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The Hogs of Entropy 0755
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #755
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Duck Hunt"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Fake Scorpion
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/24/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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"people always say 'it's only a game'
but, when you are playing, it's more than a game." - Gumby[DTO]
while exploring the inner reaches of my mind, i came across an
enigma whose answer was beyond me. i spent days trying to figure it
out, but to no avail.
yes, i think you know what i'm talking about.
flashback -- childhood christmas. you, being the greedy and
impatient bastard that you are, pulled the biggest box from beneath
the tree out as your first present. as you started ripping the paper
off, your dad started muttering something about those damn japs
(sorry japs@!), while your mother smiled and wondered if it would get in
the way of your homework. your penis grew large (excuse me girls@!) when
you tore open the wrapping paper, revealing the red colored words
'NINTENDO'. within that box contained the greatest mystery of the
20th century.
remember the games that came standard with the system? 'super
mario brothers' and the mysterious 'duck-hunt'. 'duck-hunt' required the
use of a plastic gun that you later lost while chucking it at your
brother's head. this gun, this AWESOME (in power) gun, contained a
mystery that has dumbfounded everyone i know.
HOW DID THE GUN / NINTENDO DETECT WHEN YOU SHOT THE DUCKS?
(dum duh dum dum dummmmmm)
_ my hypothesis _
those crazy japs have decided to take revenge on america. instead
of perfecting the perfect bomb, they perfected a dimension-link. the
nintendo is a link between our dimension (the third) and the second. japs
have kept this discovery secret by making the link look similar to a
video game. they have made serfs out of the inhabitants of the second
dimension and allowed mindless american kids to control them while the
japs take over the dimension. this secret must be exposed ; i am about
to do so.
now that you're pissing in your pants from all the excitement, i'm
going to get to the bottom of this mystery. i am going to place a phone
call to 1-800-255-3700 and ask nintendo themselves. be aware that they
might try to throw us off their two dimensional trail by feeding us
disinformation. I WILL EXPOSE THE JAPS.
ring. ring.
lady : thank you for calling the nintendo consumer department hotline.
for improvement, we will be recording your phone-call. press
one for any questions on nintendo hardware, press two for..
me : 1
him : hello, thanks for calling. this is tim. how may i help you
tonight?
me : y0. remember the game duck-hunt?
him : yeah, i love that game.
me : i was curious how the gun worked. you know, how would it
shoot the ducks? i'm pretty sure i figured it out ; i'm
calling to find out if i'm right (i then went over my theories
with the guy). he was silent ; he knew i had found him
out.
him : hold on.
during this pause, i became worried that nintendo had traced my call
and were sending over japanese ninjas to 'silence' me.
him : sorry for waiting.
me : no problem.
him : in duck-hunt, the targets on the screen emitted a blast of
light when you pulled the trigger, which your gun would pick
up if it was correctly aligned.
me : you just don't want me to know about the second dimension.
you're feeding me misinformation to take me off track.
YOU BASTARD, JAP-LOVING, PEARL HARBOR...
him : sorry sir, i just work here. <click>
HE TRIED TO PLAY STUPID TO KNOCK ME OFF THE TRACK! I will have
my revenge. In the next installment of this series, I will travel to
the second dimension. I WILL SAVE MARIO AND GANG. Someone has to do
it. SLAVERY IS WRONG.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #755-WRITTEN BY: FAKE SCORPION-7/24/99 ]
