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The Hidden Obvious 010
THO #10, BY MABCOSS. He introduces it himself, so I don't see why I
have to write anything here. :)
Chronicles of Pat
Foreword: An Introduction to the Story
Welcome to the 44th Dimension. Rejoice, strangers. You have come
to read the fabled and infamous Chronicles of Pat. Perhaps you shall
realize that there is a Pat in your own neighborhood. Perhaps you are
a Pat. <<Shudder>>.... Well. Please, join us for the story of a lifetime.
I shall see you inside.
The "Chronicles of Pat" was written by two teenagers in 1992-1994.
It started as a humorous note passed in the classroom by yours truly..
but Mr G took it seriously. For one and a half years, we spent entire
minutes at a time writing this series. And now it is available to you,
for your own enjoyment. We ourselves have had many great laughs over
the short story. When you live in Brick Township, New Jersey, like we
do, you *need* a laugh once in a while.
Anyway, here's a list of restrictions for reading this book: One,
people with heart or lung disorders should not read it. You'll laugh
too much. Also, if you *are* a Pat, do not read this book, either. We
don't feel like having our heads nailed to a cactus anymore. I'm out
of Tylenol, anyway.
The story was written mainly under the teachings of Mrs. R.,
but I don't think she even knows about it. Veteran's Memorial Middle
School (the location of many of the evil happenings in this story) is
where we went to school during 7th and 8th grade, and it is where you
will find many of the great landmarks noted on in the story. But please..
don't go there without a gas mask. Pat went to this school, as well.
Well, I don't want to keep you waiting.. Go on and read. Just don't
blame us.
- Mr M
Hi! Mr G here. Mr M didn't want to keep you waiting, but I don't
mind. The book that you are about to experience is an amazing occur-
ence in the world of (il)literacy. The Chronicles of Pat was a fun
story to write, but it is also a very serious thing (to those who
understand it- basically only Mr M and I).
We worked hard on this story. Mr M did a chapter, then I did one,
and so on, so that we could bring you the thrill of your life.
Please, no flash photography. Keep your hands and feet inside the
nuclear reactor as you prepare for: The CHRoNiCLES of PaT!
- Mr G
Chapter I: How It All Began
One stormy day in the park, a mother bear lost her weakling child.
Actually, she left it there on purpose. The bear started to die, but
just then, there was a great acid rain storm, and the bear mutated into
what we now call "Patrick."
Chapter II: The Reacquaintance
The Pat-monster continued to live normally (relatively speaking, of
course) until his mother came back and slashed up his face. He decided
he had to get away. He came to VMMS, and he fit in quite well. Now, his
sixth year in seventh grade, trouble comes upon him, and that was the
start of it all.
Chapter III: The Monarch of Mr M
One day, Pat met a cruel wizard named Mr M. Mr M stole his calc-
ulator, his french fries, and his self-esteem. The Monarch of Mr M had
even used his hypnotizing powers to make Pat *tell* him to take his fries.
Mr M kept bugging Patrick until Patrick nailed his head to a cactus.
Chapter IV: The Origin of Mr G
While Patrick was on a trip to Brazil (to look for a cure to his hid-
eousness), he encountered a supernatural being with incredible power;
possibly the Lord of Evil himself, Satan. Patrick went to a village that
possessed the cure, but abruptly the village was surrounded by flames. Then
a figure dressed in black with dark red blood dripping from its body
appeared. "I am Lord Mephisto, Prince of Evil, Master of Hell," said
the eternal being. "What are you?" stared Patrick in shock. "I am the
essence of eternal evil." From then on, Mr G (as he is mortally known)
became a powerful enemy for the mighty mutant freak that we know as
Patrick. Mr G was able to use his powers to stealthily sneak up on
Pat and take his books, pens, french fries, and calculator.
Chapter V: The Lethal Team Begins
When Mr G met Mighty Mr M, they combined forces to form the most
lethal enemy to Pat since his mother! They attacked from all sides,
stealing all of Pat's possessions, until Pat broke down and fell in a
pool of blood. All thought he was dead, but then the blood slowly
entered Pat's body again and he got up. He was heard to whisper, as he
got up, the words: "Thank you, Mother." He ran away from Mr G amd Mr M
immediately, but this incident did not deter the FT, since
they now knew that they had hope yet: Pat's mother had revived
Patrick's soul, only so that he could feel more pain and suffering.
Chapter VI: Acupuncture & the VYI
Pat had liked his life up until he met the FT. One day, while the
FT was attempting their first acupuncture on Pat, a new being came
along, named VYI. VYI was a vicious thing that infected people's
bodies. Pat could not be directly infected because there was nothing
there where VYI usually infected things. But VYI was a new enemy of
Pat, and so, it set off to find a new way to attack and destroy him.
Meanwhile, the FT was walking to their favorite place to torture Pat:
VMMS.
Chapter VII: HeeKi the Oriental Wizard
While on an archaeology expedition to Poland (Pat's home country),
Pat came across an enchanted vending machine. "I've never seen that
candy bar before, but I'll eat it anyway." Pat put fifty cents in the
machine and pressed the glowing button labeled "Do Not Push." A candy
bar dropped from its rack. Pat picked it up and opened the wrapper.
The candy bar was dripping with ooze and was covered by numerous
insects.
"I knew they had what I wanted!" said Pat with a grin. As Pat
lifted it laborously to his mouth, it exploded into many thousands of
minute pieces, which slowly merged together to form.... HeeKi the
Oriental Wizard!
At first, HeeKi played friends with Pat, but then aided the FT on
many occasions to help them in their war against Pat.
Chapter VIII: Pat meets Dan, the Living Shoe
While eating some neighborhood cannibals, Pat heard a knock at the
door. He got off his highchair and opened the door. There was a giant
shoe standing there. "Hi! I'm Dan the Living Shoe, and I'm a fellow
ugly mutant! Would you like to ally yourself with me?"
"Sure, Dan; I'd love to join you in a team so that we could fight
the FT!"
"That's great," said Dan, "but right now, we have to fight some of
*my* enemies: 'Dave the 10-Ton Ball of Hay' and 'Parker the Bloated
Ghost.'" Pat and Dan went to the Mountain of Rabid Rat, where they saw
two glaciers. Just then, (lucky for their noses) they realized they
were the BT (the Bloated Two)!
Dan leaped and kicked Dave in the butt. Dave fell to the ground,
but didn't stop there.. he left a 10-foot dent in the soil, as well.
Pat then breathed in Parker's face and Parker fell down, unconscious.
The MT (as they finally had decided to call themselves, after the
Mutated Two) then went home and made wild passionate love.
The BT was gone for now, but they'd be back; the MT knew it.
Chapter IX: The Great Battle
"Hiiii--yah! Hi-yah!" were the sounds that came from the FT (now
the Fabulous Three, since HeeKi the Oriental Wizard had joined the
team) HQ that day as HeeKi chopped boards in half, preparing for the
FT's conflict with the MT.
That afternoon, the FT met in front of Pat's outhouse. "Come out
with your tentacles up!" yelled Mr M. As Pat and Dan came out, HeeKi
immediately jump-kicked Pat in the gut. Dan then stepped on HeeKi
(although HeeKi packed a punch, his weakness was that, as he was only
4 millimeters tall, he could not reach much higher than the pelvic area
of any human-related organism), but the kick that Pat received
had triggered a reaction: Pat released a giant burp.
When the FT woke up, they were lying in hospital beds. The first
attack the new FT took against the new MT had ended in defeat and
failure... but there would be others. There was no question about that.
Chapter X: Metamorphosis
"Look, I've told you a million times: Keep your damn toenail
clippings out of my coffee, Pat!"
"I'm sorry, Dan, but if you'd stop shaving your butthairs over my
Frosted Mini-Wheats, we wouldn't have this problem!"
"Ya know, Pat.... You're a big clump of Athlete's Foot!"
"That's IT!" yelled Pat in reply. Pat pulled Dan's (do not forget
that Dan is a living shoe) shoelace and untied it. Dan abruptly fell
into a coma. Pat fell to his knees and began to weep. "What have I
done? What have I done?!"
Chapter XI: Pat's Weakness
There was a knock at the door of FT HeadQuarters. "I'll get it,"
said Mr G. He opened the door. "Pat, what are you doing here?!"
"I know that you have mystical powers, so will you please please
please please pleeease bring my friend Dan out of his coma?"
"Only if you give me your golden blue calculator."
Pat thought about this and then replied, "Would you rather have my
chocolate milk at lunch?" Mr G knew that Pat would rather let Dan die
than give up his Golden Blue Calculator.
"Agreed," replied Mr G. "Now I shall cast my spell! ..Hejo Nethes
Moro; restore Pat's friend, the mighty Living Shoe!" Pat ran out the
door and went home.
Chapter XII: The Crow of Nike
When Pat got home, he searched all over for Dan. He was nowhere to
be found. All of a sudden, Pat heard "Caw!" from the closet. He ran
over there, opened the door, and got pecked in the head 416 times by
Dan, who was now the Crow of Nike. "Can you talk?" Pat asked Dan.
"Caw! Yes!"
"This is great! Now you can fly over enemy territory and spy! And
you can also drop natural fiber missiles!"
"You're sick, Pat."
Chapter XIII: The Second Battle
Later, after the MT had tested out their new ..ahem.. weapon....
the Bloated Two showed up, and they were ready for a new fight. Dan
was trying to figure out whether to peck them to death, or drop
missles, when they charged.
The BT immediately began bouncing, and crushed Dan and Pat like
pancakes. But, with his crowlike powers, Dan had also achieved
immortality. He found a hole in Pat (who knows where), stuck his beak
in, and blew him up.
They were again a team, and went off to whip the BT. First, Dan
popped Parker, and the amazing explosion whacked Pat into his
accomplice, and the entire BT was gone forever. (Simple, wasn't it?)
(Note that Parker was a ghost, and that Dave was a ten-ton ball
of hay. Each could easily find their way back to Patrick.)
Chapter XIV: Reloading Time
Pat and Dan were somewhat discouraged-- they now had no more
playthings. They were all blown up after the Second Battle. There was
an uneasy air about them that told them that destruction was near.
But they would not give up. Pat continued to feed Dan shoelaces and
birdseed, and Dan built up his supply of NFMs, or Natural Fiber
Missiles. Finally, the time came when it was meant for them to decide.
Chapter XV: Pat and Dan Realize the Truth
After a heated argument with Dan about who was the weirder, Pat
sat down and sighed. "You're right, Dan. I'm a geek. A nerd. A slashed
up bear. What can I say?"
"No... You're right. I'M the idiot. I should be put in a birdcage.
You carry on with your life. Watch those Frosted Mini-Wheats.
Seeya around sometime."
"Wait!! ....We're both geeks. Let's surrender to the FT." Dan
agreed.
Chapter XVI: The Confrontation of Ryan Rivarera
"Sh! ..Do you hear that, Dan?"
"I certainly do, Pat. It's your mom calling you."
"No! It's something even worse.. LOOK!"
They peeked in a side window of the FT's castle. And screamed. Then
fainted.
Pat and Dan woke up in their own shack. "I just had THE WEIRDEST
dream."
"Wait'll you hear MINE...."
Chapter XVII: The Beginning of an End
"Destroy it! It's uncontrollable! It could kill us all!" said the
angry scientist.
"It's too late; he's too large!!" screamed another. "And he's
already stolen my collection of PlayGirl magazines!"
"Watch out! He's raving again!! ...Let's get outta here!!"
Chapter XVIII: The Third and Final Battle
"Throw it here, Dan!" said Pat. Pat and Dan were playing their
usual game of throwing a rather large piece of Dan-Crap [<C> 1993].
"What's that smell?!" Dan said limburgerey.
What appeared to be a combination of the Blob, a bearded lady from
the circus, and a two-headed hermaphidite appeared on the scene.
"What the hell are you, you freak?!" Pat said, mindlessly
forgetting that he himself is a freak.
"I am Ryan Rivarera, the product of a cross between a donkey and a
pencil sharpener - a science experiment gone bad, like Doc
Frankenstien's monster or McDonald's Ronald."
"Well, not for long! C'mon, right now, freak!!"
Thus began - and ended - the final downfall of the first Patrick.
Author's Note: Prepare Yourselves, Earthlings!
Wow. We finally finished it. After almost two years, the Chronicles
of Pat is FINISHED. Amazing. Now all I need is for someone to delete
this file. Well, I'm not letting THAT happen. I'll destroy all my
Frosted Mini-Wheats, and keep a set of Dan's shoelaces by the
keyboard.
Oh. You're here. Well, it's about time. ..Anyway, what I wanted to
tell you was that there are STILL MORE PATS out there! (The Pat that
this story centered about is still alive, although not well... He's 14
years old and lives in central New Jersey.)
Be CAREFUL! If you encounter one, don't let him get you anywhere
NEAR a cactus, or his mom's armpits, for that matter.
Report it immediately to us. You may receive a small prize. (Yeah,
like a HeeKi emblem or some crap like that.)
Well, there's really nothing more to say. We hope you liked the
short story... (really lame ending) See you around!
Also, look for our latest work in the near future-- The CHRoNiCLES
of PaT! ][ : The Next Era!
- Your Dedicated Authors
