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The Hogs of Entropy 0737
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #737
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Ask Clyde, The Second Coming"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Clyde
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/16/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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ask clyde - free advice! write to askclyde@usa.net
welcome to ask clyde! ask clyde is an anonymous free advice service!
do you need free advice! i will answer your questions! i also give advice
on how to fight crime! remember -- crime does not pay! don't you agree!
ask clyde is on the world wide web! ring us up at
http://skaro.nightcrawler.com/~bneely/askclyde/ !
in this issue, stephanie gets stumped by currency, fredrick melts in
your mouth, henrik does a good deed, turnip gets drunk and desperate, ross
gains vegetable wisdom, elyse fails, jonn succeeds, and peigi's life might
stink!
we have a nice batch of questions, so let's jump right in!
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> Dear Clyde,
> Can someone ask clyde for a question?
>
> Stephanie
i suppose so! so do you want a question! here is my question!
why are 1997 dollars worth more than 1995 dollars!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> what is the most enjoyable way of eating chocolate?
>
> Fredrick
hi fredrick! happy holidays!
the most enjoyable way to eat chocolate is slow, and with a spoon!
don't get your fingers on it! you will lose a bit of chocolate! and,
licking your fingers is unacceptable! never commit food crime!
fredrick! also, have you tried eating chocolate with a fork and
knife! it is truly sophisticated!
remember, wrongful chocolate death is a crime!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> I have heard from your friend that you have many ideas for fighting
> crime. Could you please email some to me?
>
> Henrik
yes! that is correct! why do you want to fight crime!
try this: keep some lights on at night! lock your doors! never be
alone! don't talk to strangers! don't buy drugs in oakland or miami!
don't wear too much black at one time! don't use eyeliner or lipstick!
don't shave your armpits! don't use "chat rooms"!
> Secondly, I occasionally have a problem where, after I have been sitting
> down for a while, I stand up and everything goes orange and coggy. Have
> you got any ideas on how to cure this?
you are experiencing a "head rush"! it is just a matter of blood
having to find its way to your head!
the best thing to do is to drink enough water, and do not make any
sudden movements! doing so can cause a head rush, and it will also confuse
the people who are watching you by remote-viewing and spy-camera!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> last night i got very drunk and started going out with this girl. The
> thing is for her it is supposed to be "serious", but now that i think
> about it, i'm not sure she is all that attractive, etc... Anyhow, i'm
> leaving on my holidays soon, so when i get back everything will
> hopefully have "diluted".
> Cheers.
>
> Turnip
dear turnip! (surely that is not your real name!)
you have more trouble on your hands than you think!
this girl is not just an unattractive one! she is a bona fide crime!
she wants to take things from you! money, cars, privacy, house, jewelry,
and clothing! and your water supply! turnip you must guard your water
supply! i'm serious! she's after it! do you know what happens next! you
get a letter from her in mexico! and your water supply is gone!
this girl is a crime! free yourself!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> How do you use your vegetables to their fullest? I always fear that I
> am underusing my vegetables, neglecting to exploit them for their
> fullest abilities to satisfy me. What knowledge can you spare for the
> full extortion of asparagus and arugala?
>
> Ross
dear ross!
all vegetables are plus plus good! they are happy inside!
to get the most out of your vegetables, remember! get them fresh and
eat them fresh! as time goes on, vegetables lose their happies! if you eat
a non happy veggie, you'll be non happy! get those veggie happies inside
you!
also consider! do not "peel" or "chop off the bad parts"! eat the
whole damn thing! when a man and a woman get married, the man does not
marry just the leg of the woman! he marries the whole woman! so you must
eat the whole vegetable!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> should i skip doing my report on the baltic sea which should be finished
> tomorrow? i think i risk my A+ in biology if i don't. but i really
> don't want to do it and i have good reasons and excuses for not having
> done it. what do you think?
>
> Elyse
biology is really a crock of shit! don't do the report!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> i am now unemployed. should i sit around at home, sampling cds and
> generating sounds, perhaps smoking a bong every now and then, or should
> i go get a job and then sit around doing that in the weekends, or,
> should i just go around doing all of that?
>
> Jonne
dear sir!
you have no long-term vision! where do you want to be in 5 years!
where do you want to be in 10 years! think about how to get there! it will
be a gradual process! you can't go from having 1 dollar to 10000000 dollars
instantly! first you need 1 dollar! then you need to have 18 dollars!
then you will have 43 dollars! then you will break the 100 dollar mark!
next you will have 409 dollars! then you will have 1102 dollars! next you
will get to the rank of 6550 dollars! then you will get up to 10444
dollars! next you will achieve the goal of 58662 dollars! following that,
you will have 109262 dollars! after that, you will have 988400 dollars!
next you will have 3020981 dollars! then you will have 3440121 dollars!
then you will have 6245418 dollars! after that, you will have 8221341
dollars! next you will have 9310425 dollars! from there you can get up to
10000000 dollars!
i hope this helps you better plan your life!
clyde
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> Dear Clyde,
> Somebody left this on my desk:
> "need free advice? ask clyde! email: askclyde@usa.net"
> Evidently they think I need advice. Since this was at work, maybe I
> need either career or fashion advice. What kind of advice do you think I
> need?
>
> Peigi
hello!
i do not know you personally! so let me guess!
1) body odor!
2) relationship!
3) career! have you checked the classifieds recently! how about
updating your resume!
4) get some friends!
5) your car is about to be broken into! do you have an expensive
car! start taking the bus to work, or drive the junker! give
your expensive car to your kids, who instead will drive it to the
safe and secure environment of high school!
sorry, i have to tell it like i see it!
also, what is this crap with emailing me from hotmail.com! are you
doing this just to be anonymous! i don't think it's very funny! you're
just not "ha ha" material! i think this anonymous email service is a crime!
sports advice: bet on the yankees!
clyde
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that was a delightful mailbag experience! thank you for all of your
letters! be sure to watch for future columns! do you need free advice!
write to me! the address is askclyde@usa.net ! do not hesitate!
have a great day!
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #737 - WRITTEN BY: CLYDE - 7/16/99 ]
