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SURFPUNK Technical Journal 022
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 10:56:33 PST
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From: cocot@osc.versant.com (Gurer vf NOFBYHGRYL AB JNEENAGL sbe TQO)
To: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (SURFPUNK Technical Journal)
Subject: [surfpunk-0022] PHILE: Dave Barry's Year in Review
Keywords: surfpunk, Dave Barry, Mike Godwin
| Information wants to be free.
| Believe it, pal.
| -- Bruce Sterling
|___________________________________
SMTP flow has been unreliable here recently in our corner of the
northern California matrix; I've delayed the Return Of Surfpunk until
it appeared a bit stable. But here we go anyway. Get ready for a
barrage of SURFPUNKs, to catch up.
If anyone understands how to fix the MX for "versant.com", and wants
to just hack in and do it, feel free to! Or explain to me how...
Dave Barry's writings have been around on The Net for a long time -- at
first, without his permission; later, with his permission; and now,
since his syndicate has asked us not to post them to the net, without
permission again. See spaf's intro next ...
--strick
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Source: Yucks Digest Sat, 2 Jan 93 Volume 3 : Issue 1
________________________________________________________________________
Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 10:47:19 EST
From: Mike Godwin <mnemonic@eff.org>
Subject: Dave Barry's Year in Review
To: eniac
[Happy New Year's, folks! As a sort of New Year's tradition, here is
Dave Barry's year in review, as sent out by Mike Godwin.
Note that this is copyrighted "(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD". However,
as Mike is a well-respected lawyer aware of such things, I assume he
got this from a source that didn't indicate distribution restrictions,
otherwise he wouldn't have remailed it.
If you have been living in a cave for the last few years (or spending
too much time at your workstations), Dave Barry is one of America's
premier humor writers. I encourage you to seek out his books if you
are not already familiar with them.
--spaf]
JANUARY
1 -- In the White House, George Bush, during a high-level discussion
of possible U.S. responses to a strike by cork harvesters in Portugal,
glances out the Oval Office window and notices that the darned U.S.
economy is STILL in trouble. He vows to write a stern note to his
economic advisers, Wayne and Garth, just as soon as he gets back from
the upcoming meeting of The Six or Seven Top World Leaders Club, at
which they are expected to agree, after two years of negotiations, on a
secret handshake. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton -- a virtual unknown on the
national scene, despite the fact that he has been governor of Arkansas
since he was 17 -- arrives in New Hampshire with a truck containing 957
separate eight-point policies, a 55-gallon drum of nasal decongestant
and enough hair spray to immobilize the Brazilian rain forest.
2 -- True Item: The Middle East is hit by its heaviest snowstorm in
four decades.
3 -- In an unprecedented broadcasting development, an entire hour
passes during which there is not ONE SINGLE COMMERCIAL featuring Michael
Jordan. The FCC vows to investigate.
4 -- In Jerusalem, 47 Arabs and 38 Israelis are injured in the
region's worst snowball fighting in four decades.
5 -- True item: A Florida state appeals court rules that Broward
County Sheriff Nick Navarro has to stop an operation under which
sheriff-department personnel MANUFACTURED CRACK COCAINE, then sold it to
citizens, then arrested these citizens for buying it, because of course
drugs are bad and need to be eliminated.
6 -- Medical researchers at Johns Hopkins announce that a five-year
study of cholesterol has revealed that the letters in "cholesterol"
can be rearranged to spell "hooter cells." Bacon futures soar.
7 -- The troubled airline industry announces that it will raise fares.
In politics, New York Gov. Mario Cuomo calls a press conference to
announce that, just in case anybody forgot, he has definitely ruled
himself out of the presidential race. In a staggering economic blow to
California's largest industry, the Food and Drug Administration calls
for a moratorium on breast implants.
8 -- President Bush flies to Japan accompanied by 237 high-level
aides, 322 leading U.S. business executives, 517 journalists, 856
security personnel, the first lady, 26 grandchildren and both White
House dogs. Left behind, tragically, is the black briefcase containing
the presidential Pepto-Bismol.
9 -- Virginia Gov. Douglas Wilder pulls out of the presidential race,
sending shock tremors through the estimated 15 people who knew he was
running. Mario Cuomo calls an urgent press conference to announce that
it will not be necessary for him to drop out, because he was never in.
Elvis marks his 55th birthday with an appearance on the "Larry King
Live" show.
10 -- In Tokyo, President Bush scores an economic coup as the Japanese
government, under intense pressure to open its doors to U.S. imports,
agrees to purchase a 1992 Chevrolet Caprice. At a formal dinner hosted
by the prime minister, the president formalizes the agreement by
performing the ceremonial Ralph of Friendship.
16 -- One year after the outbreak of the Gulf War, defeated and
crestfallen dictator Saddam Hussein marks the occasion by attending the
Invitational Kurd Shoot.
18 -- The Supreme Court votes 6-5 to strike down a federal law
requiring audits of Supreme Court voting procedures.
20 -- The Japanese government's Caprice develops transmission trouble.
22 -- The New Hampshire primary campaign is thrown into an uproar when
the major news media, having vowed to focus on The Issues, give
extensive coverage to allegations by Gennifer Flowers in a supermarket
tabloid that, over a 12-year period, she and Bill Clinton repeatedly met
in secret to discuss his program for national health insurance.
24 -- An estimated 750 journalists attend an emotional press
conference at which Gennifer Flowers plays a tape recording of a man,
whom she identifies as Bill Clinton, revealing intimate details of his
position on federal alfalfa subsidies.
26 -- In the most surprising Super Bowl finish in the game's 27-year
history, the Washington Redskins and the Buffalo Bills agree to stop
playing in the third quarter so they can watch Bill and Hillary Clinton
discuss their marriage on "60 Minutes."
------
FEBRUARY
1 -- In sports, heavyweight rocket scientist Mike Tyson KO's himself.
2 -- In what has become a Groundhog Day tradition, Pennsylvania's
famous furry critter "Punxsutawney Phil" emerges from hibernation and
appears on "Larry King Live." The troubled airline industry announces
that fares will henceforth be based on a complex formula involving the
outcomes of collegiate hockey games. Bert Parks leaves to MC that Big
Beauty Pageant in the Sky.
4 -- True Item: An archaeological expedition, guided by photographs
taken from space, locates a "lost city" buried under the desert of
southern Oman.
7 -- President Bush, responding to allegations that his use of the
potent sleeping-pill Halcion has caused him to act erratically, angrily
tells reporters that they are "big Methodist spiders."
8 -- The lost city in southern Oman is identified as Toledo, Ohio,
which apparently has been missing since 1987, but nobody noticed until
now.
10 -- Commemorating the 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage,
authentic reproductions of the sailing ships Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria
set out for the "New World." Alex Haley returns to his "Roots."
11 -- In New Hampshire, Bill Clinton's character comes under further
scrutiny when the news media obtain a 1969 photograph showing him
reporting for a draft physical wearing a dress. Immediately, a new
surprise front-runner emerges in the form of former U.S. senator and
suspected pod person Paul E. Tsongas, who informs the press, via an
interpreter, that, in order for the economy to recover, "everybody must
swim laps." Mario Cuomo begins a 27-city bus tour of the Granite State
to remind voters that he is not running.
12 -- The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria sail off the edge of the Earth.
17 -- In Milwaukee, Jeffrey Dahmer is sentenced to life in prison with
no refrigerator privileges.
18 -- President Bush's political vulnerability is exposed brutally in
the New Hampshire primary balloting when he finishes just barely ahead
of Pat Buchanan, and 47 points behind Mrs. Bush.
19 -- A historic accord is achieved in troubled Lebanon when
representatives of all 19 warring factions meet to agree on a system of
color-coded uniforms so everybody will know whom to shoot at. Elsewhere
abroad, the beleaguered Cuban government announces a plan to ration
gravity.
20 -- Appearing on "Larry King Live," H. Ross Perot announces that
if his supporters put him on the ballot in all 50 states, he will have
them all investigated. In Lebanon, the opening session of the Color-
Coded-Uniform Conference erupts in gunfire following a dispute over
which faction gets to wear teal.
21 -- In Winter Olympics action, NBC elects to simply re-broadcast
videotapes of the luge and bobsled events from 1976, since nobody can
tell the difference.
25 -- The U.S. Postal Service, bored with trying to deliver the actual
mail, announces a plan to spend millions of taxpayer dollars deciding
which face to put on the Elvis stamp.
26 -- In Washington, the Supreme Court, in a landmark 9-8 decision,
rules that if you pass "GO," you don't HAVE to collect the $200.
27 -- Mario Cuomo calls a press conference to announce that he is
withdrawing his face from consideration for the Elvis stamp.
28 -- The troubled airline industry enters the Betty Ford Clinic.
------
MARCH
1 -- Pat Buchanan wins the Austrian primary.
2 -- Saddam Hussein appears on "Larry King Live."
3 -- Business and academic professionals around the world are gripped
by panic following dire warnings from numerous experts that tens of
thousands of computers could be infected with the dread Michelangelo
virus, set to strike on March 6.
4 -- A grim President Bush places U.S. armed forces on Full Red Alert
in preparation for the expected onslaught of the dread Michelangelo
virus.
5 -- Highways leading from major metropolitan areas are hopelessly
jammed by millions of fear-crazed motorists fleeing from the oncoming
Michelangelo virus.
6 -- As predicted, the dread Michelangelo virus erupts, wreaking
untold havoc on an estimated one computer belonging to Rose Deegle of
Rochester, N.Y., whose Christmas-card list is nearly wiped out. Vice
President Quayle jets in to oversee the relief effort.
8 -- Michelangelo appears on "Larry King Live."
9 -- True Item: Led by the Surgeon General, U.S. doctors call on R.J.
Reynolds to dump the "Old Joe" cartoon camel as a symbol for Camel
cigarettes, on the grounds that it has great appeal to children.
10 -- Jerry Brown wins the Disneyland primary.
11 -- In New York, the trial of accused Mafia kingpin John Gotti is
recessed while the judge considers a defense motion to declare a
mistrial because "The air seems to be running a little low inside the
55-gallon drum where we are keeping your honor's mother."
12 -- True Item: Tammy Faye Bakker announces that she is seeking a
divorce, saying that waiting for her convicted evangelist troll husband,
Jim, to get out of jail is "too hard on the physical body."
13 -- Controversy flares anew over professional baseball's escalating
salaries when the Chicago Cubs sign a five-year, $43 million contract
with catcher Tom Daily, who died in 1939.
14 -- In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the
young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump "Old Joe," and that
Camels will henceforth be represented by "Old Kermit the Frog."
17 -- A ray of sunshine penetrates the gloomy national mood as
Americans delight to a hilarious new nightly TV comedy,
"Congresspersons Explain Why They Were Not Responsible For Overdrawing
Their Own Personal Checking Accounts As Many As Several Hundred Times In
One Year," featuring a parade of elected officials maintaining straight
faces while offering excuses that make the act of balancing a checkbook
appear far more complex than a space-shuttle launch.
18 -- Convicted tax felon and Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley is sentenced
to prison. Concerned about the pacing of its games, the National
Football League decides to eliminate the "instant replay" after a
study shows that seven games from the 1991 season are still going on.
19 -- The sergeant-at-arms of the House of Representatives, who had
been responsible for the House bank, resigns to accept a key position in
the savings-and-loan industry.
20 -- Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley escapes from prison by climbing out a
third-floor window and shinnying down what police describe as "a very
large strand of pearls."
22 -- New York City police suspect that escaped Hotel Queen Leona
Helmsley could be at large in Manhattan following an incident in which a
woman wearing a mink ski mask burst into a midtown beauty salon and
forced an employee to pedicure her at gunpoint.
24 -- True Item: Mrs. Manuel Noriega is arrested at a Miami department
store and charged with snipping 27 buttons off of 10 women's jackets.
25 -- In a major intelligence coup, the U.S. government learns that it
might not need to have 300,000 troops defending West Germany from East
Germany, because these are now THE SAME COUNTRY. Officials begin
planning a lightning military maneuver that could mean that, by 1995,
there will be only 150,000 U.S. troops defending Germany from itself.
29 -- Paul Tsongas drops out of the Democratic race and immediately
surges ahead in the polls. The school board in Doober County, Ala.,
responding to pressure from concerned parents, votes to ban "David
Copperfield" from the high-school curriculum on the grounds that it
"contains words."
30 -- Bill Clinton, wooing the weenie vote, says he tried marijuana,
but was unable to inhale.
31 -- "Silence of the Lambs" is the big winner in the Academy Award
ceremonies, which culminate in an emotional moment when Best Actor
Anthony Hopkins breaks down on stage and ralphs up what is later
identified as a segment of Best Actress Jodie Foster.
------
APRIL
1 -- Members of the U.S. House of Representatives vote to stop getting
themselves re-elected by spending billions of taxpayer dollars on
unnecessary weapons and military bases and moron projects for purposes
such as asparagus research. April Fool.
2 -- True Item: Scientists announce the discovery of a massive, 1,500-
year-old fungus in Michigan. It covers at least 37 acres, making it the
largest living thing on Earth, after Rush Limbaugh. In New York, John
Gotti is convicted on all 13 counts of racketeering and murder; the
judge, in an unusual sentence, orders him "to be more careful next
time."
3 -- An international arms-inspection team begins to suspect that Iraq
may be concealing missiles when they happen to observe several downtown
Baghdad "telephone poles" blasting into the sky.
4 -- A National Institutes of Health panel on weight control releases
its long-awaited report, which unfortunately is unreadable because of
chocolate stains. The giant Michigan fungus appears on "Larry King
Live."
5 -- Sam Walton experiences the Ultimate Discount.
6 -- True Item: The ceremonial first pitch of the 1992 baseball
season, thrown by President Bush in Baltimore's new stadium, lands in
the dirt. Isaac Asimov returns to his Foundation.
7 -- Another True Item: The Supreme Court rules that undercover
federal agents acted improperly in a "sting" operation wherein they
spent more than two years relentlessly trying to sell child pornography
to a Nebraska man, and then, when he finally ordered some, they arrested
him. Legal scholars ponder what would happen if undercover agents
accidentally purchased federally distributed kiddie porn with cocaine
manufactured by the Broward County Sheriff's Office.
9 -- Great Britain elects an entire new government following a
campaign that took less time, total, than U.S. politicians will need,
later in the year, to agree on a debate format.
10 -- The Bush administration proposes legislation to shorten the
distance between the pitcher's mound and home plate. Convicted savings-
and-loan magnate Charles Keating is sentenced to 10 years in prison, but
works out a deal wherein he will actually serve only 10 days of his own
time, and use depositors' time for the rest of the sentence.
11 -- Sam Kinison has his last laugh.
12 -- In a triumph for the Bush administration following the U.S.
invasion of Panama and a trial costing millions of dollars, a Miami jury
convicts Manuel Noriega on charges of receiving stolen buttons.
13 -- Ross Perot announces that the country is all messed up, but that
he has ordered a plan to fix everything and will reveal it just as soon
as he takes delivery. His polls soar.
14 -- Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary
could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll
her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is
confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit.
15 -- True Item: President and Mrs. Bush's tax returns are made
public, revealing that in 1991 the President made $2,718 in royalties
for his autobiography, whereas First Dog Millie made $889,176 for hers.
17 -- Downtown Chicago is paralyzed for what will turn out to be
several days by a massive, multimillion-dollar flood, the cause of which
is ultimately traced to the home of Arnold Spooterman, whose last words,
according to his wife, were "We don't need a plumber. I'll just tighten
this ..."
18 -- A closer inspection of the Bush tax return shows a business
deduction for $457,756 worth of "chew toys."
21 -- NASA scientists, using sophisticated computer analysis of
photographs obtained from the Hubble Space Telescope, report that there
is a dead bug on the lens.
25 -- Ross Perot announces that his plan to fix the country up has
been delayed because some parts had to be back-ordered, but it should
arrive "within a couple of weeks." His polls soar.
27 -- The War on Drugs scores a major victory when U.S. agents, acting
on a tip, arrest Peru.
29 -- Riots erupt in Los Angeles after residents obtain an advance
copy of the "Murphy Brown" script in which she becomes an unwed
mother.
30 -- Looting spreads to many areas of L.A., including Rodeo Drive,
where witnesses report seeing escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley
breaking into a leading boutique by hurling a large diamond against the
plate-glass window.
------
MAY
1 -- Political leaders from all over the nation rush to Los Angeles to
express their concern for the inner city, until the TV lights go out.
5 -- Ross Perot's poll ratings surge again after he announces that his
plan to fix the country finally did arrive, but had to be sent back
because of a faulty binding. Hillary Clinton, newly released from a
successful treatment at the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic,
declares that the No. 1 concern of the public is "closet space."
6 -- The final credits roll for Marlene Dietrich.
11 -- True Item: United Airlines announces that it will serve
McDonald's food on more than 250 flights departing daily from Chicago's
O'Hare airport.
14 -- Another True Item: Sen. Dennis DeConcini, D-Ariz., endorsing a
balanced-budget amendment, says: "We're going to finally wrestle to the
ground this gigantic orgasm that is just out of control."
15 -- Damage is estimated at $3.7 million after a United Airlines
pilot attempts to taxi a fully loaded 727 up to a McDonald's drive-thru
window.
16 -- Sen. Dennis DeConcini denies any knowledge of a life-size
inflatable copy of the federal budget found in his car.
18 -- Halcion gets a clean bill of health when a Food and Drug
Administration panel reports that the controversial drug "poses
absolutely no threat to the little talking harmonicas that live in your
nose." Lawrence Welk passes away, but this is not expected to affect
his performing skills.
19 -- Tributes to Johnny Carson dominate the airwaves as the beloved
"Tonight Show" host, in his last week on the air, is visited by a
glittering array of celebrities, including Cher, Newt Gingrich and
devastated Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, who tells the late-night
legend that he never misses the monologue, "even when I'm in the
bunker."
20 -- In a major policy address, Dan Quayle points out that Dumbo's
mom was unwed, thereby touching off riots in four major cities. On the
"Tonight Show," Johnny's guests include Marky Mark and the Joint
Chiefs of Staff.
21 -- In what will later be viewed as a mistake, the crack Middle East
Peace Negotiating Team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia. Johnny
Carson plays host to Mother Teresa, the Chicago Bulls, Telly Savalas,
Susan Sontag and Weird Al Yankovic.
22 -- In Los Angeles, a judge orders police officers acquitted of
beating Rodney King to be re-tried, this time by a jury that is not
legally blind. At the White House, Dan Quayle is bitten by Millie, best-
selling author and unwed mother. On his much-anticipated final show,
Johnny Carson, following a moving tribute by Princess Diana, Orson
Welles and six of the original 12 apostles, announces that he has
decided not to retire.
30 -- A Milwaukee judge rules that a Chicago man, whose sperm was used
to fertilize an egg removed from an Atlanta woman who was paid by a
Detroit couple who have since divorced and are now in a bitter court
dispute over what brand of refrigerator to keep the embryo in, DOES have
the right to be in the first segment when the story is featured on
"Oprah."
------
JUNE
1 -- Uncertainty grips the Middle East as brain surgeons in Jordan
work for seven hours on PLO leader Yasser Arafat, but are unable to get
that cloth thing off his head.
3 -- Bill Clinton, seeking to improve his image among young voters,
goes on "The Arsenio Hall Show" and, after donning a pair of dark
sunglasses, smokes a joint.
4 -- Thousands of delegates from all over the world jet to Rio de
Janeiro for the Earth Summit, an event that scientists predict will
severely deplete the planet's dwindling supply of hors d'oeuvres.
8 -- By an unfortunate coincidence, the annual "Tailhook" convention
of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las Vegas hotel as
the Association of Women Karate Instructors. "I had no idea," states
one observer, "that an aviator could fly that far without an aircraft.
"
9 -- At the Earth Summit, a day of often-heated debate finally draws
to a close when delegates, by an unexpectedly close margin, vote to
order the veal scaloppine. Jimmy Hoffa appears on "Larry King Live."
10 -- Doubts arise concerning Ross Perot's claim to be a Washington
"outsider" after The New York Times reports that the Dallas
billionaire owns the Smithsonian Institution, the Lincoln Memorial and
an estimated 53 percent interest in the House of Representatives. New
"Tonight Show" host Jay Leno welcomes special guest George Bush, who
seeks to improve his image among younger voters by performing "Smoke on
the Water" on the ukulele. Earth Summit delegates vote to distribute
680,000 copies of the 571-page Official Earth Summit Manifesto to End
Waste and Souvenir Album.
11 -- The U.S. Senate, after intense lobbying by the National Rifle
Association, defeats a bill banning handguns in the womb.
12 -- In a landmark decision, a federal judge in Los Angeles rules
that if the National Endowment for the Arts is going to use taxpayers'
money to buy art, the taxpayers should get to decide what KIND of art.
13 -- Ross Perot, appearing on the David Letterman show, wows young
voters with a rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" on a nose flute. The
National Endowment for the Arts purchases 3.4 million paintings of dogs
playing poker. Scientists detect a large new hole in the ozone layer,
believed to be caused by fumes from flaming desserts served at the Earth
Summit.
14 -- The U.S. House, after a lengthy session during which virtually
every member gets up and makes an impassioned speech stating that
Something Must Be Done about the deficit, rejects the balanced-budget
amendment.
15 -- President Bush's brain trust, seeking some positive press
coverage, shrewdly decides to send the President to Panama, where he is
welcomed by happy natives who stage an enthusiastic welcoming
demonstration until they are driven off by tear gas.
16 -- As the ongoing Iran-Contra investigation enters its 19th year,
Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh calls a press conference to announce
that he is appointing a Special Task Force to try to remember who the
"Contras" were.
17 -- Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President
Quayle gives a spelling lesson.
18 -- True Item: A federal audit shows that William Reilly, the head
of the Environmental Protection Agency, which sets strict mileage
standards for cars owned by ordinary humans, often drives a federal car
that gets 6.3 miles per gallon.
23 -- In yet another indication of public anger, voters in Kansas
approve a referendum mandating the death penalty for anybody who runs
for Congress more than twice.
27 -- Ross Perot, angered by allegations of former campaign staff
members that he pried into their private lives, threatens to release
photographs of them naked. The summer's smash movie hit is "Batman
Returns," featuring a bizarre array of evil new characters such as
"The Penguin," played by Danny DeVito; and the "Cat Woman," played
by escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley. EPA head William Reilly is
arrested for whaling. Education Vice President Quayle explains to a
Detroit high-school science class that airplanes can fly because of
"big bees in the wings."
------
JULY
1 -- With the economy mired in a recession and Democrats preparing to
nominate a highly skilled campaigner in Bill Clinton, Republican Party
strategists realize that their only realistic hope for guaranteeing
George Bush's re-election is to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
2 -- Financially troubled Braniff Airlines suddenly ceases operations,
but officials assure nervous passengers that most flights "should be
able to glide to safety."
3 -- In a top-secret nighttime launch, the U.S. military orbits a
nuclear-powered $47.5 million state-of-the-art laser-equipped satellite
designed to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
7 -- A freak tidal wave hits Daytona Beach, Fla., baffling scientists.
8 -- In a hopeful development involving the international debt crisis,
Brazil promises world bankers that it will pay them their money
"tomorrow." In Daytona Beach, the tidal-wave mystery is resolved when
satellite photos detect Ted Kennedy breast-stroking about three miles
offshore.
9 -- The U.N. Security Council meets in a closed session with
representatives of the CIA, the FBI, the Mafia, the Trilateral
Commission, the Justice League of America and the Fantastic Four to
finalize secret plans for messing up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
World bankers arrive in South America to discover that Brazil, according
to neighboring Argentina, moved out the night before after packing all
of its natural resources into a U-Haul truck.
10 -- Bill Clinton, in a shrewd tactical move designed to woo the
crucial department-store-mannequin vote, picks Al Gore as his running
mate. Meanwhile, the U.S. Sixth and Seventh Fleets, accompanied by seven
"Thumper" class nuclear submarines and elements of the 4th, 9th, 16th
and 28th Tactical Air Flying Bomber Squadrons, proceed at maximum speed
toward a secret rendezvous point in the Caribbean, where they receive
Urgent Priority Code Red instructions to "use whatever means necessary,
including nuclear weapons, to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding."
Eric Sevareid goes to heaven, where he will be constantly mistaken for
God.
13 -- True Item: In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Navy missile cruiser
Cowpens messes up during a training exercise and informs an Australian
commercial airliner via radio that unless it changes course immediately,
"you will be fired upon."
14 -- In New York, delegates to the Democratic Convention, sensing a
chance for victory after 12 years out of power, roar with approval when
a passionate Mario Cuomo declares that he "might still be available."
16 -- Ross Perot, sacrificing personal gratification to save the
nation from the devastation that would inevitably result from the
international conspiracy to mess up his daughter's wedding, announces
that he does not wish to be president, forcing many of his followers to
turn to their second choice, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. The surprise
announcement sends a wave of elation through the Democratic convention
in New York, where new nominee Bill Clinton, launching into his
acceptance speech, boldly declares that he loves his mom.
17 -- Increasingly suspicious U.N. arms inspectors observe as Iraqi
dictator Saddam Hussein, visiting a street market, purchases a 17-foot-
long "zucchini" clearly labeled "50 megatons." A grim-faced
President Bush threatens to "send troops partway to Baghdad, then order
them to stop." In New York, Bill Clinton nears the halfway mark in his
acceptance speech.
18 -- Bill Clinton concludes his acceptance speech and sets out on a
bus tour of the Heartland with Al Gore, whose body is unable to bend
enough to fit in the bus seats, so his aides just stick him up on the
luggage rack, still in a waving position.
22 -- The Colombian government's commitment to the War on Drugs comes
into question after Pablo Escobar, the world's leading cocaine dealer,
manages to escape from the Envigado prison, along with nine henchmen, by
telling guards he needs to retrieve his Frisbee.
25 -- Clinton and Gore are forced to abandon their Heartland campaign
trip when their bus is "mistakenly" fired on by the U.S. missile
cruiser Cowpens.
28 -- In the War on Drugs, the hideout of Pablo Escobar is located and
surrounded by 2,000 Colombian troops, but the wily cocaine lord manages
to make his escape after shouting, "Your fly is down!"
29 -- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team defeats the
Republic of Zwit 563-4, with Charles Barkley scoring 153 points before
being ejected late in the second quarter for arson.
------
AUGUST
1 -- This would have been an excellent time for South Floridians to
check on their homeowners' insurance.
2 -- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team, seeking to save
time, defeats teams from Brazil, Poland and Canada simultaneously.
5 -- By a 27-18 vote, the Supreme Court rules that, once on the
island, Gilligan is not legally required to obey orders from the
Skipper.
6 -- In Olympic basketball, the Dream Team defeats an invading force
of Atomic Death Robots From The Planet Dorg. Elsewhere in sports, the
San Francisco Giants threaten to move to Tampa Bay.
7 -- True Item: The Environmental Protection Agency declares that lawn
mowers are a source of air pollution. All over America, deeply concerned
guys have no choice but to abandon their grass-cutting plans and take
planet-saving naps.
8 -- Basketball legend Larry Bird retires, citing concern over Ross
Perot's daughter's wedding.
14 -- John Sirica receives the Big Subpoena.
18 -- As the Republican Party, facing an uphill fight, gathers in
Houston for a crucial convention, millions of issues-conscious American
voters focus their full attention on Woody Allen and Mia Farrow.
19 -- Pat Buchanan gives the Bush-Quayle ticket a nice boost,
appealing to a broad spectrum of Americans with a speech entitled,
"Vote For Us; We're Better Than You." The Giants threaten to move to
Dayton, Ohio.
20 -- The troubled General Motors Corp. announces that, in an effort
to cut costs, it will stop making cars. At the Republican Convention,
it's Traditional Family Values night, as delegates burn a suspected
witch.
21 -- In a widely praised speech accepting his renomination, President
Bush, showing a new awareness of the task ahead, pledges to "think up
some programs or something." Hillary Clinton challenges Barbara Bush to
a bake-off.
22 -- Vice President Quayle, shrewdly stealing a page from the
Democrats' strategy, embarks on an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Tour of the
Heartland. The Giants threaten to move to France.
23 -- Hurricane Andrew approaches South Florida. Desperate residents
shop for plywood, batteries, flashlights and canned food. Roofers price
luxury cars. In politics, representatives of the Bush and Clinton camps
begin negotiating the bake-off format.
24 -- Hurricane Andrew hits the mainland, setting in motion one of the
largest domestic relief efforts in U.S. history as public and private
organizations send in billions of dollars, tons of supplies, thousands
of relief workers, and an estimated two insurance adjustors.
27 -- In politics, bake-off negotiations are stalled when the Clinton
camp rejects a proposed all-cookie format; a spokesperson argues that
"there has to be pie representation."
29 -- Confusion continues to plague the hurricane cleanup effort as an
Army troop convoy, transporting 50,000 tons of relief Spam through an
area with no working traffic signals, attempts to obey obscure hand
gestures being flashed at intersections by well-meaning but highly
nonprofessional volunteer traffic directors, and winds up driving into
the Atlantic Ocean, where it is mistakenly fired upon by the missile
cruiser Cowpens.
------
SEPTEMBER
1 -- President Bush, in a move that his aides stress has nothing to do
with electoral votes, announces plans to build a major naval base in
Illinois.
2 -- International arms monitors voice renewed concern when an
operable nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Union shows up in the
Action Figures section of a Passaic, N.J., Toys "R" Us.
4 -- In an effort to make the hurricane recovery more efficient, Dade
County, Fla., approves a plan permitting mobile-home manufacturers to
set up thousands of new units that have been predestroyed at the
factory, thus reducing paperwork later on. The Giants threaten to move
to the National Hockey League.
6 -- General Motors offers a credit card.
9 -- In a political scandal that the Bush administration can ill
afford, newspapers report that a State Department political appointee
has improperly used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain and
distribute crucial information concerning Hillary Clinton's brownie
ingredients. Bake-off negotiations collapse. In the troubled world
currency market, the franc gains sharply against the mark.
10 -- In a controversial decision, Madonna wins the Miss America
Pageant.
12 -- A team of surgeons at the Houston Medical Center successfully
implants a miniature dinette set inside the brain of a 57-year-old
asthma sufferer. "It won't help him," notes a spokesperson, "but it
is covered by insurance." In sports, the Giants threaten to move to the
14th Century.
13 -- Due to a manufacturing defect, General Motors is forced to
recall 275,000 credit cards. In troubled world currency action, the
pound falls sharply against the lira, knocking it into the pfennig,
which suffers a minor injury.
17 -- With the nation facing harsh choices on major issues concerning
the economy, health care and the ever-spiraling federal budget deficit,
the U.S. Congress, long ridiculed for shortsighted political cowardice,
stuns its many critics by summoning up the courage and vision to pass,
after heated debate, a law regulating cable-TV rates.
21 -- True Item: A high-school teacher in a Chicago suburb reveals
that he punishes students by making them listen to tapes of Frank
Sinatra. In the ongoing world currency crisis, the yen calls up Domino's
and, disguising its voice, has 200 pepperoni pizzas delivered to the
peso.
25 -- In a landmark ruling, an Orlando, Fla., judge declares that a
12-year-old boy has the right to select his own parents. He selects
Marge and Homer Simpson.
28 -- The political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot,
having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughter's
wedding, hints he may re-enter the presidential race. He invites Bush
and Clinton campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by
spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes.
29 -- True Item: Police arrest Eric Adam Kaplan, a candidate for the
Florida Legislature, and charge him with firing five bullets into the
home of his opponent, incumbent Bob Starks, and wounding Starks' wife in
the leg. Kaplan is immediately hired to direct Pat Buchanan's 1996
campaign. World currency troubles continue as the mark claims to have
photographs of the franc naked with the pound.
30 -- Political observers begin to suspect that something is afoot
when Ross Perot, in what a spokesperson describes as "merely a gesture
of appreciation, with no strings attached," donates $750 million to the
Electoral College.
31 -- Ignore this. September has only 30 days.
------
OCTOBER
1 -- True Item: During a NATO exercise in the Aegean Sea, the U.S.
aircraft carrier Saratoga accidentally launches two live missiles at a
Turkish destroyer. Bill Clinton, wooing voters without lives, appears on
"As the World Turns."
2 -- Ross Perot re-enters the presidential race, pledging to "clean
up this mess in Washington" and "get these tiny CIA computers out of
my teeth." The missile cruiser Cowpens begins steaming toward Turkey.
President Bush appears on the Home Shopping Network.
3 -- In a shrewd public-relations move that garners enormous sympathy
for her cause, whatever it is, follicly impaired singer Sinead O'Connor
tears up a photo of the Pope.
5 -- After more than a month of on-again, off-again negotiations, a
debate format is finally agreed upon, and all four major news networks
interrupt their prime-time programming to present the first of four
scheduled prime-time confrontations between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.
6 -- Turkey surrenders to the United States.
10 -- True item: The Associated Press reports that a West Virginia man
who had been drinking beer decided to clean three handguns, and wound up
shooting himself in the foot THREE TIMES. He is immediately hired to
direct strategy for the Bush campaign.
11 -- The Pope, appearing on the "Larry King Live" show, tears up a
photograph of Sinead O'Connor.
13 -- In the first of four presidential debates, Bill Clinton promises
to increase spending for jobs, education, health care, the environment,
the infrastructure, the outfrastructure and parking, while at the same
time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the middle class. Bush
says Clinton is a bozo. Ross Perot says it's time to cut bait and talk
turkey. All three candidates perform well in the Swimsuit Competition.
16 -- The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is the
complete transcript: "MY turn!" "No, MINE!" "What?" "Doodyhead!"
"Weiner brain!" "Where am I?" "ARE TOO!" "AM NOT!" "What's
going on?" "Liar liar pants on fire!" "Nanny nanny boo-boo!" "Who
are these people?"
18 -- In Atlanta, during ceremonies opening Game Two of the World
Series between the Braves and the Toronto Blue Jays, the Marine Corps
color guard carries the Canadian flag upside-down. The Marine Corps
stresses that this was "totally unintentional."
19 -- In the second presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to
increase spending on the inner cities, suburbs, rural areas, the
wilderness, the ozone layer and the asteroid belt, while at the same
time eliminating government waste and heart disease. George Bush says
Clinton is a communist whoremonger. Ross Perot says you have to bale hay
while the tractor is warm.
20 -- During ceremonies opening Game Three of the World Series in
Toronto, a Royal Canadian Air Force marching unit, in a development that
the Canadian government later stresses was "totally unintentional,"
opens fire on the Marine Corps color guard.
21 -- Literature-lovers flock to bookstores to purchase the latest
work by respected author and naked person Madonna, featuring photos of a
number of celebrities, including Millie and -- in yet another blow to a
once-proud institution -- four members of the British royal family.
22 -- Red Barber calls his final out.
23 -- In the third presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give
every single voter a briefcase full of money, then clean the voter's
garage, while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom
from the hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is Satan. Ross Perot
says you can't feed grits to a dead hog.
24 -- True Item: An astronomer at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for
Astrophysics predicts that the comet Swift-Tuttle could strike the Earth
in 2126.
26 -- In the fourth and final presidential debate, Bill Clinton
promises to give voters a magic pill that will enable them to live
forever while at the same time never suffering from hair loss. George
Bush bites Clinton on the leg. Ross Perot says it takes two snakes to
cross a puddle. A post-debate poll of prospective voters shows that the
majority of them believe the Braves should have used their relief
pitchers more.
28 -- The Consumer Product Safety Committee orders that the comet
Swift-Tuttle be equipped with an air bag.
29 -- Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in the
polls.
31 -- True Item: According to The Toledo (Ohio) Blade, "Two women who
attended a Halloween party dressed as tampons were recovering from burns
suffered when their costumes were set ablaze after they apparently came
in contact with a cigarette lighter."
------
NOVEMBER
1 -- Pollsters report that the presidential race is tightening as
voters swing from Clinton to Bush, with Perot support holding steady.
The Food and Drug Administration announces strict new regulations
governing tampon costumes.
2 -- Pollsters report that voters are swinging back from Bush toward
Clinton, with Perot support dropping slightly.
3 -- Pollsters report that voters are edging back toward Bush, then
suddenly darting back toward Clinton, with Perot supporters eating a ham
sandwich.
4 -- Pollsters report that the voters, by a statistically significant
margin, are saying that the election was yesterday, which means somebody
already got elected, although due to the margin of error it will be
necessary to conduct more polls to confirm this.
5 -- In post-election activity, President Bush, insisting that he is
"not bitter at all," orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a
strike against his own campaign headquarters. Meanwhile, Clinton,
speaking in sign language, indicates that he may not be able to
IMMEDIATELY fulfill all of his campaign promises, but he does expect,
within the first 100 days, to ask Congress to declare National Reed
Instruments Week.
6 -- News analysts, bored to death, declare that the Clinton
presidency has failed.
7 -- Socks the cat appears on the "Larry King Live" show.
8 -- Clinton is plunged into the first major controversy of his failed
presidency when top-level military officials object to his plan to
eliminate the armed forces' long-standing policy against admitting
people who have good haircuts.
10 -- The failed Clinton presidency faces yet another crisis, this
time a potential trade war that looms when France, in negotiations over
the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, defiantly rejects a U.S.
demand that the French Ministry of Agriculture stop subsidizing escargot
ranchers.
11 -- The Supremes Court, in a 3-0 ruling, declares that love is like
an itching in your heart, and baby, you can't scratch it.
13 -- In sports, Heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield is defeated by
challenger Bobby Fischer.
16 -- Bill Clinton angrily defends his choice of Vernon Jordan as
transition chief, claiming that Jordan's ties to the tobacco industry
will have "no effect" on Cabinet appointments. In the worsening Trade
War, Hillary Clinton, taking a more aggressive role now that the
election is over, orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike
against the French wine tanker LeSnot.
19 -- In the worsening trade war, leakage from LeSnot causes what the
EPA calls the worst wine spill in the nation's history, a 600-mile wide
blot of Bordeaux approaching the U.S. mainland and expected to make
landfall in Virginia, where angry residents argue that a Cabernet would
have been far more appropriate. Clinton names Joe the Camel as secretary
of agriculture.
20 -- The trade war ends with a total French capitulation after
Hillary threatens to place a 300 percent export duty on Jerry Lewis
movies.
26 -- Adding more woes to Britain's troubled royal family, a fire
strikes the Queen's clothes closet, destroying 4,317 hats with an
estimated street value of $11. Superman dies, probably as a result of
wearing the same underwear for 50 years.
29 -- NASA officials hope to see a boost for the troubled space
program as the Space Shuttle Adventuresome blasts into space on a daring
mission to repair a faulty hose in the $34.3 million Orbital Washer-
Dryer orbited in a daring mission the previous month. In other space
developments, the Giants threaten to move to Saturn.
------
DECEMBER
1 -- What begins as a friendly transitional get-together between the
Bushes and Clintons ends in tragedy when Millie ralphs up what is later
identified as Socks the cat. In space, astronauts replace the Orbital
Washer hose, only to discover that the Orbital Dryer has lost its $13.6
million Space Lint Filter. The Space Shuttle Opportunity immediately
blasts into orbit on a daring resupply mission.
3 -- Professional baseball's owners, meeting to set the 1993 schedule,
vote unanimously to eliminate the actual games so everybody can devote
full time to contract hassles.
5 -- NASA suffers another setback when both the Shuttle Adventuresome
and the Shuttle Opportunity develop severe blockages in their $21.7
million Space Toilets. Space officials order the Shuttle Determined to
blast into orbit and attempt a daring mission to deploy the experimental
$103.9 million Space Plunger.
8 -- Congress, seeking to ease the pain during difficult times,
approves a $34.7 million program to teach defeated and retiring
congresspersons how to deal with ordinary civilian life, including
courses on Paying For Your Own Meal, Parking With Common People, Not
Writing Checks For More Money Than You Actually Have, and How To Buy A
Postage Stamp And Attach It To An Envelope.
14 -- In Britain, rumors flare anew concerning the troubled marriage
of Charles and Diana after a tabloid newspaper obtains a tape-recording
of an intimate telephone conversation between Charles and a party he
refers to as "Weejums."
19 -- In a surprise Cabinet move, Bill Clinton appoints Gennifer
Flowers as secretary of human affairs. In space, NASA's daring space-
repair effort comes to naught when the commander of the Space Shuttle
Determined, upon reaching orbit, discovers that the craft is
unmaneuverable due to the fact that a previous commander accidentally
left "The Club" on the steering wheel. NASA officials immediately
order the Shuttle Reliable to blast into orbit on a daring mission to
deliver the key.
23 -- Britain is shocked by the revelation that "Weejums" is a polo
pony. The Supreme Court votes 53-1 to request more pornography cases.
24 -- The American Medical Association, concluding a 10-year study on
why health-care costs are rising so fast, reports that the fundamental
cause "could be a number of things," so "we're going to schedule some
tests," but there is no need to worry because "insurance will pay for
it." Reaching across party lines, Bill Clinton appoints Orrin Hatch as
Proctologist General.
25 -- Santa narrowly avoids a missile fired by the Cowpens.
26 -- Allegations of Japanese "dumping" on the U.S. auto market
flare anew when 9-year-old Jason Loogett of Memphis, Tenn., discovers a
Toyota minivan in his Cracker Jacks. In other business news, the Food
and Drug Administration announces a ban on molecules.
27 -- Superman returns to life on "Larry King Live."
28 -- In yet another setback for NASA, the Space Shuttle Reliable is
rammed by the Space Shuttle Exxon Valdez, which is 357,000 miles off
course.
27 -- Saddam Hussein purchases the Giants.
31 -- A grateful nation celebrates the end, at last, of a truly
bizarre year, unaware that the crack Middle East Peace Negotiating Team,
having done all it can for the former Yugoslavia, is now heading for New
York. Meanwhile, bands of white men in dark suits are converging on New
Hampshire to begin laying the groundwork for their bids for the 1996
presidential primary. Fortunately, however, serious campaigning is not
expected to begin until next week. Until then, have a Happy New Year.
________________________________________________________________________
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
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Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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The SURFPUNK Technical Journal is a dangerous multinational hacker zine
originating near BARRNET in the fashionable western arm of the northern
California matrix. Quantum Californians appear in one of two states,
spin surf or spin punk. Undetected, we are both, or might be neither.
________________________________________________________________________
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