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The Hogs of Entropy 0763
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #763
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Attack of the Mad Cow"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Effy
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/28/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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The Mad Cow lurked stealthily through the woods.
Huge and menacing, the Mad Cow could rip anything living known to man
to shreds. She was by far the biggest, fattest cow of all time. Weighing
over seven tons, she could destroy anything in her path by simply running
over it. She could knock down the tallest trees in the forest with a single
kick. She could outrun the fastest car. She was hungrier than the fattest
pig. She was completely, insanely mad. And boy could she whip up a great
pitcher of Nestle Quick with the milk from that udder and some chocolate
syrup!
She had but one intention and purpose for living, one sole reason for
her vengeful existence. . .to KILL. She had the mentality and instinct of a
ruthless serial killer, only magnified a millionfold. She did not
discriminate. All must die.
Kill. Kill all.
The Mad Cow continued on, searching for something, someone, anything,
to kill. "Moo," she growled, her breath touched with pure insanity plus a
hefty spoonful of fresh drunkard blood with 1.0 alcohol content.
Kill. Kill ALL.
Meanwhile, a group of oblivious stoners were gathered on a deck near
the woods. They giggled and laughed with the oomph of self-accepted idiocy.
They passed the pipe in a merry, everyday way that proved the theory that
they were fiends. Smoke flowed and billowed around them, creating happy,
pictorial clouds. The lightning bugs danced and pranced around them in joy.
The stars giggled and wiggled in amusement. All was well and happy.
The names of these stoners were Stab, Amandapanda, Billdo, Turtle,
Glu, Laug, and the Negro.
Stab was a Satanic weirdo who loved fruit, clove cigarettes,
mutilation, and had a pair of overly expensive boots.
Amandapanda was a Satanic hippy with multi-colored hair who loved
panda bears and Canadian bananas, smoked too many Kool cigarettes, and also
owned a pair of overly expensive boots.
Billdo was an alleged crack fiend who loved vicious, brutal,
merciless killing, and hours of endless twitching and tapping his not-so-
overly-expensive boots; and he feared sea turtles.
Turtle was a shaggy hippy who made snotty internal noises, loved
turtles, resembled some kind of mad elf-like Jesus, and just didn't wear any
shoes at all.
Glu was a super German blonde Nazi girl who loved to drink, loved
fruit just as much as Stab, and was obsessed with poop and anything else
from the rectum.
Laug was a talkative weed fiend who smoked too much, drove too fast,
hated other people's saliva, loved to fashion bongs, and was always getting
kicked out of his parents' house.
The Negro was a Negro from the dark streets of the Dubuque ghetto who
liked to jump off decks, to look in mirrors, to put people in holes, and to
practice freestyle rapping.
The stoners smoked their weed in a very merry way, unknowing of the
horrific and terrifying situation which was about to befall them.
The Mad Cow had almost reached the perimeter of the woods when she
lifted her nose high in the air curiously. A nice, pleasant smell was
wafting her way. Something that made her senses go crazy. She inhaled the
sweet smell of marijuana. Oh, how she coveted that smooth, herbal taste in
her mouth and the giddy, happy feeling that came along with it... and the
munchies, OH! the munchies! Eat! Kill and eat anyone in her way! She
began to follow the smell, her tail thrashing wildly in anticipation.
Kill. KILL ALL.
The Mad Cow began running at warp speed as the smell grew stronger.
"MOOOOOO!!!" the Mad Cow screamed. She began bellowing repeatedly.
"MOOOOOO!!!"
The stoners froze as soon as they heard the painfully loud, insane
bellows.
"What is that?!" Laug asked, wiping the mouth piece on the bowl of
marijuana.
"It sounds like a cow!" Billdo exclaimed, beginning to twitch.
"Oh my god. It's mad!" Turtle shrieked, curling into a ball.
"It's a Mad Cow!" screamed Stab, pulling out her athame and plunging
it into the deck.
"Dude!" Amandapanda yelped, then lit a cigarette.
"Poop!" screamed Glu, then chugged her Southern Comfort.
The Negro busted a rhyme and jumped off the deck.
The stoners stared in fear at the ominous perimeter of the woods.
Loud rustling and stomping accompanied the evil bellowing. It was getting
closer!
Suddenly, the Mad Cow emerged from the woods and stared up at the
stoners on the deck, her nose twitching madly. She breathed hard, and began
to advance toward the poor, pathetically high fiends.
"MOOOOOO!!!" she screamed, grinning widely, and showing a mouth full
of sharp, jagged, blood-stained teeth.
Kill. KILL ALL!
"The Mad Cow wants the marijuana!" Laug yelled.
"Give it to him dude!" Turtle screamed.
Laug hurled the sack into the yard, and the Mad Cow devoured it,
while the Negro climbed back onto the deck carrying his shovel.
The Mad Cow finished eating the 23 grams of marijuana, and began to
sway slightly. Then she began to anger, and stamped her hooves on the
ground, putting divots in the yard as dirt flew everywhere.
KILL. KILL ALL!!!
Then she began bellowing again and thrashing wildly.
"Dude!" shrieked Billdo. He threw his eight ball of crack at the Mad
Cow. It hit the Mad Cow square in the face. The Mad Cow went insane! She
ran headfirst right into the side of the deck, breaking the whole deck in
half. She began trying to climb up the side, trapping the stoners in the
corner of the deck. The only way out was to jump, but it was a really,
really far drop. No stoner (with the exception of the Negro) was about to
make the fifteen foot fall to their death.
The Mad Cow stood towering above the group of cowardly stoners. She
snarled and drooled, licking her enormous chops.
KILL! KILL ALL!!!
Stab screamed. "She's got the munchies!"
"She's going to eat us all!" yelled Amandapanda.
"Poop!" shrieked Glu.
Then Turtle was so scared, he pooped on the deck.
The Negro scooped it up with the shovel and threw it at the Mad Cow.
The Mad Cow sniffed the poop. She licked the poop. She swallowed
the whole pile in one gulp. Then she bellowed once more. "MOOOOOO!" The
Mad Cow swaying menacingly.
KILL!!! KILL ALL!!!
"It's still hungry Dude," Laug whispered, quivering with fright.
Laug was so scared, he relieved his rectum on the deck too.
The Negro shoveled it up and threw it at the Mad Cow. She caught the
feces in her mouth.
GULP. . .KILL!!! KILL ALL!!!
Pretty soon, everyone was so scared shitless, they had pooped for the
Mad Cow. By this time, the Mad Cow was really fucked up. Not only was she
swaying and sagging to the side, but she'd stopped bellowing, and was waving
uncertainly back and forth, slobbering, her eyes half shut.
K-k-k-k. . .CHILL. . .
The Mad Cow's legs collapsed under her, and she passed out soundly on
the deck.
Turtle's brow wrinkled. "What's going on?"
"Dude, I think the Mad Cow OD'd on marijuana!" Laug remarked.
"No, it just ate a shitload of shit," Stab said.
"It's the poop. It's perma-poop with a high concentration of
marijuana. The Mad Cow is mega-baked," Billdo concluded.
"Kill it while it's still asleep!" shrieked Amandapanda.
Glu said nothing, but thought of poop.
The Negro raised his shovel and ran to the Mad Cow. He began beating
her insanely like there was no tomorrow. Blood flew everywhere. Meanwhile,
Stab ran over and began stabbing the Mad Cow with her Satanic knife and
carving demented symbols on its udder. Turtle danced around the Mad Cow
barefoot and made himself a glass of Nestle Quick. Billdo put on his army
gear, pulled out a gun, and began busting caps in her ass. Amandapanda
kicked the Mad Cow with her expensive boots and burned her eyes out with her
cigarette. Laug just babysat the bowl of marijuana, while Glu beat on the
Mad Cow like a Nazi and drank milk from the udder.
Soon, the Mad Cow's life ceased to exist. The Negro took the shovel
and put the Mad Cow in a hole. Then there was much rejoicing, dancing,
laughter, and gaiety, as the party went on.
There was only one little problem left. . .
The Mad Cow had eaten ALL the marijuana.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #763 - WRITTEN BY: EFFY - 7/28/99 ]
