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The Hogs of Entropy 0527
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #527
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Four Stories To Giggle Over"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Anilos
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/21/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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I: Advanced Life Saving, Baywatch Style
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Mitch gives mouth to mouth to victim (preferably with large
breasts).
Mitch exhales to side.
Mitch gives CPR.
Terrorists attack.
Mitch beats them up (even though they have neat fatigues and
machine guns).
CJ Cries.
Mitch comforts her with his love and wisdom (uses the aptly named
"affectionate, get laid face").
CJ achieves higher understanding.
Mitch gets laid.
Mitch receives gobs of cash.
Mitch holds globe in his hands, towering godlike over creation.
People of Earth rejoice.
II: The Saga Of Dorothy Dahmer (Mockery of Marilyn Manson)
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Idiot #1: Cool!
Idiot #2: It's gonna rock!
Monroe: What are you guys talking about?
Idiot #1: Dylan got tickets to the dorothy dahmer concert.
Dylan/Idiot#2: What's with you Monroe, You'd never go to a rock concert!
Your a fag!
Idiot #1: Fag! Good one dylan, Huhuhu...
Monroe: Uh, oh yeah? It just so happens that I'm going to the concert,
front row seats!
Dylan: Is that right? I got front row seats! I don't see ya there, I
kick your ass!?!
Monroe: Whu..?
<Cut to Monroe's House.>
Monroe: Mom I... uh need a hundred bucks to buy a ticket from a scalper!
Monroe's Mom: A hundred bucks! Dear lord, I'm hallucinating after only
half a bottle.
Monroe: If I don't go I'll get my ass kicked.
Monroe's Mom: Relax! You go get ready, and I'll get you in for free.
<Some time later (and after applying a lot of horrible makeup).>
Monroe's Mom: This is the style, dude!
Monroe: Oh my god! Mom! You don't know how stupid you look!
<A quick note: If any of you have seen hardcore "Mansonites" you
can imagine what they look like at this point.>
<Cut to concert, door to backstage, large burly security guard is
nearby.>
Monroe's Mom: Backstage pass? Who want that? I Hate rock stars!
It's the security guards I like! (Psst, go on in the door.)
Monroe: Whoa... I'm in.
Evil voice: Hey!
Monroe: Huh?
Dahmonite #1: Wanna do a luuude?
Monroe: No! Leave me alone, please!
Dahmonite #1: Still has morals, definately a virgin.
Dahmonite #2: A perfect offering to the master.
Dahmonite #2: Your gonna watch the show from backstage, little man!
Monroe: Sweet!
Monroe: Wow
Dorothy Dahmer: <Singing> I eat the sacrificial lamb with a bit of mint
jelly I've got Satan's baby a-growing in my belly.
Dorothy Dahmer: Thank you, you all suck!
Dorothy Dahmer: For this next song I demand... a human sacrifice!
Dorothy Dahmer: <seeing monroe, pointing to him> YOU!
Monroe: <gulp!>
Dorothy Dahmer: Hold him down, my impish minions, while I shower him with
my wrath.
Monroe: Please don't kill me!
Dorothy Dahmer: A one and a two a braaallppphhh <Proceeds to vomit>.
Dorothy Dahmer: Give it up for puke boy, you maggots.
Crowd: Yea pukey!
Monroe: Hey, they like me!
<After the concert.>
Monroe: Hey, Dylan, say, did you happen to see me on stage with the band?
Dylan: That was pretty cool dillweed. In fact I'm not even gonna kick
your ass.
Monroe: All right!
Dylan: But we'd all like to puke on the same guy that Dorothy Dahmer puke
on, right guys?
Crowd of Morons: Oh yeah!
Dylan: Enough with the chit chat, let's get to pukin'.
<All proceed to vomit on poor ol' Monroe.>
Monroe: Oh man! Maybe next time I'll just let them kick my ass!
III: The Cap'n Made It Happen
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<Enter Nathaniel, who approaches shadle student who is female.>
Nathaniel: <bubbles over head popping simulate brain activity, proceeds
to drool and stare at female in front of him.>
Girl: Ah duh... What the hell are YOU looking at... <Walks away.>
Nathaniel: <Thinking> My manhood musta scared her... Ya, that's it. Hey,
Look, It's da "Cap'n"
Nathaniel: <Yelling>: How about you suck my tree trunk Cap'n!
<Nathaniel gets a frightened look on his face, and shrivels up like
a raisin in fear.>
Nathaniel: Oh god <Mouth opening reveals one tooth/can opening device.>
<Footnote: As he stared into the face of the Maelstrom.>
Cap'n Intensity: So, so fed up.
<Footnote: he has black eyes as a result from not sleeping, very
evil.>
<Nathaniel proceeds to throw up his hands and beg forgiveness.>
<Cap'n intensity proceeds to unload three clips into Nathaniel.>
<Footnote: one clip, two clip, three clip, floor.>
Thus ends the product of multiple inbreedings.
IV: Why Peeing On An Electric Fence is Bad
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Kid walks up to electric fence and begins to pee on it.
- Cranial activity ends soon after, becomes a shadle high school
student.
- Head begins to catch fire, Looks like cancer stick (chicks dig
it)
- Hair loss may occur, use rogaine with minoxodyl.
- Loss of ability to have kids as penis catches fire, But thats Ok
all kids are evil.
- Upper torso reduced to ash, oh well at least you don't need to
get any New fashionable T-shirts (Note: May kill chance of
females being attracted to you, awwww.)
- After being totally set ablaze only a pair of shoes remain.
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First off, I would like to thank my friend Josh, me and him cooked
these stories up at school a few weeks ago. He drew some comics for them
and those are pretty nifty, but I couldn't draw them in ascii. I suck.
There are no morals or lessons to be learned except for the following:
- Baywatch and most other television programs are horrible (Who didn't see
that one coming?)
- Marilyn Manson is a waste of precious oxygen that would be better spent
burning things in an inorganic chemistry class.
- Don't ever call Josh "Captain Intensity" (A lot of you won't ever meet
him, so I'm not worried.)
- All warning labels need to be removed from dangerous products and places
so idiots that pee on electric fences and ingest bleach are cleansed
from the gene pool.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #527 - WRITTEN BY: ANILOS - 3/21/99 ]
