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The Hogs of Entropy 0031
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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "The True Clash of the Titans" | |
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| | By: Psycho Santa | |
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We've all seen the excellent movie "Clash of the Titans". No one ever
told you about the OTHER clashes of titans...Now chronicled here.
THOR.................The Norse God of Thunder
vs.
BARNEY...............The Dinosaur Bringer of Sharing
ROUND ONE
It begins...
Thor had had enough. The song of the evil dinosaur Barney had driven
him mad. Thor now knew that the purple atrocity must perish. Thor,
bastion of courage, however, could not bear himself to face the horror
face to face, so he, with tears in his eyes from accepting an act of
cowardice, threw his mighty hammer Mjolnr, striking Barney directly in
his purple spine.
Barney reeled from the mighty shock, but was not badly hurt. Somehow,
his legions of child worshippers gave him unearthly (even unAsgardly)
powers of strength and invulnerability. He turned about and gave a mighty
shriek.
"That wasn't very nice at all, Thor. Maybe we should sing about
sharing!", wailed the purple monstrosity. Barney lifted his voice in the
monotonous chant of his followers:
"I love you,
You love me.
We're a happy family!
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?"
Then something happened that had never occured before in all of
history: The mighty Thor fell to his knees in pain.
That would've been the end of it, were it not for two voices:
Baby Bop whined in her sing-song voice: "Get him Barney, he doesn't want
to share his worshippers, so he must be PUNNNNNISHED!!"
And then another voice: The voice of Odin the All-Wise, Thor's
Immortal father, "Demons, begone! Torture not the Immortals of Asgard! Get
thee gone!"
With that, Thor had renewed strentgh. He sprung to his feet, and
swung Mjolnr mightily, smashing it into Baby Bop's horrid face. A sickening
crack is heard, and the Green Terror swung backwards. Another swing, and
Baby Bop felt Mjolnr hit her tremendous gut, and her lunch spilling. Both
the sordid cookies she fed to the minions, but also the bones of the
children she devoured offstage. The secret was out.
Baby Bop curled over in agony. Thor swung again, striking her face
with inredible force. She, being too heavy to fly, fell backwards with a
whine, and she whimpered as Mjolnr crashed again and again into her limp
body. As he raised the mighty hammer for a coup de grace, Barney played
another part in the titanic struggle. Thor had forgotten the second verse.
"I love you,
You love me.
We're best friends as friends can be.
With a great big HUG and a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?"
Thor didn't fall again. He also didn't escape the Evil Purple One's
wrath unscathed. Blood vessels in his eyes ruptured, making his eyes
bloodshot and fearsome, many of his teeth exploded in puffs of flame and
massive thundercracks, and his ears began to ring and ache. Thor mustered
the will power to speak without shrieking in terror and agony. He spoke only
these simple words: "Never, you demonic purple cur! Die the coward that you
are!"
Thor's charge was impossible to ignore, and Barney didn't even try.
He swung backwards, groaning as Mjolnr shattered his purple reptilian snout.
The hammer handle then struck the demon's knees. Barney fell to his belly,
the gut his only support. Mjolnr crashed against the beast's head, and
Barney fell.
Thor moved with great pride as he reached over and tore the tail off
of his fallen opponent. He held it up, shouting words of victory, all of them
he could think of. He swung the tail around once, spraying bright neon pink
blood over all of the scenery. "I stand victorius over the purple demon, and
hold his tail as a trophy! Never again will he scourge the airwaves!"
Baby Bop was not dead as was believed, but she simply could not fight
any more. She feebly crawled off, plotting insidious revenge with each plop
her obese and tattered body made upon impact with the ground.
Thor just may live to regret his triumph.
Epilogue:
Baby Bop stood before her cauldron of evil magicks, chanting.
She hadn't anticipated defeat, and the number of youth sacrifices required
to restore Barney and build their strength was enormous. Millions of innocent
(yes, innocent, even if they did worship Barney) preschoolers perished in the
bubbling fluids, their last words numbering only three each: "I love you."
Hours and hours of time passed, and millions of children perished,
and then the spirit of the purple Sauron rose from his defaced and defiled
body. His tail, still in Thor's possesion, wasn't recovered. Many scars upon
many more stood out on his shattered face. His wounds alone were the only
ones more impressive than his consort's. His teeth were broken and torn, his
eyes bleeding and sagging in their sockets. His left arm hung loosely in its
assigned place, threateningly pulling at the socket. His right arm didn't
even attempt to appear useful. It merely sat and swung there, flapping in the
breeze. He limped, switching legs occasionally. And his head wouldn't rest
properly on his neck, instead lolling back and forth. Barney was no longer
the cute, friendly (in appearance, he was always the Great Purple Satan of
Backstage Molestation) thing he was. He was a haggard and bloodstained beast
of the darkness, with only his friend and lover Baby Bop for help.
Baby Bop was no spring pig either. Her flattened head now takes on
general appearance of an anvil, but one with many dents and scratches. One
eye is missing, the other hanging from its bloodied socket. Her tail thumps
weakly on the ground, its twists and kinks hurting with a sharp, knifing
pain.
With one look into each other's remnants of eyes, the two swore
revenge. A bitter and eternal revenge, only ending when Thor's lifeless
corpse lay dead in Baby Bop's cauldron.
GODZILLA DESTROYER OF TOKYO vs. BARNEY THE PURPLE ATROCITY
Barney arose from the deep, dank cave and began to search for a
victim. In order for a proper rematch against the thunder god, he must leave
a calling card. Any mighty beast or immortal slain in battle was required by
tradition. Barney headed directly for Monster Island, the most likely place
to find an opponent.
Godzilla was content. After destroying Tokyo and saving the world
from some of the most despicable of the evil monsters, he thought he could
rest on his hard-earned laurels. He was wrong.
Barney stood at the entrance to the cave. He spotted the other mighty
dinosaur, seeing an opportunity. He called out in challenge, shrieking the
mighty beasts's name in indignation.
Godzilla, although tolerant of most from mere mellowness, at first
ignored the challenge, not wanting to shed blood in his mighty abode.
Unfortunately for his plans of avoidance, the challenge repeated, this time
more belligerent and demanding. This was too much for the ancient and
majestic dinosaur, who then stood and accepted the challenge. He stomped the
ground in threat, and walked towards his next meal.
Barney now saw that he had challenged Godzilla, King Of Monsters. The
title was a magnificent one, holding a great deal of respect if held well, or
fear if abused. Barney was one who would abuse it to its fullest. He could
taste the many sacrifices that would lay ahead if he won.
Godzilla made the first attack, not pulling a punch. His massive
tail crashed against the younger beast's ugly head, and a scaly elbow also
came into contact with the purple mass of scar tissue. Barney, weak from his
situation, followed with a punch, but the feeble attack was caught by his
opponent, and several powerful knees crashed into the green gut, and then, as
if Barney weighed nothing, Godzilla threw him a fair distance, and the purple
one cracked the mountain with impact.
Barney, realizing that his throat had been severely damaged in his
earlier encounter, knew that his voice weapon would be powerless, so he
hoisted a tree, and thrusted the trunk into Godzilla's gullet, and then spun
around to bring the root end against the dignified lizard's head.
The tree swung upwards, knocking several large and razor sharp teeth
into the air. The tree's trunk swung then downwards, cracking the mighty
monster's skull. Another swing knocked Godzilla over, bleeding and broken.
Godzilla knew he had lost his first fight. He simply couldn't fight
anymore. He wouldn't however, let his opponent away uninjured. He opened his
mouth, and discharged a massive blast of his thermo-nuclear breath, and the
Great Purple Satan was ignited. Godzilla passed into darkness with a sense of
satisfaction. Barney saw no darkness, only flames...
THOR NORSE GOD OF THUNDER vs. BARNEY KING OF MONSTERS
ROUND TWO
Thor spotted the flames from many leagues away, knowing at once,
from mere instinct (although a god's instincts) that his opponent still
stood. Thor set out at once for Monster Island.
In an instant, the two eternal antagonists spotted each other. Both
recognized the other, and the two charged into battle. Barney, cloaked in
flame, and scarred beyond repair, now looked fierce and respectable. Thor,
in full battle gear, and carrying Mjolnr, the mightiest weapon in existence,
looked fearsome and majestic. The collision brought attention from every
corner of the Earth, and many Immortals from Mount Olympus and Asgard were
awakened. And Psilocibius, the Shroom God, was awakened from the depths of a
trip induced by shrooms numbering in the thousands. This happened to make
him angery, as this was an impressive number of shrooms, even for a god. All
Immortals and Semi-Mortals came to see the epic struggle.
Barney swung a massive flame-wreathed arm at Thor, who took the blow,
and also began to burn. The two battle worn and flaming combatants were more
impressive than many of the Immortal Wars combined. Mjolnr whistled as it
flew into Barney's flaming face, now made soft and malleable from the fires,
started by a thermo-nuclear reaction, and fueled by the flesh of an Immortal.
His head molded to fit the hammer, which enraged him into a fury. Many a blur
of purple struck the armor and skin of Thor, bruising and battering the
mighty god of thunder.
Mjolnr struck again, this time on the top of Barney's melting head,
summoning a mighty thunderbolt, increasing the intensity of the flames. Only
then did Godzilla awaken from the injury-induced darkness.
THOR NORSE GOD OF THUNDER and GODZILLA THE DEFEATED
vs.
BARNEY OF THE PURPLE BURNING FLAMES
Godzilla rose shakily to his feet, using his broken tail for balance.
He opened his mouth, and the once feeble thermo-nuclear breath now withered
the trees from its mere vicinity. However, Barney was struck directly.
Barney, feeling the incredibly hot breath of an opponent thought
dead, turned to face his new attacker, which proved to be a mistake. In fact,
a fatal mistake. Mjolnr struck with all of the remaining strentgh of an
infintely strong god. Barney's head exploded from the blow, spraying his
black (It changed colors in his reincarnation, that WASN'T a continuity
error) blood in all directions, as his body melted from the full force of
Godzilla's breath.
Risking nothing, Thor and Godzilla both immediately began fiercely
attacking the corpse, making sure that it can no longer rise. The obese blob
of a body is melting under the heat of a thousand suns, and is being forged
into nothingness by the mightiest weapon in existence. No chances.
Epilogue
"YOU INSIGNICANT PATHETIC FOOLS!!!!" Baby Bop appeared in a flash of
crimson light, furious. "YOU CANNOT DESTROY US!" She then grabbed Barney's
unrecognizable body, and disappeared in another flash of the same crimson
light.
It took every last worshipper to raise Barney again, and many other
children from other faiths were sacrificed, although they didn't hold as much
power. Barney of the Purple Burning Flame was no more. Barney, Evil Incarnate
rose from his predecessor's blob of molten flesh. His head is no more than a
flaming, cackling skull, and the creamy-white teeth are now obsidian fangs of
unholy sharpness and strength. His eyes are two flaming orbs, the only
remnants of the dead eyes that children would look away from in awe and
respect. His legs and tail no longer existed, replaced only with evil vapours
and flame. His arms ended in 6-inch long razor sharp claws, venomed with the
hatred of an evil spirit twice risen from Inferno by evil magicks. His voice
no longer held the sweet poison that entranced millions. It is now a
scratched, echoing apparition of pain. The playful antics were replaced by
furious screams. No child would ever worship him again. He held sway only
over demons and dark souls long corrupted. Barney, Evil Incarnate uttered a
laugh, no longer the sickenly delightful giggle of before, but an insane and
twisted cackle that perverted the soul with its merest whisper.
THEATRE OF PURPLE AND CRIMSON: THE EVIL AWAKES
Mjolnr shattered the boulder barring entrance to the lair of Baby
Bop. Thor, with a host of other Immortals, entered with fury in their hearts
and the extermination of evil in mind. Thor stood at front, followed
immediately by Ares and Tyr, who stood shoulder to shoulder. Behind them
stood Ra, the Egyptian god of light and the sun, Godzilla, defeated King of
the Monsters and Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. The rear was held by
Psilocibius, the Shroom god.
Barney, taken by surprise, never had a chance to attack. Ra opened up
a beam of holy light of extreme intensity. Barney shrieked as his evil spirit
felt the light of the sun sear his very soul. Ares' spear tore open Baby
Bop's chest, and she shrieked in terrible agony, uttering a thousand curse's
in one breath.
Barney, in agony and sensing his defeat, grabbed Baby Bop, and pulled
her into the evil cauldron, while she uttered a brief incantation. In the
fury of battle, Thor lept in immediately, helmet first. Tyr followed quickly,
as well as Ares, who wouldn't leave this battle unfinished. Godzilla had to
squeeze and shove himself in, while Poseidon grabbed Psilocibius, who was
standing there confused (he still wasn't firmly back in this world).
OUTWORLD: THE CHASE
Most of the gods groaned in pain passing through the planar portal,
feeling their Immortal bodies and souls being pulled through a strainer.
Psilocibius not only looked unhurt, he seemed to have enjoyed the trip.
"How in the name of Hades did you go through without the slightest
pain, Fungus-thing?" Ares snapped angrily, his mood fouled by the pain of
the dimensional shift.
"Simple, you over-warred imbecile! I am used to reality shifts,
although I prefer smaller ones. The dimensional travel seems to also pulled
me firmly into a single plane as well. Learn to enjoy things, guys!" the god
of shrooms responded smugly.
"Enjoy it? Never since the Fenris Wolf bit off my hand has something
hurt that much! I think Godzilla over there barely survived!" Tyr replied,
stretching his aching muscles.
Everyone turned to look at Godzilla. While everyone was complaining
about how much they were hurting, they forgot that Godzilla wasn't an
Immortal like the rest. He floated limply, groaning. Sometimes, he would
wheeze instead of groaning. He was bleeding at the mouth.
Godzilla awoke, aware only of his pain at first. A loud, thundering
roar issued from his pained jaw, and Poseidon, who was about to attend to
the lizard found himself momentarily deafened. Seconds later, the rest of
his conciousness returned, and he snarled. The chase must continue.
Seemingly hours of time passed as they tracked and pursued their
hated enemies, stopping only to track the smoke left behind by Barney.
Without the ground to leave footprints, tracking in the Outworld is
difficult, especially when tracking someone who is trying very hard to avoid
being found.
Barney, still clutching tightly at Baby Bop's hand, was flying at a
tremendous speed. He was still aching from Ra's burst of light, and another
encounter wouldn't please him in the slightest. The bizarre scenery of the
Outworld passed in a blur. He knew he was being hunted, and he was very
determined to be difficult prey. Or at least find a spot for an ambush, but
it would have to be under extremely favorable conditions, because he also
knew what kind of opposition he was facing. He then spotted his site, just
short of being too tired to be able to fly at that speed much longer. Now he
could rest and wait.
Ra was acting as a flashlight for the troop, illuminating the dim
Outworld. Suddenly, without the slightest of warning, the smoke trail ended,
and the Immortals and monster had lost their prey.
What they didn't know, was that they went from hunter to hunted in
one brief instant. Barney sprung out, tearing a large gash across Ra's face.
Baby Bop fired a powerful magic spell, striking Ares powerfully. Barney,
seizing another opening, ripped Ares' spear arm, but in doing took a mean
blow from the spear. Poseidon managed to hit Baby Bop with a tidal wave
before being struck by a ball of flame from her hateful mouth, created by a
spell of evil.
Baby Bop, who was now confident in her abilities with magic, began to
open up a devesating spell, one which could potentially kill the entire
group, even though they are Immortal. A ball of negative energy began to form
between her hands, which were held above her head.
Psilocibius, who is considered by most Immortals to be only a
demi-god, and by all as not very tuned in to this reality, was expected to
be nothing but a burden to the party of Immortals. However, were it not for
an inredibly skilled action, the Immortals would be permanently trapped in a
negative universe.
The shroom god moved with startling speed, lunging towards Baby Bop,
and spraying what appeared to be a fine powder from his hands. The powder was
in fact millions upon millions of spores, which Baby Bop inhaled. She began
coughing and wheezing, and then shaking. She then began screaming in utter
terror, causing her to badly mispronounce her spell. The ball of negative
energy fell on her, and she was consumed by the negative energy, never to see
this universe again.
With the banishment of Baby Bop, Barney lost most of his power. He
attempted to make up for it in fury, but the entire fight became futile
after the loss of Baby Bop. Mjolnr struck again and again, and a ball of the
purest light opened up around Barney. The unholy screams were more than
simple agony, they were the dying screams of a soul so evil that it cannot
even be accepted by Hades, for fear of usurping power. Poseidon, hearing the
horrible scream, struck with a tidal wave. Ares thrust his spear many times
into the writhing demon, and Godzilla was breathing his thermo-nuclear
breath into the spirit of a dying wraith. Psilocibius summoned the
Fungipygmies, who stabbed again and again with their cruel daggers and
spears.
And then Barney no longer lived. His soul, pierced and withered and
hammered, imploded, and then, absorbing all of the energy directed into it,
exploded in a wave of terrible evil force. The Immortals were launched back
into their own seperate planes, while Godzilla was launched through all of
the planes, only eventually landing at home. The Fungipygmies were under
Psilocibius' power, and were banished with him. Never again would Barney
taint the Earth.
Aftermath
Thor, absorbing incredible amounts of damage from the explosion,
was forced to remain in Asgard for centuries, while Tyr was only mildly
wounded. Poseidon's body was destroyed, and he is still re-forming himself.
Ares came off in better shape, although he is still bed-ridden and ill.
Ra, being as powerful as he is, was only crippled for a decade or so, and is
still guiding his people. Godzilla, having been part of Barney's death,
regained his title, although he still sits at home healing. Psilocibius'
wounds were all psychic injuries resulting from Barney's screams of death.
He has nearly totally put himself in the Land of Else, although he comes back
on occasions. The Fungipygmies continure life as normal, although they are
now heroes among the mortals.
Baby Bop still wastes away her eternal life in a negative universe,
waiting for anyone - anything else to appear to break the boredom, or perhaps
free her.
Barney's spirit is finally laid rest. May he never return.
-----------------------,
|
GreEEeeeEtzzzz: |_______________________________________
|_
HD: What? You're actually reading some of HOE's work? WOW! |_
Mogel: EEeeeeeek! I wrote something! |_
ASCII Express: When dat new version of CN gonna come out, man? |_
Deadpool: SHROOOOOooooooOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOoooooMMMiEZZZ! |_
Reefer Madness: Just cuzza the handle... |_
Zorro: DAMMIT, I am NOT a 44 year-old homo with a voice changer! |
Abigwar: Poetic Terrorist Rulziez, man! |
Adol Silvaron: Someone's gotta drive me INsAnE, might as well be you! <G> |
|
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Hey! YeR a LaMeR uNlEzZ YoU KaLL The North Pole! |
SysOp: Psycho Santa |
(307)778-2096 |
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SHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIEEEEEZZZZZ!!!
|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|=-=-=-=|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
| Mogel-Land........2157323413 /I'm a PiG\ Paranoia Subnormal.2153395831 |
| Hacker Crackdown..2159451907 |H )\@_@/( P| Stellar Nights.....6108969140 |
| T.E.K.A.T.........9088132738 |o ( (o) ) i| phunkyphatphreashphunkphunk!! |
| I Forget..........6105448001 |G <_O_> G| the NEXT generation |
| /<RaD-/<-/< House.8103480421 |s BuUuRP! s| of stoopid... |
| The Complex.......4107205305 \I'm a PiG/ |
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications and Psycho Santa #31 --> 11/27/94
All rights Reserved.
