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The Hogs of Entropy 0429
'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #429 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "An Agnostic Tourettic Obsessive !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Compulsive -- He Also Likes Bunnies" !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Soybean 1/13/99 !!
!!========================================================================!!
Touch the knob seven times. (touch, touch, touch, touch, touch,
touch touch.) Take five steps into the bathroom across the hall, with
my toe stopping exactly at the metal rim separating the carpet from the
vinyl bathroom floor. (step, step, step, step, step. oops.) I'm not
sure there's a God. One inch too far. Return, try again: (step, step,
step, step step.) Okay. Turn shower knob to 110 degree angle, let the
water run for twenty seconds, remove clothing. (shirt, pants,
underwear, right sock, left sock.) Why, God? Rid eyes of sleep-crap,
scratch each buttcheek where it meets its corresponding hamstring, scrub
shoulders. No bunnies in the shower. I tried that once already.
Bunnies don't like rough, hot, pounding sprays, it seems. I like those
sprays, but I like my bunnies so much more. I don't scream "BITCH"
involuntarily at my bunnies as I do to my mom and Jenna-who-sits-behind-
-me-in-Ceramics. My bunnies are soothing and rid me of my physical
compulsions. Other people have compulsions, God... Jenny has to go to
the mall every Thursday or she really is a bitch on Friday. No one
shrieks or contorts their face when Jenny goes shopping, though. That's
what people do when I try to lick their nose or their dog's nose seven
times, or when I try to count their fingers. There can't be a God who
allows such things to go on. Only something so full of pure glory as
God could supply me with bunnies to sooth my nervous pain. Maybe I
should have listened in bible study more when I was younger, but it was
so much more interesting to bite each corner of the cover of my Bible.
I thought about being religious until my teacher reprimanded me for
trying to count the priest's five five five five five fingers during
mass, during Eucharist, during the Distribution of the Holy Crackers.
("LET'S GET FUNKY.") (clean.) (dry face, dry shoulders, dry arms, dry
legs, dry back, dry chest.) I like Jenna. (brush teeth.) Dress:
(underwear, pants, shirt, left sock, right sock.) Time to take the five
steps back to my bedroom, cuddle my bunnies and try to take comfort with
me. (step, step, step, step, step.) My favorite bunny is named
Napoleon, though he is not a French military expert, or even a French
bunny, or even a bunny military expect. He is named after the bakery
downtown that has pumpernickel bread that is a lovely shape and that is
a color that is reminiscent of Napoleon-the-Bunny's ears. No
breakfast; breakfast gives me gas. Get in the car, check to see that
all windows are tightly closed, start car, back out of driveway, and
accelerate to 32 mph until we come to the green house with the trolls in
the yard, five houses down. At that point, release gas and coast to a
slow and comfortable and natural stop at the neighborhood gate, leading
onto Landrie St., which leads almost directly to my school, it being
Landrie Senior High School, Landrie being someone who gave someone a
large sum of money. Or so goes my explanation.
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #429, WRITTEN BY: SOYBEAN - 1/13/99 !!
