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The Hogs of Entropy 0799
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #799
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "The Advice Letter Project"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by The HOE Staff
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/22/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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This is a special compilation issue. All of the HOE writers were
asked to write another HOE writer a special "letter of advice" of some
sort. The specific nature (such as length, content, direction, and purpose)
were left completely open. These selected writers were chosen by RANDOM,
using a dandy PERL script that Jamesy whipped up. Since some of the
writers didn't use conventional indicators for whom they were writing to,
I stuck an ugly header at the top of each letter indicating the author and
recipient.
You know, I didn't think HOE could possible create a compilation
file to match the pointlessness and stupidity of what's been done already,
but I was wrong. This is really fucking stupid. I had no idea the kind
of worthlessness this project might produce.
-- Mogel
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Jubjub
FROM: Caitlin
deodorant.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Daisy
FROM: Aster
asters are better than daisies.
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TO: Teerts
FROM: Isaac
You can do drugs, you can do school, but you can't do both.
Choose school.
Drink Pepsi Cola. Pepsi One only have ONE calorie!
Never awaken.
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TO: Mr A Jim
FROM: Jubjub
You should stop eating all meat, dairy, eggs, other animal products,
stop wearing leather/fur, and stop using products that have been tested on
animals. Once you have adopted a vegan lifestyle you will become more in
tune with your own body, animals, and the earth in general. Good luck!
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TO: Unrelated
FROM: RottenZ
Dear Unrelated,
Your craftmanship, when it comes to the conception and execution of
an e-zine article, is uncompared in the modern age. However, I'd advise
that you read Meenk's work, and strive to be more like her. Remember,
Unrelated, Meenk is life.
- Jon
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TO: RottenZ
FROM: AltRocks
To The Reader:
Ok, so I had to write this advice thingie for hoe. And I got one of
the worst match-ups in history. So much for Faith in PERL. I hardly ever
see RottenZ in the channel and I'm much too lazy to go back thru the
archive and read his files. I certainly wouldn't want somebody to judge
me on my t-files... after all, they're crap ! Anyway, so I decided to write
a general list of advice for anyone.
Wear sun screen. Ah, fuck it, just don't go out in the sun.
Don't trust women. And if you do trust women, then always keep
money aside where they can't find it and don't know about it.
Keep a high standard of hygiene.
Never take IRC seriously.
If it smells like shit, and looks like shit, it's probably shit.
Going under 20 does not constitute a complete stop.
Having a fake ID saying you're 22, while good for getting drunk, is
often not helpful when picking up 16 year old girls.
Listen to that voice in the back of your head... unless it's more
than one voice, of if it tells you to kill your parents.
Stay away from the brown acid.
If a powerful ethereal being asks you if you're a god, say, "Yes."
But trust me on the sun screen.
Hey, what'd you expect ? I don't exactly have a lot of advice.
Ehh..
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TO: Aster
FROM: Seaya
Dear Aster:
I advise you to have a dose of reality in your work and life.
Princesses, all caps, repeated sayings get tired after a while. Why don't
you come out about your real self and stop being silly. I'm starting to
believe you don't really exist.
-Seaya
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TO: Mogel
FROM: The Jester
dear moggie,
so. j00 want advice. ok, here goes, fellah.
firstly, do a fuckload of drugs in your short sweet life. most
people understand the goodness of this, but some people haven't yet
realized this. so, yeah, do drugs motherfucker. make other people do
drugs, too.
next, and almost as important, is the need to commit suicide at the
age of 65. i mean, god, your life is already over. all you to look
forward to is smelling like an old person, you know? no one will give a
shit about you, so why not put your faith in death?
baz luhrman sucks. his advice sucks. if you like baz luhrman,
commit suicide now.
cheese is the closest equivalent to god.
proctor and gamble poisons animal. become nocturnal. donate a dime
to the march of dimes. people who classify themselves by the music they
listen to are losers. really. beat them with plastic poles. working
sucks. quit working.
blah. i'm in a bitchy mood. always allow your moods to dictate
what you write. bitch.
heehee!,
the jester.
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TO: Oregano
FROM: Big Daddy Bill
Hi Oregeno! I'm writing this letter in response to Mogel's advice
idea. You now have the pleasure of being written the lamest advice letter
ever! Please enjoy my nuggets of wisdom:
Don't eat yellow snow. Don't eat white snow. Don't eat snow. It
causes cancer.
You are not as good-looking as everyone says you are. You're better
off dead anyway. What that means, I really have no idea but it's 3:30 in
the frickin morning and I'm being pressured into doing this, I mean really?!
I can't work under these conditions! I'm a starving artist damn it! I
demand to be fed every once in a while! Feed me! FEED ME!!!!!
My last little hairball of wisdom? Don't listen to Bill. Whatever
you do, please god don't listen to me. I smoke crack. Your mother always
told you, "Don't listen to crack heads. They love cucumbers." Maybe YOUR
mother didn't. Oh poo.
Big Daddy Bill
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: AIDS
FROM: Unrelated
Dear Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. a.k.a. - AIDS,
Try pulling yourself away from the computer for more than a week
and go fishing, or try skydiving, how about something really fun, try
hitchhiking. That's right, give up everything you have, pack a set of
clothes, a canteen of water, and a book or two(including a blank one to
write down your "adventures"). Then go stand on the ramp of interstate
with your thumb out. Visit a side of life you've probably never seen.
Trust me, it's an experience you just can't find sitting on your ass in
front of a computer.
-Unrelated
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TO: Uberfizzgig
FROM: Six
Well Scott, I read all your t-files as dear Mogel recommended, and
I have no fucking idea what advice to provide. So uhm I'm going to babbly
on about my general advice to anyone.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sun screen would
be it. The long-term benefits of sun screen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
As if no one else was tempted to do that! I have very little advice
to give. I'm only 22, it's not as if I've accumulated some vast amount of
experience. Don't run up your credit cards, but anyone knows that. Don't
go through your whole life trying to please your parents, they will never
be pleased until you are being tormented by children of your own. Listen
to 'Hair Bands' and thrash around your room, it's a good release. Don't
cheat on people its mean and just all around fucked up. If you're really
gonna cheat its a sign of relationship problems or your own problems.
Party, get drunk, let loose be crazy, it's part of being under 30. I guess
that's all I have to say.. Oh yeah one more thing...
No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the champaign
room.
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TO: Oscar Meyer Wilde III
FROM: Jammer 427
Well, how do you start an advice letter to someone who you've never
met. Who cares?
Oscar roughly the only things that I can learn about you is from
your writing. By rough study I can decipher that you are obsessed with sex
and content to telephone and harass local fast food establishments.
First off, it may not seem clear but these problems are both related
to each other. I know that you're saying, "Jammer, how can you come up with
such an amazing concept." That's my secret. Here's my advice -- GET LAID!!
Right now! You really need to get your rocks off. I'm not talking about
looking up some big breasted girls over at bustyamatuers.com and having a
primate punishment session.
It's stunningly such a sign that you are not getting laid because
you are wasting time by making those aforementioned calls to those
aforementioned fast food establishments. This is what you are doing in
place of sex.
Of course, you can tell that these calls are about sex. Your
transcript to Dunkin Donuts is between you and a woman. The donut with its
hole is a clear symbol for a vagina and that you want to be "dunkin'" her.
The other call is a travel into the homoerotic. You called a Burger
King and spoke to a man. Symbolizing a desire to have his hot, sizzling
meat in your mouth.
So you can see that a lack of sex is on display for all to see. I
don't care how you get it or how you take it, but go out and get laid. Be
it with a love or some dirty, hard, tiring monkey sex, but get some. You
really need it.
Good luck,
JAMMER427
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TO: Art
FROM: Darwin
Dear Art,
I've got some advice that I want to share with you.
*STAY OUT OF THE REAL WORLD FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE*
You may think that being in school sucks, living at home sucks, being
underage sucks, being a nerd sucks, etc., but I'm here to tell you that the
real world sucks more.
Even if you have a "good" job, you'll be playing a ridiculous game
that involves you getting up early in the morning, going somewhere where
you're paid less than you'd like to be for work that will usually be boring.
Also, you should try to be less of a dork around girls. Girls don't
like dorks. They like aggressive, obsessive dorks even less.
Try to make some sort of effort to exercise and eat food that isn't
full of fat and or chemical fertilizer or hormones. Don't smoke tobacco.
Spend less time doing dumb things on your computer.
For example, writing stupid advice letters to people you don't like.
Sincerely,
Darwin
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Meenk
FROM: Styx
Because I've a feeling that you really don't need any advice on
anything due to you having figured most things out as best as you can
already, and because I don't know any more than you do, I've opted instead
to present you with a helpful tool - something you may have never considered
that would probably make your mornings a bit less stressful, assuming you're
awake in the morning in the first place. I hope that I have helped.
section 1/1 file meenkadv.jpg [ Styxcode 2.6.6 ]
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section 1/1 file meenkadv.jpg [ Styxcode 2.6.6 ]
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Anjee
FROM: Kreid
tHSI IS SmYma YNaas Cdici viecie TO TAS DNaNJEJEE OFKATMUYMYYYYYY
OAKYYYYY?Y?Y???//
I DASAID TO myMEM MOGEL MTo DUDUDUDE IM not FGONNA WRIte WDUDUDUDE ItS"SS
THE FUCKIn SUMMERTIME *YEAHAHAHAHa** I STDONt"' WANNA do SHit BUt Get
STIZZ-ONED!!!! anD DRINK BOziZIZOO YA KNOW WHat I'm SAying DUZEZED?
OKay So liKE anJEE DSince OYOU bwAnAN AN BE LIKE , ME EliFEKE aLl thE OthER
dUZZEDEZ I'LL telL YA WhaT TO aOA OADo CUz IT"s Z REAAAAL SimYLPLE
SMOKE PLT!!!!!!!!
SEE-yA
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Kreid
FROM: Anjee
My dearest Kreid,
How does it feel to know what love, commitment, caring and all that
is all about? Because you obviously know a lot about it since you were
married for a few years. Do you honestly think that makes you more
knowledgeable than all those "inferior" humans that haven't been married?
If you don't, I feel the need to inform you that all you have said
insinuates it. Being married, paying bills, taking care of daily chores
does not make you a better person than anyone else. It may heighten your
maturity a half of a notch, but keep in mind that you're heightening your
responsibility maturity meter. However when it comes to emotional
maturity, yours is quite clearly lower than a 12 year old's.
You insist that you know so well what love is about. Love is
different for each and every person on the face of this entire planet.
Love for you obviously defines someone giving you all you need, to satisfy
you and only you. And even if you do/did know what love is, that doesn't
entitle you to constantly rip on someone because they haven't had the
chance to experience it. Tim obviously dated you because he liked you, and
you must've felt the same way if you agreed to proceeding in that path.
He wanted to show you how he felt and was punished and cursed at for doing
so. And even if you didn't care for him (which puzzles me, because you
still pursued the dating for a short while apparently knowing this.) you
cannot automatically assume that he did or didn't care for you.
I can see that you're obviously scarred from your experiences with
Glenn, but that does not mean that every one that feels anything beyond
friendship for you wants to control you. It phases me how you associate
concern with control without thinking twice. If Tim wanted you to inform
him where you were that one weekend, it's not (surprise, surprise!) because
he wants to control every part of your life, but more because for all he
knows, you could've been laying in a ditch in the middle of nowhere,
bleeding to death. Sue him for being worried. I'm sure even a 5 minute
phone call from wherever the hell you were would've eased his mind. And as
you said, it is okay to be selfish, but being too selfish is certainly no
good to no one. Life is give and take (I can psycho-babble and say "You
are given life, and later on, it is taken back. It's a prime example of
life's give and take motto", but I'll spare you from at least that.) You
want a person who will give give give, and if not they can go screw
themselves, and for this reason it's pretty obvious that Tim isn't and will
never be for you.
Knowing 1/100th more about life than Tim may or may not know does
not make you better than him. You keep insisting on how you know so much
and how it makes you better, then you say how he is nor superior nor
inferior to you, then continue on with your self-glorifying "I know more
about so and so". You can do what you want, and you are right for saying
so. But dating someone you don't want to date, but are dating because you
have nothing better to do does is just wrong. But then again, for reasons
that no one probably knows, you pursue the dating and constantly lash out
and the other party for showing the tiniest amount of care and concern, I
mean CONTROL.
I could go on and on but 1) I don't see why I should for reasons
other than telling you what exactly is wrong about yourself, your
personality. 2) Because you may just ignore this e-mail entirely.
3) You'll probably e-mail me back telling me what love is like. etc. etc.
I will put it as plain as day, you are clearly a (no, not selfish.
you're beyond that) egotistical psychopath that is in serious need of
psychiatric help and sympathy fucks.
Sincerely Yours,
Anjee.
P.S. On a positive note, it's a great idea to not trouble yourself
with homophones.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Nybar
FROM: Effy
Dear Nybar,
There's so much I've heard about you.
There's so much I want to tell you about what I've heard about you.
What do I tell an adolescent boy from the East who raps on
Phairgirl's answering machine? I have heard the songs Nybar, I have heard
them, but there lies a seemingly unfixable problem here.
You are white.
But that can all be fixed!
That brings me to my point of advice:
I suggest that you should have a make over. You need to turn
yourself into a gangster. Not like that pussy white ass Eminem or that
rotten bag of overrated shit Everlast, but you need to look, act, and feel
like a thug straight out of the ghetto. First thing, for all practical
intentions and purposes, you should probably be black, because white
gangsters don't cut it these days. If you can't afford the surgery, get a
good can of non-toxic paint. Next, if you have any length for hair and
it's not dark, you're going to need to dye it or just shave your head.
Next, make sure you have the proper attire; I'm sure you know how to dress.
Now, get a gun. Get a lot of guns. Don't buy them, steal them. And just
for practice, rob a convenience store. And I want you to start smoking
crack. Smoke lots of crack. And when you can't get crack, smoke pot. But
make sure you're never clear-headed so you don't realize what the hell
you're doing. Freestyle on corners of favorite localities, and make some
friends that aren't on the internet. Start your own gang, and when you get
big and powerful enough, turn it into a record label. Then start recording
your own rhymes. Everyone will love you and want to smoke crack with you.
People will be honored when you rob them and will then want to smoke more
crack with you. You'll be able to delete your internet porn, sell your
computer, and buy more crack. Hoochies will sleep with you all day and all
night. You'll get so very much ass.
If nothing else... do it for the nookie, Nybar. Do it all for the
nookie.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Reflecks
FROM: LilNilHil
Dear Reflecks.
i have no advice for you. i don't know who the hell you are, or what
your problems are like, or how your life is. here is advice on how to be
me. never floss. never form 'intimate relationships'. don't trust anyone.
don't eat right. always be late. never call or write anyone back. be an
asshole. know that the glass is half full of shit and that there aren't any
lights or tunnels. laugh for no reason. do way too many drugs. lose
everything that is important to you. smoke. never keep a job for more than
3 months. don't hate love or believe in anything. take up on every
diversion from reality you can find. never look someone in the eye, unless
yer gonna fuck with them. be dangerous. be unpredictable. wear old
clothes. be humble. like a cat that is tied to a stake that is driven
into frozen winter shit. be dreary/aloof/witty/angsty/sick/jaded/
disenchanted/desensitized. as the fools are fooled again... but most
importantly, never have even the slightest fucking possibility of a clue as
to what the hell you are doing.
goodbye,
-danny
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Jammer 427
FROM: Trilobyte
jammer 427,
take to heart the ideals of the man who walked the master plan, the
one who got rid of all hypocrisy and lived the life of a rockstar genius.
wear the tights that show your muscular legs and travel amongst people as
the most famous of all, the one with the pointy beard. when a hangover
takes its hold, stuff your mouth with a big mac -- bears only eat
vegetarians -- and you will become better, you will become oodles of
puddles of lovy goodness, and you will shine with the brightest of human
fathers.
when trouble comes your way, wave your arm in the air and shout
"BEGONE! YONDER HEATHENS". put on your spirit-shield as to not allow any
troubled souls to enter the church known as YOU. levitate regularly to
help digestion. god appreciates those who burp trees. god appreciates
those who appreciate god. those who appreciate god appreciate god's
goodness and the other things that they appreciate but some other people
don't.
don't listen to the people who appreciate god. listen to the voice
of the minister of the church of YOU. listen to that speaker implanted in
your chest, follow its words, and you will understand exactly why you're
sitting down by the river playing a guitar. you will be able to rock with
the long-gone souls, you will pee on master fisherman, throw rocks at
heads, and cross bridges upside-down.
you will be able to move mountains once you become strong enough to
do so.
--trilobyte
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Hardcore
FROM: Reflecks
hardcore, dear friend.
i shall skip the advice, the wise words of wisdom, the little gems
of knowledge so often given out, and, instead, present you with a story.
there once was this little, nasty, dirty, old man who lived alone in
a decaying grey clapboard house in the city. he loved pornography.
hardcore, softcore, dutch, kitty, video, audio, streaming, anime, you name
it. in fact, he loved porn so much, he often forgot to feed his (now dead)
dog, Handjob. Handjob was a wonderful pooch, arriving at his front door
one day with mottled fur and a note around his neck which read "Please take
care of me, my owners can't stand the stench." The man soon found out the
dog's love of peanut butter, and, quickly, Handjob became this man's
greatest friend. All day, all night was spent with the dog, and the both
shared a "special" bond. The two, one day, were watching the man's favorite
pornographic video, "Naughty Nurses of Nantucket VI", when, in a freak and
unrelated accident, the man's wrist flew off. Frightened and aghast, he
continued his current job with his other hand. Again, his wrist flew off.
This time, careful not to step on his now severed wrists, he looked for
Handjob. Searching High and Low, he finally found his favorite peanut-butter
loving hound in the bathtub, reclining back, sipping a tall glass of Jack
Daniel's and Lemonade. The man screamed. "YOU'RE NO DOG! YOU'RE A FUCKING
MIDGET." With that, he swore off porn and any form of sexual
gratification. He became a eunich and, later, a boy's choir leader at the
local church.
So should you.
-much luck, sock.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Swiss Pope
FROM: Girl From Mars
My Darling One and Only SwissPope,
If I can impart nothing but these few pearls of wisdom, so be it.
If my text files have not yet touched you in weird and wonderful ways, let
this be the first to rock your world. Let me forewarn you that my advice
to you is incredibly important, that you will carry these words with you in
your heart until the end of time. Now listen, and listen good.
I will start off with the most earth-shattering, life-altering
counsel you will receive. In the course of time, we human beings have
desires, some of which are socially acceptable and some of which are not.
There are things we really dream about doing, our fantasies, if you will.
These fantasies are an integral part of life and are essential to one's
mental health, but can potentially do much harm. Yes, I'm talking about
most everyone's aspiration to perform this one idiotic act that, in giving
them the guilty pleasure they unconsciously seek, could just as soon kill
them. Naturally, you can guess what I'm about to say. Don't whiz on the
electric fence! Don't do it! I don't care what your friends are doing, or
how many of the cool MTV kids support this risky activity, just please,
don't. If I reach you with nothing else, I will feel fulfilled having
known this bit of information has been passed on.
My other advice to you is not as all-encompassing, but is useful
nonetheless. Again, as humans we have desires, and sometimes our desires
get in the way of our sanity and/or everyday functioning. As important as
it is not to let your fantasies get the better of you, it is equally
meaningful to heed my warning: Never ever ever listen to 'The Safety
Dance' by Men Without Hats on repeat. You will get it stuck in your head,
and then it will slowly spread to the rest of your body, and before you
know it you'll be dressed like someone out of a renaissance faire and
you'll be looking at your hands. Listen to me! I've seen it happen to the
best of people, and I don't ever want to see it again.
I hope I have gotten through with some of my advice, I feel so much
better knowing that I've passed on the wisdom I've acquired in my travels.
Take care of yourself, and remember, you can dance if you want to.
Yours,
The Girl From Mars
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Trilobyte
FROM: Miasma
<Insert music to "Everyone's Free (to wear sun screen)">
--> Don't stick a fork in an electrical socket. It does no good but can do
lots of harm.
--> If you ever are in mixed company, and you sneeze, and you can't find
yourself a tissue to wipe that dreaded snot off your nose, don't worry.
But don't use someone else's shirt to alleviate yourself of the problem.
--> Your amiga setup is rad. Don't change it for anything.
--> Don't rape goats. It's not a polite thing to do. Goats can't talk
back to you. They can't say "NO!". They can't scream "RAPE!".
Furthermore, and most importantly, they can't tell you whether to go
'harder' or 'faster' or 'a little to the left'.
--> Mitosis makes my toes grows, Meiosis makes me.
--> You look like this guy I know named Abe. I told you this already.
So, disregard this piece of advice.
--> Eat live goldfish. It won't make you any more healthy, but hey... it's
damned entertaining. Just make sure you have an audience.
--> It takes 3 polish men to screw in a lightbulb. I forget the rest of the
punch line.
--> In order to get my house, you need to make a left onto Cerenzia Blvd.
That's something you always need to know.
--> Serve me.
--> If you ever have holes in a white wall, toothpaste works wonders as to
covering it up. Likewise, if you kill someone on accident. Suicide
notes and wiped fingerprints can fix the situation right up.
--> Don't eat paste. I did at a young age, and look at what happened to me.
--> HOE is like a drug, GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: AltRocks
FROM: Cyn
Dear Altrocks,
Here, my dear, are some words of advice, which may or may not be
influenced by how I spent my weekend.
Do not, under any circumstances, make major decisions while on
Ecstacy. Decisions you should not make include things such as going to
Vegas because the batting cages are closed, or going home with that awfully
nice bisexual drug dealer you met once before at another party, and have
been making out with all night. Letting him put his hands down your pants
in the bleachers probably isn't that great a decision either, even if your
sweater was in your lap.
If you, foolish thing that you are, do decide to go home with the
dealer, you should, before your other ride leaves, make sure that your keys
aren't in the back seat of your other ride's car, and also that you can get
a ride to your home from the home of the dealer, especially if he lives
over an hour away from you. You should not expect your best friend to save
you, because, although you were supposed to meet him at Denny's that night,
and your ride has told him that you went home with Jaws and Shane, it is
quite possible that he has made the first mistake mentioned, and is over
halfway to Vegas. Oh, and when you find this out, it's probably
counter-productive to spend five minutes screaming "I'm so fuct," although
it may make you feel better.
Even if you are stuck with the dealer and friends until you figure
out a way to get home, having sex with him on the floor of his friend's
bathroom while his two friends are off snorting lines of K is probably not
the best idea. Also, it should be remembered that while some people, such
as yourself, may want a cigarette after such things, others, such as the
drug dealer, may want to snort animal tranquilizers. And yes, there are
situations where snorting K is allowed, and smoking isn't.
The best way to get home is to think up a real good lie, blame all
of this on your best friend, and call your parents. It will get you home
for free, and if you lie well enough, you won't even be in trouble.
Oh, and you may want to hide those hickeys before you go out with
the other boy you're dating. If you see them before the next day, that is.
Lots of Love, and Best of Luck,
Cyn
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Paganini
FROM: Quarex
"How to configure your Pagan.ini file"
by Quarex
Not many of you have any real idea what your Pagan.ini file does.
Hell, most of you might even spend your entire lives without even noticing
it. Trust me, though, while it seems to be a useless part of your
computer, it performs several crucial functions that you cannot live
without.
Let us quickly examine line 22 of the Pagan.ini file:
FeastOfBeltane=True
Now, without this line, none of your chanting will even have the
desired effect. Furthermore,
[Quarex was then killed]
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Issac
FROM: Tasha
Dear Isaac,
There's this crazy Hoe project about advice letters now, and a silly
program randomly chose me to write the advice letter to you. Or maybe it
chose you to receive the advice letter from me. Either way you look at it,
you're getting an advice letter from me/I am writing an advice letter to
you. And isn't that grand? This will probably be a fairly forced advice
letter, since Mogel already gave me a one day extension and I have exactly
33 minutes before that one day extension runs out. Anyway, on with the
show...
"Hey Tasha. I have nothing to say in this letter. I feel a need
to take up space, though, to make you happy. Many times I feel like I only
show one side of me to you, the side you like. I don't think you would
like the other sides of me. In my honest opinion. So, that is why I only
show one side. I like to be loved, especially by you, but many times I
feel guilty, like I am leading you on, to make you think I am a certain
way."
It's kind of sad that you not only divide yourself into sections,
but that you choose what sections can come out at certain times. That's
sort of borderline multiple personality disorder, or something. I think
you should stop.
"I like it when girls(crossed out) people are honest and 'mean'
to me. It makes me feel like it doesn't matter. So, I let all of my
personality show."
I think that your crossing out "girls" is either you:
(a) trying to hide your sexism
(b) trying to hide your natural human sexuality
(c) trying to hide the pleasure you get from a submissive role in
a male-female relationship
(d) changing your mind
This, too, could be bad. Maybe you should stop.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Cyn
FROM: Neko
My dearest Cyn,
I was informed over a week ago that I needed to write a letter of
advice to you, and so this is what I am doing, a mere 24 hours before the
deadline. I hope my advice helps you through life.
Keep in mind that I have never talked to you, nor have I ever
emailed you. We haven't even had a so-called "hot chat". So, my advice
for you will be based on information you have made public -- your h0e files,
your web page, and anything else I might find while digging through the
dirt. Don't expect this to be in much order, as I am essentially following
hyperlinks, and therefore my comments will also be "hyper" to say the
least.
The first thing I have noticed about you is that although you seem
to be a great speller, you consistently misspell "really" as "rilly". You
misspell it so often that it makes me wonder if perhaps you are
*intentionally* spelling it that way. If so, please stop. Do us all a
favor. There was a girl I went to school with named J--- who spelled
really like you do, and she is a big idiot, even if Trilobyte had a crush
on her for quite some time. Anyway, she had long blonde hair that would
sometimes magically turn purple or green. She was lanky, and she always
had this stupid look on her face, like she was high. But she probably
wasn't high, she was just stupid. She was a pretty good artist, but all
of her art looked like she was trying to live in the 60s and impress her
pseudo-hippie friends. Cyn -- I sincerely advise you not to turn into
J---.
You know what else, I am looking at your "Church of the bunny" page
and I realize that J--- had a strange obsession with bunnies, too. Once I
wore a Beck t-shirt to school that said "The best thing was taking the
stage higher than a kite" and some other words I don't remember (damn, I
almost wore that shirt today!). Anyhow, in the crowd, there is a bunny.
J--- said "nice shirt," giggled, then pointed at the bunny. What a dumb
girl. Don't be that dumb girl! However, I did notice that you mentioned
worshipping small furry animals. Instead, you should worship the Super
Furry Animals, a Welsh psychedelic pop band. They are really (with an EA)
good.
Well, this was pretty pointless. I was looking for something
glaringly obvious that was wrong with you, but there wasn't really
anything. The only problem I can find is that you remind me of J---. And
that's not really your fault. Bunnies would probably be OK with me if it
wasn't for her, but "rilly" wouldn't be. You really should spell "rilly"
correctly.
In any case, you like Belle & Sebastian (or at least quote them,
which is cool enough), you seem like you're having a lot more fun at
college than I am, and all of this is happening in OHIO, the single
shittiest state in the USA. Or at least the shittiest state between
Illinois and Philadelphia (not counting New Jersey, as it's only on the
Swiss Pope route to Philly).
So yeah. Rock n roll all night, party every day. This, dear Cyn,
is my advice for you.
Respectfully yours,
Neko
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: LilNilNil
FROM: Mutter
Dearest LilNilHil:
Before I give you advice, I'd first like to tell you I'm a fan of
your writings. Every once and a while I like a HOE file enough to print it
out.... "I think your problems are very trite" was one of these files.
It ruled!@#
Now that that's out of the way I have to tell you what every member
of HOE has been thinking but was too afraid to say: you should give up
your "career" as a gangsta rapper. Time for a reality check: You're a fat,
balding, 38-year-old jew from the suburbs who still lives with his parents
and, frankly, your shit is whack. You're not gonna get a deal. I don't
care what you say, Puff Daddy is NOT your half-brother! It's time to stop
living the lie. The thug life ain't for ya.
See, you seem like a cool guy with some skill -- this makes it
extremely hard to accept your airplane-glue-dependency. That junk's a
dead-end road, my friend (believe me, I know). Remember that time we took
those hot catholic school girls out to dinner and you kept sneaking off to
the bathroom?... we all noticed the airplane glue on your upper-lip. It
was embarrassing. You have a problem. I know you think sniffing airplane
glue "enhances" your creative writing skills but it doesn't... it hinders
them. Stay clean, brother!
sincerely,
Mutter
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Phairgirl
FROM: Rhea
Dear phairgirl,
Isn't it amazing that *you* are my "random, selected writer"?
You're right, I don't think it's amazing either. Hmm.
Well, first of all, I would like to say that I like Liz Phair, too.
I just found out a few days ago that my friend's mother works with Liz
Phair's dad. Small world, eh? Maybe I can get some concert tickets
through her... that would be good...
Second of all, your HOE writing is impressive because it's so very
prolific, and because of its broad range in topics. You are not just the
ordinary HOE writer who churns out an angsty rant every once in a while....
you churn them out much more often! No really, whenever I see a new HOE
file written by you, I know it will be something interesting. For example,
"Three Stories for Children of All Ages" was interesting because I had no
idea what you were talking about at all, and so it was funny.
Third of all, you devote so many hours upon hours of your precious
time -- hours from the prime of your life which you will never get back and
which you will lament about taking for granted later, when you are old and
grey-haired -- to editing HOE, and I like HOE, so I like you! Thanks,
phairgirl!
My advice to you is to take a long walk in your local park and write
a HOE file about the homeless people you see there, because you haven't
done that yet. My other advice is to print this advice letter and post it
on your mirror so you can see it everytime you look at your reflection, so
you have one more thing to help you marvel at the wonder that is...
phairgirl!
Sincerely,
Rhea
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Laja Ajna
FROM: Oscar Meyer Wilde III
Dear Laja Ajna,
You like the internet. You are a special human being, with special
abilities, special skills, and unique qualities that make you stand out
from most everyone else in this sickly world... but, you like the internet.
There's nothing wrong with liking the internet--I download massive amounts
of porn from it--but you like it. I'm just pointing it out. You surf the
web. You shimmey down the GO NETWORK, without a paddle. Without sneakers.
You're dancing, you're in flip-flops, on the internet, speaking your mind.
And you like doing it.
My advice to you is very vague, my dear Anja. Make a single choice.
Whatever do I mean? I think that your powers and interests lie in
many things, and many people. And again, there is nothing wrong with that.
You like what you like. However, I believe that you will accomplish much
more, and be more truly happy when you begin to focus your energies on
a single task, and a single person. You will find that with these new,
focused energies you will gain insight into yourself you have never before
known. I know it sounds trite, and that's because it is--but it really
does work. Give it a shot.
And keep the flip-flops. They're cute.
And no, you do not know me in the slightest.
Yours till the bitter-sweet end,
Oscar Meyer Wilde III
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Styx
FROM: Teerts
dear mattstyxxxxxx,
my dear, dear friend, i am writing this, in part, to let you know,
as a friend should, just in how much peril you've placed yourself. this
obsession which you have for this so-called entertainment medium known as
'wrestling' will only lead to your damnation and loss of hair. these
'wrestlers' which you 'worship' and pay money to watch makes fools of
themselves wearing leotards and unitards, and other silly tight clothes
worship the one, fat almighty dollar. the iron sheik, when he puts his
arm around you, dear matt, and runs his hand through your long hair and
embraces you in a pose for a picture, he is not really thinking about you.
he sees another pretty young thing with long hair in whose pants he'd love
to put his big strong muscular hands.
beware, matthew.
when king kong bundy points his trigger finger at your head, he is
not merely posing for a picture with you, he is warning you. he warns you
of the evils of wrestling. he is saying 'don't be me, kid. you'll get
fat, lose your hair, and have to resort to extortion to feel good about
yourself.' you pose next to him, fist in air as if to say, 'i gotcha, king
kong, word is born.' but you don't really. you merely think you do.
do you see what i am getting at, matthew?
only incessant masturbation is left. at that point, were it to
happen, and let us pray it does not happen, you may as well become a
wrestler and or kill yourself. please, stop it now. you are headed down
the wrong path with these delusions of yours. this commissioner pez must
die. you must kill him before he takes control of you.
although i originally began this with only wrestling in mind, i fear
that if i do not warn you of other evils, you may be lost.
matt, i beg of you, please stop smoking the marijuana.
tool, what is this which is called tool? not merely a band, this
'group' is really a propagandist organisation spreading falsehoods about
free thinking and individuality. they poison america's youth with
misinformation which causes discord in the social structure. it also
causes angst.
just think, matthew, wwjd?
as my final warning, styxxmatt, beware your sister. she may not
seem so, but she aims to lure your friends with her charm thereby causing
discord between you and your friends. familial tendencies will cause you
to take your sister's side, thereby placing many a friendship in jeopardy.
perhaps you could gently influence her to give up her evil ways. her goth
obsession is, by far, the worse of the bunch.
remind her, in daily conversation that:
1. one should not drink blood.
2. she is not a genie, no matter how decent her velvet pants are.
3. people cannot really fly at night, even with a hoover.
4. korn is not goth (nor, for that matter, is manson).*
5. she is cute.
beware of these perilous things, matt, i will end this letter here,
and will just tell you that you must be careful with every move you make.
they are after us.
-cm/teerts
endnotes:
* - by her sweet juxtaposition of sub-genres, she only serves to
confuse herself (in her search for an identity**) as well as
those around her who just look on and ask themselves 'what is
wrong with that damned kid?' or rather those who, know that
she, being part of the medication generation, is just going
through a phase.
** - see hippy phase, celine dion affinity, and fake breast incident.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Girl From Mars
FROM: Mr A Jim
Dear GrlFrMars,
In the old country, there was a popular folk tale. Mothers would
frequently recite it to their children. Of course, the children had heard
it hundreds of times past, but it was told and told again. This is how
valued it was. It would come up in fierce political debates in the town
square. Men would whisper it to their wives, even during the most intimate
of situations. And now I will recite it to you.
There once lived a boy in a tiny cottage. The cottage had a
spectacular view of the surrounding hills. But the boy wasn't interested.
He had found a small, moss-covered rock on one of his daily trips to the
river. Since then, he had never left the cottage. Every day, he would
rise early to polish and clean the rock. He wished he could be the rock.
Then everything would turn out just fine, he decided. The other boys who
had played with him at the riverside did not know where he was. After a
while, they stopped caring about him. The boy had no friends. Then, he
was run over by a truck.
It brings a tear to my eye when I read your HOE articles; I like to
think that if my sainted mother were still around, she would have told this
tale with a particular intensity after having read them.
Quite obviously, you are becoming the Boy with your self-indulgent
writing. Here's a brief synopsis of the body of your literature:
"MY secret life"
"MY super pillow"
"What shit I had to go through on break"
"ME and MY doctor"
"Why I'M such a superhero"
"Why I can't hold down a solid job"
"I'M so cool with MY mix tapes"
"MY journal and all the stuff I did"
Unfortunately, creative titles can't hide the fact that your
exponentially-growing self-absorption has become you and completely taken
over your persona. My only advice for you is to start hanging out in
#ezines, an IRC channel that I conceived, designed, paid for, and now
exclusively moderate. You're quite welcome to drop in any time you feel
the need to write about yourself.
Don't get run over by a truck,
Mr. A. Jim
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
```
TO: Effy, Big Daddy Bill, M4D 3LF, Darwin, Ashtray Heart, and Mutter
Because Clyde, Paganini, Art, M4D 3LF, Hardcore, and Laja were lazy,
the 6 of you do not have a letter. Rather than have you guys dare to live
without any sort of advice, I took it to the brutal land of IRC. I asked
various, random HOE writers for words of advice for any one of you 6.
Here's what people said.
Big Daddy Bill:
"stop trying to sound like beavis and butthead." - Tasha
"sand is waste. don't kill that many trees." - Trilobyte
"Steve says you have my Beat2000 warez. If you have it,
I really need it back." - Phairgirl
"Move out of Iowa." - Jubjub
":)" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III
M4D 3LF:
"don't get married." - Tasha
"don't ignore the mountains." - Trilobyte
"If you find that you actually DO have my Beat2000 warez,
please return it or you owe me $60. By the way, where are
my other 2 CDs you borrowed over a YEAR ago? Get it
together, man!" - Phairgirl, YOUR NEW MANAGER
"Move out of Iowa." - Jubjub
"=^]" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III
Effy:
"stop typing *L*" - Tasha
"DAMN THE MAN! THE ESTABLISHMENT BE BRINGING YOU DOWN!
FIGHT THE POWER! DONT FALL VICTIM TO THE LABELS!" - Miasma
"live your life in a bowl of peaches and cherries." - Tbyte
"Move out of Iowa." - Jubjub
":-O" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III
Mutter:
"Don't feed the goldfish." - Miasma
"introduce a friend of yours to the 'zine scene. make sure
their handle is 'mumble'." - Jubjub
"the buzzing in your ears is a language. hear it." - Tbyte
"Write for HOE." - Mogel
":|" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III
Ashtray Heart:
"Never change at all because you are incredibly rad." - Six
"Keep yourself on that higher plane of existence." - Miasma
"ashtray heart should know that not many people will be
familiar with 'susperia' or whatever." - Styx
"german may be good, but austrian is better." - Trilobyte
":(" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III
Darwin:
"stop telling everyone how to live their lives." - Tasha
"Get off of so many drugs, get into therapy. Stop being
nice--let the inner asshole out. Also, don't contemplate
beating people who poke fun at Tekken 3." - Nybar
"it's ok, i'm sure the rash will go away soon enough, just
be sure to wash properly." - Teerts
"Avoid Splinters, Wear Shoes." - Miasma
"he talks kinda loud and maybe he shouldn't." - Styx
"legalize infatuation." - Trilobyte
"Move to Philadelphia." - Mogel
"get a faster cd burner." - Jubjub
":D" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III
GENERAL ADVICE:
"Don't get into a land war with Asia." - AltRocks
"I am Drunk." - Neko
"Being smart doesn't make you better than other people,
so don't act like it does." - Six
"Yes, become vegan, live in an earthship, be non-violent,
take up grassroots activism, and stop shaving your
armpits." - Jubjub
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Miasma
FROM: Kaia
dear miasma,
this is my second day in bulgaria, and my first time in europe.
this is also my first email there, and it is to you.
i am staying at a hostel affiliated with the university of plovdiv
in the town of plovdiv. practically no native bulgarians speak english,
and communication has been extremely difficult. on the other hand, there
are certain english words that everybody here knows about: coca-cola.
mcdonalds. nike. marlboro. pepsi. lucky stripe. here at my summer
program in linguistics, all of the ~60 students from around the world speak
some degree of english, because they knew that classes would be conducted
in english by professors from around the world. i have become accustomed
to speaking slowly, separating words and using simple terms.
what country are you from? what university do you attend? is this
your first time in bulgaria? are you going to class? no, me neither!
i am actually cutting class (attendance is actually NOT mandatory
and in fact we are encouraged to go to only what we are interested in) with
my new friend, dragana. she is from serbia, university of belgrade.
luckily, serbian is similar to bulgarian -- their alphabet is cyrillic --
so we have been able to navigate to the university (where email is) from
the hostel (where classes are) with no problem.
well, almost no problem. by the time we realized we took a wrong
turn while walking, we had gone too far to correct our mistake. we were
advised to take a bus (costing 200 lev, approximately nine cents) and had
to ask several people before we could effectively get specific directions
to the university that dragana could understand. the boy selling bus
tickets on the bus was eyeing my camera and i thought he wanted to steal
it -- i had been warned many times of the high crime rates here, and how
tourists are often cheated by taxi drivers (as i was -- twice -- paying $6
for two 20 minute cab rides, instead of the customary $0.70) but instead,
this boy (clad in a shiny blue adidas shirt) gestured to me that he wanted
his picture taken. i took out my camera and he communicated "no, take THAT
guy's picture!" and pointed to his grinning friend, who was obviously a bit
embarrassed. so i took his friend's picture and we all laughed.
another time, i was poised to take a picture of gratuitous american
corporate advertising on the streets and waiting for someone interesting to
walk by, for a candid shot. a young couple begged through gestures for me
to take their picture. generally, as an obvious foreigner, i am totally
treated like a novelty. i have not seen any other asian people yet. even
in this summer program, students from other countries ask me many questions
about life in the united states (it is hard for many european students to
get visas to visit the US).
the girls and women here are *all* very slim and dress fashionably
trendy. my bulgarian roommate says that this is partially due to a
bulgarian economic crisis, and that anorexia is problematic for women here.
music tee shirts are also common: mostly nirvana, but also korn and
miscellaneous 80s metal bands. graffiti shows some political slogans
("kosovo is not monica, bill!" takes only two bulgarian words to say,
apparently) as well as more names of bands ("slayer"). i saw an old poster
advertising an upcoming metallica and monster magnet show. samhain will
also be passing through.
this is supposed to be a letter of advice, so let me give you advice
should you ever decide to visit plovdiv, bulgaria:
1) bring shower shoes. the bathroom in my double room in the hostel
is smaller than arm's width and consists of a broken toilet (the t.p.
doesn't go down and is a constant wad at the bottom of the bowl), a dirty
gray floor with a drain on the side, a sink that spews water both into the
sink and all over the floor, a small mirror on the wall, and a faucet
hanging from the ceiling that is the shower, so when you shower, the whole
bathroom gets wet, including the toilet, but not its overhead flush tank
nor chain you pull to flush it.
2) bring small denominations of american bills. you will need them
to pay the taxicab driver in case he doesn't take you to a "change" to
exchange your currency, first.
3) bring food. the most popular food here is balkan cheese, which
is like feta but much saltier and stronger. it's butt cheese incarnate.
other popular foods are meat, and meat, and salty rolls, and this drink
(made from fermented wheat) - not beer, but something that looks like brown
yogurt, and containing alcohol.
i actually have to run, the lab is closing "now".
ciao (as they say here)!
kaia.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Six
FROM: Nybar
Since the recent end of my cryogenic containment beneath POUPEY HQ
(to return only when the world once again needed me), I've had a vague
sense of... something missing... in my life. To wit, I felt like shit.
To rhyme, I... didn't feel sublime. Uh, where was I? Ah yes, I felt
something was MISSING from my life. What could it be, I asked? Perhaps a
silly HOE group project, I answered! Yes!... but there was a problem, how
to bring this about? Mogel has been so mopey lately, it seemed unlikely he
was going to start one of those silly old-school style 'zine community
thangs.
Well, I found a way. Oh yes. I found a way...<cracks knuckles>.
There's no point to this back story, just taking up space, hm. My attorney
advises me to begin t
he advice file. This one is to SIX. Here we go:
Well, it seems there was once a fox--bear with me--and the fox's
name was Bob. Now, Bob was a very, very silly fox, and sometimes he smoked
just a bit too much ganja. Now, usually Bob was a malicious fox, delighting
itself and all around with it's cruelty, and all was well! But when Bob
smoked too much marijuana, he had an annoying habit of hugging every
woodland creature in sight! Now, what with the sharp claws of a fox, even
the happiest, dancin'-est woodland creatures didn't appreciate this! So
they made a--what? Advice to the wrong person? Well shiiiit. I'll just
start again.
Okay, advice to Ali. Well, the main thing that I've noticed about
Ali is that... she's a girl. Okay, there's nothing wrong with that.
Roughly 51% of the population of the world are grrrls, and I'd be going out
on quite a limb if I called them all freaks (but I'll do it anyway: fucking
freaks.)
But, the fact that she's a girl taken together with the fact that
she's from New Jersey, is a deadly molotov cocktail, and #ezines is the
tank being destroyed, baby. Some of the researchers at POU-labs have
simulated the typical IRC output of a NJ-Girl...
---
*** `six` (njgirl@heretoannoyus.com) joins #wahwahwah
<`six`> hey, guess what!
<Mogel> Um, what?
<`six`> [Insert name of random guy whose name changes every day here] stood
me up! Again!
<Mogel> Too bad!
* `six` thinks: what a mannnnn...
<Mogel> Six, I'd go out with you in a second, if only you were born on the
vernal equinox of a prime-number year, only wore red, and loved the
same cinema I did!
--OR--
*** `six` (dumbnj@stereotypical.net) joins #whoopdefuckingdoo
<`six`> hey, guess what!
<Mogel> Um, what?
<`six`> Well, Johnny (who has a beautiful tushy, let me tell you! I could
eat his tushy up! Tushy tushy tushy!) went out on a date with meee!
He's so dreeeammmyy..
<Mogel> Yay!
<`six`> hmmm, I'm going to go vomit right nowww...
---
Don't believe me that this problem is pervasive? Independent
researchers have also documented similar behavior, see:
http://www.theonion.com/onion3525/ebay_hooray.html
And other editorials by Jean Teasdale. Don't think it's a problem?
Well, it is! The threat of the dumb New Jersey girl is one of the biggest
problems facing IRC today. It is estimated that every 6 seconds, a dumb
New Jersey Girlism is uttered, and the rate is increasing. If this
increase does not stop, the average level of annoyance will be murderously
high across the board by 2020, causing our already swollen prison
population to EXPLODE, as well as increasing the murder rate at least 600%.
As a matter of fact, it is estimated that if NJ was nuked right now, the
lives saved would outweigh the lives lost by a scale of 6:1, and that's
just in the short term!--but I digress.
I've completed the first step in this advice letter, I've documented
a problem. Now for the second step, the dispensing of advice. Well, where
does the dumb NJ girl problem stem from? It's not Ali herself--though some
of my colleagues are quick to point fingers, there are too many dumb girls
of a certain type in NJ for them to have all migrated there or developed it
independently. It must be New Jersey itself, it's social climate and aura.
It oozes dumbness; the wailing winter winds in New Jersey speak to girls,
saying "beeeee dummmmbbbb."
Ali, I recommend... nay, I _demand_ that you move from New Jersey
immediately! Get away while the getting's good! Go now! Now! In a
recent interview with me(1), you stated: "<`six`> I just take it as it
comes, but when givin a choice i go with my heart instead of my head."
This time, you cannot afford to go with your heart! Move as far away from
New Jersey as possible, I beseech you! That is all the advice I can give
you.
Notes:
(1): Here is the full text of the interview, conducted over IRC:
<Nybar> Okay
<Nybar> First give me your full real name (or make one up), where you live
(or make it up), physical description (want to make it up?), and
other 'vital' info... then we'll get to the real stuff.
<`six`> My full real name uhm do you want my middle names too?
<Nybar> If you feel like giving it
<`six`> ok Alicia Gratciella Elizabeta Jeanne Stillman
<`six`> Thats really my birth certificate name
<`six`> I live in Central Jersey
<`six`> And uh I'm 4'10 chubby auburn hair, brown eyes
<`six`> whatelse
* Nybar nods
<Nybar> Okay, have you ever had the urge to learn more about computers in
all the years you've been using them? As an ancilliary, did you
feel resentful towards your classmates who used AOL while you were
keeping it real?
<`six`> uhm yes
<Nybar> SO, why haven't you?...apathy?
<`six`> well if youre refering to going to shcool, its simply lack of funds
<Nybar> you don't have to go to school
<Nybar> but I can leave it at that...
<`six`> well I read books and things like I taught myself some java
<Nybar> ah; that's good.
<Nybar> Next question: Do you have any consistent philosophy that you apply
to life? Do you consider yourself more 'rational', or more
spiritual--specifically, do you believe that occam's razor applies
all the time?
<`six`> hmm
<`six`> I just take it as it comes, but when givin a choice i go with my
heart instead of my head
<Nybar> Well, have you ever read any of the dialectic
materialist/rationalist literature..?
<`six`> I guess not
<Nybar> Hmm, you should, I can point you to some if you'd like, perhaps
it'd change your life, next question...:
<`six`> ok
<Nybar> Would you describe yourself as egocentric?
<`six`> in some ways, but everyone is
<Nybar> Well, does your web-page, which is basically a monument to
yourself, reveal some aspect of yourself?
<`six`> actually not really. It just tells what I like and what i don't
like, but I hide the real personal stuff. I shouldn't say hide,
I don't provide it.
<Nybar> Okay, last question, if you could change history in _ONE WAY_,
what would it be?
<`six`> im thinking
<`six`> thats a really good one
<Nybar> answer das question, bizn1tch
<`six`> nothing cause too many things would drastically impact the way
things are now, and i kinda like things how they are now.
<Nybar> heh, thanks for the interview
<Nybar> footnote: things as they are suck
<`six`> welcom
<`six`> whats this for?
<Nybar> my hoe advice letter
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Tasha
FROM: Phairgirl
Dearest Tasha:
As wonderful of a girl as you are, with your sparkling eyes and
fulfilling laughter, who looks exactly like who she is, who is precisely
who she seems to be... there is little that I can offer you for advice, as
I am not exactly someone who should be advising others based on my life.
The best I can do for you, Tasha, is help you to not make the same
mistakes that I have made in my life, and keep you on the path that will
leave you untainted for eternity. I can only teach you through what I have
done wrong, as there is little that I have done right. But I have learned
quite extensively from my mistakes, and hope to somehow save you from
having to relive my pain and anguish so that you may mature as your own
person and not have to ruin and destroy everything that you hold dear
simply by making naive choices for your experiences in life.
And through all that I have learned in my wise years for you, Tasha,
I have only one true piece of advice for you:
Keep Quarex on your lap, and never let him get up.
I hope I have somehow saved you from imminent disaster in your
future. Heed my words, as I have lived through things that you will never
want to experience.
Love,
phairgirl
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Rhea
FROM: Mogel
Hi, Rhea, I'm Mogel. Why do I announce my name like that so much?
"I'm Mogel! I'm Mogel!". Constantly. Probably, in my own narcissistic
mind, I think that I've achieved some kind of iconic status. Saying what
I'm going to say next will make me feel incredibly, incredibly lame. I
think that by the very nature of using a "handle", we are giving ourselves
an iconic identity. This sort of statement will probably get either the
"DUH! THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!" reaction from some people, or "boy, you sure
are a dork, making pseudo-cyber-philosophical statements about stupid shit
like that." Both responses would be appropriate.
Still, saying "Hi, I'm Mogel," a catch phrase, from a medium in which
people turn themselves into icons, is cute. Well, no, it's stupid. But
it's cute to me. I've been online a little too long now. I feel old...
jaded. It sounds absurd to say, because I'm only 23, but I feel incredibly
burned out when I think about "getting to know people online" and "write
for hoe," another trademark expression. And I just made the mistake of
watching _You've Got Mail_. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I hated
it, since I hate a lot movies, but this one was a special kind of awful--
because it made me feel cliche. And that's the worst.
The mere fact that I do genuinely enjoy communicating with people
through a text medium probably makes me somewhat socially fucked up. And I
probably am. I think of myself as fairly normal, well-adjusted, funny,
interesting, (modest, too) -- but it's quite possible, like everyone else,
I'm in this big denial state. I see every jack-idiot in the universe
saying, "hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Kill the dumb people!" and I think--am I like
this? Am I, also, another self-glorified dumb person? It's possible that
I am.
And that's just another reason why I'm jaded. And being jaded is
generally bad. Sure, it's nice to not be naive--but it's very crippling.
I feel trapped in my own over-critical nature. I feel like my life is
destined to be trapped in this great void of boringness and mediocrity.
And I don't like that. So there.
And, so, my advice to you, Rhea, is this--don't become burned out.
Don't become too angry, or too sad. Don't do anything to excessively cruel.
Don't un-necessarily consider yourself greater than others. This sounds
like a public service announcement. Sorry.
I genuinely think you're a good writer--your style in HOE has this
touch of "innocence meets cynicism", and it's charming. Keep with it. And
please, for goodness sake, keep some sort of positive "spark" within you.
Eventually that will keep you going, when things are their worst. Sorry
for being semi-serious in such an absurd publication. I hope this makes
some sense to you.
Take care,
-Mogel
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Kaia
FROM: AnonGirl
Dear Kaia,
Every so often someone gets chosen to know the true meaning of life.
It was once passed down to me, after several hundred elders passed it down
to their children, and to their childrens' grandchildren, and so on. Now
it's your time to know the ultimate advice on realizing a life of true
meaning. I must warn you: what you're about to learn may seem like useless
information, but I assure you, it's not. Once you've read about the true
meaning of life, things will not change automatically. You still have to
make it happen, and that's entirely up to you. Please, sit back and get
comfortable, maybe even get yourself a drink.
In order to become aware of the meaning, you must first understand
the origin of the meaning. Dating back to Ancient Greece, there was once
an outdoor game which featured round stones and holes dug in a hillside.
It was a very popular game, and in 18th Century France, a mechanical
version of the game was finally developed. This game was called
bagatelle. The earliest versions of bagatelle used simple mechanics, and
the stones were replaced by marbles. Growing more popular with time, the
modern version of this game was created around the 1930's. They added
electrical circuitry, and instead of marbles, they used steel balls. The
game was renamed Pinball. The object is to not lose your ball, and to
score as many points possible. The player manipulates the ball with
flippers or levers, and can physically lean on the machine to create the
"tilt". The tilt was not originally intended for this game, but has been
considered as an additional rule of play. A good percentage of the general
population knows and loves pinball, and it will most likely prosper for
thousands of years to come.
Pinball can provide hours of fun to most, but to a select few,
pinball means more than flippers and balls of steel. This elite crew of
people center their lives on pinball. Not playing pinball, living pinball.
Up until late adolescence or early adulthood, they are striving to establish
their presence, by lighting Start Mode. Once Start Mode is lit, things
begin to happen. Challenges beckon, obstacles confront, and rich rewards
are offered. Even these special individuals need to kick back and have fun,
and that's where Video Mode comes in. Video Mode provides fun and games,
something to distract them of their never-ending tasks. However, it's not
all fun and games once Start Mode and Video Mode are lit. It's a vicious
cycle. Once the player accomplishes those tasks, he is faced with them all
over again, this time with a new and different challenge. And those nice
little surprises in life aren't entirely fate. If you point yourself in
the right direction, you'll wind up in the Mystery scoop, which rewards you
with a little something you didn't expect. However, you mustn't indulge
yourself in the Video Mode and Mystery scoops too often, you must stay
focused on the real mission of the game: survival.
These people are the steel balls in the pinball machine of life,
Kaia. You are one of them. Choose your path wisely, young contender.
Sincerely yours,
AnonGirl
P.S.- Now that you've read the above and know the true meaning to
life, you must send a copy of this letter to ten of your
friends within the next twelve hours. If you fail to do so,
you will be stuck in the gutter for the rest of your life,
with no kickbacks. Good luck.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Seaya
FROM: Meenk
Seaya,
I was going to tell you to avoid getting on the sexchart at all
costs, but upon inspection, I realized that you are already on it. Too bad.
Now all I can say is this: KEEP YOUR LINKS DISCREET. See, you are not
honoured with any sort of title, so you are one of the lucky ones. Once you
get up to the "honorable mention" section you are in for fierce
competition. It is a long, hard struggle to the top, and trying to beat out
the other sluts is very hard work. However, if you do ever decide to take
on the chart, there are three things to remember:
1. Cons and parties are excellent places to get links. Look good, be
charming, and make out with everyone you can lay your lips on.
Just watch out for coldsores and obvious illness.
2. Don't let people treat you like shit for the number of links
you have. If you can't see yourself explaining that you are a
slut for the sake of sluttiness, be sure that you have good
reasons for your links. Love, arousal, and intoxication are the
main motivators for most of the links on the chart. These reasons
are valid.
3. If you go the full monty for a link, USE PROTECTION, condoms for
boys, dental dams for girls. This advice should be followed no
matter who you are coming into contact with. I don't think I
need to tell you why.
Follow these rules to the letter and you will have a fun trip to the
top. Just keep in mind that once you get there, you will have to contend
with me, and I have no shame.
Happy humping,
meenk
P.S. If you are ever in S.F. and want to hook up, drop me a line.
Thanks.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Caitlin
FROM: Uberfizzgig
Let's face it, Caitlin. You need all the advice you can get. So
before I begin, I want you to pluck that heroine needle out of your vein
and pay attention to something for once in your life. Now I'm going to say
this and I'm only going to say it once. The people you are going to
interact with for the rest of your life are always going to be stupid.
Now judging by the image you have carefully constructed for yourself,
if seems you are mostly able to to think critically and make judgements
independently of the dominant social ideology. This ability is generally
manifested in those who are smarter than the majority of their peers.
Now at the same time, there is often the hope that those you detest
will eventually acquire the ability to think independently and mature both
mentally and emotionally. Some have the idea that this will all occur by
college, and the idiocy of High School will disappear. Well that's a
steaming pile of bullshit. People are going to be that way forever, so the
best advice I can give you is to get used to it because you'll meet new
people just like that much faster than you'll be able to meet the other or
inspire them to become better. The world may change, but the people are
pretty stagnant.
That reminds me, here's a real actual useful piece of advice. Get a
frozen pizza (or whatever other food you really like and can make really
fast) and just keep it in your freezer. Then whenever something bad
happens, sure it sucks, but you have the comfort of being able to think
"Well, at least I've got that pizza..." You'd be surprised how well this
actually works. Just think about it. Here's an example: "I got fired." vs.
"I got fired. But at least I've got that pizza..." See!? Whenever
something bad happens, there's the ability to make yourself feel slightly
better right away.
Often that's all it takes. Now about these stupid people, since
they'll generally grab on and follow whatever they're exposed to, regardless
of the contradictions and hypocricies it creates in their character, there
is a considerable chance to influence the social reality in which you live.
Now given that you're a talented writer and seemingly aware of what goes on
around you, I have every confidence in your ability to be incredibly
successful at whatever you put your heart and mind into doing.
And just to back this all up, remember that I've got a degree in this
stuff and am totally qualified to make these statements. Ok. That being said
there's one final issue that I've been asked by several people to bring up
in this letter: When are we going to get to see some nakedness on your
web-cam!? Woo-hoo!
That's all.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Clyde
FROM: Swiss Pope
Clyde,
So you start junior high next week? And you want some pointers?
Well, buddy, it's a whole different world from the seven years of
elementary school that you're used to. It's all about being cool. If
you're not cool, you just won't survive. They'll torture you in every way
imaginable.
You need the following items. Ask your Mom to drive you to Wal-Mart
so you can pick up the goods. Or as they call it in Jr. High, your "gear".
You need a fanny pack. Everyone in Jr. High wears a fanny pack.
You need to get one with a Nike "Just do it." logo. You will use this item
to store various items: cigarettes, condoms, heavy metal tapes, and weapons.
Don't worry, fanny packs can hold a lot of shit.
Now, you shouldn't have any problem getting your mom to buy you a
fanny pack, but those other items will be tough to acquire. First, buy
_candy_ cigarettes. That's right, you can just avoid the whole process of
stealing real cigarettes and just get the candy. Kids will still think
you're cool. Remember, Jr. High is all about image. Much like actors use
props in movies, you can sneak candy cigarette smokes between classes in
Jr. High and still earn the respect of your peers. Remember, you're a wild
child.
You might be wondering what use you have for condoms. In fact,
perhaps you've never even ejaculated before. Or if you have, you still
require the aid of pillow and have not yet mastered the art of jerking off
while standing up, viewing titillating wallpaper. That's ok, because your
Jr. High school peers won't see real condoms until several years later,
when they get to COLLEGE! What you can do is buy party balloons. In
several different colors. Tell your peers that they are condoms, and they
will say to themselves "Gee, that Clyde guy knows here's it at. I want to
be like him. If only I were as cool."
Next, you need heavy metal tapes. You need a Warrant t-shirt,
because Warrant is all the rage. You should purchase an album from each of
the following three artists: Damn Yankees, Extreme, and Quiet Riot. Quiet
Riot, is of course, the most hardcore of the three so use discretion when
deciding when to play the tape. Damn Yankees makes for a mellow bus ride
and Extreme is good for getting some play behind the table saw in wood shop.
Last but not least, you need weapons. If some punkass steps up to
you, you need to protect yourself. You can fashion weapons from the
following objects:
Stapler: This long range weapon will pierce and or blind an
enemy. The staple becomes a formidable projectile. Your
English teacher will by no means be a ballistics expert. She'll
see staples flying across the room but will never be able to
locate the source of them. Why? Because, my friend, you have
a fanny pack to conceal your weapons, and nobody *touches* a guy
with a fanny pack.
Bic Pen: Take one of these guys, rub it against a hard
substance (such as a wooden countertop) and you can leave third
degree burns on the skin on your enemy.
Rubber Band: If you don't know what this is for, man, you
should ask some of the Jr. High vets, because this item is
essential to survival.
You should learn how to gleek, which is the art of shooting a fine
line of spit through your two front teeth.
You should also carry a supply of pencils. Often you will be
challenged to a game of Pencil Pop where you must snap your pencil against
your opponents' to determine who is cooler. And guy, being cool is what
it's all about.
-Swiss Pope
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Neko
FROM: AIDS
Neko,
I'd like to give you some words that just played over my stereo,
because they're probably much better advice than the ensuing nonsense.
Now, I realize that Bob Dylan ain't exactly punk rock, and his London
probably never called, but, bear with me, "Stay free from petty
jealousies / Live by no man's code / and hold your judgement for yourself,
lest you wind up on this road." That's worlds better than anything I'm
going to tell you.
Well, on with it, then.
Neko, first and foremost, I'd like to say, STAY AWAY FROM GIRLS
ONLINE. I realize during the school year you spend all your time
finger-popping the weird immigrants who live in your dorm, but during the
summer, I've seen this unfortunate tendency you have. You go for the online
ladies. Now, the media has tried to convince us that the internet is a new
technology for everyone, and maybe it is, but chances are these girls are
really men.
Yes, men.
And now, even if your lady friends /aren't/ men, they'll probably
transform your life into something out OPERATION DUMB DROP. I could tell
you some stories, but none of them are about me. I've managed to wisely
alienate almost every online female I've come into contact with. If a girl
is using her computer, Neko, there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER. Girls have
OTHER things to do, like plotting to thrown down the patriarchy or a return
to Goddess worship. They will descend into the pool and face the shadow.
Men will rule no more. They have to become the Earth Mother one week out
of every month. There is no biological or social imperative for girls to
go online. Average, healthy girls. If a girl is online, she's probably
got something desperately and horribly wrong with her.
Now, Neko, I'd like to address this issue of punk rock. While it's
rumored that I spend all my time listening to the Carter Family and Henry
Thomas and Leadbelly, I too have known PUNK FUCKING ROCK. When I was in
New York, I spent too much of my precious time in the East Village talking
to the original guitarist for the Misfits, Bobby Steels. That Undead album
is coming out /any/ day now... Any day. Merle Allen was always around, but
I tried to avoid him.
But Neko, for me, punk rock really died around 1983. Maybe even a
little earlier. There are quite a few bands from before then, and they're
all pretty interesting, because they were doing something /new/ then, and I
like ignorant hillbillies banging on instruments, and that's ultimately
what punk was.
I'm sorry, man, but NoFX is not DOPE. 4Q is not where's it at.
Pennywise can suck my dick. Do you see where I'm going with this, Neko?
At some point the money turned everything to shit.
I saw your London Calling shirt at the convention, Neko, and that's
DOPE, because The Clash are DOOOOOOOOOOPE. But I've also talked to you a
little bit about some more modern bands, and that isn't dope. I don't have
a solution for this problem for you, and it might not even be a problem,
because my taste sure can't be considered GOOD, but I just never want to
find out about you cranking a Blink-182 CD while half drunk and naked.
Words of advice... for young people.
Never make a deal with a religious son of a bitch.
Never get in the middle of a girl and boy fight.
Do not buy into the mass media conviction that racism is any better
in America now than it was 50 years ago. Black folk can vote and use the
toilet, but that's about it. We live in a hideously racist society, it
permeates every aspect of the culture, and you can not escape it. I'm a
racist. I can't help that.
Read about John Brown (1800-1859) of Harper's Ferry. He's the only
good white person in American history. Fuck Lincoln, fuck Jefferson, fuck
Jefferson Davis, fuck George Washington. Fuck George Bush.
Don't vote for George Bush, Jr. Please, god, if you vote, and can't
bring yourself to vote for Al Gore, just write my name in on the ballot.
(I know a lot of people are going to end up reading this file, because it's
going into HOE, and I'd just like to invite them to do the same when the
time comes, assuming they're of age and know how to register to vote.
DO NOT VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH, JR. WRITE MY NAME IN IF YOU CAN'T STAND
AL GORE. ANYTHING BUT GEORGE BUSH JR.)
When in foreign countries, don't talk to your fellow Americans.
They will invariably be crass and embarrassing, and the natives will
probably end up asking you about Bill Clinton's dick. I'm serious. Try as
hard as possible to talk to anyone but the Americans, even if it means you
have to talk to Germans about Guns N' Roses.
Ok, that's it, Neko. I am,
Yours Truly,
Jarett Kobek
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: AnonGirl
FROM: Oregano
Advice Letter to Anongrrl
by
Oregano
August 14, 1999
part one
scene one
take one
Anongrrrl, follow these words for a happier, healthier life. One
full of wonder and chaos, passion and bloodshed. Hoppy toads jumping for
a glad stone ranger. Hip potassium and a large orange soda.
take two
Audrey, I am not sure how to tell you this, but it is something you
need to know. You are loved. Loved by Jesus Christ. Put your trust in
him and you'll go far.
take three
Forget religious crap, that doesn't really come into play until you
are old or get married, but it will one day be important, but forget that
for now, I have other fish which are in a gol-danged-dimminey-day need of
a good old fashioned frying.
I learned something important last night, and I need to pass it on
to you, it will save you some grief. Tequiza -- the new beer which is a
mix of beer and tequilla -- is really disgusting. The ads make it sound
bad in the first place, so why did I buy it? Why did I not trust my
instincts? Add to the fact that I am not a tequilla fan, except for shots
of the caustic elixer when I am out with friends and already quite drunk.
Well the Chicago Tribune newspaper liked it, and I trusted them and it was
bad. Pukey bad. If it were not my first beer of the evening I would have
puked. Had my tummy already been full of Molson Golden, everything would
have been evacuated. So see where I am going with this? Know your tastes
and just because someone says it is good, if you know you won't like it,
then take a pass. I still have five more bottles of the crap when I could
right now have five bottles left of Leinkugle's hearty Summer Ale.
part two
scene one
About marriage.
I know that you are headed towards marrying my brother, though my
brother does not seem to be willing to admit it just yet. But I really
think it a bad idea to go with pink tuxs. I know you think it cute and
storybook-like, but it will make my brother unhappy, there is such a thing
as taking a joke too far (an area where I am a master) and this pink tux
idea is way over the line. Just make a decent wedding, the day itself is
what is special and fiddling with it will only detract from the vows
themselves which is what the day is about.
part two
scene two
(the scene opens with oregano drinking Hooper's Hootch, there are
three empty bottles on oregano's desk and a fourth bottle looks to have
only had a couple of pulls from it.)
Alrighty, between the last scene and this I have started drinking.
Actually a lot happened, a lot of time has passed and I need to tell it all
before my brain gets too fuzzy. My brother came and went, actually he was
two hours late. When he was an hour and a half late -- I sat and waited in
my building's lobby for the full 90 minutes -- I went to the grocery store
and came back, when I got back my brother was waiting in the driveway and
he was pissed. Here he was two hours later than when he said he would come
and he said he had been waiting a half hour for me. I had waited an hour
and a half so I felt I had the rights to complain more than he.
We went to some record stores looking for Allman Brothers posters
for the youngest brother, then Sam's club, then I came back and drank
three of these Hooper's Hootch, which is not to everyone'staste, but
which I love. They are high-octane lemonade with alcohol. What is a Hoe
piece without a little rambling, telling a pointless story about what you
did just before you started writing the piece.
scene three
Writing.
I have no good advice for how you can change or improve your
writing. I like all your articles, you can be counted on to give a well
put together slice of life, be it a story on V-1 rockets or getting in
trouble in 8th grade, always a delight and easy to read, which is important
since things that are hard to read I normally skip.
Epiloge
I gave the Tequiza to my youngest brother. He is underage so any
alcohol makes him happy. Worst comes to worst he'll try one and say how
awful it is and get his other friends to want to try the remaining bottles
so they can see for themselves how bad it tastes.
This is a lesson too. Heed it well.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: The Jester
FROM: Daisy
When i got this assignment i was like oh cool i can go off on Styx
like i have wanted to forever, but then as i scrolled down further and
further i saw how our destiny had been predetermined by some program,
okay, maybe not our destiny's but at least the basis of our next text file
at least......so giving advice to a total stranger sorta makes it weird but
I'll go with it, it'll work...so as I read each and every file of The
Jesters, I gave my reaction to each one, I hope this classifies as advice
if not, oh well at least I tried.....
AN ACT OF GOD
i like how you say whether God exists or not because it shows that
you are open to others opinions and in hopes, respect them...i am a full
believer in God and i respect that you are an atheist...its nice to have
lots of different opinions in the world and even nicer to see that some
people are open to others beliefs as well
this whole stinky cheese thing was a bit weird and odd to me but
'eh..whatever floats your boat you know... regardless if you believe in
god or not, you need to capitalize his name at ALL TIMES!!!!
BUMS AND THE EVERLASTING SEARCH FOR GOD
bums and the everlasting search for God...hhmmm i was very angered
as i read this, it hurts me to see someone so far from God, I hope you are
as open-minded as I first "thought" you were....I am very sorry you feel
the way you do about God, I wish I knew you so I could have you listen to
MY thoughts on God...I was once in your shoes, but I learned....
REFORMING YOUR TENANTS
i really found a greater respect for you as i read text file #358...
it was good, especially when you started talking about God, yeah the fact
that you still don't capitalize the word God bothers me but 'eh, I'll get
over it...I find some comfort in you trusting a religion let it be Buddhism
or Christianity, whatever you know??...at least you got one, so that brings
a small smile to my face, i loved how you decided to, even if it was a lil'
sarcastic, to compliment others beliefs about like how it is "GREAT" that
we feel what we do....and i really liked the comments you made on how one
should figure out their own religion and not be what religion others tell
them, it was very well put
JESSE'S SELF DESTRUCTIVE METHODS
a huge change from your other files, it was more down to earth, more
beautiful, loving, touching, things like that....i loved it i really did
was this an experience of yours? nevermind, too personal, sorry....
THE FUTILITY OF EDUCATION IN AMERICA, STUPID
okay this is a pre reaction to this, I'm scared, and don't know what
to expect from this one...hhmmm...{3 minutes later} wow!! i really liked
it and i see what you are saying, it was awesome!!! yeah dealing with all
them f**kers in school drove me nuts, but college wasn't like high school,
i mean i went to a high school where everyone had so much money that the
national pot magazine gave us the title of the 2nd high school in the state
of Indiana with the most pot usage....there are a limited number of us
outsiders that were not into the way of life this school held, so i looked
from the outside and watched these losers smoke there lives away....and
where are they now? working off 100 hours of community service with a
record of being arrested for possession under thier belts, and whos going
to school...not them...
REALIZATIONS, PRE-DAWN
depressing, i could not imagine being with someone like that in
which i did not love, but hell we are all different....trying to figure
out the world is hell, hell on earth i tell you....because i have tried
that and i discovered that before i could figure out the work i had to
figure out myself, it took a long time for that to happen but it just did
and i am now truly happy, i have found myself again, i was lost for awhile,
for a long time, i graduated high school and was like where do i go from
here, but having a boyfriend that lives do far away makes it easier to find
myself, i just did and i am now, truly happy....
DREAM YOU
interesting....period...
WALDENS LIFE STORY
wow, these most definitely got more odd as they went on, but good,
you seemed to have a tif with God in the beginning, but hell we are all
entitled to have phases, we all have 'em
My advice to you my friend, well I find it hard to give advice to
strangers...
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
TO: Quarex
FROM: Ashtray Heart
Quarex:
If I were to offer you one sentence of advice, it would be:
"Don't take my advice."
I don't know who came up with this cockamamie idea. I mean, I don't
even _read_ h0e. I did meet you, once. I was drunk. You were sober.
That about sums it up. I am probably one of the less qualified people on
this planet to give you advice.
This, however, strikes me as oddly fitting. I have found, and
perhaps you will, too, that the only advice you will get from those around
you is both unasked for and unneeded. Either they will tell you stuff you
already know, or they will tell you stuff that is completely wrong.
Nevertheless, I have had a lot of time today to reflect on what I
have learned from my life today. It has been a slow day at work. This
does not, of course, mean that I have done so. Indeed, one of the things
that I have learned about life is that reflecting on life is an entirely
overrated activity, generally done by those who have no immediate interest
or opportunity in actually living it. So, in lieu of considered
reflections, I shall give you an assortment of bilge that would make
Polonius green with envy.
My advice to you as a writer: Do not write if you can possibly
avoid it. There are millions of other more lucrative and productive things
to do than writing. For me, as for tens of thousands of others, writing is
a diversion, something I have developed a moderate amount of skill at but
not the monomaniacal passion or discipline that makes a truly great writer.
A writer's life is a hard life, and for my part I will have no part of it.
If this labels me as a dilettante, so be it. Writing can occasionally be
useful, but it is far more worth your time to work on being a good human
being than a good writer (and they are completely separate entities, no
matter how much people may confuse the two).
If you feel bad, a good way to deal with it is by exercising,
shaving, or taking a shower. However, it takes herculean fortitude to
undertake these things at these times.
Avoid any rock band that takes their name from the works of J.R.R.
Tolkien. Also, avoid the writing of James Patterson, as it is really
terrible.
I before noted the importance of being a 'good human being'.
Remember that 'good' and 'nice' are not the same thing at all.
Never be afraid to kick a computer. Unlike dogs and women, they
respond well to it.
While I am talking about the topic of women, I should point out
that, however you make on with chicks now, it is highly likely that at some
point in your life you will be virtually surrounded by women who find you
sexually irresistible. This is most likely to happen at a point in time
when you are ethically or libidinally unable to respond to their advances.
When giving advice, people are far more likely to tell you what they
want to say than what you need to hear.
Seek out the company of the old. This for several reasons:
1. Everybody else ignores them.
2. They are wise. This is probably why they are so widely ignored
these days.
3. They have no reason to lie any more.
It is, for some reason, important to appear to know what the fuck
you are doing. Actually knowing what you are doing is not nearly as
important. So far as I can tell, nobody knows what they're doing. They're
just making it up as they go along.
A lot of things in life do not make the least bit of sense. As long
as they work anyway, best just not to worry about it.
Oh, yes, I also sussed out the meaning of life. It appears to be to
live. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds, but just stumble around
doing random things like KILL TROLL WITH AXE and you should stumble on it
eventually. You'll know what you've done right when you do it. Either
life will make a lot more sense in retrospect, or make no sense at all.
Either way, you might as well enjoy it to the best of your ability.
Good luck,
Ashtray Heart
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #799 - BY: THE HOE STAFF - 8/22/99 ]
