Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Sub Space 9208_C11
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Measure Of A Tan"
An ST:TNG Parody of Episode #34("Measure Of A
Man")
By Robert I. Brayer
We, at RIB Productions, feel that Dr. Pulaski, in
her short period of time aboard the ship was roughly 300x more
interesting then a certain current doctor; and is owed tribute. And
so we turn to a Second Season episode.
-=-
SCENE I
(In Captain Picard's ready room, Picard is talking to an
Admiral-type)
Picard: We will be very happy to have someone of your distinguished
service and record here, Admiral Neverdie.
Neverdie: Oh stop kissing up! You just want to figure out a way to
kill me and take my pancake recipies.
Picard: I'd never do that!
Neverdie: You say it now; but then you've never had my stir-fry!
Picard: Batter dip?
Neverdie: Yes you are. Now shut up.
Picard: Yes, sir. <slurp>
Neverdie: Are you going to beam me over?
Picard: In a minute.
-=-
SCENE II
(The transporter room, Picard, Riker, Data, Geordi, Worf, and Dr.
Pulaski are waiting patiently)
Picard: Transporter Guy, beam the Admiral over here!
Transporter Guy: Yes sir!
(He punches a few buttons, and a familer figure appears)
Ross Perot: Who the hell are you? Where's the alien I'm meeting with?
Picard: TG! That's not the Admiral!
TG: Sorry sir; Oldguy Express; sometime messes up- trying again.
(A few more buttons, the Admiral appears)
Admiral: What took so $#$(#$ long Picard!?
Picard: I was er.. in the can.
Pulaski: My my, someone put their DEPENDS on wrong today didn't they?
All But Worf: <Gasp>
Admiral: Who's this one?
Riker: <Gulp> Oh..that's.. Ensign Wesley Crusher!
Wes on intercom: Hey!
Pulaski: Thanks, I'm perfectly capable of insulting this old fart.
Admiral: You're just begging to be on LA Law, mister!
Pulaski: Mister? Ha! You'd never follow through.
Admiral: <Growl> Just show me to my quarters.
Picard: Er, yes, (makes throat cutting motion to Pulaski)
-=-
SCENE III
(Walking to his quarters, obviously.)
Data: So, Admiral, did you enjoy your voyage.
Admiral: About as much as removing a tumor.
Troi: I sense a good mood.
Admiral: I sense a useless character.
Geordi: So, <nervous cough>, what business are you here for?
Admiral: I was going to indite someone, but now that I'm here I
have a message for you, Geordi, my wife wants her hair pin BACK!
Worf: <Growl>
Admiral: Woof-woof, Lt.
Picard: Er..here we are..Admiral...
(Opens door)
Picard: As you can see, our normal, spacious cabin.
(The cabin looks vaguely like what we would call in the 90's, a
dream house. It is furnished with several, small, but noteable
saunas. Besides the luxury that allows several crewmembers to kick
back after a hard day in the holodeck)
Geordi: What do you think?
Admiral: <Grumble> It'll have to do I suppose! When's the
inditement to take place?
Picard: Inditement?
Data: I believe the word refers to..
All but Worf: SHUT UP.
Data: No.
Picard: Uh, who are you inditing?
Admiral: It was going to be the WRITERS, but now that I think of
it, howabout Pulaski!
Pulaski: Hey! Just because I'm 200 years younger then you!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Er, Dr. That's not a good idea...
Dr. That's not a good idea: Yes?
Picard: Huh?
(The Dr. That's not a good idea implodes)
Admiral: Grand session tomorrow; Holodeck! Two Pm! Don't be late!
Refreshments will be served! RSVP!
Data: Will there be "SPAM-lite"?
Admiral: No.
-=-
SCENE IV
(The Holodeck, the inditement is ready to take place, already
arrived are most of the enterprise crew, The good Admiral and a
buncha Admiral Recruits, from Admiral Training School, Slogan:
"Where the best never get old, we just send diplomats to do our
work", The Admiral coughs to start the ceremony)
Admiral: The Grand inditement and generally bad court martial of
Dr. Pulaski will now commence.
Pulaski: What is the charge!?
Admiral: Being a nusiance, bugging me and your captain, and
impersonating an Admiral!
Pulaski<confused>: Which admiral is that?
Admiral: One Admiral Leonard McCoy.
Pulaski: How did you..er..nevermind..
Admiral:<cough> The defense will be taken care of by Mr.
Worf..and..
Worf: <Grunt>!?!?
Rest Of The Crew: <Grunt>!?!?!?!
Rest Of The Ship<at once>: <GRUNT>!?!?!?
Home Viewers: <GRUNT!>??!?!?!?!?
Troi: He's hiding something.
The crew, the ship and the home viewers: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Admiral: That's right, Mr. Worf, and the prosecution will be taken by
one Capt Jean-Luc Picard.
Riker <to Pulaski>: You're gonna fry.
Pulaski: <growl>
Admiral: Capt. Picard will start with the opening arguments..
Picard: <Ahem>, It would seem that one Katherine Pulaski has been
extremely annoying since her first episode, "The Child", she seems
to really believe she is one Admiral McCoy, this is sad..
Pulaski: <Puts her head in her hands>
Picard: ..and with severe psychological treatement and the
cancelling of her contract we should see improvement.
Admiral: Alright, Mr.Worf?
Worf: <Gulp>... <Grunt>, <Grunt> <Grunt> <Grunt> <grunt>..
Admiral: Interesting! I didn't know that..
Worf: <Grunt>..<grunt>..<GRUNT>...
Picard: I object!! He can't say that about my client!
Admiral: Jean-Luc, you have no client!!
Picard: I knew that.
Worf: And in conclusion..<Grunt> <Grunt> <Grunt> <Grunt>!!!
(The admiral begins to clap): Stunning!
Pulaski: <Sigh>
Admiral: And now for the evidence..Picard?
Picard: I present to you, Exhibit #1, a dead mouse.
Admiral: What relevance does this have to the case?
Picard: None at all, sir, I just felt like presenting it.
Admiral: Continue.
Picard: His name is 'Mortimer'
Admiral: CONTINUE!
Picard: Exhibit #2, this videotape, found in Dr. Pulaski's
quarters, titled "How to be like Bones".
Admiral: Please play it..
Picard: (slips it in)
(The face of a man comes up on screen..and some theme music.."Like
bones..like Bones..If I could be like Bones!!.. Hey Kids..if you
wanna be like Bones! Here's all you have to do! Lesson #1, Repeat
the following phrase, "He's dead, Jim!" 500 times. Ok, done?
Lesson #2: Now, bug your nearest vulcan!!..)
Admiral: I think we've heard enough!
Picard: Ok(stops it).. Exhibit #3- ...
Troi:<Dozes off>
(Troi begins to dream.. in the dream she is standing upon a
mountain..a glorious mountain, the air is incredible at these
heights and she inhales much, she takes a step forward to take in
all the beauty, and does not realize she is on the edge)
Troi: AGGGHH!!!!!!
(Troi starts to fall and roll down the mountain bouncing as she goes)
Troi: OW! OW! OW! YEEEOWWW!!!!!
(Troi hits a few rocks)
Troi: Ouch.
(She starts to convulse)
Troi: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
Troi: Glack!
-=-
SCENE V
Picard: Exhibit #69.. the hedgehog..
Troi: <Cough> <Cough>
Riker: Troi, are you ok?
(Troi turns to Riker....and yes..coughs a hairball in his face)
Riker: Augh! I didn't want THIS much hair..
Picard: Er..the state rests...
Admiral: Mr. Worf, please present your evidence ...
Worf: <Growl> <Grunt> <Grunt> Exhibit #1...<growl> <Grunt> <GRUNT>
(Worf brings out a picture of Picard, he looks at it grimly, he
then proceeds to eat it.)
Worf: <Grunt> We rest.
Picard: Charges dropped.
Admiral: hey! Waitasec! You can't do that!
Worf: <Turns to Admirals, takes out pictures of them, and eats them
all>
Admiral: Correction. You CAN do that.
Picard: Adjourned?
Admiral: Yeah. Adjourned..damnit.. I wanted to Court Martial
someone today!!! Augh!
Riker: Then Court Martial Troi!
Admiral: What for?
Riker: Hairballs and a CERTAIN annoying one-liner!
Admiral: Sorry..that's not a crime..or at least not a major
one..not one worthy of a court martial..
All but Troi: <Disappointed Groan>
Ro: Captain to the Bridge! Major emergency-type thing!!
(All vacate quickly!)
-=-
SCENE VI
(On the bridge)
Picard: Ok Ensign what's the emergency?
Ro: A Romulan ship is attacking us!
Picard: Open a channel..
Ro: Opened..
Picard: Romulan ship why the hell are you-
(A shot blasts the crewmembers into several comical positions, Troi
lands up on her back on the floor and Data is the only one who
shows no notice)
Ro: They're answering on line 6!
Picard: Put it on!
(A romulan looking guy comes on)
Romulan Guy: What!?
Picard: Why the hell are you attacking us!?
Romulan Guy: We're your enemies.
Picard: Yeah but you're in fed space!
Romulan Guy: Well in that case Jean-Luc I dunno.
Picard: Jean-Luc!? How did you know my name?
Romulan Guy: Er..I didn't.
Picard: You said it!
RG: It was a ..lucky guess!
Picard: A lucky guess!? Alright who are you really?
RG: I'm a Romulan Guy!
Picard: I know that what's your name?
RG: That IS my name!
Picard: Captain Romulan Guy?
RG: Hey my mother wasn't very original ok!? Got a problem with that?
Picard: Er, no. But still, how did you know my name?
RG: Worf told me!
Picard: How could he have done that!? He almost NEVER speaks, and
how did you even know who he was?
RG: Er...
Picard: You're not a Romulan!
RG: Of course I am a Romulan!
Picard: Then how could you have known all this stuff?
RG: Ok ok I watch your TV Show.
Picard: Our TV show.. but then how.. augh...
RG: Opening fire.
(Picard is a bit surprised and goes flying to the floor)
Picard: Why did you do that!?
RG: Just to see you fall. It was most humorous.
Pulaski: I *LIKE* this guy!
(Suddenly we see the back of a figure walk in and whisper something
into Romulan Guy's ear)
Picard: Hey who's that!?
(The guy turns around- it's- WESLEY! )
Picard: WESLEY!?
Wesley: Er..no! I'm a romulan!!
Picard: Wesley, no Romulan looks like you!
Wesley: I'm a defective! I'm being taken for surgery!
Picard: Ok Captain Romulan Guy, what's going on..
RG: Well Captain he got bored over there, so I invited him on board.
Picard: Wait a minute.. you're not a Romulan.. I know who you are
now!
RG: huh?
Picard: Why you're...
Ro: Transmission cut!
Worf: <Grunt>
(A blast rocks the ship)
Riker: Who is it, sir?
Picard: I think it's an old Ambassador friend of mine..(crash)
Pulaski: Waitasecond - What does *ANY* of this have to do with a tan?
(The Romulan Guy comes back on screen with Wesley)
RG: You know she's right..
Wes: Yeah, this is kinda lame, maybe we shoulda made the trial
longer.
Ro: I agree.. Who *WROTE* this thing!?
Riker: Some loser apparently!
(Suddenly a large flash of light and ROBERT I. BRAYER is here)
RIB: Ok, ok what's all the commotion!? Where's the jokes!?
Picard: After we lost the trial angle it all kinda fell apart.
RIB: Agh! Where's the tan!?
RG: What tan!?
RIB: The one on Worf's butt! That's what this whole thing should be
about!
Worf: <Growl>
Troi: You're hiding something!
RIB: Of course I am. But that's not the point.
Picard: But, then you mean- ... this has been about a court martial
for Pulaski!
RIB: It has!? Who's tampering with this thing? Go to the can for
five seconds and look what happens.. there's only one solution!
Wes: What's that?
RIB: Besides killing you? We have to all go back in time and
prevent the trial from ever happening, we then must examine Mr.
Worf's anus for his tan line. At this grand point we will all
recline in the blue room for a hearty meal of pancakes.
Data: Will there be "SPAM-Lite"?
RIB: No.
Riker: How do we accomplish this!?
RIB: I'm the writer I can do anything.
Worf: <Grunt> <Growl>(Takes out a picture of Robert, swallows it
and looks angrily at him)
RIB: Er..almost anything.
Picard: Then how can we get this parody back on track and involving
a tan?!
RIB: Who ever said it had to involve a tan?
Riker: Er, you did!
RIB: augh..
RG: SILENCE!!! I won't have anymore of this! I'm right in the
middle of destroying something!! I never get to destroy
anything(breaks down in tears)
Wesley: Yeah! Neither do I!
Worf: <Sympathetic Grunt>
RIB: Maybe we should just pull the plug.
(Troi walks over to RIB and coughs up a hairball on his chest.)
RIB: I think we can see the next course of action.
(The Parody implodes)
PROLOGUE:
Announcer: The Admiral was not bluffing. He may have lost the case,
but in Robert's esteemed sympathy for him having to be a part of
this parody, he granted him the right to banish Dr. Pulaski to the
land of LA Law where they tossed her down an elevator shaft. We
were extremely sorry they did not take Troi. And now, to make it
all complete:
(The Announcer Implodes)
-=-
STAY TUNED FOR SEASON 5 OF ST:TNG AND THE
PREMIERE STRAIGHT SEASON OF THESE PARODIES, Every week! And then
the same with DS9! Bleah.
