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The Hogs of Entropy 0055
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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "I Object! : The Introduction to Being a Lawyer" | |
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| | By: Charlie | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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Being a Lawyer is easy. And it pays well too. That's basically all you
need to know. Thanks to today's world, it doesn't take very much to learn
how to be one - and with this handy-dandy t-file you'll be one step closer.
There's really only one major rule that you need to know if you want to
get into law. Postulate: If you act like you care, but really want money -
you will be a success. Beyond that we have found that dropping all your
ethical and moral values also tends to improve a lawyers chance for success
for some strange reason. We are not here to rag on lawyers, however. We
are here to help you out on two major things that new lawyers have a problem
with: Cross-Examination and making Objections.
- %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - WARNING - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% -
HOE assumes no liability for the outcome of cases presented
or using any of the educational material presented in this file.
The user accepts all responsibility and fees from any cases
presented.
- %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - WARNING - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% -
The Rules for Cross-Examination
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Cross-Examination is something that all superior lawyers
will eventually need to learn in their lives. Usually. It's
actually incredibly easy to do, and here are some basic rules and
examples of what to do when you are cross-examining someone. I do
it all the time. The Mailman, the Neighbors, and the Newspaper boy
all get it from me.
(1) Be an Asshole
-------------
Everyone fears an asshole. Be one. All you have to do is think out
everything and be real confident. Not a problem, huh? There's
nothing more scary than a lawyer that is prepared for anything. If
you don't put up with any shit from the witness and aren't afraid to
tap into their life in any way if need be, you're on your way. This
is the most important step!
*The Wrong Way*
You: ummmmmmm... What were we talking about? Do you like my rug?
*The Right Way*
Witness: Who do you think you are questioning my personal life?
You: Me? I graduated from Harvard Law School in 1975. Graduated in
top 5% of my class. Honors in federal and civil protection law.
Interned at the law firm of _H & R Block_, where I set the
company record for most money stolen from clients. I am now a
member of the California bar, next in line for the OJ Simpson
defense team. And just what exactly have you done with your life,
besides wasting my time?
(2) All witnesses are bastards
--------------------------
Know the probable answer to your questions before you ask. All
witnesses want to do is damage your case to help their story out.
They suck. Know EXACTLY what you are going to ask a witness ahead
of time and EXACTLY what point you want to make. It's not a time
to poke around for new information for curiosity. That can end up
damaging you. Remember also, that the point of all this is not to
get out the truth (Hey, Who needs THAT!?)...the point is to win your
case!
*The Wrong Way*
You: Hey. How's it going?
Bob: Fine. And you?
You: Just dandy. SSsssay! You wouldn't happen to know who the
murderer was would you???
Bob: Shure I do. It was your client.
You: DOH!
*The Right Way*
You: So, Mr. Bob... You aren't sure if it WAS in fact my client, do
you? You do realize the possibility that it was a look-alike,
don't you?
Bob: DOH!
(3) Pay Attention To What Is Going On Around You
--------------------------------------------
It wouldn't do to have a witness confess to the crime your client
is accused of, and you missed it because you were too busy taking a
nap! (Or listening to headphones) It is crucial that you listen to
what the witness is saying, even if he isn't yours! Crucial details
are often told by a witness without even realizing it, it's up to
YOU to find them.
*The Wrong Way*
You: And just what race was the assailant?
Witness: He was white.
You: And just what race is my client?
Witness: He looks black to me.
You: Oh. Oh well. Your witness.
*The Right Way*
You: And how did you fill out your 1040 form?
Witness: With a pencil.
You: With a pencil? With a pencil! Isn't it true that you do not, in
fact, own a pencil in your home? Why are you lying?
(4) Avoid philosophical discussions with the witness
------------------------------------------------
While everyone loves a good argument, especially in court, (you're
getting paid by the hour, remember), it doesn't do to get TOO far
off the topic and start arguing with the witness over something
rather inconsequential, like God or somethin'.
*The Wrong Way*
Witness: Look, your client was attacking me with a rifle, and I was
worried for my life. What do you want me to do? Get myself
shot? God forbid something like that should happen to my
family.
You: God? Are you a religious man? Are you saying that my client's
*alleged* attack on you was caused by divine intervention, and
he was therefore not responsible for his actions? Are you saying
that all of us have our future's preordained by some omnipotent
being? Do you think that we have no choice, no freedom to
construct our own stability in the chaos of the universe? What
is chaos, anyway?
*The Right Way*
Witness: Look, man, all I did was shoot the prick. He pissed me off,
okay? Look, he was just some stupid motherfucker and I put
him out of his misery, okay!?
You: Well, when you put it that way, I guess you're right. All
charges dropped, Your Honor.
(5) Don't let witnesses explain things on their own
-----------------------------------------------
This can be disastrous for you, especially with a hostile witness.
Most witnesses are just looking for an opportunity to put in their
own little details that can destroy your case. Under no circumstances
should you leave an open-ended question hanging for a witness to
destroy you.
*The Wrong Way*
You: Now, Mr. Reynolds, would you please describe just how
*supposedly* my client attacked you?
Witness: Well, he came up to me with a gun. Pointed it at my leg.
Shot me. Took my money. Smiled, and left.
You: DOH!
*The Right Way*
You: Now, Mr. Reynolds. Did my client approach you at night?
Witness: Well, yes he d-
You: How did he approach you?
Witness: Well he sort of-
You: Sort of? Sort of? Come now, Mr. Reynolds, can't you be more specific?
Witness: Well, he was walking towards me and -
You: I see. He was walking towards you. And is that a crime?
Witness: Well, no, but then he-
You: We're not talking about that now, Mr. Reynolds, we're talking about
then.
Witness: I know that, but you're not letting me explain what really hap-
You: I think we know all that we need to know now. Your witness.
(6) Don't let the witness take charge
---------------------------------
Remember, you are the one in control here. Make sure that you keep
control of the witness and that it is you who steers the conversation
to where YOU want, not where the witness wants to take it.
*The Wrong Way*
You: But it seems like it was awfully dark for you to be able to
identify my client as the assailant so surely.
Witness: Have you ever been attacked?
You: Me? No.
Witness: Well, I have, and let me tell you I don't ever want to
repeat it.
You: Well, I can certainly understand that.
Witness: Can you? I don't think so. Oh, you seem *so* sure of
yourself in your Brooks Brothers suit and your fancy car and
your Harvard degree, but when it comes to punishing the real
criminals in this town, you hide behind all of that and let
us common people deal with the problems that you rich folk
just don't want to handle. Isn't that true?
You: Well, I... I mean that is... But I didn't...
Witness: Of course you didn't. You didn't do anything. That's the
problem. Not doing anything. I think I proved my point.
Your witness.
*The Right Way*
You: I call Mr. Adams to the stand.
<Witness approaches stand>
You: SIT DOWN!
<Witness sits>
You: State your name.
Witness: Um, Mr. Douglas Adams, but my friends call me Doug.
You: Your Honor, I move that the reply "um" and "my friends call me
Doug" be stricken from the record, and the jury be instructed
to ignore those completely irrelevant topics.
Witness: DOH!
You: Your Honor, I move that....
(7) Stop!
-----
Be sure that you can resist the temptation to charge your client that
extra dollar by carrying out a cross-examination just a little too
long. Remember, you're not there to impress your client, but the
jury. Be sure to stop yourself from straying too far from the topic
and boring everyone in the courtroom.
*The Wrong Way*
You: And just how did my client approach you?
Witness: He walked up to me.
You: And just how did he walk up to you? Did he saunter?
Witness: No, I wouldn't say so.
You: Would you call it a swagger?
Witness: No, not really.
You: Well, did he jog?
Witness: No! Is there a point to this?
You: I'm the one asking the questions! (See lesson #6)
[three hours later.....]
You: So tell me, do you think that the Eagles should keep Cunningham
another year? Or should they trade him for a draft pick and go
with someone new?
Witness: Well, just look at his stats. Except for this year, he's
almost undefeated at home, and his touchdown to
interception ratio is...
Judge: <Yawn> <blink, blink>
Jury: <snore>
Jury2:<scratch>
Jury3:No, no! Dump Cunningham and keep Brister!
Jury4: What are you talking about? Cunningham has the best record...
*The Right Way*
You: Please state your name.
Defendant: Archie Bunker.
You: Did you commit this crime?
Defendant: No.
You: Your witness.
The Rules for Objection
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Objecting is an essential part of any lawyers career. Here are some rules:
(1) Know your objections
--------------------
It's easy to forget one, but you'd best learn to not.
It would be just plain stupid to stop yourself from objecting
because you forgot it's name. Of coarse it's even more stupid
to not even be aware if something can be objected to.
*Example*
You: Your Honor! I Object! That comment...it was...it was.....
wait! Don't tell me... I know it....
Here is a quick list of Objections:
(a) Here say - When the witness quotes anyone other than the two
parties.
(b) Asked and Answered - A total redundant thingie.
(c) Leading the Witness - This is okay for Cross-X, but it's when a
lawyer basically forcefully draws
conclusions for their client to just say
"yes" or "no" to.
(d) Badgering - When you're being a dick
(e) Irrelevant - When your line of questioning is pointless
(2) Don't make up objections
------------------------
If you don't think something is right...it might be just
be something that is covered by another objection.
*Example*
You: Your Honor, I object! That comment was way too Metaphysical!
(3) Don't object too much
---------------------
If you do, you'll be a pain in the ass. The Jury will think
you're an insecure "un-hip" lawyer. It'll cause everyone to think you
are delaying the "progress" that they (for some reason) expect to take
place in the court room.
*Example*
Lawyer: Please state your name for the record.
You: I object, Your Honor! The witness's name is completely
irrelevant!
Lawyer: Alllllllright... Um, I guess I withdraw that question. Um,
you are a relative of the defendant, are you not?
You: Objection! Asked and answered!
Lawyer: <sigh> Ok. I withdraw that as well. Can you please describe
what transpired on that fateful evening?
You: Objection, Your Honor! Calls for the witness to draw a
conclusion.
Lawyer: Do you mind?!
You: Objection, Your Honor! Prosecution is badgering the defense
counsel!
(4) Don't object too little
-----------------------
Sitting around and not objecting for no reason is dumb.
There's nothing that makes you look more like a moron if there's
something obviously objectable happening and you miss it.
*Example*
Lawyer: Mr. Jones, you heard the policeman scream at the Defendant
"you dirty rodent!", didn't you?
You: zzzzzzzz...
Jury1: Hey! That's here say!
Jury2: Yeah, and that's leading the Witness too!
You: DOH!
This concludes the tutorial for you young aspiring lawyers!
Good luck and be sure to talk about the Hogs of Entropy in
the Court room. It wins points with MOST judges. Really!
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications and Charlie #55 --> 02/05/95
All rights Reserved.
