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Tcahr Issue 38
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"To aid in the incubation, breeding, and release of butterflies in Asia."
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Vol. 02, Iss. 14 The Illuminati Interview
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If you've entered TCAHR through http://maq.port5.com in the last two weeks,
you've noticed a few changes. I decided to combine elements of older versions
of TCAHR as well as things from my now defunct personal homepage "Maq's
Unoriginal Blends". So the original Flash animation complete with the TCAHR
theme song is back. The first useful page you'll find after the splash screen
(http://maq.port5.com/frontpage.html -- for those of you who despise Flash
and/or splash screens) now opens up directly to our disclaimer and manifesto.
I cleaned up the navagation and am now I'm working on the links; I'm slowly
adding in other websites. I'm concentrating on e-zines and journals. Yes,
some of you wankers are there. Also, since the TCAHR e-zine wasn't appealing
to my meglomania, you will find a personal section with a journal, webcam,
photos, and bio page. That's for those of you who care about that stuff.
Enough about moi, you came here for my exclusive interview with the Illuminati.
It all started off as a lame chat room joke. We were chatting about secret
conspiracies and I typed that I've give a $50 gift certificate from Radio Shack
for proof of the Illuminati's existence. I was treated to a chorus of "lol"
and thought nothing more of it.
About 8 days later, a black envelope with embossed silver writing on the flap
arrived at TCAHR HQ. The writing appeared to be ancient Arabic; this was
by both confirmed by Communications Officer S1 Tyra and Memetic Applications
team scientist S3 Devi. The letter not only promised proof of the Illuminati,
but an interview with some of its members.
It seemed like a gag, but I decided to go along with it. I went to the assigned
meeting place only to be met by a limo. After 5 limo rides, 2 private jets, 8
druggings and 3 body cavity searches, I began to suspect this wasn't a joke.
After about the 14th drugging, I woke up in an room that reminded me of those
private English clubs I've read about. 4 young men in expensive suits and an
older gentleman with a haughty attitude were waiting on me. I immediately got
to work.
Jet Jaguar: Hello. How are all of you doing today?
Man 1: We are Illuminati.
JJ: Uh, yeah. That's what the squiggly writing on the envelope translates to;
Illuminati.
Man 2 and Man 3: We are Illuminati.
JJ: Got it. Now that we got tha--
Man 4: We are Illuminati.
JJ: (turning to the fifth person in the room) You may as well get it out of
the way.
Man 5: We are--
JJ: Illuminati, right?
M5: (stiffly) No, sir. We are serving the wine now. Would you prefer a glass
of 1961 Red Bordeaux or perhaps a Burgundy from the Beaujolais district.
JJ: Oh. I'll have a Coke.
M5: (with a look of distaste on his face) Very good, sir.
M4: We are Illuminati. He is the Illuminati's steward.
(restrained chuckles from the rest of the Illuminati.)
JJ: Fuck this. I'm leaving and taking my $50 gift certificate from Radio
Shack with me.
M1: My dear, Jet Jaguar, don't be so sensitive. Haven't you read of the
protective powers of laughter in a dangerous situation?
JJ: Understood.
M1: No unnecessary harm shall come to you here. You are our guest as long as
you comport yourself as our guest. Harry has arrived with your drink.
M5: (coldly) Your Coke, sir. (leaves)
JJ: What's his deal?
M2: You ordered a Coke.
M3: PepsiCo is our representative in the soft drink and junk food market.
M2: Didn't you see the signs?
JJ: What signs? I didn't see any signs around here.
M4: Not those kind of signs. The signs on Pepsi commercials. Have you heard
of...Britney Spears?
JJ: Britney Spears is an Illuminati agent?!?
M4: You don't think she got that famous without a little...help?
JJ: I always figured she got ahead on...blowjobs?
(All the Illuminati's faces burn bright red.)
M1: Shouldn't you be asking pertinent questions, Jaguar?
JJ: Alright, so how much are you guys really in charge of?
M5: What did you eat for lunch today?
JJ: Huh?
M2 and M3: What did you eat for lunch?
JJ: Please stop that. I had a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of coffee.
M4: Did you enjoy...the cheese?
JJ: Yeah, I liked the cheese. I wouldn't be eating a grilled cheese sandwich if
I didn't like cheese.
(Maniacal laughter from the Illuminati.)
JJ: What the --? You're not taking credit for the creation of cheese, are you?
M2: Of course not! We're not insane.
M3: Before we decided to intervene, cheese was simply the ancient world's
equivalent of biological weaponry.
M2: We're only responsible for the flavor.
M4: Hey! Remember what happened in Athens that time?
(More laughter accompanied by high-fives.)
JJ: Real humorous. How about giving me specific organizations?
M1: We control Time-Warner/AOL, Microsoft, Disney...
M2: NBC, the U.S. Military, the Boy Scouts...
M3: The Stock Market, Sony, HarperCollins...
M4: Sun Microsystems, Hasbro, TCAHR...
JJ: You don't control TCAHR!
M4: Have it your way, dude.
JJ: Dude? You know what? I've had enough. This isn't the Illuminati. I
refuse to believe that the Illuminati's membership consists of guys that
act like a bunch of frat boys.
(M4 starts giggling.)
M2: Brad, you dillhole! You totally gave us away.
JJ: Who are the hell are you guys?
All: SKULL AND BONES! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
JJ: Fuck. I wanted to interview someone important.
M1: Man, that's harsh. Isn't like total supremacy of the U.S. government by
a college frat awesome enough for you? Come on, we got George W. Bush
elected! Can your Illuminati do that? Fuck, man! Jesus couldn't do
that.
We'll make it up to you though. We party harder than the Kennedys on
crack. You like jello shots, right? I'll introduce you to Britney.
She's fun; she does this incredible trick with her p--
JJ: Tell you what. You get those assholes at the Republican National Congress
to stop spamming my e-mail and we're cool. Cool?
M1: Cool. Now let's smokum peace pipe. You know, it was one of my ancestors
came up with the idea to dress like Indians at the Boston Tea Party.
M4: Yo, Harry! Hurry up and get Jet some of our finest shit! It ain't gonna
smoke itself! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
JJ: (mumbling) The bloody things I do for my readers...
The Jaguar
TCAHR CEO
_________________________________________________________________
/ _______________________________________________________________ \
| / \ |
|| TCAHR wants your children, but will settle for your writing. ||
|| Got an idea for an article? Perhaps a rebuttal to something ||
|| you read here? Send 'em in and bask in the reflected glory ||
|| of a meglomanatical would-be dictator and his attempt at ||
|| world infection. To sweeten the deal, if we ever take over ||
|| the known universe...FREE PERSONALIZED TCAHR COFFEE MUGS. ||
|| Never let it be said that Jet Jaguar is a cheap wanker. ||
| \_______________________________________________________________/ |
\_________________________________________________________________/
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The Committee Against Human Rights -- http://maq.port5.com
TCAHR Disclaimer and Manifesto -- http://maq.port5.com/frontpage.html
The Polymemetic Textfile Project -- http://maq.port5.com/polymemetic.txt
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tcahr@hotmail.com Copyright 2002
