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The Hogs of Entropy 0083
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| | ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Children of the Tube" | |
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| | By: Neko & | |
| | An Anonymous Wigger | |
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-[ Prelude ]-
I wrote this story about a year ago in my school's wonderful computer
class. The wonderful computers were Apple ][e's. So, in between trying my
hardest to piss the teacher off with my computer knowledge (superior to his),
I had to write a story so I could learn how to use a W0RD PR0SEZZ0R. Well,
everyone wanted to "partner" with me because I knew how to use computers.
Finally, a wigger ended up with me and thats why the characters in this story
are rappers. For the most part, the characters were his ("Yo! You just
gotzta put Doctah Dre in there!"), but the story was all mine. By the way,
the computer teacher did not want us to print this story out because he
feared he would get in trouble if any of the administration found out.
Enjoy.
-[ The Story ]-
One fine day in the middle of the night, Michael Jackson went to Xuxa's
house to molest little boys. When he got there, he found out that Barney had
come to join him, and Lambchop was not far behind. After the "incident", Xuxa
would claim she has no idea what was going on.
Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg found out about this mysterious plot and go
in their '64 and got their butts in gear to Xuxa's mansion. Barney could
sense that they were coming and sent some Snoop Doggy Dogg fans out to
distract them. Well, they got Snoop mad at them and Snoop pulled out his
AK-47 (standard Long Beach issue) and blew them away. Free of this
distraction, Dre and Snoop continued to Xuxa's mansion, only stopping along
the way to pick up Bill Bellamy, Ice Cube, 2Pac and Ice T.
They were rolling in their '64 when Eazy E and his ganstas thought they
were all that when Dre saw them. Everyone in the car (except Bill Bellamy)
pulled out his own gun of choice and shot the gangstas until all that was
left was Eazy E. Dre and Eazy E dueled to the death with switchblades.
Finally, Dre shoved the blade across Eazy's throat, killing him. Then, for
added effect, he shoved it up his butt. When the pigs came, Ice T started
singing "Cop Killer" and blew them away. Then they all hopped back into Dre's
'64 and continued on their way to Xuxa's pad.
Snoop saw some fools and Dre got out his gun and Rat-Tat-Tat, "I never
hesitate to put a fool on his back."
They saw Cypress Hill hitchhiking along the road. They picked them up and
smoked pot the rest of the way to Xuxa's house.
Upon arrival, they pulled out their AKs and blew down Xuxa's door. They
saw Michael Jackson pulling down a little boys pants. Then they went in for
the kill. But not before Ice Cube said, "C-c-chickity check yoself before you
wreck yoself, FOO!" Michael screamed and grabbed his crotch and ran away.
They sent Bill Bellamy out as a diversion (and as a sacrifice, but Bill
didn't know that!). When Michael shot at him and killed him, Ice Cube snuck
around behind and put a gun to Michael's temple and pulled the trigger,
emptying three clips into his head, laughing like a maniac.
Barney jumped out with his uzi and shot at them. Dre shouted, "Get in my
'64 and we'll go make a plan!" So, they all ran to Dre's '64 and drove to the
nearest Motel 6. There, they planned how to kill Barney and Lambchop and save
the molested children.
Dre said, "2Pac, you wus, you haven't done crap to help ut." Then Onyx
drove up and shot 2Pac, leaving without a trace.
A note flew through the window. Dre read it out loud. "Come at midnight or
the kids die. --Barney and Lambchop." "We've got to move NOW!" shouted Snoop.
They started rolling in their '64, but first stopped at a McDonalds, because,
hey, even good guys need chow!! They ordered the Value Meals and Coke. Then
they were back on the road to Xuxa's. On the way there, they got in an
accident with a milk truck, sent by the ringleaders, New Kids on the Block. So,
Dre said, "Damn. Gotta buy the Lamborghini. Oh, well." So, they bought (using
the five finger discount, of course) a red Lamborghini Countach 5000SX with
batwing doors.
Back on the road, Ice Cube realized in exclamation, "We've been so busy,
we haven't even made a plan!" So they stopped at the Quality / Comfort /
Clarion / Sleep hotel. They got a room near the front window. Naughty by
Nature did a drive-by and a stray bullet hit Ice T in the head, killing him.
They decided they wanted to take out Lambchop first, and formulated a plan to
do so. When Lambchop was having his midnight snack of milk (or was it?) and
cookies, they snuck in and poisoned his "milk". He took one drink, then
turned into a strange color, a can of Spam, then back into Lambchop and
exploded, leaving a nasty mess in Xuxa's formerly clean kitchen. Xuxa's maid
walked in, saw the horrifying site and killed herself.
Dre and his homies then returned to the hotel to formulate a plan to kill
Barney. In their hotel room was Vanilla Ice and Snow, asking to help out.
"Hell no!" shouted Dre. "Word to your mutha," retorted Vanilla Ice. Then Dre
and Snoop killed them because everyone knows, white men can't rap!
Now they figured out how to kill Barney. This was not an easy thing to do
because Barney was so clever, and even though he molested kids, they still
loved him. Well, maybe that was because they were his zombified slaves that
they loved him, but...
They broke back into Xuxa's house through the basement, taking out
Barney's zombifying machine in the process, which in turn released all the
kids from Barney's evil grasp. All the kids agreed to help take out Barney.
The kids jumped on Barney to distract him, while Snoop jumped on his back and
ripped his head off, with the spine attached, just like Sub-Zero.
Now they head bosses came downstairs. "The New Kids!!" shouted Dre in
surprise. "Yes, it's us. We needed to satisfy out 'hunger' by molesting boys
(and each other)." The homies fought with the New Kids for several hours
before becoming tired. The New Kids got them tied up. Dre, Snoop, Ice Cube
and Cypress Hill were all tied together in the corner. Just as the New Kids
were about to molest them, Beavis and Butt-head jumped out with their flame
throwers on high. Burning the New Kids to a cinder, shouting, "Why does so
much stuff suck!?" Then Butt-head added, "Yeah, yeah. I hate stuff that
sucks. Oh, well, now the world has one less thing that sucks." They burned
the homies ropes off, just barely burning Cypress Hill's pot stash. The
homies thanked Beavis and Butt-head. Then they got the kids and evacuated
them from Xuxa's mansion of Hell, returning them to their proper homes.
Beavis and Butt-head set the house on fire, burning it down to the ground.
-[ Note ]-
The author does not endorse (c)rap music in any way shape or form. The
author does not mean to imply that Michael Jackson, Barney, Lambchop and the
New Kids on the Block are child molesters (even though they are). The author
is extremely sorry for anyone who felt hurt by this story, even if you're a
retard if you were.
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Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications and Neko. #83 -> 06/16/95
All rights Reserved.
