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The Hogs of Entropy 0424
'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #424 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "House and Home with Lynette Jennings" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !!
!!========================================================================!!
"And five, four, three..." <two fingers, one finger, action!>
<Cue lame early 1990's theme music.>
<Cue lame intro sequence.>
<Cue host.>
"Hi, welcome to House and Home. I'm your host, Lynette
Jennings. Today we'll be focusing on crafts, as a part of our 'Making
Housework Fun!' week. We've got oodles of guests here with us,
including world renowned craft specialist, Marnie Williams. But we
can't get the show off on the right foot without a peek into our
mailbag. Jim, why don't you bring out the mailbag?"
<Cue guy in polo t-shirt with headset bringing mailbag.>
<Polo-shirt guy passing Lynette the mailbag.>
<Polo-shirt guy looking dumbfoundedly at the camera.>
<Polo-shirt guy walking offset.>
Lynette: "Okay let's see what we've got here today." <pulling out
already-opened letter covered in yellow Hi-Liter.> "'Dear
Ms. Jennings, you are just fabulous." <flattered laughter
coming from Lynette.> "I watch your show religiously, right
after I see the kids off to school. I'd force them to watch
the show too if they weren't off.. learning.. all the time."
<confused.> "Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that you are what
makes the world go round. Sincerely yours, Muriel Cole,
Ackley, Iowa.'
"Well Muriel, I'm so glad you watch my show. It really touches
me to recieve heartfelt letters like yours. And I love it
when people adresss me as Ms.!" <laughing at her own joke.>
"Let's see what else we've got here. <fishing through mailbag;
pulling out another letter; clearing voice.> Okay, 'Dear
Lynette, my name is Amy and I live in Klamath Falls, Oregon.
I'm 10 years old and I like your show this much:" <pauses.>
"Oh how cute she drew a little line showing how much she likes
my show. Can we get a shot of this?" <showing letter to
camera.> "Carl? Can you get this?" <camera zooms in.>
"Excellent. Great. Okay. 'I am writing you because I have
a... secret, and I don't have a lot of friends so I'm going to
tell you. Okay, here goes: Every night, when I'm in bed, my
Daddy comes in and--'" <pauses, holding letter up.> Is this
some kind of joke? Come on, who pulled the prank on me this
time?" <looking around, smiling.> "Carl? Carl you're
looking pretty suspicious!" <sounds of Carl chuckling.> "Carl!
You silly, silly man! <laughing> You know, they always get me.
But I'm a sucker for practical jokes! ha ha! Ha! ha ha!"
<serious.>
"We'll be right back."
<Cue lame sax&drum music.>
<Cue commercial break.>
<..>
<Cue lame musak.>
<Cue host.>
"And we're back over here in our Craft Cave." <putting on floral
pattern hard-hat.> "You have to be careful here in our Craft Cave.
There's some heavy duty crafting going on! Haha! We've got a very
special guest with us today. This woman is a pioneer in the arts and
crafts department, being the inventor of the Salt and Pepper
Shaker-Napkin Dispenser-Thanksgiving Centerpiece. Marnie? Marnie
Williams? Are you there?"
<Marnie jogging out pleasantly from backstage.>
"There you are!" <both laughing.> "Hi!" <cheek kisses.>
Marnie: "Hi Lynette! I'm so glad to be here! I've got a whole bunch
of fun things for us to create today!"
Lynette: "I'm so excited! You know, <looking into camera> I'd like to
take a serious moment here to discuss the importance of crafts
in the '90's. Without crafts, housewives all around would be
left with nothing to do all day long while her man is out
working and the kids are at school..."
M: "Say it, sister!"
L: "...we would be left to do our expected chores such as laundry and
mopping floors and watching soap operas and other home decor shows
like my own which will slowly but surely lead us all to our sad,
horrible and pathetically boring deaths with nothing to show for
except a few odd heart-shaped wicker baskets filled with dried
leaves and plastic flowers with little balloons and bunnies and
flowerspineconeshazelnutspiceracks....."
<Cue lame music.>
<Cue commercial break.>
<..>
<Cue happy host.>
"Welcome back to House and Home! If you're just joining us I'm
here with Marnie Williams in our Craft Cave <knocking on floral hard
hat.> making crafts! Marnie has already started making something. What
are you making there, Marnie?"
M: "I'm building every housewife's dream come true. It's a decorative
piece I like to call the SquirrelKnocker."
L: "SquirrelKnocker? Can we say that? <looking past camera; nodding>
ha ha!"
M: "It's purpose serves as a doorknocker-slash-squirrel feeder!
<holding up squirrelknocker> You can make them in any material you
like, although my personal favourite would have to be wicker. I
just love wicker. My husband loves wicker, too. He's always
getting his hands on more wicker!"
L: "A real wickerman!" <both laughing> Ha! ha! HA!
M: "Lynette, you *kill* me! Anyhoo, you can add fun little decorations
to your SquirrelKnockers. Mine here has tiny pah-pee-aye mah-shay
flowers all around, with a small decorative sign that says
'SquirrelKnocker' in a nice cursive." <holding up squirrelknocker>
L: "And you can put anything you want on the sign?"
M: "Yes, you can inscribe anything you like on the sign. You'll need a
good model enamel, so that it will survive the harsh treatment of
rain and snow. Personally I like to put a wood finish on my
SquirrelKnockers to add that extra.. je ne sais quoi!"
L: "Wow, isn't that terrific? But, Marnie, what if you're not much of a
Van Gogh?"
M: "So?"
L: "Well how will you make your cute little sign?"
M: "It's not very difficult, Lynette. It's as easy as writing with a
pen!"
L: "Yeah, but what if you're a quadriplegic and are incapable of using
paintbrushes? What then?? How will our quadriplegic viewers be able
to make their own little wooden sign inscriptions??"
M: "Let's move on to our next little craft, the-"
L: "NO! I want to KNOW! HOW THE HELL-" <Marnie walking off set>
<Cue lame fresh&alive music.>
<Cue Commercial Break.>
<..>
<Cue happy host.>
"Hi, welcome back, I'm Lynette Jennings and this is House and
Home. It's time for my favourite part of the show, 'This is Delicious,
Mom!' Cooking with us today is world famous chef, John Wilkinson.
John's appeared in such cooking programs as 'Ready, Set, Cook!' and
'FOOD NOW!'. Come on out, John!"
<John jogging out smiling.>
J: "Hi Lynette, you don't know what a pleasure it is to be on your
public access television program. Really!" <both laughing>
L: "It's great to see you again, John!"
J: "But, we've never met..?"
L: "Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha HAHA John you're such a joker! Anyhoo, what
are we cooking today?"
J: "Well today I thought we'd make something really, very special.
Since the holidays are coming up I was thinking of making some
super-ultra-insanely-low-fat-appetizers for all those Christmas
parties this time of year. All you'll need to prepare these cute
little hors d'oeuvres is some lettuce, wheat germ, and McGarry's
sausages. Looks like we're just about ready to start, Lynette!"
L: "That's great. But what about variety, John? Isn't that what it's
all about these days? Someone doesn't like what the other likes,
and vice versa? Surely you can't serve lettuce wheat germ sausages
all night long?"
J: "Well, that's the fun part, Lynette. With these three simple
ingredients, you can make over 30 different appetizers, all under 3
grams of fat!"
L: "Wow! I like the sound of that! Show us how it's done."
J: "Well, you just get a good saucepan, and chop up some of the lettuce
into it. Make sure it's washed! Then, fry the sausages in a frying
pan until they're nicely browned, periodically sprinkling wheat germ
on them. This will add flavour to the sausages, as well as protein!
Once the sausages are done, wrap a small piece of lettuce around the
sausage and hold it together with a toothpick. Once you're done,
you should have something that looks like this:"
<pulls out huge tray with 30 different sausage creations.>
L: "Wow! Look at all those different kinds of wheat germ sausages
wrapped in lettuce! I don't think I've ever seen such variety!
That's absolutely wonderful, John, really."
J: "It's my specialty!"
L: <to camera> "We'll be right back."
<Cue stolen Oprah music.>
<Cue commercial break.>
<..>
<Cue host.>
"Well, folks, I hate to say it, but that's all the time we have
for today! I'd like to thank my guests today Marnie Williams and John
Wilkinson for their wonderful cooperation. Tomorrow we've got Aikido
champion Bob Su who's going to show us how to make one hell of a shish
kabab! Hope you'll join us. Bah-bye." <waves.>
<Cue midi.>
<Cue credits.>
<Fade.>
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #424, WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 1/13/99 !!
