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The Game Review Issue 04
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$$. $ ,$$ $ $$ $ $ $$. $ ,$$. $ ,$$ 11/26/95
`$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$&@%o%@&hd'
Un-Releastic: "I have never played a game I didn't like." -Stu Pid Fewl
Realistic : "This game sucks more than my Aunt's turkey on thanksgiving!"
-Ionizer
("Where and when can I get The Game Review?" The Game Review (c) Ionizer,)
(will be released every SUNDAY, in IRC, in #warez5 and other channels and)
(can be obtained by /m iondcc xdcc list or /m ionizer xdcc list on Sunday)
(This magazine is also released in the magazine Inquisition)
-Do you live for games? Do you want to play games every second of your life?
Do you find yourself picturing Virtual Valerie 2 in your head while having
sex with your wife, g/f, or b/f?, if so then you need a LIFE, but that's
besides the point...
- * - * - * - * - * -
* - * - * - * - * - *
GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES!
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
-Rating scale:
(0-19)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked!
(20-39)/100 = Still crap but slightly better.
(40-49)/100 = Possibly worth downloading.
(50-69)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out.
(70-79)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type.
(80-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download.
(90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download.
100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME!
-It's time for the reviews. The format is like this:
Name of game, group, # of disks, review, rating.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-<*><*> THE GAME REVIEW <*><*>-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=Star Rangers=
Razorcd, 30 disks. What a fucking waste of time. Lame ass flight
simulator with shitty "star" type background. Total waste of time, even if
you do like flight simulators. Plus you need a joystick if you want to play.
RATING: 37/100
=Street Rod=
This game is old as hell, but since some of you probably saw it and
are wondering what it is, I'll tell you...ITS A FUCKING PILE OF CRAP! Let's
examine the positives; (1) The ever so lovely fucking music playing out my
high-tech pc speaker (2) The wide variety of graphics to choose from, EGA,
CGA, and WOW, they have that new graphic mode, what's it called, oh right,
VGA! (3) It's so old, my friend who doesn't know shit about warez or games,
got it three years ago, and even he thought it was outdated. To put in
#warez terms it wouldn't be worth downloading if it were 10 bytes.
RATING: 2/100
=Pocahontas=
Hell!, 9 disks. Looks like someone is trying to make some money off
of the disney character. This looks to be a wanna-be Pocahontas. The game
is pathetic, and nothing like The Lion King or The Jungle Book was. It's
still that scrolling adventure, but it requires more thought and strategy.
I can't picture little 8 year olds playing it though.
RATING: 44/100
=The DoonesBury Election Game <Campaign '96>=
RoR, 20 disks. I quote "...arj x -y -v, then just run election.exe,
not setup!!!" (ROR95.NFO) Ok I did exactly that and it was missing a file,
so i went to install it, and you can't do that either.
RATING: NA/100
=Anvil of Dawn= (Review courtesy of Woody)
Tdujam, 30 disks. This is my favorite type of game. RPG/Adventure
style, like Lands of Lore and Might and Magic. When I first started playing
this game, I thought it was great. I went and found an old wizard who taught
me some spells, and then I was searching the castle. I decided I'd talk to
some people to find out where to go. Oops! It froze up on me. I talked to
everyone in that area I could find, and had to reboot everytime. I deleted
the game and reinstalled it, same results. People told me the game worked
fine for them, but i think it was because they didn't go far enough. In the
beginning you can talk to everyone and the game works perfectly. Until you
go into the dungeons of the castle then the game will freeze when you talk
to anyone. This game would be great if it worked properly, but it doesn't.
RATING: 82/100 (If it worked right.)
=CivNet= (Review courtesy of Woody)
RazorCD, 22 disks. If you're a fan of the original Civilization,
you'll really like this one. Just like Civilization except it's for Windows
only and they're more options in the game, as well as modem and internet
play. The bad thing about this game is that the music is probably cool, but
I guess it had to be ripped out because of the size. In this game you choose
what year you want to begin in, you can create your own planet, and choose to
become different civilizations (i.e. Romans, Babylonians, etc.). So, it's a
pretty good game but if you don't like Civilization, not worth the download
time.
RATING: 65/100
=IndyCar Racing 2=
RazorCD, 13 disks. More tracks, more features, more of everything
you liked or didn't like in Indy Car. It's still more on the ugly graphics
style, but it does have some nice scenery, although it's far from Screamer
type scenery. It does have modem play and thousands of features you'll never
even use. It's not the best racing game, but it's decent for someone looking
for an easy to use racing game. Hint: Don't try to race your car with only
3 wheels, it really sucks! (take it from me <G>).
RATING: 62/100
=EF 2000=
Tdujam, 27 disks. MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We have no picture!! I have a
normal Trident SVGA card, but the diagnostic thingi only worked on the first
picture thing they test, so therefore the game never showed me a picture. So
in all attempts to give you an idea of the game, I once again turn to the
group's nfo:
"TDU-JAM! proudly presents: EF 2000 from OCEAN. EF2000 is
NATO's answer to the future of air combat, slated for
commission at decade's end. Real-world flight-dynamics,
avionics and authentic missions simply add to the rush of the
fastest, most realistic flight sim ever developed." <TDU-JAM!.NFO>
RATING: NA/100
=PBA Bowling=
Tdujam, 7 disks. Talk about fucked up releases and others fucking it
up more. (1) The game needs a cd-rom, and there is no crack for it. (2)
Hybrid must not have read the tdu-jam!.nfo b/c they released the same pba.exe
that you are supposed to copy over from the orig. dir the game was unarj to.
Anyway, when it comes down to it all, even after I loaded my cd-rom, the game
still gave Win32s some lame ass error. So chalk up another fuck up!
RATING: NA/100
=Disciples of Steel=
Masque, 6 disks. A few words come to mind, lollypop, blowjob, and
school. Why? Because they are all things that involve the word SUCK! That's
exactly what this game does, suck. Wannabe RPG, with that stupid human/elve/
dork/midget, etc pick a character type play.
RATING: 12/100
=Great Naval Battles 4=
Tdujam, 6 disks. Yuck, this game involves more thinking then should
be legally allowed by law, and still be called a game. It's a typically SSI
strategy game, too much thinking, not enough fun. Pretty boring, unless your
the loser type who likes to dwell on his games for an hour before making his
next move. (I believe it's those same types who like chess and have big fat
thick glasses, and their pants up to their neck). I mean the game barely has
any graphics at all accept a lame picture of a boat at the bottom, the rest
is all numbers and charts.
RATING: 29/100
=Locus (Dos)=
Tdujam, 29 disks. It would be unfair to this game for me to really
give it an honest rating, b/c this game really demands a pentium/133mhz. At
least that's what it looks like after playing it on a 486/33. It looks like
it could be a really cool game, but due to the fact that it's jaggedy and I
don't know the controls, it's hard to judge. It's supposed to be a 3D
virtual reality arena where you fight against some other guys and try and
blow up each other. It can be played over a network too, but I don't know
many ppl who have 9 <as the nfo suggests> pentium/133's ready to play this.
RATINGS: On a 486/33: Un-playable
Forecasted on a pentium/133: 85/100
=The Dig=
Ror, 13 disks. I followed the install.txt, didn't work. Although I
can still tell you what the game is from the demo. Typical point and click
adventure game. An attempt to have sarcastic humor is made, `and it's really
good'.....pfff hahaha no it's not, it's corny humor, but still a pretty good
adventure game. You have 3 characters, but you really only control one of
them, not sure if the whole game is like this.
RATING: 72/100 (If it worked)
=WWF Wrestlemania Arcade= *(Please Also See Game of the Week)*
Razor, 8 disks. (Hybrid also, but Razor one is working the way it is
no need for any fixes). WOW! Talk about action packed fighting!!! This is
a MUST GET! It's your wrestling sort of combined with Mortal Kombat. This
game has it all (accept modem playablity :( ). Non-stop ass-kicking, feet
pounding, punch bag'n, jumping off the ropes, throwing the man out of the
ring, fun! Characters even have fatalaties, only confirmed one so far is the
undertaker, but it is not proven that this is for the pc, may just be for the
arcade version. The game still rocks.
RATING: 96/100
=NBA Jam TE=
Hybrid, 6 disks. This is supposed to be the "REAL" Final, but it
seems more fucked up then the other one. Soon as the NBA Jam logo and menu
come up, if i try to move it makes a sound, then forces my computer to make
an infinite number of irritating beeps (and yes i have my soundcard set up
right for the game).
RATING: NA/100
=Seek and Destroy (Final Beta)=
RoR, 4 disks. Neat little 4 disk'er, similar to desert storm, but
not so detailed. You can be a tank, plane and something else (I think) that
skips my mind on this saturday morning at 4:46am. Your given missions,
usually to pick up people and to get in and out of the area alive. Nice
little game to keep someone busy with.
-Playing help: Screw what the nfo says, just type this exactly as it is
written (including all caps): SEEK SEEK AYEOS
RATING: 60/100
=Micro Machines 2 Special Edition=
BEFORE: RazorCD, 9 disks. It's such a special edition, that you're not
allowed to play it! Yet another release that doesn't work no matter what you
do. The nfo says if you don't install to drive C to edit a file config.bin,
which is nice, since there is absolutely no files named config.bin. There
are two files named control.bin, which include a line "Do not edit this or
your computer will be destroyed (probably)". But being the enthusiast of
games, I ignored it, edited it anyway and it still didn't work. So I made
the effort to put it on drive C, and yet it STILL didn't work.
AFTER: Ok, after finding out that you need to type "arj x -y -v mm2.arj C:\"
let it do its thing and then you have to run it from C:\mm2\sound and then
you run C:\mm2\mm2 and it should work. Why you have to do this is beyond me
because I don't know of many shrink wrapped games that require installing to
more than one dir and including your C:\ dir, but anyway. Not much different
from the Reg one except a lot more options and race tracks. Personally I
find the game hard b/c the cars go to fast for the tracks and you cant make
quick enough turns to not fall off half the tracks. For those who don't
know what it is, it's little miniature cars racing on `desktop' type scenery.
RATING: 73/100
=Chess Kids=
RazorCD, 4 disks. Windows chess game with children characters inst-
ead of knights and kings. One side is preppy, and the other side are the bad
bullys. Some bitch in a park ranger outfits keeps coming out and saying,
"That move might cost you later.", "Watch out your king is in trouble!", but
that's ok cause I don't know how to play chess anyway. A good chess game for
your kids if you want them to grow up and become losers who get made fun of
at school and who end up living a life in a closet with a bunch of books, BUT
other than that it's a really good chess game! <G>.
RATING: 66/100
=Bud Tucker in Double Trouble Preview=
Adventure, funny looking characters, looks comical.
=Pango Playable Demo=
Tetris, with obstacles and scenery and a huge ass board.
=Tensor Playable Demo=
I don't know how the fuck to describe this, I still don't know what
the fuck it was I was doing. Just click on a space and stuff moved to it and
you get like points and stuff.
=Sensible Soccer MultiLang.=
Energy, 3 disks. Joy, If I pick english, then I want fucking english
not russian or slovakian or whatever the fuck it keeps giving me. And damnit
you'd think games would have exit commands/keys by now.
RATING: NA/100
=Skunny FullCD=
Energy, 7 disks. Not bad at all. It's a sonic wannabe, but it's
not too far off. Lots of 3D looking figures, moving background, hidden stuff
and anything else you could think of. If your the sega/snes type who looks
for those types of games for the pc, try this one.
RATING: 64/100
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>GAME OF THE WEEK<*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Without a doubt, our game of the week is WWF WRESTLEMANIA ARCADE. For years
the game scene has missed a REAL wrestling game, but the wait is over! This
wrestling game is action packed, spectacular life-sized-based figures, each
with their own individual moves. A must get for anyone who would love to get
their adrenaline flowing. The game is easy to beat, but you can adjust it to
make it harder and you can always get your little sister or brother to beat
the shit out of in 2 player mode.
For a FAQ including all known moves and other assortments of gooides, go to:
http://www.cs.indiana.edu/hyplan/bodom/wwf.faq (most recent updated faq)
http://cs.sau.edu/~mkruse/wwf/
http://ic.net/~cyu/
ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/vi/vidgames/faqs/wwfwrest.txt
ftp://brawl.mindlink.net/pub/vidgames/faqs/wwfwrest.txt
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>TOP 5 BEST SELLERS<*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENTERTAINMENT
1. Hexen - Heretic 2 CD-ROM
2. Stonekeep Demo CD-ROM
3. Command and Conquer CD-ROM
4. Ascendancy CD-ROM
5. Rise of the Robots
EDUTAINMENT
1. Winnie the Pooh storybook CD-ROM
2. Dr. Seuss Windows CD-ROM
3. Orgeon Trail II CD-ROM
4. Puut Putt Saves the Zoo CD-ROM
5. SAT version2 MPC CD-ROM
PRODUCTIVITY
1. SoftRAM for Windows 95
2. Windows 95 CD-ROM
3. Microsoft Encarta 1996 - Windows 95 CD-ROM
4. Win 95 & SimCity 2000 CD-ROM bundle
5. MS-PLUS for Win 95
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>UPCOMING RELEASE DATES<*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
WINDOWS CD
Bttlgrnd:Gettysbrg 11/29/95
Chessmates 01/01/96
CivNet 11/20/95
Congo 11/22/95
Darkseed 2 11/20/95
Dinotopia 12/11/95
Dragon Dice 01/01/96
Empire II 02/01/96
FPS:Football 96 11/30/95
Gabriel Knight 2 12/18/95
Load Runner Ntwrk 12/04/95
McKenzie & Co 11/20/95
Police Quest 5 SWAT 12/04/95
Romance IV 12/12/95
Space Bucks 01/10/96
Spr Bubsy/WIN95 02/01/96
T-Mek 01/09/96
This Means War 12/07/95
Tommy 03/04/96
Torin's Passage 11/20/95
WINDOWS 95 CD
Allied General 11/29/95
Civilization 2000 03/01/96
Commodore64 15pk 11/27/95
Cyberspeed 11/24/95
Daedalus Encounter 12/12/95
Doom II 12/08/95
Magic Illusions 11/20/95
Shockwave 12/07/95
Solitaire DLX 12/04/95
St Trk Generations 03/01/96
Ult Doom: Flesh 12/08/95
Warhmmr:Horned Rat 11/29/95
WINDOWS 95 3.5
Ult Doom: Flesh 12/08/95
WINDOWS 3.5
Spaceward Ho! 12/06/95
MACINTOSH CD
Aikman Football 02/01/96
Allied General 12/10/95
Atmofear 01/10/96
Chessmates 01/01/96
Conquest/New World 04/24/96
Daggerfall 01/01/96
Descent 11/21/95
Empire II 02/01/96
Heroes M&M 02/01/96
Mad Dog II 12/15/95
Outpost 12/18/95
Phantasmagoria 12/11/95
Rebel Assault 2 12/13/95
Ripper 02/01/96
Skins/Bighorn 02/01/96
Star Trek:tNG 12/11/95
Ult Doom 12/01/95
X-Wing Collector 12/13/95
MACINTOSH 3.5
Ult Doom 12/01/95
MACINTOSH & WINDOWS CD
Wizardry Gold 01/15/96
DOS CD
3D Action Pack 12/01/95
Adams Pinball 02/01/96
AH-64D Longbow 01/01/96
Anvil of Dawn 11/16/95
Arcade Classics 12/01/95
Atmosfear 01/10/96
Battlcrsr 3000 12/08/95
Battles in Time 11/24/95
Bioforge + 12/19/95
BRAIN DEAD 13 11/21/95
Braindead 13 11/21/95
Chronomaster 02/07/96
Clayfighter 2 01/01/96
Colonization Gold 04/01/96
Conquest/New World 04/24/96
Corporate Colonies 01/01/96
Crystal Skull 03/18/96
Cyberia 2 01/15/96
Cyberjudas 11/30/95
Cybermage 12/11/95
Daggerfall 01/01/96
Dawn Patrol 11/27/95
Descent 2 03/13/96
Descent Levels 11/17/95
Descent SHWR 02/01/96
Desktop Toys 11/20/95
Dragon's Lair II 03/01/96
Escalation 11/22/95
Extreme Pinball 12/08/95
Fifa Soccer 96 11/21/95
Gangster Coll 12/04/95
Ganster Bundle 12/04/95
Grand Prix 2 01/15/96
Grand Prix Mgr 12/07/95
Gretzky NHLPA 11/28/95
H! Zone 12/08/95
HARVESTER 12/10/95
Hyper 3-D Pinball 12/04/95
Ice & Fire 11/20/95
IndyCar II 11/20/95
Island Casino 11/20/95
Jack The Ripper 11/20/95
Jagged H2H 03/01/96
JET FIGHTER III 01/01/96
Jet Ski Rage 11/30/95
Jetfighter III 01/01/96
Klingon 04/01/96
Konquest 03/01/96
Kyrandia Trilogy 11/21/95
Locus 11/20/95
Lost Admiral II 12/01/95
Madden NFL 96 12/10/95
MAGIC/GATHERING 03/01/96
Master of Antares 03/01/96
Mastr Lvls Doom 12/08/95
Maximum Roadkill 02/15/96
Mech Expnsn Pck 11/20/95
MetalLords 02/01/96
Might & Magic Trilogy 11/27/95
Mile High Club II 01/01/96
Mortimer 01/10/96
Navy Strike 11/22/95
NBA Jam TE 11/20/95
NBA Live 96 01/01/96
Nemesis 03/01/96
Net Mech 12/04/95
NFL Football/Aikman 01/10/96
Nicklaus@Muirfield 02/06/96
Northlands 03/01/96
Pax Imperia 01/15/96
Pinball Classics 02/01/96
Pro Pinball:Web 12/08/95
Promised Land 02/01/96
Psychc Detcv 12/18/95
Raven Project 11/20/95
RBI '96 03/05/96
Rebel Assault II 11/20/95
Red Ghost 11/27/95
Ripper 02/01/96
Screamer 11/28/95
Sensible Soccer 01/10/96
Sensory Overload 02/01/96
Shadows Over Riva 02/01/96
Shannara 11/27/95
Silent Hunter 12/15/95
Space Hulk 2 01/10/96
Spr Strt Fighter 11/20/95
St Trk Judement Rites 01/01/96
Star Control 3 02/06/96
Star Rangers 11/20/95
Starship 02/01/96
Term:Future Shock 12/10/95
The 11TH HOUR 11/27/95
The Dig 11/20/95
Third Reich 05/01/96
Tie Fighter CD 12/04/95
Top Gun 12/11/95
Toy Story 01/01/96
Unnecsry Rghns 96 11/22/95
Virtual Karts 11/21/95
Vision of Glory 01/01/96
Visions/Glory 03/01/96 -----------------=
Warcraft II 11/28/95 <------- PAY ATTENTION!!!!=
Warhammer:Dark Crs 12/11/95 -----------------=
Whiplash 02/07/96
Wing Commander 4 12/19/95
Wolfenstein 3D 12/04/95
Wooden Ships&Iron Men 01/01/96
X-Car:Exp Racing 12/01/95
Zone Raiders 11/28/95
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>CORRECTIONS<*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Druids: I never said this game does not work, I said it did not work for me.
If you would like a "decent" review of it, check out the "CORE" rev-
iew of it, which includes 3 snap shots. The game looks like some-
what like crusader from the pics, but not as good.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO<*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS MAGAZINE IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER, CONDOLES THE PIRATING, STEALING, OR ANY
OTHER ILLEGAL MEANS OF OBTAINING SOFTWARE. I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBILE FOR
YOUR ACTIONS AS A RESULT OF READING THIS MAGAZINE, NOR HAVE I DONE ANYTHING
ILLEGAL TO OBTAIN THE REVIEWED GAMES. IF YOU LIKE THE REVIEW OF A GAME THEN
BY ALL MEANS PURCHASE IT LEGALLY AND SUPPORT THE SOFTWARE COMPANY.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>CLOSING<*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-ANY AND ALL MAGAZINE GROUPS HAVE PERMISSION TO USE THIS IN THEIR
MAGAZINE, AS LONG AS IT HAS NOT BEEN EDITED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM
-I was, for a period of time, w/o an account so I missed a few things, but I
got someone to help me out in reviewing them. I now have an account and all
is well, and I hope to be bringing you reviews on all games released.
-Federal Law prohibits editing and dispensing or something. You may not edit
this file and spread it w/o the expressed written consent of The New York
Yank.. oh snap, anyway the point is: Feel free to spread this wherever as
long as I don't get in trouble for it, and as long as it has not been edited.
-Please note, due to my refusal to install that crap you know as Win95, I am
of course not able to review any win95 games.
-That's it for this week, hope it was of help.
-Ionizer (Game Reviewer/MALiCE Senior Courier)
Comments/Complaints send to ionizer@ns2.clever.net (NO QUESTIONS OR REQUESTS)
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`$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$hd'
