The Hogs of Entropy 0315

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

The Hogs of Entropy

 · 5 years ago

  

 
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! 
  ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== 
  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #315 !! 
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !! 
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== 
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Reject"     !! 
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl                          !! 
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98                                  !! 
 !!========================================================================!! 

        I have decided that maybe I should try to become a vegetarian 
 again. 

        I don't really know what sparked this.  Maybe it's because, for 
 the past week and a half, all I've been eating pretty much is salad and 
 cottage cheese.  Occasionally, a potato.  But I think I've only eaten 
 red meat once in that entire time. 

        This is not like me.  My first reaction is, who is inhabiting my 
 body and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO?  But the more I think about it, the 
 more clearly I see the true culpritsin my haze of rash change: Catalina 
 Dressing and Fake Baco's. 

        I've always hated salad dressing; I've always just eaten a pile 
 of rabbit food.  However, my mom bought a bunch of Salads In A Bag, and 
 they looked rather bland, so I thought, what the hell?  It's fat free, 
 why not try some freaky new dressing.  Surprise!  Yummy!  So I made my 
 usual salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots and cheese, Fake 
 Baco's, and some Catalina dressing. 

        After the first three bowls, I thought to myself, who needs other 
 food?  I'll just eat salad for the rest of my natural born life. 
 Catalina dressing is only $2.39 a bottle, and I can get lettuce and my 
 usual toppings free at work.  And suddenly, the thought of becoming a 
 vegetarian crossed my mind. 

        But I did NOT want to take the Fake Baco's out of the mix! 
 They're so CRISPY.  They add such a lovely FLAVOR and TEXTURE.  I 
 couldn't mess with perfection.  Not now; now that I had discovered the 
 Perfect Food. 

        So I ran like a bitch in heat to read the label of those 
 wonderful morsels of glory. 

        SOY!!!!! 

        Ahh, soy, my new best friend; how I love thee. 

        How DO they make soy taste like bacon? How do they make soy 
 taste like ANYTHING?  Alas, these questions are best saved for later -- 
 MUCH later.  After a few more salads. 

        But then another thought crossed my mind... did I really want to 
 become one of those scary Politically Correct vegetarian BASTARDS that I 
 so much love to hate?  Oh, this is where the story becomes a bit more 
 complicated.  I began to be reminded of the reasons why I did not want 
 to EVER become a vegetarian. 

        Reason #1 
        ========= 

        I hate farm animals.  I believe cows, pigs, and chickens die to 
 be eaten for a reason; because they do not deserve to live.  I HATE 
 THEM -- living.  Once they are dead and on the chopping block, then they 
 are OK.  But MAN... I really hate cows. 

        This, I believed, would be the hardest reason for me to overcome. 

        Reason #2 
        ========= 

        I hate Politically Correct Bastards.  The LAST person I wanted to 
 become was one of those Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Rejects.  I didn't 
 want to turn in to Alison, the girl who I worked with at Wendy's who 
 complained every time someone ordered a sandwich.  She really, REALLY 
 pissed me off.  And once I go that road and become PC, what's going to 
 stop me from telling sexist, racist, and religious jokes?  Will I 
 completely lose my sense of humor? 

        This reason was tough, but everyone thinks I'm a hippie anyway. 
 Besides, I'm not the preachy type, and as long as I stay off the hard 
 drugs, I should be able to control myself from turning into That Which 
 I Hate. 

        Reason #3 
        ========= 

        I am a meat pimp.  I sell burgers and chicken for a living.  I 
 will be a walking, talking hypocrite until the day I decide I am "too 
 good" for pimpin' and get a real job. 

        I could live with that one.  I'm already a hypocrite. 

        Reason #4 
        ========= 

        Thanksgiving turkey.  KFC.  Sausage and pepperoni pizza.  Fast 
 food.  Deer sausage.  Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas from Perkins. 

        Oh, it all seemed so easy up until this one.  I live on Chicken 
 and Cheese Quesodillas.  What else is there to eat at Perkins? 
 Mozzerella sticks? 

        The more I mulled this all over in my mind, the more I wanted 
 another salad. 

        *crunch* 

        mmmmmmmmm... 
        THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT 
        THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT 
        THE SALAD TELLS ME-- 

        I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD 
        I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD 
        THE SALAD IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR 
        EAT THE SALAD 
        EAT THE SALAD 

        ...no more meat for me. 

 !!========================================================================!! 
 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!   #315 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/6/98 !!