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Sub Space 9208_C14
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Worf Of Fear"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Realm Of Fear"
By Robert I. Brayer
This parody deals with an illness that is plaguing
America, WORFOPHOBIA.
-=-
SCENE I
(A scene in Engineering)
Geordi: We're losing the containment field! Barclay- quick- reroute
all systems to our primary and auxilary thrusters!
Barclay: Yes..<stammer>..sir..righhhtt...<stammer>...away..sir!
(He does so)
Geordi: Phew. Thanks Barclay, it's good to have a cool head in a
crisis.
Barclay: <gulp>(Faints)
Geordi: So much for that..
(Suddenly Geordi notices Mr. Worf has entered the building.)
A loud speaker: MR. WORF HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING!
Worf: <Grunt>
Geordi and the rest of Engineering: WORF!
Geordi: What is it?
Worf: <Grunt>...<grunt>..<grunt> <gRuNt> <GrUnT>!!
Geordi: Understood, Lt. please clean your socks on the way out.
Worf: <Nodgrunt>.
(Worf suddenly rips out a guitar and starts to play)
Worf: A'one for the money..<grunt> <Grunt>...a two for the
show..(Worf begins to thrust his pelvis!)...a three to..<grunt>
<grunt> get ready now GO CAT GO!
Engineering: <Wild Sustained Applause>
Barclay: I think I'm gonna be sick.
(Barclay proceeds to vomit all over a control panel, oh well, it
didn't look important anyhow)
(Worf turns and leaves)
A loud speaker: MR. WORF HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!
Geordi: Reg..what's wrong..you look a little pale.. also you just
spewed on that control panel!
Barclay: Augh.(Faints again)
Geordi: Engineering to Sickbay, we need assistance down here.
Crusher: What for?
Geordi: Barclay spewed and fainted.
Crusher: So what else is new?
Geordi: Yeah but this time he did it on a control panel!
Crusher: I'll be RIGHT there!
-=-
SCENE II
(Sickbay, Crusher is having a conversation with Geordi while
Barclay sweats it out in the waiting room)
Crusher: There's nothing physically wrong with him.. except for the
hemmoroids.
Geordi: Could that be it?
Crusher: Doubtful. Inflammation seldom causes vomitting.
Geordi: So what's wrong with Reg?
Crusher: I think it's all psychological..
Geordi: Troi's field..I'll make an appointment.
(Meanwhile in the waiting room)
-=-
SCENE III
Barclay: Gee, O'Brien, I didn't know you were afraid of Network
Television, though I can see why..
O'Brien: I *WAS*. To defeat that fear I had to confront it.
Barclay: What did you do?
O'Brien: I watched 24 straight hours of "A Different World" and
"Herman's Head".
Barclay: My God..what was your motivation?
O'Brien: Well you see, I was the only qualified TV tester in an
entire huge sector, and the reception for FOX and NBC was horrible,
and so, while fixing the TV I had to endure watching those HORRIBLE
programs!! For 24 hours of work!! But it was either confront my
fear and get in the TV or let an entire sector go without Network TV.
Barclay: <shivering> .. I could never do that..
O'Brien: Sure you could! You just have to confront your fear.
Barclay: But it's ..different..
O'Brien: What are you afraid of, anyhow?
Barclay: I have this horrible fear of..
(Geordi walks in)
Geordi: Come on Barclay, we're going to Troi's office.
Barclay: Er..ok...
-=-
SCENE IV
(Troi is talking to Mrs. Psychowoman)
Troi: Now Cathy, have you gotten away from your fixation for
shoelaces yet?
Psychowoman: I worked real hard, and it's gone!
Troi: That's great.
PW: Except for one problem.
Troi: What's that?
PW: I've moved up to tube socks.
Troi: Augh.. don't make me cough up a hairball on you!
PW: NO! NOT THAT! I'LL NEVER WEAR SOCKS AGAIN!!
(Runs out screaming)
(Geordi and Barclay walk in..looking curiously at Cathy)
Troi: Works everytime. What can I do for you boys?
Geordi:(Explains the situation) ..now I'll leave you two to talk.
Barclay: Thank you for listening to me ..
Troi: It's ok..now what's wrong? What's causing you to have these
fits?
Barclay: ...it's...Mr..Worf. ...
Troi: You're afraid of Mr. Worf?
Barclay: Who *WOULDN'T* BE? Short of God...
(Suddenly we see a bolt of lightning, and the top of the Enterprise
parts to view a large figure strangely resembling George Burns
Troi: My God!
God: Yep. I just wanted to say, that if Worf ate a picture of me..
heck.. I'm used to people being afraid of *ME* ..that guy is
scary...but he DOES do a good Elvis impersonation.
Barclay: God almighty! My lord! Can you help me with this horrible
problem? Rid me of my phobia? Make me able to function around him
without fainting, vomitting, or both?
God: Well, I would, but it's my lunch hour. Bye.
(God disappers)
Barclay & Troi: AUGH!!!
(When suddenly we hear a little "knock")
Troi: Come.
Vash: Again?
(When suddenly Vash implodes)
(Somewhere on another deck, Picard feels a sense of grief)
-=-
SCENE V
Picard: How odd, I wonder why I just felt a sense of grief. Oh well.
-=-
SCENE VI
(The doors part,...it's Worf.)
Worf: <Grunt>
(Worf walks in slowly..)
Barclay: Uh oh...
(Barclay starts to sweat)
A Loud Speaker: MR. WORF HAS ENTERED THE ROOM!
Troi: Computer! Why is that announcement being made?
Computer: Following Standard Elvis Procedure And Protocal, Section
5.4, paragraphs 3 and 4.
(Worf rips out a guitar and starts into his Elvis routine)
Worf: <Grunt> Thy'xa.. Maykgx'la, aone..atwo...
Troi: Worf, that isn't Elvis!
Worf: <Grunt> Klingelvis.
Barclay: <Faint> Clunk.
Troi: Mr. Worf! You brute! You scared the weenie! Er, Mr. Barclay!
Worf: <Whimper>
Troi<in a scolding tone>: You've been a bad klingon. You get a
spanking!
(Somewhere on another deck, Riker feels a sense of excitement)
-=-
SCENE VII
Riker: How odd, I wonder why I just felt a sense of excitement. Oh
well.
-=-
SCENE VIII
Troi: He's afraid of you.. he'll get over it..just try not to be in
the same place as him!
Worf: <Grunt>..
(he walks out)
Picard: Picard to Troi! Emergency Psycho Situation on Deck 4!
Troi: Be right there!
(She leaves)
-=-
SCENE IX
(Troi walks onto Deck 4 and meets Cap'n Picard and Commander Riker)
Troi: Where's the emergency?
Picard: We just wanted an excuse to get out of your room with this
parody.
Troi: I see..is there anything odd?
Riker: Other then a strange sensation I and Picard had a while ago,
nothing.
Troi: Good. I'm glad everything is under control.
Riker: As long as our good Captain Picard is under control this
ship is in great shape, why did you know he once saved the entire
fleet with only a box of toothpicks and a jack-hammer?
Troi: That's great.. but ..
Riker: Yeah..nothing to worry about with him right here by my side!
(Riker pats Picard on the back, at that instant they all hit the
ground from a tremendous shake)
Picard: Picard to bridge! What the heck was that!?
Bored: Ensign Bored here, we just have been fired upon!
Picard: By who?
Bored: Er..the Klingons!
Picard: But they are our allies!
Bored: Er... scans indicate.. the Ferengi!
Picard: But the Ferengi ships look NOTHING like the Klingon ones,
how could you have made such an error?
Bored: Ok ok.. it's... the Cardassians..
Picard: What's going on up there? Who's in command?
Ro: Sorry to interrupt Captain.. the man's just babbling on, you
see- he's our navigator and he just made a wrong turn..and hit a
moon...
Picard: WHAT?!?!?!!?
Ro: Don't worry! It wasn't populated!
Riker: Not even with Gorgeous women that haven't seen a man in years?
Ro: Not populated besides that tribe of course. We just wiped them
all out.
Riker: <Breaks into tears>
Troi: Shut up Will!(Kicks him)
Bored: It was a fleet of 9 Romulan Warships all at once...
Picard: SILENCE!!!! Relieve Ensign Bored and get on with the parody!
Ro: Ok, oh but Sir, there's one more thing!
Picard: WHAT?
Ro: We're being hailed.
Picard: By who?!?
Ro: The Klingon place, sir- your order finally came.
Picard: Great!
(They all jump in a turbolift and go up to the bridge)
-=-
SCENE X
(The Klingon guy is on the screen)
Klingon Guy: Ok..who's got the Gagh?
Geordi: Me!
(The Gagh is beamed over)
KG: Ok.. who's got the "SPAM-Lite"?
All At Once: DATA!
(The "SPAM-Lite" is beamed over)
Data: I wanted a.. hey I got it!
KG: Who's got the tortured and beaten spleen of an albatross?
All At Once: WORF!
(Worf walks in and pulls out his guitar)
Worf: <Ahem> <Grunt>.. Kill me tender..<Grunt> ...Maim me true...
(Barclay walks in)
Barclay: Is my Salad here yet?(Notices Worf) AGH!!!!<Faint>
KG: What is *THAT* all about?
Picard: Nothing... now send over my order!
KG: Yes sir, one intestinal tract of a dolphin..
Ro: Sir we're getting a hail from Star Trek IV!
Picard: Ignore it..
(The tract and several other bits of food beam in)
KG: Ok..that'll be 6.5 million credits, plus tip.
Picard: Er...do you have a layaway plan?
KG: Layaway?
Picard: Yeah..I give you what we have now.. and we pay the rest
back in installments..
KG: What do you have now?
Ro: Well I've got $4.12 in spare change...
Worf: All I have is my collection of belly-button lint.<Grunt>
Barclay: AYIEE!(Runs out )
Troi: I have a ticket for one free ride-
Riker: I'll buy it!
Troi: ..on the Roller Coaster on Alpha Wedgie VI! Shut up
Will!(Kicks him)
KG: No no this won't do! I need money!
(Worf sighs and walks out to a turbolift whistling "Hound-dog")
-=-
SCENE XI
(Somewhere on the Enterprise, Barclay calls for a turbolift)
Barclay: Lord I'm glad I got off that bridge..
-=-
SCENE XII
(Somewhere in a turbolift)
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE XIII
Barclay: Ahh..here it is..good..
(The doors part)
Barclay: Ah..Mr. Worf.. he..he...he..l.l...o....
Worf: <Grunt>
(Barclay steps in)
Barclay<In Thought>: Come on..got to face through your fears !
Gotta be like O'Brien!
(When suddenly Barclay hears a voice and sees an image)
O'Brien: You can do it Barclay..Use The Force,..all your friends
are doing it! USE THE FORCE! PEER PRESSURE! PEER PRESSURE! PIER
PRESSURE! Jump off a pier!
Barclay: Augh..
Worf: <Grunt>?
Barclay: Oh nothing..
-=-
SCENE XIV
Picard: We don't have the cash..
KG: Then we'll have to open fire!!
(Fires)
Ro: Sir we've lost all power to the turbolifts!
-=-
SCENE XV
Barclay: WHAT!?!? Why are we stopping ?
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard<over intercom>: We apologize for the inconvience, but we are
being fired upon and have lost all power to the turbolifts .. it
should be returned shortly..under 10 hours if possible.
Barclay: 10 hours!?!?
Worf: <grunt> Elvis?
Barclay: NO!!
Worf: <Grunt> Tough room.
Barclay: Er.. fine..just a few songs..
Worf:(Whips out guitar)..You ain't nothin' but a Romulan...
(5 hours later)
Barclay: AUGH AUGH AUGH!!!
Worf: Thankya..<grunt> Thankya very much..and now for a few more
tunes...
Picard: We are sorry. ..after a long and raging battle involving
500 explosions and various levels of excitement.. we are done. The
Turbolift will be working in just a few more hours..
Barclay: TOO LATE!! I CAN'T TAKE IT! WAIT- I have an idea! Just
BEAM ME OUT OF HERE!
Picard: Hey- that's a..oh nevermind...
-=-
Announcer: And so, after intensive therapy and Worf's realization
of his total lack of ability to carry a tune, Barclay seemed to be
just fine, until he realized he was afraid of Transporters..that
was of course during transport...
Barclay: AUGH!!! AYIEEEEEEE!!
Announcer: IT could have been worse..he could have been afraid
of..clothing...
(Barclay appears in the nude..)
Barclay: I just...it's just..so fearsome..this..polyester thing
scares the HECK outta me!!
(Q pops in suddenly)
Q: ENOUGH! He's not afraid of *EVERYTHING* and *EVERYONE*!
(Barclay turns to look at Q)
Barclay: AUGH!!!!!!!!!!
Q: I'm offended.
Barclay: Too bad.
-=-
Next Week: Troi. Naked.
(Wild sustained applause)
Just kidding.
