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The Game Review Issue 02
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³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
| Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Series #2 |
³ Û ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Issue #2 ³
| Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û 11/12/95 |
³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
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Un-Releastic: "I have never played a game I didn't like." -Stew Pid Fewl
Realistic : "FUCK, This game sucks more than all those releases
that aren't working!." -Ionizer
(Please note, The Game Review (c) Ionizer, will be released every SUNDAY, if)
(you miss it, it will also be included in the week's edition of Inquisition.)
SCANTRON QUIZ:
What pisses you off the most about downloading games?
(a) Those fucking overnight aborted downloads.
(b) When they are fucking fake releases.
(c) Finding out it's some EGA old crap.
(d) All of the above!
-If you even had to ANSWER this question, well the solution is here. Upon
POPULAR DEMAND: It's back, it's better then before, and it's got the GAYEST
ascii at the top AND THE BOTTOM!
-Do you live for games? Do you want to play games every second of your life?
Do you find yourself pondering over where there are hidden rooms in doom2
while eating dinner with your family? if so then you need a LIFE, but that's
besides the point.
- * - * - * - * - * -
* - * - * - * - * - *
-NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW N.. "ok shutup and tell us what's new already!"-----
New in the review, will be a section that includes the following; Top Selling
Games and Release Dates for Upcoming Games!
GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES!
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
-Rating scale:
(0-20)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked!
(21-40)/100 = Still crap but slightly better.
(41-50)/100 = Possibly worth downloading.
(51-70)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out.
(71-80)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type.
(81-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download.
(90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download.
100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME!
-Enough of the crap, it's time for the reviews. The format is usually like
this. Name of game, group, # of disks, review, rating.
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THE GAME REVIEW
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=Serious Pinball 2000=
ROR, 1.7 megs. I know I've played these two tables before. Includes
the "rocket" table and the "gravyard" table (Outer space/Scary themes). It's
the outdated pinball type boards of old times. Nothing special, and to add
to it, the Graveyard pinball's sound was fucked up. Decent small pinball if
that's what you're looking for. Oh, did I forgot to mention 2 letters? SW!
RATING: 39/100
=The Nemesis Mission=
Tdujam, 8 disks. Class, can we say "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome"? That's
exactly what you'll get after playing this one for more than 15 minutes. You
are a ship, you roam the little playing area and shoot at asteroids. Speaking
of asteroids, thats exactly what this game is like, except in VGA & for win.
Just have fun banging away at the shift key and blowing up shit until sumtin
good comes out. However 8 disks for this sucker is a bit too much.
RATING: 42/100
=The Jungle Book=
Tdujam (surprise surprise a floppy), 3 disks. If you can get the it
out of your mind that it's a kiddie game, you might be able to find it some-
what enjoyable. It's practically a lot like the Lion King game release about
a year ago. Your that jungle dude, you have to find the dimaonds. You swing
from vines, jump around, kill creatures etc. Nice graphics and assortment of
characters and scenery. Despite the fact that many will look at it and say,
"kiddie crap" it's a very well layed out game, especially for its small size.
PS: Don't be doing something important when you go to play this, b/c the only
way to exit, is that big button on your computer that says "RESET".
RATING: 79/100
=Earthworm Jim=
RPC, 8 disks. Yes it works, but it's just some beta or homemade shit
certainly not final release. It looks homemade, or like a beta. It has no
sound and the graphics fuck up. Although if it had sound, and worked 100% it
would be decent. Since it would be easy to classify games from now on, I'll
refer to this as the Super Mario Gameplay (SMG), where you walk around and
shoot things, and kill other characters.
RATING: 10/100
=Mafia 2=
Don't work. Install.exe just reboots computer.
RATING: NA/100
=Ran Soccer -German-=
I decided to give it a shot, I was able to install my soundcard, and
learn that "Ja is german for yes, and nein is german for no". However the
game didn't load, it just exited with some crap in german.
RATING: NA/100
=Fifa Demo '96=
<Better late then never>. It seems that all too many games are
moving away from the fast action arcade fun to the more sophisticated number
playing games. But I'm happy to report that this is not one of them. The
game is still fun, flows nicely, and has great action. And according to the
menu, it will have modem play. Now if only they would let ME define my keys.
Anyhow, the game looks to be a great hit, however it may be a little to big
for it to be ripped and still enjoyed.
RATING: 82/100
=Stonekeep Playable Demo=
It's not playable if it don't work. The usual CD problems that you
can't solve no matter what you do.
RATING: NA/100
=Stonekeep CD=
Tdujam, and a measly 35 disks. Jesus, by the time this thing was
done loading it was the next day. I would estimate the actual time it takes
from when you type "sk" till the game begins, on a 486/33, to be about 2 min.
My hd spinned more than it has it's entire lifetime. The game is your doom
catacomb atmosphere, with the rpg style fighting and keeping of weapons.
You can't complain about the details and graphics in this one, but for 35
disks it damn well better have good graphics. It's still nothing to get all
hiped up about, as it's just another RPG wasting away 88 megs installed.
RATING: 50/100
=Actua Soccer=
*Before the fix:
Hoodlum <thought they were dead, probably are since...>, 8 disks.
"Can't read data file". Ok that's nice. "Can't play game." "Can't rate
a game you can't play." "Error #634bs482release35 has occured". Get the pt?
RATING: BS/100
*After the fix:
Hoodlum? Back from the dead? Wow, and impressive release too. The
intro was kinda neat, nice sound to it. However the sound seem to be lost
during the game, simply b/c, there was NONE. The game is soccer, but with
those virtua fighter looking characters. The game is also not full screen.
The movement is fine, and the graphics are semi decent. However the camera
angles can get a big annoying, because it forces your movement towards a
destination to change to left or left-right, etc. Overall I think I'm still
a little stunned that it works.
RATING: 66/100
=Gameboy=
You've seen the emulator, you've seen those thousands of packs being
offered, but your just too damn fucking lazy to get it and try it out. Well,
that is the reason you're reading this isn't it? Yes it does work. It is
slow, it has no sound, and it is B&W. There's over 215 games out, thanks to
GWA for the release of them. The games bring back memories, and it's just
kinda neat to be able to say you have 215 gameboy games on your PC.
Gameboy RATING: 51/100 (creativity)
=Jazz Jackrabbit Holiday Hare=
He's back! Jazz Jackrabbit is back in the holiday edition. Sorry,
but he's not going to make Aunt Thelma's turkey taste any better, and he's
not going to take away the humilating clothing your grandma bought you for
christmas/chanukah, but he will provide you with 5 minutes of nonstop, heart
beating, SW action. Nothing different then the orig. cept the scenery.
RATING: 48/100
=Radix, Beyond the Void=
Anothe....heart pound...zzzz..OH sorry, um right, another heart
pounding Epic Megagames. Doom atmosphere in a ship, wow something new <G>.
Annoying soundtrack, and crappy sound effects. Maybe the other two missions
in the reg. version will really kick ass! Pff right, and maybe dragon will
release something in english (j/k guys ya know i love ya). Not much else to
say about this one.
RATING: 41/100
=Tyrian Full Final CD=
RazorCD,3disks.whyAMiTYPINGw/oSPACESyouMAYmayBEasking.Wellthatsb/cim
tiredfromholdingdownthespacebartoplaythisgame.ThisissupposedtobetheFINALFULL
CD,butafterplayingitforawhole5minutesIdontseeanythingdifferentfromtheFINAL
FULLCDIalreadyd/l.I'llquotetherazorcdnfoforthereview:
"Razor CD is proud to present Tyrian full CD from Epic Mega Games,
one of the best verticle scrolling shoot 'em up games ever. The
game delivers heart pounding music, dynamite sound effects, and
unbelievable graphics that will blow you away. Tyrian lets you
challenges friends over modem (2 ppl) or via network."
RATING:50/100
=Fighter Duel=
Tdujam, 3 disks. Damn, I was really hoping to have a fun dog fight.
"TDU-JAM! proudly presents: FIGHTER DUEL from PHILIPS! This is cool
modem play compatible dog-fighting game. Expect yet much more from
TDU-JAM! today..."
Fear a bunch of pitbulls attacking each other. Kick the shit out of some
poodle <G> (No I'm not retarded.) But alas, it needs a crack, for cdemu2 and
subst just won't do the job.
RATING: NA/100
=Destruction Derby=
-Install Notes: Run your cdrom (mscdex) and make sure there is a data cd in
your cdrom drive. The follow the directions in the nfo!
Tdujam, 6 disks. OH MY! This baby was worth the wait, and pain in
the ass installing instructions. It's nascar, but bumper car style! Theres
a special part of the game just meant for you to crash and bash!! This game
has decent sound fx, and a funny announcer, with funny voices. It even has
modem capablities. This is a must download for any racing enthusiast, or
anyone looking for a game that's fun.
RATING: 91/100
=Tang Chi=
Tdujam, 4 disks. First off it worked, that alone deserves a cheer.
The game is sort of like those brain teasers you'd be given in grade school
in project venture or some smartass program. You have to fit the differently
shaped pieces so that they match the shadow'ed puzzle on the right. You are
timed, and you got some nice oriental chinese restaraunt music in the back-
ground. I couldn't get the first puzzle on 3 attempts, but then again it's
1:48am. Overall it could provide some brain teasing fun.
RATING: 67/100
=MPC Battle Chess 100% CD=
Velocity, 7 disks. 100% NOT WORKING! Yet another, cd check problem.
Someone need's to start a revolution of "Game Testing Before Releasing".
RATING: NA/100
=The Elder Scrolls, Chp 2: Daggerfall Demo=
Doom atmoshphere, with that rpg twist. Nice sound effects, and looks
like it will have great characters and options.
RATING: 63/100
=The Dame Was Loaded, Nonplayable Preview=
Wow, it was like watching a full motion movie. I thought I was a
game critic, not Siskel and Ebert. Didn't even look like a game. Full
motion video, and it wasn't just 3 seconds long either. If they make the
entire game like this, it'll only be around 500 CD's. Check out the cleavage
on the `dame'.
RATING: Two thumbs up
=Quake Fake=
Someone actually had to make an effort to put this one together.
What it does: Loads that beginning screen with all those init's and crap that
you know from doom/doom2, then after that's done, it shows a little disk in
the bottom right flickering as if it were loading. Then it splatters some
crap colors and reboots your computer. No harm or viruses noticed in it, at
least I hope not.
RATING: fake/100
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TOP 5 SELLERS
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ENTERTAINMENT
1. Mortal Kombat 3 CD-ROM
2. Command and Conquer CD-ROM
3. Stonekeep Demo CD-ROM
4. Ascendancy CD-ROM
5. Phantasmagoria CD-ROM
EDUTAINMENT
1. Winnie the Pooh storybook CD-ROM 2. Dr. Seuss Windows CD-ROM
2. Dr. Seuss Windows CD-ROM
3. Orgeon Trail II CD-ROM
4. Puut Putt Saves the Zoo CD-ROM
5. SAT version2 MPC CD-ROM
PRODUCTIVITY
1. SoftRAM for Windows 95
2. Windows 95 CD-ROM
3. Microsoft Encarta 1996 - Windows 95 CD-ROM
4. Win 95 & SimCity 2000 CD-ROM bundle
5. MS-PLUS for Win 95
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UPCOMING RELEASE DATES
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=Windows CD=
3-D Table Sports 11/09/95
Allied General 11/20/95
Bttlgrnd:Gettysbrg 11/15/95
Chessmates 01/01/96
CivNet 11/20/95
Congo 11/10/95
Dinotopia 11/15/95
Dragon Dice 01/01/96
Empire II 12/01/95
FPS:Football 96 11/17/95
FRANKENSTEIN 11/03/95
Gabriel Knight 2 11/30/95
Hoyles Classics 11/10/95
Last Dynasty 10/31/95
Police Quest 5 SWAT 11/20/95
Romance IV 12/01/95
Shivers 11/15/95
Spr Bubsy/WIN95 02/01/96
T-Mek 11/15/95
This Means War 12/07/95
Timon&Pumba 11/13/95
Torin's Passage 11/16/95
=Windows 95 CD=
Doom II 12/08/95
Full Tilt 11/16/95
Knight Moves 11/10/95
Shockwave 12/06/95
Solitaire DLX 12/04/95
The Hive 11/03/95
Thextor 2 11/07/95
Ult Doom: Flesh 12/15/95
Warhammer 11/13/95
=Windows Diskette=
Spaceward Ho! 12/06/95
=Dos CD=
***11th Hour Demo 11/25/95
***CYBERJUDAS 11/10/95
***Doom 2 Ex Lvls 01/01/96
***Grand Prix 2 11/30/95
***HARVESTER 11/10/95
***JET FIGHTER III 01/01/96
***MAGIC/GATHERING 03/01/96
***Rebel Assault II 11/21/95
***Shannara 11/17/95
***THE 11TH HOUR 11/24/95
***THE DIG 11/21/95
Braindead 13 11/17/95
Chronomaster 11/13/95
Clayfighter 2 01/01/96
Colonization Gold 04/01/96
Fighter Duel 11/03/95
Flying Tigers 11/10/95
Maximum Roadkill 01/01/96
MetalLords 11/20/95
Mile High Club II 01/01/96
Red Ghost 11/15/95
Ripper 11/22/95
Screamer 11/15/95
Sensory Overload 01/01/96
Shadows Over Riva 02/01/96
Visions/Glory 11/15/95
War Patrol 01/01/96
Warcraft II 11/20/95
Warhammer 12/01/95
Wing Commander 4 12/22/95
Wooden Ships&Iron Men 11/26/95
X-Car:Exp Racing 12/01/95
Zone Raiders 11/15/95
Silent Hunter 12/15/95
Space Hulk 2 12/01/95
Spr Strt Fighter 11/13/95
Star Control 3 12/01/95
Star Rangers 11/13/95
Starship 02/01/96
Stonekeep 11/06/95
Str Trk Jdgmnt Rts 10/31/95
Term:Future Shock 12/01/95
The Dig 11/21/95
Third Reich 05/01/96
Unnecsry Rghns 96 11/22/95
V for Victory 11/01/95
Virt Pool Bndl 11/06/95
Mortimer 01/01/96
Navy Strike 11/15/95
NBA Jam TE 11/15/95
NBA Live 96 01/01/96
Nemesis 03/01/96
Net Racer 01/01/96
NFL Football/Aikman 12/12/95
Nicklaus@Muirfield 12/11/95
Northlands 12/01/95
Old Time Basebll 11/17/95
Pax Imperia 01/15/96
Pinball Classics 12/01/95
Pro Pinball:Web 11/24/95
Pro Pinball:Web 11/24/95
Promised Land 02/01/96
Psychc Detcv 12/22/95
Gangster Coll 11/15/95
Ganster Bundle 11/15/95
Gretzky NHLPA 11/14/95
H! Zone 11/15/95
Hyper 3-D Pinball 12/01/95
Ice & Fire 11/10/95
IndyCar II 11/15/95
Island Casino 11/22/95
Jack The Ripper 11/20/95
Jagged H2H 03/01/96
Jet Ski Rage 11/30/95
Jetfighter III 01/01/96
Klingon 11/15/95
Konquest 03/01/96
Lion King ActvtyCtr 11/01/95
Locus 11/15/95
Lost Admiral II 11/15/95
Conquest/New World 02/01/96
Corporate Colonies 01/01/96
Crystal Skull 03/18/96
Cyber Judas 11/10/95
Cyberia 2 01/15/96
Cybermage 12/11/95
Daggerfall 01/01/96
Dawn Patrol 11/15/95
Descent Levels 11/10/95
Descent SHWR 11/10/95
Dragon's Lair II 03/01/96
Druid 11/17/95
Empire Builder 12/01/95
Escalation 11/20/95
***Tie Fighter CD 12/04/95
***Top Gun 11/27/95
***Toy Story 01/01/96
3D Action Pack 12/15/95
Absolute Zero 11/17/95
Adams Pinball 12/01/95
Adv Civilization 11/20/95
Adv Tactical Fighters 12/01/95
AH-64D Longbow 12/01/95
Anvil of Dawn 11/15/95
Atmosfear 01/10/96
Aweful Green Things 12/10/95
Battlcrsr 3000 11/20/95
Battles in Time 11/15/95
=Dos Diskette=
***Doom 2 Xtra Lvl 01/01/96
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CLOSING
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-Please note, due to my refusal to install that crap you know as Win95, I am
of course not able to review win95 games.
-That's it for this week, hope it was of help.
-Ionizer (INQ. Game Reviewer/MALiCE Senior Courier)
Comments/Complaints send to ionizer@cw.bridge.net (NO QUESTIONS OR REQUESTS!)
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³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
| Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û |
³ Û ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
| Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û |
³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ ³
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