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The Hogs of Entropy 0807
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #807
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "A Lost Highway"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Gideon
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 9/1/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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A lost highway. A fear of the night. A distaste of your motion. A
unsure feeling in your direction. Anticipation of your destination. A
growing fire in your chest. A pain untold of. These are things to describe
the way I feel of my love, and it seems fate.. in all its dramatic
overplayed ironic cruelty seems to have the hand played out. I dont
understand where im headed. Ive learned not to care, all I know.. all I
care to know is im moving. This isnt how it always was. I was that guy
that when someone stated a limitation or a general considered rule of
living, asked why? Why must it be like that ? Why cant you change that?
Now life is a complete 180 of the person who asked why. But now I must ask
again, why? What happened, what pain overwhelmed the lion in my heart.
Darkness, all around. Not darkness as would be percieved by the eys, but
darkness as if I were once again in my mothers womb.
The walls are up, the chains once again reattached, the beast yet
again bound, the defenses are real. How did it come to this, what changed,
what significant event could change everything that you thought you knew,
thought you held dear. Ive been trying to track down that one single event
in my mind for months now, the only thing I have determined is that it
wasnt a single event, but rather a change. The pain throbs. It pulsates
bluring even your vision, in every sense of the word. The lonliness sets
in, the need to be held. I did it. Its my fault. Thats all I can decide.
I wasnt enough, I didnt give enough, I wasnt there enough, I pushed to
much, I didnt support her the way she needed it. Thats the only thing it
could have been. My heart has beat its way out of my chest. Im empty now,
but how I long to be whole again. Where did I go wrong? I went from
batheing in the spring of life and drinking in all its indulgent tastes to
a dark, black, hard, shell. Nothing more, perhaps much less. Ive stopped
moving now, the street lights illuminate my path, showing all the turns
possible.. but that is all, and as I can see the turns I cant focus on
them.. I cant determine if they are the way I need to go.. I dont know if
they feel right.
The shell cracks. A small amount of hot, thin blood pours out.
Thats me, or what has become of me. The shell cracked, and I got to feel
myself again. I got to taste my existence for only a moment. Someone
please break the shell. Someone please release me. But I can only do that.
I can only allow myself to fly again. Foreward movements, baby steps. But
all the time im moving foreward, im only looking behind me. Looking at
those roads I turned on, looking at those decisions I made. As they fade to
the haze of distant memory the pain pulsates, reminding me of another turn
waiting around the next bend. Where did I make a wrong turn? Where the fuck
is my map? The shell hardens again.. a fear, an instinct.. a preminition of
what is to come. I lose the taste in the vast empitness of the road. Im
alone, thats the worst part... through all the pain, im alone. I can talk
to a thousand people... but I will still be alone. I can let someone in
only so much, but give all I have. And im always alone.
Something happened. I went numb. Ive changed. That open minded,
challenging, arrogant, boy I once valued myself to be is gone, who have I
become? I dont like it, make it stop.. turn the clock. DO SOMETHING!?!?!!
But alas I am the only one who can. The fear makes the pain pulsate. It
will always be present, I have determined. No matter who comes along no
matter how special. That pain will never go away. It is part of me now. I
dont like it, someone take that away. Doctor? The person ive become only
seems a blur. Nothing solid, nothing consitent. Nothing special. I lost
my support system, someone gave up on me and turned it off. Someone stopped
my heart from beating, someone stopped my breath from flowing. Ultimatly
that someone is me. Why would I do this to myself? Who am I? Why am I?
Punishment, this must be punishment... for my shovinistic ways
before I found her. For my double standard male ways before I found myself
in her. At the same time. It wasnt her. It was that someone listened, it
was that it felt like someone cared. Something I never had before. It was
that someone took my baggage and love me anyway. Thats what I needed, that
was my power, that was my life support system. Facing certain death,
starvation, homelessness, and malnutrition meant nothing, there was only
her. Now I need that again, this shell is becoming old. This crust is
getting too thick. My heart growing stale. Now where do I turn? Which
road is well lit, which isnt? What the fuck did I do with that map? I am
sure I have one, should everyone, or is this another joke fate decided to
play on me, is this another form of disgusting entertainment so that fucker
can get off to something? I could always make a U-turn, but ive been down
that road already, I know where it ends up. Nothing new, nothing special.
Pulsation quickly reminds me of the impending decision. I can taste
the forsaken. I feel dirty, I feel as though a thousand years of dust have
settled on my bones. I hang a sharp right. Is this correct? Now where am
I headed? Which direction is this, what lies ahead? Fucking map, you were
never good to me anyway. Apathy, I feel it inside, but self pity to a
degree. Its this place, is this road, every turn I make I end up in the
same place. Every foreward movement, isnt. This middletown, this circle.
I have felt this way before, It resulted in a depression, it resulted in a
sunked solomn mood. I ran that time. I left it all behind, I packed a
single suitcase and jumped on a bus headed south. I ran from everything, I
ran from everyone, most of all I ran from who I had become. I ran only to
find those demons I left behind showed again, demanding I face them. I
did. Or so it seemed, only they reared their ugly heads once more. Another
thump of pain against my chest. Now what? Now where? God im so alone.
Why does it have be this way, why did my comrade in arms bail? The darkness
is so vast. I need to escape. I need to face those demons again. I need
to overcome myself once more. This time it will be harder, this time it
will take longer. But I know where this road leads, and I like it. im
comfortable with it. I need it. The pain dulls. A decision has been made.
A plan put into action. But is it right? Only when I finally come to a
stop will I know for sure, but for now, its a start.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #807 - WRITTEN BY: GIDEON - 9/1/99 ]
