Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Sub Space 9208_C06
RIB Productions..
Proudly Bring To you
"Q-Hick"
An ST:TNG Parody of Episode #93("Q-Pid")
By Robert I. Brayer
Imagine if you will- Q, But this time he's not
messing with Robin Hood!
-=-
SCENE I
(In the pretty transporter room, Riker watches a guest become
transported in)
Riker: Welcome Ms..?
Vash: Vash. No last name.
Riker: Ok Vash..Let's go see the Captain I'm sure he'll be very
happy to see you..
-=-
SCENE II
(Picard is trying to dictate a speech on the asthetic value of
chipmonks..he is struggling for words)
Picard: The beauty of these beasts is unparalled- why their
nut-eating is so.. no.. darn! I'd better not put it that way..
(Riker knocks and comes in)
Riker: You have a guest, Sir
Picard: Augh! Is that Sy again? I don't WANT any!
Riker: No, no! It's ...
(Vash walks in)
Vash: Hey Jean-Luc!
Picard<Flabergasted>: Why it's Vash! I'm so happy I'm going to go
on and ADLIB the entire speech! Who needs plans!(Runs and grabs
Vash and pushes Riker out of the room)
Riker: Hey-
(...)
-=-
SCENE III
(The bridge, Riker is in command, his usual cool collected self)
Riker: I said no anchovies!!!
Pizza Delivery Boy: Sir, those aren't ancho-
Riker: Enough! No tip!
Pizza Delivery Boy: But, I don't WANT a tip so nyah!
Riker: Why not?
(Flash of light, puff of smoke- wow.)
Q: Because Q'ing gets MUCH better tips!
Riker: Q!
Data: Q!
Ro: Q!
Geordi: Q!
Riker: Geordi get off my line!
Geordi: Sorry, it's a slow day.
Riker: Q what do you want here!?
Q: Oh nothing.. a taco or two.. perhaps I'll introduce you to
another annoying enemy or maybe- if you're REALLY lucky I'll tell
some good jokes and make this a half-decent episode!
Data: We do not need your charity!
Riker: Shh.. I think we may.. But the captain isn't gonna like this!
-=-
SCENE IV
Picard: <Grunt> <Grunt>
Vash: <Grunt> <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE V
(Ten-Forward, Guinan is dancing around seductively with her hat on
the ground collecting tips)
Stupidguy: Yeah !! (Throws his friend into the hat)
Guinan: Sorry I don't take Dumbguy Express!
(Data walks in- Guinan quickly dives down - grabs her hat and
majestically launches into her regulation outfit before Data can
see anything)
Data: Light?
Guinan: Light.
(Guinan grabs a beer and throws it to Data)
Data: I wanted a SPAM lite!
Guinan: <Sigh> What's on your mind Data?
Data: I wanted a SPAM lite!
Guinan: Oh no, one of those speech glitches like a broken record,
luckily being a hugely superior mentally-talented bartender, I can
fully understand him. Q you say?
Data: ..a SPAM lite!
Guinan: No not Q... He's so annoying! And I'm the all-powerful
around here!
Data: I wanted a -
Guinan: And now back to your regularly scheduled SCENE VI
-=-
SCENE VI
(Breakfast in Picard's Cabin..Riker knocks on the door)
Picard: Come.
Vash: Again?
(Riker walks in)
Riker: Sir..I have bad news.
Picard: Oh no! Don't tell me- Guinan went on a killing spree again.
Riker: No it's-
Picard: Ok,.. Worf said his second word! No that's good news..
Riker: Actually-
Picard: We're being beaten in every market by Full House?
Riker: NO DAMNIT! Q IS HERE!
Vash: Who the heck is that?
Picard<sighing>: Oh just a semi-deity who likes to jerk us around.
(Q pops out of NOWHERE)
Q: Hey hehey..I prefer 'Demi-God'
Picard: Q! What do you WANT?
Q: I want Troi.. I want...oh yeah..sorry..rerun ramble.
Picard: But-
Q: Oh you're so boring..see you later!
(Poof)
(Picard and Vash basically kick Riker out into the hallway)
Riker: Boy, I wish he'd have given me time to tell him about the
binary stars that we are on a dead ahead course for that we can't
change. Oh well- that's life.
-=-
SCENE VII
Vash: <Grunt> <Grunt> <Urp.>
Picard: <Grunt> <Grunt> <Slurp.> I LOVE pancakes!
-=-
SCENE VIII
(Ten-Forward again, many important people are gathered for a very
important lecture on the asthetic beauty of various Earth animals,
Speaker #1 begins..)
Speaker #1: The leech is truly a beautiful animal..
(Speaker #2)
Speaker #2: Ah yes.. the vulture
(Speaker #3)
Speaker #3: Let us not forget the dead cat...
(Finally Picard's turn begins)
Picard: Oh.. the Chipmonk.. one of the few animals to be made into
animation.
Spectator: Hey! Many animals went into animation!
Picard: One of the few animals that had two similer friends!
Other Spectator: Huey, Duey, and LUEY!
Picard: One of the few animals that was in an animation rock band!
Another Spectator: MouseTv! MouseTV!
Picard: One of the few animals I have a dead version of.
(Whips out a dead chipmonk)
Picard: Nyah!
(Suddenly a rope appears in Dr. Crusher's hand! And then spurs and
a hat on Data! Worf is suddenly dressed as a cowboy and Troi starts
to say "ya'll")
Picard: What is going on!
(Q pops in)
Q: I'm saving you from your own speaking ability Jean-Luc!
(Suddenly they are all in a large arena, mysteriously, Data is
missing)
Picard: Where are we?
Troi: Where's da, Data?
-=-
SCENE IX
(In a stall, we can see Data in a cowboy outfit sitting on- a horse?)
Data: What am I doing here?
(The gates release)
Data: AYIEE!
(Data is thrown from the horse right next to his companions.)
Riker: Data!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Q what's going on here!
(Q pops in)
Q: Why sir, you're at a rodeo, I'd advise you leave because you
stink.
(Many fans start throwing things down, Worf gets hit with a tomato)
Worf: <Growl> <Growl> <Grunt>
(The Enterprise crew race out of the arena into the parking lot)
Riker: What is this?
Data: I believe it is an ancient Earth parking lot.
Picard: Good. Can we make camp here?
Data: I believe so, those large aparatsus should provide very
adequete shelter.
Troi: Ya'll- he'sa hidin something that varmint!
All but Worf: SHUT UP!
(The crew all get under the cars and go to sleep- hours later the
cars drive off getting a lot of oil and gas all over them as well
as a lot of beer that was spilled from happy drunks, the next
morning-)
-=-
SCENE X
(After cleaning themselves up)
Riker: They could have at LEAST let us have some of the beer.
Picard: ()#$*)#$*)@(*
Data: There should be some purpose as to why we are here.
Riker: I always thought it was sex.
Crusher: Me, I thought it was so we could eat twinkies.
Geordi: Personally, I think we are all here to enjoy the spirtual
beauty of life.
All but Data and Worf: FREAK!
Data: I did not mean why we are here, I meant why we are in this
specific place!
Picard: Oh.. Q! At least tell us why!
(When suddenly a pickup truck pulls in, and Q hops out with a corn
stalk in his pocket and a Randy Travis T-shirt on)
Q: <hic> Ifya wanna see yer girl again go to da rusty sattle for a
showdown at medium noon!
Picard: I know when high noon is but when is medium noon?
Q: Don't confuse me ! Just be <hic> there.
(Q hops in his truck and drives off)
Data: Our, "girl"?
Picard: VASH!
Troi: Partner I would suggest we get some guns.
Picard: Why look there on the ground! There just happens to be some
weapons! And a note(reads it), it says "Put here by PARODY
SHORTENERS Inc." Well here have one each(tosses a gun to each of
the people) But first, I say we go to the Wal-Mart.
Data: Why.
Picard: It is our way.
(And so they do, they indulge in many fine CDs until they realize
they have no CD player and so, they throw the CDs down and leave)
-=-
SCENE XI
(The Rusty Saddle bar- Vash is tied to a seat)
Vash: You'll never get away with this!
Q: I'm a diety! Who can stop me?
Vash: The writer! He's ABOVE Diety!
Q: Nyah!
Vash: Who are you anyhow?
Q: I am a man who is so powerful I don't waste my time on a longer
name.
Vash: Wow!
Q: They call me 'Q'
Vash: They call me 'Vash'.
Scotty: They call me 'Scotty'. And she canna take it anymore!
(All turn towards Scotty)
Scotty: Er..
(Scotty implodes)
Q: Don't worry, your big strong Jean-Luc will be here to save you!
Vash: Jean-Luc!? Strong? Big? <starts laughing>
Q: Now you see why I'm so confident.
-=-
SCENE XII
(The sharpshooters are practicing)
Picard: Fire, Dr.
Crusher: (boom)
Data: Ouch.(Clunk.)
Riker: There goes our use of Data..
Picard: Strap him to the roof of the pick-up.
Geordi: Yessir!(Does so)
Worf: <Grunt>
Troi: Ahsir..the little hand is near the twelve..
Picard: Well then let's go!
(Picard jumps in the driver's seat with Riker by his side, Geordi,
Crusher, Troi and Worf are in the back.. )
Picard: Engage!
Riker: Sir, I don't think that will work!
Picard: Damnit I said ENGAGE!
Riker<Turning key>: You sure you know what you're doing?
Picard: Of course!
(The drive ensues, Picard only hits a few cars and, miraculously-
only 1 human! They make their way to the Rusty Saddle, which it
turns out is a bar. They all hop out)
Geordi: Sir, should we just keep Data there?
Picard: We'd better, he's starting to salivate!
Data: Pancakes..pancakes...
Riker: Let's go in, follow me men!
Picard: No, Follow me!
Riker: ME!
Picard: ME!
(They squabble for a few days and eventually the rest of the gang
push them in)
-=-
SCENE XIII
(We can see Q waiting to greet the group he puts his hand near his
holster)
Q: Welcome Jean-Luc! Draw!
Picard: I want pancakes!
Q: No pancakes
Waitress: What kind of pancakes.
Q: Hey! This is my bar!
Waitress: Yeah but you don't need tips!
Guinan: Go Waitress!
Picard: Guinan!? What are you doing here?
Guinan: Selling drinks!
Picard: Are you selling pancakes?
All but Worf: SHUT UP ABOUT THE PANCAKES!
Worf: <Grunt>
Q: Alright now, on the count of 3 ..draw!
Picard: Ok!
Q: Oh by the way- If you lose Vash dies.
Picard: <Gulp>
Q: 3..2..
(Worf pulls out a bazooka and shoots Q)
Q: Augh.
Worf: I want my pancakes.<Growl>
Q: Very well have your pancakes!!
(Many pancakes appear Worf and all the others indulge themselves)
-=-
SCENE XIV
Data: I wanted a SPAM lite!
-=-
Voiceover: And so, Vash and Picard reunited happily and the couple
downed several pancakes in a giant pancake costume party. Worf
dressed up as an entire IHOP! It was a grand old time that only the
grinch Q didn't enjoy
(Q pops in)
Q: Oh shut up! First they ruin the borg! Then my adventure! All
over pancakes? I think I'm gonna destroy all the pancakes in the
universe<Fuming>
Voiceover: And so Q disappered!
Q: Did not!
(Q disappers)
And all was fine..until...
-=-
NEWS BULLETIN:
AYATOLLAH DECREES DEATH FOR BRAYER
-=-
-Ocoee, Iran
The Ayatollah Hickeomami declared death to Robert
I. Brayer Tuesday due to his recent parody, "Q-Hick". He has
decreed all true hicks to kill this "evil man" for violating the
principles of Vern, Prophet of Hickim. It is rumored that Robert is
currently in hiding with Salmon Rushdie.
-AP Wire Press.
(Note: The end was to make it clear: This was a joke..no
means to offend..I live in a VERY southern town<Ocoee> and it can
get on Northerner's nerves<Grin> !)
