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Sub Space 9208_C12
"Time's Toilet- Part One"
By Robert I. Brayer
This parody is new to me, it is, instead of a
follow-up, an actual full parody of the episode. So the course of
the action will be clear, but I don't think it will spoil anything.
The reason this is
needed is because with the others I had a clear ending, and so I
could follow-up. This has two parts, so I am going a different
route, the second part will continue this, to follow "Time's Arrow-
Part Two".. hopefully both episodes, and both parodies will not be
disappointing as we've had in the past ;)..
-=-
SCENE I
(We see a cavern of sorts, in enter Picard, Data, and another man
who appears to be excavating the sight)
Picard: All this information seems fairly trivial.
Man: We have not shown you one thing.
Picard: Well?
(The man motions towards an object with a sheet over it, he reveals
it)
Picard: My God!
Data: Fascinating.
(The men see a Toilet, but not just any toilet- the toilet is the
special Enterprise (TM) Toilet. We can see the Enterprise markings
on this toilet, not only that- but Data's personal "I was here,
3/4/2146" marking.)
Picard: This can only mean one thing...
Data: What?
Picard: Two-Part Episode.
-=-
(We see lots of stars and hear lots o pretty noises)
Voiceover(Patrick Stewart): Space, the final frontier, these are
the cliffhanger parodies of the Starship Enterprise, it's
continuing mission, to have bad part twos, to seek out excuses to
get Wesley in a cameo, to boldly go where only Star Trek the TV
show, Star Trek the Animated Series, Star Trek the movies, Star
Trek the Breakfast Cereal, And Star Trek the pillow have gone before!
WOOSH!
-=-
(After a nice commercial break)
SCENE II
(We see the toilet sitting on a counter as Geordi, Picard and
others anaylze it)
Picard: I just cannot believe...
Data: I am quite happy about it actually.
Geordi: Why?
Data: I have always loved my toilet as my own. But I am immortal,
and so is my precious crapper. I had wished it to rest in peace
after it had served it's time. Now I know it will.
Geordi: Yeah, but there's only one problem.
Picard: What?
Geordi: I think I can see where this is going.
Data: Where?
Geordi: You'll go back in time, find Guinan and discover she is the
holy janitor of all time, the toilet jokes will flow and it'll get
old.
Picard: How can you know that?
Geordi: I saw the actual Time's Arrow, the rest is conjecture. I
suggest we switch the parody.
Data: And how do we do that?
Geordi: Easy, first we get rid of the toilet.
Data: NO!
(Geordi press a few buttons and the toilet, and the parody idea are
"flushed")
Picard: That's what you get for following the script!
Geordi: But how do we make this a two part parody?
Data: Have one of those real annoying "To Be Continued"'s at the end.
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE III
Riker: Plot a course to the rerun system, warp 6.
Ro: Plotted.
(Picard and Data enter)
Picard: Not so fast! One episode to go!
Riker: <Sigh>
Picard: Plot course to Generic Sector 7 and put in a generic plot
line.
Ro: Yes, sir!
Scotty: She canna take it anymore, she'll blow sky high!
Picard: Scott!? What the HELL are you doing here?
Scotty: Cameo.
Riker: But in this century, you're dead
Scotty: Uh oh.
(Scotty implodes.)
Data: Now that those problems are solved, we may rendevezous with
that shuttle.
Riker: Shuttle?
Data: Yeah, the one right there.
(All turn towards the screen and there, indeed is a shuttle)
Picard: Where did THAT come from?
again!?
Picard: Does that Swahilli place deliver?
Data: I cannot take it anymore!
(Data bursts into tears)
Troi: There, There, Mr. Data, you're rusting your face.
(Data turns and looks at Troi)
Data: Shut up you tramp!
Troi<in shock and dismay>: Oh yeah! Well I prefer subs!
Data: <Growl>
Geordi: Would you all just SHUT UP!?!?
(All turn in shock towards Geordi)
Geordi: That's better. I like a more beefy place...
Ro: Hey come on now, we've got to assume responsibility and find
these guys!
Picard: She's right, we have so many unanswered questions!
Data: Like how and why this happened?
Picard: No, like the sexual tension between me and Crusher! And
there's a few new Ensigns that just got transfered here that Riker
hasn't slept with yet! And Mr. Worf.. why we got some new prune
juice in just yesterday!
Geordi: We'll work on a solution, Cap'n. I promise!
-=-
SCENE IV
Crusher: So now that we're in these antique outfits, what do we do?
(We get our first glimpse, Riker is in a business suit with a
briefcase, and of course, bright orange pants.)
Riker: We have to assume their fashion sense, look at Worf; he
found what *HE* liked.
(We now see Mr. Worf, decked out in a brand spanking old, beautiful
Slayer t-shirt and some bright red bell bottoms)
Crusher: Ok, I hope we can blend..
Riker: This is New York. WESLEY could blend!
Wes: Hey I heard that!
(Wes implodes)
(Wild sustained cheers for a two-part implosion!)
Riker: Now, let's try and find a place to live.
(They stumble into the streets and find a place with a 'vacancy'
sign)
Riker: By the way, nice outfit.
(Crusher is of course, looking stunning in her "DRIP-O" Custom
T-shirt and sweater design..Remember..It's Drip-o..it's drip-o..it
makes stains feel their death! Drip-o! Drip-o! It killed a stain
named 'Beth')
Crusher: Thanks.
(A man comes out)
Another Man: Yeah, whatdoya want?
Riker: A room!
AM: A room? That'll be 10 million dollars american, up front for
the first and last month.
Crusher: Ok. (Pulls it out of her pocket and hands it to the man
who stares at her for a second)
AM: Heck, have the whole building, here's the keys- bye!
(The man runs off and buys a politician, whom he names 'Louise'.
Even though it's a male. He takes it on walks on occasion and
sometimes..if he's REAL good..let's him vote on issues)
Riker: <Shrug> Let's go!
(They all take their gear, mainly nothing, and inhabit a room.)
Crusher: Let's watch the tube.
(They turn it on and sit down)
(They see on screen a report on Murphy Brown)
Murphy: And I'd just like to say, that at least I can spell
'potato' so NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!(She breaks into convulsions
and is carried out)
Announcer: And here is the Vice-President's response.
Quayle: Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not a fictional character! So
NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!!!(He breaks into convulsions and is carried out)
(George Bush walks out)
Bush: That's what HE thinks!
Riker: I'm sick of this, let's change the channel.
(They do, on it is a commercial)
-=-
Big Fat Ugly Guy: BUY MY CARS!!! BUY MY CARS!! SURE THEY'RE USED!!!
SURE THEY STINK! AND SURE THERE IS ABSOLUTLY NO GUARANTEE THEY EVEN
START! BUT- AT LEE SPAZ'S AUSTRALIAN YUGOS- THAT'S THE POINT!
Announcer: Yes, at Lee Spaz's Australian Yugos, our entire purpose
is to sell you cars that *DON'T* WORK! Why settle for a normal used
car dealer that tells you it WILL work when you both know it won't?
Just come on down to Lee Spaz's Australian Yugos, where you pay
your money for honesty!
BFUG: WE'RE BUSTING PRICES! WE'RE *NUKING* PRICES!!
(We see a nice used car)
(We now see a huge nuclear warhead detonate on top of it)
Car: Ouch.
Announcer: Come on down and see us at LEE SPAZ'S AUSTRALIAN YUGOS!
Down on Stupid street and Lemon corner! Or call us! 555-JERK!
-=-
Crusher: From all this we can establish that there were a lot of
losers in the 20th century, did you know they ACTUALLY watched
'Full House' back then!?
Riker: What were they THINKING?! Anyhow, let's go look for the
toilet. It should be easy. How many toilets can there be in one city?
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE V
Crusher: 57 *MILLION* TOILETS!?!?! How can we *EVER* find the right
one?
Riker: Let's use Worf as a TOILET-HUNTING DOG!
Worf: <Growl>
Crusher: But how?
Riker: Simple. We feed him a lot and then don't let him go to the
bathroom until we find the right one! Won't take long.
Crusher: What a *GREAT* Idea!
Worf: <Whimper>
-=-
SCENE VI
Geordi: And if we reverse the positronic gravitons with the motor
viscosity of my left buttcheek we should be able to contain the
field.
Data: And what will that accomplish?
Geordi: The best salad dressing this side of Kansas!
Data: But what of the landing party?
Geordi: But what of Thousand Island?
Generic Techie: Come on guys! Figure out a way..
Data: Well, if we magnify the thermonuclear fire-breathing mutant
albino chipmunk caverat's time index we can bring them back with
only a minimum of damage to our Jargon dictionaries.
Geordi: Data- that's brilliant!
Data: I know. I'm an android!
-=-
SCENE VII
Picard: So what you're saying is, to bring them back from 1992, if
that's even where they ARE..we have to cut down the largest tree in
the forest with...a HERRING!?
Geordi: No no no! That's a different fictional series..
Picard: Oh sorry, we Brits, er French people...
(Geordi explains some more)
Picard: Oh..so all we have to do is beg Robert to come up with an
excuse?
Data: Pretty much.
Ro: What a great idea!
-=-
SCENE VIII
(On their 25 millionth toilet)
Crusher: What a *LOUSY* Idea!
Worf: <Grunt> Agreed! <Grunt>
Riker: Oh shut up! ..<sigh> Waitaminute!
Crusher: What?
Riker: It said, "Property of the NY Yankees"! It must be in Yankee
Stadium!
Worf: Now he tells me. Can I "go" now?<Grunt>
Riker: Very well.
Crusher: You do know he'll be in there for days.
Riker: We'll be back for him!
(They go to..YANKEE STADIUM!)
-=-
SCENE IX
Riker: Ahh..Yankee Stadium..haven't been here since..well ever.
Crusher: Can we go to the can now?
Riker: Won't a guy and a girl look suspicious going to the can in a
guy's bathroom?
Crusher: Suspcious? Anything, look suspcious, HERE!?
Riker: A fair point!
(They enter the bathrooms)
-=-
SCENE X
Picard: Oh please..please Mr. Parody man! PLEASE!!!!
Robert: I'm afraid not, you must first find the holy grail before I
can grant you any favors.
Picard: The HOLY GRAIL!? That was found by Indiana Jones years ago!
Robert: Er.. then get me some Pancakes! And then I'll *CONSIDER* it.
Picard: Thank you!!<slurp>
Ro: Who is that guy anyway?
Geordi: That's Robert I. Brayer, he makes 'Q' look like a teddy bear.
(Suddenly Q appears!)
Q: Hey! I heard that! Who *IS* this guy?
(Robert turns to Q)
Robert: Hi Q.
Q: Hey, it's Q!
(The two embrace in a hug)
Robert: Long time no see, Q!
Q: The same, Q!
Robert: Sorry this is also my beat, ..I write the songs..er
parodies..that make the whole world..er net...sing..er laugh..er
cry..er vomit..whatever
Q: I understand..but you know how it is, the continuum has been
cutting back lately on expenditures, do you get expenses?
Robert: I have a *GREAT* Dental plan.
Q: Must be nice being such a high ranked 'Q'
Robert: Yeah, though you never know when they're calling for you,
or any of the other Q's, it's like "Call for Q on line three!" And
5000 people answer!
Q: Frustrating. I have to consult my 'Q Manual'- By Carl Sagan(of
course)!
Robert: These guys want me to help them. Should I?
Q: No.
Robert: OK!
(Both vanish!)
The Enterprise Crew: AUGH!
-=-
SCENE XII
(Six days later)
Riker: Worf are you *DONE* in there yet?
Worf: <Grunt>
Crusher: <Sigh> We got the right one alright!
(Worf walks out with a grin on his face.)
Riker: <Sigh>
(Walks in and grabs the toilet)
Crusher: Now we take it to the cavern that we already found without
telling anyone in the parody.
Riker: And then we write "Data Wuz Here..6/1/1992" so we know how
we did all this.
Crusher: By the way, just why are we doing this?
Riker: Something to do while the Enterprise figures out how to get
us back...
-=-
SCENE XIII
(In the conference room)
Geordi<pointing at a chart>: So the problem is around the toilet in
space. If we can figure out a way to flush it we can probably bring
them back.
Picard: But if we get close to it - it will transfer us back in time!
Data: Exactly. Which is why we must use the most concentrated
phaser blast in the history of mankind.
Geordi: Yeah. Let's try it.
(All turn towards the monitor)
Picard: Fire.
(The shot flushes the toilet with prescise accuracy!)
-=-
SCENE XIV
Riker: Ok, we're all done..hey wait..we're being FLUSHED!!
Crushe
r: YOW!!
Worf: <GR
UNT>!!!!
(All three are sent through the mystery pipes with various bits of
sewage until they appear in mid space standing next to the toilet,
they are quickly transported to the bridge!)
Picard: Riker! Crusher! Worf! You're ok! Other then being dirty and
smelly as heck!
Troi: They're disgusting! Get em outta here!
Worf: <Growl>
Crusher: What a warm welcome!
Picard(to Data): How's that new BBQ place in the Andromeda cluster?
Data: They deliever so they can't be that bad..
-=-
THE END
STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE! NEXT WEEK!
(Well when else would it be?!)
(When suddenly Picard walks out)
Picard: Hey wait a second here! We never figured out why everyone
wa
s imploding!?
Announcer: Let's ask Robert...
(Robert appears!)
Picard: Great and mighty writer, why is everyone imploding.
Robert: The answer my friend is wise, it is simply a cheap cop-out
technique, like this!
(Picard implodes)
-=-
