
stay just barely in front of it. Just as they emerged from the woods, they
heard the monster trip on a log and shout in pain.
They had almost forgotten the flower in their rush, but when she
cried out "The sky is falling!", Princess Red ran over to the tree, pulled
down the pot and ran back to the rowboat.
They rowed back to the ship as the hroses stood on the beach,
snarling. When they made it back, they set the golden unmutak at the prow
of the ship as a figurehead, and addressed his crew.
"From now on, this ship is the Golden Unmutak, and we will be feared
on all of the high seas. This is Jolly. She is a flower. She will watch
from the crow's nest. We now have a name, a figurehead, and a flag. And
since you have stood by me, we have a crew. Tomorrow, we pillage!"
All of the crew replied in unison, "Arrrrrr!"
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #800 - WRITTEN BY: TANADEPT - 8/22/99 ]
