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The Hogs of Entropy 0076
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| | ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Home and Garden" | |
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| | By: M0rpheus | |
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[ Presenting the first installment of the "It's a lonely war." series. ]
The sun rises on the quiet town of Hickory Hill, Virginia, as Richard
Skirpasian starts another day by waking up, getting out of bed, doing fifty
wheelbarrow-style pushups, and brushing his teeth with his official Gomer Pile
toothbrush. An activity which often jogs up old episodes in Rich's mind.
Rich, you see, has been doing things this way for a long time. He
grew up in this town, in these rowhomes and alleyways. "If me were mice then
mice would drive cars." that's his motto.
But if there's one thing this man hates, if there's one thing that
riles up the deamons in this man's mind, if there's one thing that turns this
man into a psycho-killing machine, much like a twisted vegomatic or a deranged
juice-machine, it's backyard decks on rowhomes.
The very next day, at this same exact moment, only a day later, he
noticed that some sick, demented fool was attempting to erect a deck right
down the street from him. Hasn't the message gotten through to these people?!
Haven't the countless deck-related deaths made any impact on their thick
skulls?! It was now painfully obvious that Rich would have to once again take
matters into his own hands.
Rich left his house through the backdoor and walked over to the site.
Nobody was there at the moment.
See rich as he walks around to the front of the house. go, rich, go.
After knocking on the door he noticed it was unlocked. He drew his gun close
to his face and kicked the door in. He was greeted by a firebomb in the air
headed right at him. He opened fire, causing the bottle to explode in the air
sending flaming shards of oily glass and napalm right back at the sender but
already the firebomb-guy's body was riddled with bullets.
That didn't deter Richard one bit, he continued to fire his weapon
until he finished off his biggie bullet clip, broke it out and strapped it to his
back. He searched the rest of the house, encountering many gooks, potheads,
hippie-space-junkies, ansi-monkey-scuz-cases, and scum dizzlers, all of which
he pummeled to death with his testicles.
These were powerful vegetarian testicles.
When he finished the body count, there were 19 dead. 3 drug dealers,
9 addicts, 12 pornographers, 3 old ladies, 23 pregnant women, one collie dog
much like lassie, and eight girl scout troops.
As he left out the front door he mumbled "cool." and then "when will
they learn that decks are a menace to society?" On his way home he thought of
an old gomer pile episode and laughed and laughed and wet his pants.
Upon arrival at his home, he relaxed with some Fosters and Pornography.
Suddenly he lapsed into a suicidal rage! "I gonna die!" he shouted as he put
the gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but the bullet hit him before he
could finish the phrase "I gonna die my hair pink!"
Only minutes later, the next day, he woke up in a puddle of blood,
his testicles were sitting next to him on the sofa. "You've got a lot of
explaining to do!" They said, "Sure, you think we're just yer crime fightin'
doodads, but we care, about warez, but about _you_ too rick."
Well lucky for rick the bullet passed directly through his head doing
virtually no damage to the goo inside, and managed to fly through the ground
across town and _kill john f kennedy_! That's one picky bullet!
And from this medly of short, stupid paragraphs, we gleen a queer
peek at the world of America's lonely Warriors, and we also see the err in
backyard decks.
For a grande burrito finale rick took his highschool marching band
saxophone outside and used it in a skillful manner to bludgeon an old lady
walking home from a poodle-party.
"Die you slimy slime-slime ball! Die you sticky icky snicket! Perish
you who defile the earth with dingdongs... dingdongs? What are _they_? Candy
doodangs? I sure hope not!" and with that they had a good laugh, the kind
you can only find at the end of a h0e text file.
"What's really amazing, you see, is this file will never end, since
the only way to totally understand the hidden meaning and the subtle jokes
is to READ IT AGAIN! from the BEGINNING! hahaha" and with that he beat her to
death with his testicles, much like a robberbaron does (or should do) with
what would _appear_ to be a blackjack. hahaha... but we gn0 what they REALLY
are don't we! :>
I think it would be tacky, when the royal nanny is ready a story book
to the little prince edward, or what have you, and then she/he would say
`now here's the part that makes you fart!' and then I think it would be even
more tacky if she/he farted, and I think it would be very tacky if they went
on to laugh about it.
And the little red lamb said "kill me, kill me please" the end.
---------------------------------[the end]------------------------------------
The moral to this story is "Kill them all; they will never learn."
Is dis dah house of mrs. mouse?
yes.
Warez dat biznatch now?
dead. i killed her with my furry little hands.
murderer!
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Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications and M0rpheus. #76 --> 5/1/95
All rights Reserved.
