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/* ========================================================================== */
/* */
/* U.A.E. Productions Proudly Presents: */
/* */
/* True B: a ST:TNG parody of "True Q" */
/* Written by Brian Keron */
/* */
/* ========================================================================== */
Announcer: Ahem! It is yet once again time for the all-amazing,
all-miraculous technical achievements, Star Truck: The Nextest
Germination! Today's episode is entitled TRUE B.
Picard: True B or Not True B, that is the question! PONTIAC is the answer!
Worf: <GRUNT> <SNARL>
Picard: Oh ... yeah ... wrong show ... Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship 'ENTERPRICE' ... umm ... Stardate
.. oops .. wrong page ... To boldly go where no data bus has dataed
before! except in a crash maybe ...
<Enterprise zooms by, a faint "YA MULE!" is heard, and it kicks into warp>
<Fade mercifully to a commercial>
-------------------------
A cat does the cancan and advertises how much he loves to eat canned cat food.
The only problem is this cat has been guarding a junkyard for the past 12 years
and now prefers stuff like the cat food *CANS*, and of course television
cameras. The commercial abruptly ends. ... A foxy babe tries to tell
you that brushing with "Liquo-Teeth" will help improve your love life.
Best of all, you can also use it to clean the toilet and any nuclear
waste.
-------------------------
SCENE 1: Cargo Bay [X] <sorry, missed the intro on this one>
Riker: Boy oh boy! look at those boxes piled precariously over there! I
think I'll go stand under them!
Amanda-Q: I hope those boxes do not fall on you, Riker!
Data: I think I will go stand under those boxes, too!
Q: Now's my chance! <snaps fingers - one of the boxes starts to fall>
Amanda-Q: Oh look! A box is falling on Riker! <has what appears to be a
massive muscle spasm, but she's doing it on purpose>
<The box veers out of the way and hits data>
Data: MMM! Spam-Lite! {Admit it, you saw it coming... -Ed}
-------------------------
SCENE 2: Ready Room
Picard: And well then we went to the little place, where they had lots
of funny little gadgets, and I went to a Romulan ship, and we shut
down and Data died and came back, and then the commercials came
on...and then the arabs came and bought mercedes-benzes, but they
were too big and fat, so saddam came and turned them all into oil
...
-------------------------
SCENE 3: Engineering
Data: ...And boy was it GOOD!
Geordi: Yes, well, let's play with the Warp Coil settings, shall we?
Amanda-Q: Hmm... I thought paltry guest stars weren't allowed in engineering...
Oh well, I'll just stick around and hope nothing disastrous occurrs!
Q: You said it, not me! <SNAPS FINGERS>
Data: Oh dear.
Geordi: Oops. Where'd this little bouncing ping-pong ball on the warp control
panel come from! Look! a little ambulance!
Warp Coil: BRARAJHGJKDK!! <explodes>
Amanda-Q: Oh dear! the warp coil exploded! THE WARP COIL EXPLODED! ARGH!
<has another muscle spasm>
Warp Coil: Never Mind.
<suddenly, Amanda-Q's muscle spasm causes 1000 pounds of moldy
"Spam-Lite" to appear, and land on data>
Geordi: What is that STUFF?
Data: It is ... It is ... <sniff> ... GREEN!
-------------------------
SCENE 4: Conference Room
Picard: And you're telling me the laws of good editing just went up in smoke?
Data: That is correct captain. It appears that some misfortune has
befell Brian, our loved "WRITER", and he has allowed rather odd
sentients .. er .. sentiments to creep into the text file...
Picard: Well, that can't be the case, Brian has the power of Ctrl-Y!
The laws of good editing forbid that such a thing occur!
Q: <materializing> Yes, mon capeetain, zey are so ... how do yoo say
... inconveenee-ent!
Brian: <also materializing> No you idiot! My batch file got all messed
up! I was experimenting with data compression by cross-linking all
the sectors on my hard drive ... two to one compression, you know!
Q: And ended up reloading me from system swap space, where I had been
waiting since stealing your precious Vash!
Brian: Anyways, yeah ... when I set up my electromagnetic interference
apparatus to write my 3rd parody, this Q suddenly appeared on my
monitor ... and interfering with my story! Oh well, it's his now!
<Vanishes in a puff of mold spores>
Q: Anyways, Mon Capeetaine, I am here not at my own request, nor at thy
bequest, as much as I would so love to see your brain explode....
Picard: GET ON WITH IT, Q! <Blood pressure doubles>
Q: ... I am here at the request of the Grand System Swapper judiciary
system, to deprive you of your newest guest star. It appears her
parents weren't actually subversive COBOL programmers after all,
they were just aliens... Q, that is.
Geordi: But why would they program in COBOL?
Q: It was the swapper's punishment for wanting to become human ... Such
a messy fate, isn't it? <Vanishes>
Troi: He's hiding something, captain. {what else were you expecting? -Ed}
Data: Interesting captain ... "Dissapears in a puff of mold spores"
... I believe he is attempting to reference an old earth RPG game ..
-------------------------
SCENE 5: Amanda-Q's quarters.
Amanda-Q: Just saying my standard guest-star stuff, so you know I'm
here. If I were on TV, you'd know I'm here, but since I'm not, I
have to say something to let you know I am...and to kill time...
Q: <appears in a puff of stack frames> TIME, did someone say TIME?
Amanda-Q: Uhhh ... yeaahh? .... so??
Q: This is your lucky day, mon mademoi-sell, I am here to tell you
you're not human! You're an aberration! an accidental alien
byproduct! Fodder to keep our ratings high and give me an excuse to
come back to haunt the enterprise!
Amanda-Q: I am?
-------------------------
SCENE 6: Ten-forward.
Data: Gurdy Gurdy Gurdy Gurdy!
<A plate and a popcorn popper sit before him. On the plate is some
SPAM-Lite, and in the popcorn popper is ... unpopped popcorn!>
Guinan: Data .. You're scaring my customers away!
Guinan's Hat: <CHIRP!>
Data: Poppada Poppadecorn! <Picks up SpamLite, puts in popcorn popper
with the popcorn, picks up the popcorn popper, throws it up in the
air, and phasers it> Poppadecorn Poppa!
<Burnt SpamLite, mixed with now-popped popcorn, is flung into
whatever faithful ten-forward goers there are left>
Gonzo: Good one, Data!
Data: Who are you?
Gonzo: uh-oh! <disintegrates in a pile of bellybutton lint>
-------------------------
SCENE 7: Amanda-Q's Quarters
<Picard, Riker, Q, Worf, and Amanda-Q are here>
Picard: And what's more! He made a cigar appear in my nose! Seized my
vessel! Turned me into Robin Hood, and Worf here into a merry man!
Worf: I *MUST* protest! I am NOT a merry man!
Q: THEEZE are the complaints of a narrow mind ... Seized my vessel ...
SEEZED my vessel!
Picard <who hadn't stopped talking>: ... Put us all down unarmed on a
planet to face some ridiculous foe! Killed worf and wesley as a
result ... er ... never mind ...
Wesley: I heard that!
Q: Ah, but RIKER brought him back! Now, my darling, is off to the
swapper continuum! <grabs Amanda-Q>
<Amanda-Q sends him hurtling through the door>
<Picard phasers Riker for bringing wesley back to life>
Amanda-Q: hahahaaa! that was fun!
Q: Well! <vanishes>
-------------------------
SCENE 8: A hallway
MegaQ: Q! Your report!
Q: Well, give her a little while longer ... but I think there's the
distinct possibility we won't have to reroute her to the bitbucket..
<Both vanish>
Troi: The bitbucket! I knew he was hiding something!
-------------------------
<fade to commercials>
Big fat ugly guy sticks vacuum cleaner in his ear, turns it on. He
deflates into a little shrimpy ugly guy. "Now dieting is free! AND you
can eat whatever you want!" ... Guy wearing pumpkin appears, advising
you that since it's halloween, he suggests you stay up late to watch
"Godzilla vs. Dracula: Suck or Stomp" ...
Ross Perot <heretofore known as Perogie>: The bush-man and slick willie
couldn't do it! Only I could blow so much money on wasting my time on
this silly election thing ya catch me! Think how many martinis I could
have bought! I care about America! elect me!
-------------------------
SCENE 9: Somewhere on a tape backup drive
Brian: Zardaafrazzin' sassafrassin' no good dang frippindangadingdong!
{some words changed to protect the innocent - Ed}
Swap me out to tape drive will he! well, I'll teach him! I've
got the power of B! {and of Ctrl-Y! - Ed}
Perogie: I know what yer hearin, ya catch me! Hahaaaahahahaheeeheehoo!
Brian: Ahh, relief! <vanishes>
Perogie: Hey waidaminut! yer not gunna leave me down in these here
basement now are ya! can't be done! ya catch me! So this is the
way it is is it? I thoughts we were here to discuss politics!
many blood-sucking parasites! ya catch me!
-------------------------
SCENE 10: Amanda-Q's quarters
Amanda-Q: Gee, I remember the last time I saw toto ... it was right
before the Tornado touched down in our home in Kansas...
Q <materializing>: Well, since you're a Q, you can bring your toto back!
Amanda-Q: Gee, how!
Q: Easy ... close your eyes and think nice thoughts about snips and
snails and puppy dog tails ...
Amanda-Q: But that's Troi's job!
Q: Alright ... you got me ... think about your little puppy ...
<Guinan's hat materializes>
Amanda-Q: It's my puppy!
Riker <Barging in>: Hello there Amanda, what's Q doing here?
Q: Discussing whether you'd die of an alien VD, I suppose...
Riker: That's not nice! I'm leaving!
Amanda-Q: <salivating> an alien VD! how exciting! are you sure you
don't want ... to... stay ... here ... with me? <puddle of drool on
floor>
Riker: No, thank you... Don't like your company... <Leaves>
Q: How disgusting! You're attracted to that oaf! But he's so ... so
... hairy! Babboons on earth millions of years ago had hair! Don't
date below your species, dear!
Amanda-Q: <sigh>
Q: Anyways ... on with the lesson ...
-------------------------
SCENE 11: Ready Room
Troi: I told you I knew he was hiding something! and he was!
Picard: For the last time, Troi, I believe you!
Troi: He's hiding something, captain! I knew it!
Picard: Security to captain's ready room!
-------------------------
SCENE 12: Engineering
<Data and Geordi are examining the SPAM which last fell on data>
Data: and after some extensive scanning, testing, and parallel sensory
input recursion subprocessing feedback iterative loop synthesizing,
I have come to the conclusion that it is... it is ... GREEN ...
Amanda-Q: <materializing in a puff of muscle-spasms> Damn! where is
that Q? <looks at two watches strapped to her wrist> Damn Damn!
where is that Q?
Q: <appearing from inside data's nostril> You're just not thinking
fourth-dimensionally marty - er - Amanda!
<both disappear in a puff of colourful vocabulary>
Geordi: What? no flying delorian?
-------------------------
SCENE 13: Bridge
Picard: Captain's log. I have just taken over the bridge again, having
emerged from my ready-room for the first time in eight years. I
remembered that we were actually supposed to have a mission to do.
<sets course> now, after stopping at Wal-Mart for discount spam-lite
for data, we were supposed to go somewhere ... something about a
planet with an atmosphere ... Ensign, set a course for the nearest
possible planet with an atmosphere, and continue searching until it
looks like we found one that not even wesley could save ...
Ensign Bimbo: OK captain, but it'll take 836 years ...
Picard: What?
Ensign OtherGuy: I shall endeavour to assert to Data the necessity of
endeavouring to speed up the process ...
-------------------------
SCENE 14: Engineering
<Here the warp coil is seen, with prodigious amounts of duct tape all
over the seams>
Data: I believe I know how I could speed up the process sir.
Ceiling: How?
Data: Why don't we just set course for the planet we're receiving an
emergency signal from?
Ceiling: absolutely brilliant, Data!
Data: Thank you, sir.
Amanda-Q: <to Geordi> .. and I can't make up my mind whether to be an
alien psychotic like Q, which I admit sounds kinda fun ...
Troi: I heard that!
Amanda-Q: ... or to stay here and go through starfleet academy, having
to rob convenience stores with a photon torpedo in order to afford
the tuition ...
Troi: Perhaps you should have saved up instead of buying that
shuttlecraft ...
-------------------------
SCENE 15: Bridge
Picard: Set course for that planet thingy at warp 4 - this is an
emergency, you know!
Ensign Bimbo: Course laid in, sir.
Picard: <drum roll starts up> Make it so.
Q: <appearing> Hello, Mon Capitaine! we have SO much to catch up on!
Picard: Q! Get off my Bridge, Dammit!
Q: But the view of the river is so pretty from up here ...
Picard: NOW!!
Q: So touchy! I know two people who'd be really grateful to be here on
the bridge with you instead of me ...
Picard: Make it so! and HURRY!
Q: OK. <dissappears> <Wesley and Bill Gates reappear>
Picard: Argh!!! ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Brian <materializing>: Well, I must admit, haven't seen any sweat run
down that mirror-glazed head of yours lately ... Maybe it'll liven
things up a little around here ...
Picard: Get rid of them, Please!
Brian: Sorry, you asked for it! <vanishes, chuckling>
-------------------------
SCENE 16: Amanda-Q's quarters
Amanda-Q: And he says it'll be real nice, and I can do whatever I
want, and there'll be acid .. er .. aphids enough for everybody!
Troi: He's hiding something, Amanda.
Amanda-Q: Oh, well. At least he promised he wouldn't summon Bill
Gates to torture me to death, like you said he was thinking he
would...
Troi: No, I just said he'd reroute you to the bitbucket ...
Amanda-Q: Bitbucket, Microsoft Products, what's the difference?
-------------------------
SCENE 17: Transporter Room 0x1A
O'Brien: Hmm ... now how does this damn thing work?
Picard: I don't care, you just have to beam up Ambassador Mushforbrains.
O'Brien: Well, how about this? <plays with the controls> <large black
bear appears> AARGH!
Picard: Security to transporter room 0x1A!
Worf: <entering> Teddy! How'd you get here?
Teddy: <GROWF> <GRUMBAMUMBA> <licks worf on the forehead plates>
Worf: Come along now teddy, and I'll give you some nice Ensign Stew!
Teddy: <GROWFAMUMBA> <GRUMBA> <looks at Picard>
Picard: Don't even THINK about it!
Worf: O'Brien. May I suggest that next time you do *NOT* set your
coordinates for the Klingon home world? next time you might not get
something friendly... <Worf and Teddy leave>
O'Brien: Pay no attention captain ... just a friendly ... joke ...
<Plays with controls and beams aboard Mushforbrains>
Picard: It better be, or it's transfer time for you ...
Mushforbrains: What? <COUGH> You can't transfer me! <HACK>
-------------------------
SCENE 18: Bridge
Mushforbrains: ...and our atmospheric cleansing devices are down...
Geordi: I'm sure that if you provide us with technical schematics, the
empirical amperage absorbing redecimatorinateralization system settings ...
Mushforbrains: All I know is it's a scrubbing device ...
Planet <on the main viewer>: Archgack! Help! I'm choking! We need
oxygen! aargh! HACK! COUGH! .. casualties at 40 trillion and rising
... GACK! HACK! cough!
Amanda-Q: Gee, I wonder what I'm on the bridge for ...
{We wonder too, Amanda ... -Ed}
Geordi: I know! we could beam down the air filtration system Worf's
wearing to prevent us all from dying of halitosis!
Picard: Make it so! <he does>
Enterprise Bridge Crew: HACARK! Orangutang Breath! HACK! COUGH!
Q: <materializing> Amanda, if you ever use your powers, you will have
to come back with us...that is the decision of the continuum. God,
what stinks! .. oh, it's worf ... must've been all those books, eh
microbrain?
Worf: <SNARL> <CHOKE>
Planet: HACK! CHOKE! It exploded and is scattering organic mutating
highly contagious viruses over the planet! We're all going to die!
Bill Gates: How about that windows!
-------------------------
<Fade to commercials>
Big fat ugly guy tries to sell you "frsh" cucumbers, ecxept that they've
already decomposed into slush-filled green bags ... Some duded-up
cowpoke gets thrown into orbit by a bull. That's a good reason not to
eat beef. There'll be less of these guys on the planet ... Slick
willie, with eyes periodically crossing, tells you why you should elect
him. "If I can manage inbred mountan people, I can manage the US."
Suspicious smoke wafts up in the background. The wall behind him is
covered with crude religious symbols.
-------------------------
SCENE 19: Bridge <again>
Amanda-Q: I know! <Has a muscle spasm> <planet clears up> <scrubber
reappears on Worf> <bill gates vanishes> <wesley vanishes>
Q: But now you have to come with me! The experiment shall proceed as planned!
Amanda-Q: Whaddya mean, experiment?
Q: We're not allowed to test on animals. It's either you or my rubber
duckie. Come along!
Brian <materializing>: 'Fraid not, Q. Scuttlebutt has it she has to
stay 'normal' for a sequel ...
Q: But why?
Brian: Just in case they ever have to wrap up the show in 15 seconds
again ... like on next week's show ... 'Rascals' ...
Q: Oh well .... Guess it wasn't meant true B. Ah! my good friend
Riker! ... Do I have a gift to offer you! ........
Riker: Not again!
=======================================================================
THE END. Credits:
Nabob & Jolt: For providing the most enriching experience of my
life my stomach lining ever survived to enjoy ...
Next Week: Picard. With Dandruff.
