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The Hogs of Entropy 0244
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>> "Colfax, Colfax - I love thee" <<
by -> Jook
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towns like colfax, illinois are strange to me. i guess towns that were
destroyed, mangled, obliterated, annihilated, expunged, & blown into
oblivionby technology really blow my mind sometimes. the fact that these
towns are still around & not just a deserted village for ghosts & memories of
the past is proof enough for me of god's existence. colfax, illinois is one
hell of a town, i must say. the problem started because colfax was a test
site for the atom bomb during world war ii & was actually bombed in the
guamanian-american war of 1999 (guamanian emperor roberta kinchla says "dey
were impordent 'den, so dey musta be impordent gnow"). but with the dirt,
wood, pieces of trailers, grills, baby clothes, coffee cups, leather jackets,
watches, underwear, silverware & other material items being blown sky high
with the first detonation of the atom bomb in colfax, memories flew into the
air as well. like a family portrait, everything was spread onto the table
because everything and everyone could be seen. colfax, illinois was home of
marcy lewis, officially the nicest woman this world has ever seen; home of
the world famous apple cheese cake; home of the 1987 high school baseball
champions, the colfax high school bombadeers; gave birth to jimmy petterson,
creator of that lovable, adorable banana pirate pete; has the highest case
rate of lice, age 8-15 this side of the appalachians; is the only town or
city that has a population of less than 50 that has applied to be a site of
the summer olympics; & is the only place that the galapagos tortoise has ever
been seen outside the galapagos islands.
up until the second world war, colfax, illinois had been a town that existed
primarily because of the farming community around the area. corn was the
primary resource of colfax, with rice & pumpkin a close second & third. now,
the government really didn't pay attention to the fact that people actually
lived in the town of colfax, so on the morning of july 2, 1942 the people of
colfax, illinois were quite surprised to see an extremely large mushroom
cloud in the distance, sucking up most anything in its path. colfax was soon
deemed "doom town" by many. government records report jim torkelson selling
his farm to the united states government the fall before for a lofty $2.8
million. tours are given once a spring, usually on a monday or thursday.
inquiries can be made at (702) 295-0944. price is $.25 for adults (admission
free for children). please wear casual clothing in case of a fallout.
the galapagos tortoise, scientifically named the testudo nigra, was first
seen 35 years after the first test of the atom bomb. bela reed, one of the
scientist who had worked on the bomb, was taking an evening stroll on the
night of may 14, 1978. bela reed, equally as much of an animal lover as he is
a lover of charles darwin, noticed the awkward looking turtle a block or so
away from his house. in his report to scientific america, reed quoted darwin,
saying that the tortoise "is very fond of water, drinking large quantities, &
wallowing in the mud." continuing on in his report, reed said that just like
the tortoise found on the galapagos islands, the tortoise used their bladder
"as a sort of reservoir for moisture necessary to its existence." another
similarity that reed found with darwin's reports is the speed at which the
tortoise walked. darwin was quoted saying that "one large tortoise...walked
at the rate of 60 yards in ten minutes," much like the tortoise that reed had
tested walking at a rate of 65 yards in ten minutes. reed reported that it is
as if the galapagos tortoise had been found, but had evolved even farther.
the apple cheese cake was born on june 9th, 1987. the illinois state fair was
two weeks away & mary loise beckett, wife of donald beckett, mother of 4
(justin, chad, sunny, & phebe), self-employeed seamstress, resident alien
lover, fan of the new york mets, has a self-designed tattoo of her first
sexual encounter on the left check of her ass, prom court queen of 1985 at
colfax high, needed a recipe to compete with maria drum's pumpkin
snickerdoodle pie, which had won first prize at the illinois state fair's
bakeoff for the past 6 years. the pumpkin snickerdoodle pie, with its
glicening filling, shining at you with an evil stare, provoking you to take
bite after bite after bite, making you feel like you should be ashamed after
you do. the pumpkin snickerdoodle pie, like shaft picking up a woman, wasn't
the reigning champ for no reason. mary beckett was not known for her cooking,
in fact her husband donald usually cooked dinner for the beckett's, even
after a long day of work at the ford plant. mary's mother was, giving mary a
glimpse of hope. that glimpse of hope transformed mary into a cooking
machine, with its gears turning & turning.
preparing for the long haul, she preped her kitched for war. in her kitchen
she got a new refridgerator, with pictures of everyone in her family on it, a
magnet that read "you want me to cook? die!" on it, an article cut out from
the newspaper that talked about jonathon ray and his new tractor that he
bought for his farm, recipes from woman's day that she liked and was going to
look off of for ideas for her new dessert, a copy of a receipt from the
bergner's sale in the big 'ol bloomington-normal last weekend where she
bought a new dress for the fair, and the bowling scores of her husbands
bowling team, "the killer kolfax kutterz." on the counter, there was a brand
new blender, with fresh blood from mary's first attempt to blend anything in
her life, too bad it was her hand she blended. on the table was a new cutting
board, new knives, a bowl of wooden fruit, and a record player with benny
goodman records to keep her company late at night.
after two nervous break downs, a tragic accident involving a deadly block of
cream cheese that cut mary's right leg off, & a severe case of depression,
the apple cheese cake was born. the apple filling, & the apple chunks, could
be smelled past the horse show that day at the fair, filling the air with an
aroma that attracted people from as far away as the 4-h show on the other
side of the fair grounds. the judges at the fair were breathless with
excitement towards her "divine creation." one judge, biting into the sin that
was the apple cheese cake, said "this cake is like having an orgasm every
waking moment of the day. i just can't control myself." judges were also
quoted saying "this tastes like god itself." another, "i could just eat mary
up." & in her acceptance speech of the first prize ribbon, mary announced to
the onlookers that "i am leaving my husband, my family, & the town of colfax
to bring this divine treat to the rest of the world." no one argued, for they
knew it was what god wanted for the apple cheese cake.
getting back to the town of colfax, illinois, the somnambulistic atmosphere
that was left after the second world war was the saddest part. families moved
out, meaning no business for the shops in downtown colfax, so they closed
down, & with no business to run & no money to make, the business owners moved
out of town, & with no business the town basically became non-existent. my
friend steven reminds me of colfax, illinois. he comes back from the korean
war with one good leg, a shotgun shell in the right side of his face, & can't
remember a damn thing about himself from before the war. but everyday, he
limps out of bed with his one good leg, banging his head against the wall
trying to remember how to pee. after banging his head against the wall &
after he remembers how to pee, steven goes into his "listening" room as he
calls it, & listens to the song "regarding steven" by blues traveler.
"dum dum dum dum dum doo doo dum dum tweet tweet tweet, etc. etc. etc/ well i
guess your name & i'm sure you know mine/ i'd like to discuss our mutual
friend./ i can't helped but feel i left him behind/ does he still stay with
you or did his pain ever end?/ i guess i don't deserve to know, if he ever
let go/ i guess i don't really need to see if he wound up with you or did he
break free/ we were both young when he took us in . . ." listening to the
words, while taking 6 or 8 or 7 aspirins to relieve the pain of the shotgun
shell in his face, flashbacks of before the war would come back to him. gina
& chan. all three lived together in colfax, started out as r&om roommates put
together by the gods of the local colfax newspaper want ads, but ended up as
close friends. or at least they were. after steven left for the war, chan &
gina had a huge blowup over their love for each other, each others love for
steven. it occurred to chan to escape, "please decide," chan said to gina.
"i'm escaping. there are endless impossibilities here with you & me & steven.
i can't h&le the pressure."
"but chan, we need each other," gina told chan. "everything's alright.
everything's okay. everything cuts against the tide sometimes. you love me, i
love you, you love steven, i love steven. so what! we can deal with it."
chan walked across the apartment, looking as far away from gina as possible.
"well, gina, my heart can only deal with one person at a time, & if there's
more than that i can't h&le any of it." picking up his black, classic guitar
case with various stickers covering the front of the case, chan continued
"it felt a lot better when we were younger. then i could h&le it at least a
bit, & even though it has only been a few years, i have grown a lot during
that time. i'm searching for something & you can't be there if even a small
part of your heart is in love with steven. i'm taking the long cut, gina.
i'll get where i want eventually."
exhausted, gina sat in the chair that the three first bought when they moved
in together. in their first real "adventure" together they had decided they
needed some furniture, so they headed out in steven's old truck & wondered
around the streets of colfax looking for old furniture left out on the curbs
of homes or apartments complexes. after a good 45 minutes that happened upon
this pea green, flowered piece of trash gina sat in. "chan, will you say i
love you,' at least? will you atleast admit that?"
"gina, i don't love you."
"bullshit, steven. you loved me yesterday, you love me today, you'll love me
tomorrow wherever you may be going."
chan continued packing his stuff, piling his clothes up, throwing away stuff
that would be useless to him. "gina, look, i don't want to be with you, i
don't want to be anywhere near you. i don't want to look at you. i don't want
to think about you. just shut the hell up."
or so gina told steven, in the vegetable state he was in. in a letter to the
two after steven got back from the war he explains differently, saying
"i got this deal, see, in the city. lots of gigs, lots of gigs. i can make
ithere, steven. don't believe gina. this is good for me. this is good for us.
you taught us both how to live, how to believe ourselves, how to believe in
others. you exposed the truth to us during the most delicate years of our
life. i don't know if you want to hear from me or not, if you want to even
know if i exist. you inspire me even now, years later.
love, chan"
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #244 -- written by Jook -- 6/12/98 *
