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The Hogs of Entropy 0096
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| * * * * * * * * * * * * * 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 |
| * * * * * n # # 9 9 6 |
| * * * * * t # # 9 9 6 |
| * * * * * r # # # # # # # # 9 9 6 |
| ***** * * * * * * # # 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 |
| * o * * f * * o # # # # # # # # 9 6 6 |
| * g * * * * p # # 9 6 6 |
| * s * * * * y # # 9 9 6 6 |
| * * * * * * * * * * * * * 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 |
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| --- |
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| one day, metalchic approached me and asked me to write for h0e. she |
| wasn't naked. neither was i. it was after i ate a cheesesteak. i was on |
| on drugs. neither was i. we were holding balloons. nobody cared. i won |
| a brownie. she didn't either. so did we. she was on drugs. we ran out |
| of film. we had no proof. here's my proof. neither was she. |
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_midnight munchies, valium, take a shower you dirty fuck_
by styx
* mrs. o'leary's bathroom - 06/02/96 - 9:27 a.m. *
every room in the house was boring except for the bathroom because
everything talked when nobody was home. one day someone took a shit and the
fumes killed off everything except for the bathtub patrons, because bathtub
patrons are more resistant to fumes than any other bathroom patrons. as time
passed, the fume-event grew more and more legendary until the soap saw to it
that an appropriate title for a legendary story be given to this legendary
story. when nobody was in the house, soap called a council meeting of the
bathtub patrons. soap named the council meeting "a council meeting to decide
upon and announce an official legendary title for our legendary story about
the fume-event."
the bathtub patrons gathered in the bathtub.
"i have gathered everyone here this sunny afternoon to decide upon and
announce an official legendary name for our legendary story about the
fume-event. any ideas?"
backscrub spoke up. "how about 'the big, smelly shit?'"
"no," said soap.
soap was the sort of bathtub patron that agreed to his own superiority
and, therefore, was superior. nobody bothered soap because soap said that
soap was always right.
razor spoke up. "how about 'the big, smelly shit?'"
"splendid!" exclaimed soap. backscrub frowned. razor tittled in glee.
soap didn't care. the other bathtub patrons returned to their former posts,
content in their indifference, save one; the washcloth.
---
* mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 2:11 p.m. *
"stop dripping on me you stupid motherfucker!"
washcloth was dangling from the showerhead, drip-drip-dripping all over
soap. mrs. o'leary had just taken a shower.
"no."
drip.. drip.. dripdrip.. drip-p.. drip..
"i'm MELTING, washcloth!"
"yep."
"stop it!"
"no," said washcloth. "i won't stop until you rename the fume-event
'the big, smelly shit.'"
"but razor already named it 'the big, smelly shit!'"
drip.. drip.. dripdrip.. drip-p.. drip..
"okay!" shouted soap in desparation. "everyone, i call a council!"
the bathtub patrons gathered in the bathtub.
soap, soggy and weak, stood up and spoke. "henceforth, the fume-event
shall be referred to as 'the big, smelly shit,' as suggested to us by our
patron, washcloth."
"but i suggested it first!" retorted razor.
"actually, i did," noted backscrub.
everyone gathered around backscrub and beat the shit out of him. when
he lie motionless, razor sliced all of his thistles off. then razor turned
to washcloth.
"you have reduced our fearless bathtub president, soap, to a sloppy wad,
and it's all because of your greed. what have you to say?"
"well, you just sliced backscrub's thistles off and i think he's dead.
was that not a direct result of your greed?"
"you took part in the action, too."
washcloth frowned. "but backscrub was a half-assed post-christmas
defective blue light special, and he always sang rush songs in the middle of
the night."
"oh, yeah."
the bathtub patrons returned to their posts.
---
* mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 8:12 p.m. *
"we're missing america's funniest home videos!" shouted razor.
"fuck!" cried the bathtub patrons in unison.
---
* mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 9:58 p.m. *
mrs. o'leary gets her period. toothbrush finds his way to the bathtub.
nobody is happy. they fuck him up and push him down the drain. mrs. o'leary
accidentally sees. mrs. o'leary gets scared because everything in her
bathtub was talking and they fucked up her backscrub and toothbrush. mrs.
o'leary shoves a q-tip through her eardrum, has violent muscle spasms, and
drops dead. soap gets raped by the shaving cream. soap gets pregnant.
nobody understands how. then everyone else dies. then some christian bitch
with 7 kids and a minivan buys the house with her husband's child support
money. she can't get a date so she kills herself. the children, starving to
death and desparate, eat each other. the only one that survives, with no
arms, takes a shit one day and his sister's bones tear up his rectal cavity.
then he shits out eighteen pints of blood and dies on the toilet just like
elvis. everybody is happy. then a meteor hits the house and everyone dies
again. the police come because nobody gets mrs. o'leary's mail anymore and
there is a meteor in her house. they look in the mailbox and shampoo shoots
out a wad of jizz into officer waxbrain's eye. officer waxbrain's partner,
officer thimbledick, reacts instinctively and shoots his partner dead. then
shampoo jizzes into officer thimbledick's eye. he calls for reinforcements.
the cycle continues until shampoo kills off the entire town's police force.
then shampoo kills himself. everybody is happy.
---
* mrs. o'leary's remains - 06/09/96 - 6:53 a.m. *
maggot, waking from his slumber, poked his head out of mrs. o'leary's
dry, crusty vagina.
"worm? worm, are you out there?"
worm poked his head out of mrs. o'leary's dry, crusty asshole.
"yes, i am here, maggot."
maggot feigned surprise. "good to see you!"
"fuck you," spat the worm. "you just want to eat me."
"so?"
"well, yeah."
"are you going to let me eat you?"
"sure! happy birthday!"
"it isn't my birthday," explained maggot. "i just like wearing the
clothes."
"oh."
"yeah, so let's get on with it."
"okay."
they both took a shit on mrs. o'leary's shriveled clit and then maggot
ate them both.
everyone was happy.
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( (c) h0e publications - metalchic & styx - h0e #96 - 12/15/96 - bah humbug. )
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