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Tcahr Issue 41
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"To aid in the incubation, breeding, and release of butterflies in Asia."
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Vol. 02, Iss. 17 Comedia! Comedia! Comedia!
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My darling e-zine readers, I've been ignoring you lately. I know you think
I've been marking time with my journal and left my e-zine all alone. Don't get
the wrong idea, my journal means nothing to me. It's all about you who love me
for my ASCII.
Daddy Jag been busy making ends meet at the Evil Memetic Empire, but he's got
time for you now. How can I make it up to you and show you that you're
special to me?
It's a silly question, I know. Only my textfiles can make you truly happy.
From time to time, I attempt to write comedy for a certain Latino-based comedy
troupe in Chicago. (Even an evil dictator needs a hobby.) I say attempt
because even though they find me hilarious and call me one of their writers,
they rarely perform my work. The four skits below have been sitting on the
shelf for one to two years. I figure it's safe to share since I don't believe
they'll ever be seen by the Chicago theater-going community. Hopefully the
jokes will translate. Enjoy, I'll see you next month, mi amor.
The Jaguar
TCAHR CEO
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Accent in Da Bottle
Cast: Narrator: commercial pitchman
Before Guy (BG): hopeless nerdy white-boy
After Guy (AG): odd mix of slick and geek
2 female Groupies: loud and bosterious
BG on stage right front; AG on stage left front. The groupies walk in from
stage right.
BG: (waves) Hello.
Ignoring BG, groupies walk off toward stage left. AG whispers something to
groupies. Groupies giggle and then are all over AG.
Narrator: (In a light Latino accent) Has this ever happened to you? Is it his
money?
BG looks at AG. AG turns his empty pockets inside-out. BG looks back to
audience and shakes head "no".
Narrator: Is it his style?
BG looks at AG, who sneezes and then wipes his nose on his sleeve. BG looks
toward audience and furiously shakes his head "no".
Narrator: What could it be?
BG looks at AG. AG looks at BG.
AG: (heavy accent) I dunt NO eit-HER, meen!
Narrator: (accent becoming more robust) Jez! De manly Latino axe-cent that
comes from using Axe-cent-in-de-bottle!
Axe-cent-in-de-bottle is made from tobacco an Coqui extracts
specially prepared under de full moon by old brujahs chanting Taino
and Aztec incantations! Guaranteed to r-r-roughening up your Anglo
vocal cords, changing you from this...
BG: (waves) Hello again.
BG drinks from a bottle.
Narrator: to THIS!
BG: H-r-r-rello, bay-BE!
One groupie runs to BG screaming.
Groupie: Ai! What a ma-CHO meen!
BG: (showing bottle) Now in or-r-riginal Barcardi flavor...
AG: (pulling bottle from behind his back) And in new Cor-r-rona!
Narrator: Axe-cent-in-de-bottle...when you want to Axe-centuate de positive!
-Lights Out-
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Latin Lightning
Cast: Narrator: 1940s style radio narrator
Latin Lightning: The Mexican Superman
Victim: old crotchy racist
Superman: The Man of Steel
Latin Lightning stands mid-stage; arms akimbo, smiling and looking heroic.
Narrator: Born on a distant planet long gone. Sent to Earth on a rocket ship
where the yellow sun granted him super-powers. By day, he is mild-
mannered dish-washer Pedro Echeverria. By night, he tries to fight a
never-ending battle against ignorance and crime as...
(in a booming voice) LATIN LIGHTNING!
Latin Lightning flies offstage.
Narrator: Our story begins...
A gunshot follow by a scream. The victim stumbles onstage clutching his chest.
Victim: Superman, help!
Latin Lightning: (bursts onto the scene and rushes to Victim's aide) Don't
worry, I'm here to help. What's going on? Victim: You've got
to stop him! He's gone power-mad! Only you can stop him,
Super...
Victim turns head and gets a good look at Latin Lightning.
Victim: Damn it! First I get my ass kicked, now I'm getting mugged! Here! Take
my wallet! Don't hurt me!
Latin Lightning: I don't want your wallet! I'm Latin Lighting!
Victim: I don't care about your gang name Pay-dro!
Latin Lightning: (in shock) How have you discovered my secret identity?
Victim: All of you are named Pay-dro! Get outta here! I want Superman!
Latin Lightning: (angry) I can do anything Superman can do! We're both
Kryptonians!
Victim: Don't lie to me!
Latin Lightning: Alright, alright...I'm from East Krypton.
Victim: Great! Another illegal alien!
Latin Lightning: You're bleeding! Let me at least fly you to a hospital.
Victim: Oh no you don't! You're not going to fly me to some barrio witch-
doctor! Help, Superman, help!
Latin Lightning: That's it!
Latin Lighting begins to storms off-stage. Superman flies in as victim throws
wallet at Latin Lightning.
Victim: Yeah, get the hell outta here, Pay-dro! Superman, thank god you're
here!
Superman: What happened here?
Victim: (bawling) That spic tried to take my wallet, then left me to die!
-Lights Out-
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White Man's Heaven
Cast: Agueybana: The arrogant leader of the Taino Village
Colibricaona: Outspoken member of the tribe who despises Agueybana
Taino Two: Male tribe member
Taino Three: Male tribe member
The stage lights are out.
SOUND OF GAVEL STRIKING DESK
Voice: The Taino Yucayeke Union 295 is called to order. Cacike Agueybana
presiding.
Stage lights come up. Agueybana is standing at a podium facing the audience.
A row of chairs with their backs to the audience are in front of him. In these
chairs are seated three male Tainos including Colibricaona. Alternately, these
Tainos can be seated in the audience itself.
Agueybana: Taino-Ti!
Tainos: Taino-Ti!
Agueybana: Okay, lets get down to business. I know things have been kind of
rough since the Guamikena got here, but Bajari Juan Ponce de Leon
has given me a few suggestions that will make things a lot better
for all of us in the long run.
There is grumbling among the Tainos.
Agueybana: No, wait! This is great! Really!
Seeing that Juan and his friends are only guests on Boriquen to save
our miserable pagan souls in the name of Jesus Cristo, (making the
sign of the cross) I think we should at least consider changing a
few things around here to show them were really trying. Right?
Right?
Okay then. Number one, we need to change our 4 hours a day
schedule to 60 hours a week. Maybe more.
Louder grumbling from the Tainos.
We get Sundays off! A whole day after church, of course. Perhaps a
little yardwork afterwards just to keep things tidy, but after that
the whole day off!
(quickly changing the subject) Moving right along, we need to limit
the use of Uicu, Tabacu, Chicha, Mabi, and Cohoba.
Colibricaona (in shock): Aneke?!?!
Agueybana: (in a patronizing tone) Wua, Wua! The floor has not recognized
brother Colibricaona.
Colibricaona: Iguana-shit! After working in the mines and fields for 60 hours
a week, I think Im going to need as many nice, cold chichas and
tabacu cigars with my inaru as I want!
Agueybana: Ah, yes. The inaru. Bajari Juan Ponce de Leon has one more
slight request about the Inaru. Now this isnt my idea or Juans
idea. We dont like it anymore than youre going to! Its the
priests of the Guamikena, you see. They feel that all the inaru
should... (mumbling)
Taino Two (upset): Speak up, buticaco!
Agueybana: They feel that the inaru should cover their breasts.
A beat of dead silence. The Tainos start cursing in English with a few Taino
curse words (i.e. buticaco, jeiticacu, sanaco) throw in.
Taino Three: (yelling louder than others) Guazabara!
Agueybana: Yacayeke guay! Guay! I said guay, damn it! Shame on you for
calling for a war. The Spaniards only want to help us to help
ourselves.
(voice going wistful) If we change these little things, Juan Ponce
de Leon assures me that all of you will be allowed to serve us in
White Mans Heaven.
Colibricaona: (angry and suspicious) Serve us?!?! Where are you going to be?
Agueybana: (surprised) Why, in Gods house with Juan and the rest of the
Guamikena, of course! Juan doesnt expect a man of my stature and
usefulness to be put to work in the fields of Heaven. Please!
Agueybana begins to laugh. The Tainos join in the laughter as they get out of
their chairs and circle Agueybana. The Tainos stop laughing and stare at
Agueybana. Agueyana stops laughing, realizing that he is surrounded.
Agueybana: (weakly) Taino-ti, my brothers?
Colibricaona: GET EM!
Lights slowly fade as the Tainos chase Agueybana off the stage. As the lights
go down, the audience hears the yelps of pain from Agueybana.
-Lights Out-
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The Mero Mero of the United States
Cast: Barbara: Conducting the most important live interview of
her life
President Salgado: The first American president of Latino ancestry
President Salgado and Barbara are seated front center stage. Their chairs are
cocked toward the audience at a 45 degree angle (interview style). President
Salgado and Barbara engaging in a hushed, lively conversation as her show is
coming back from a commercial break.
Barbara: (too big to be sincere smile on her face) Welcome back to Barbaras,
where I am conducting an exclusive live interview with the new
president of the United States, President Salgado.
(suddenly all business) Now, President Salgado, we were discussing
your teenage years when you were a member of the 4th and Main Boyz
street gang. You were shot by a member of a rival street gang, the
Six-Six Assassinos.
President Salgado: (visibly upset) Yes, I was a member of the 4-Mains and, yes,
I was put in the hospital by Tony "Mero Mero" Sanchez when he shot me
in the back with a hollow-tip bullet.
I dont look back on those times with regret, Barbara. It was
throughout those many months of physical therapy and expensive visits
to spine injury specialists that I realized I had to change my life.
I moved away from my hometown, put myself through college doing
landscape, and got involved with many grass-roots organizations to
rise up and become the first Mexican-American president of the United
States.
Being a president from the hood makes me understand the problems of
gang violence in America today. Thats why today, on your show,
Barbara, Im announcing my "War on Gangs"...
President Salgado is beaming. Barbara is beaming. This is a wonderful moment
in politics and television and they know it.
President Salgado: Starting with the Six-Six Assassinos and their head boss,
Tony Sanchez.
Barbaras face just drops. Shes getting an inkling of whats going on.
Barbara: Cut! Cut!
President Salgado: Special Agent "Two-Balls", Special Agent "Click-Click", kill
everyone in the control booth if we go off the air. (looking at
Barbara) What? Jump if you feeling froggy, Barbara. Jump!
Barbara furiously shakes head "no".
President Salgado (getting up and walking toward the audience): Hey, Tony "Mero
Mero" Sanchez, member me, bitch? What you got now? 500 or 600
soldiers armed with nines and Uzis?
I got the Army Rangers, Marine Corps, Coast Guard, CIA, and FBI on
speed dial. Yup, crazy bunch of armed country-fed white boys hopped
up on patriotism and rap music! Bring yo straps, nigga! I got straps
ready and tanks and mothafuckin F-16s fighter jets! I got something
nuclear waiting for yo ass! Consider yourself pussy, cause you about
to get fucked!
You aint no real Mero Mero! Im the Mero Mero -- Mero Mero of the
fuckin United States and Im keeping it real! Long live 4-Main!
(pumping his hands up in the air) 4-Main nation! Wooooooo! 4-Main
nation! Yeah!
(sitting back down and straightening his tie) Now, lets discuss how
Im gonna handle trade relations with that punk-bitch Japanese Prime
Minister.
-Lights Out-
_________________________________________________________________
/ _______________________________________________________________ \
| / \ |
|| TCAHR wants your children, but will settle for your writing. ||
|| Got an idea for an article? Perhaps a rebuttal to something ||
|| you read here? Send 'em in and bask in the reflected glory ||
|| of a meglomanatical would-be dictator and his attempt at ||
|| world infection. To sweeten the deal, if we ever take over ||
|| the known universe...FREE PERSONALIZED TCAHR COFFEE MUGS. ||
|| Never let it be said that Jet Jaguar is a cheap wanker. ||
| \_______________________________________________________________/ |
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