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Sub Space 9208_C07
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(* *)
(* U.A.E. Productions Produly Respents: *)
(* -=- *)
(* "Rugrats": A ST:TNG parody of "Rascals" *)
(* -=- *)
(* Written by Brian Keron (and his Spel Cheqeure) *)
(* *)
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Announcer: Please let me stay on ... Please ... Please ...
Q: Sorry, blew it one too many times ... <Announcer implodes>
Perogie: Welcome to Start Wreck: The Newest Germination. Ah-hahaha!
Well, so this is how it is: Picard. In Diapers. With Dandruff! Ah-haha!
Picard: Ahem ... Yes, Well ... oh! Space, The Final Frontier. These are the
voyages of the starship 'PONTIAC' ... To boldly break down where none have
dared broken before .. to seek out nude life ... er ... never mind ...
Perogie: So this is how it is is it, I thoughts we was here to discuss science
fiction ... while we've been sitting here, the debt has grown to a
monumentally silly proportion! I'd never accept payment for being
president!
Bush: You don't have to .. just vote yourself a raise ...
Clinton: Like I'm going to!
Perogie: Oh good, I can get out of that one ...
Bush: That's not a very nice thing to say after that comment about the deficit.
Picard: GET OFF MY SHOW!
Clinton: Hey! I didn't inhale! why should I ... <implodes>
<bush implodes> <wild sustained applause>
<perogie vanishes in a puff of ear wax>
<fade to commercial>
---------------
Leering head of death tells you he won't overcharge you if you sue for
hangnails with his law firm. He'll just repossess your teeth.
Energizer bunny <now in archaeological getup> dancing atop a mummified maytag
repairman. {at least they haven't ganged up on us like this yet! - Ed}
Dope with acne advises you to get Lee Press-on Face. "So natural, I can hardly
tell the difference!" ... B-1 bombers start to drop refridgerators on new york.
Appliance salesmen says "We're dropping prices like mad so you can drop by and
order your own RayGag Refridgerator. We deliver!"
---------------
SCENE 1: Shuttle
Ro: Zippity Doo Dah! Zippidy Day! C'mon now everyone!
All: MY OH MY WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!
<The shuttle becomes tangled in a net>
All: Uh-oh!
Tarzan: Network! Capture elephant in trap! Time lunch for break.
Ro: Get us out of here! We're about to be cannibalized by a network
operator!
Picard: On the double!
Tarzan <Taking a bite out of impulse engines>: Needs SOYA sauce!
Ceiling <Actually Riker>: We're on our way, Captain.
Guinan: I hate it when they say that ...
Tarzan: MM! Engine Good! Yummy!
Picard: How long will it take you to get here?
Ceiling: At warp 2, since this is an emergency, 12 minutes.
Picard: I won't be here in 12 minutes!
Ceiling: Oh good, a promotion.
Picard: Ensign Ro is with us ...
Ceiling: Helm - WARP 9!!
Ro: My heeero ...
Keiko: Uh-oh, the toilet just backed up ...
All: Awgh! Get the plungers!
Tarzan: <Breaking through shuttle wall> MM! Desert!
<Shuttle begins to depressurize>
Tarzan: OOPS.
SCENE 2: Bridge
Ceiling <Actually O'Brien>: Coming into transporter range now, Commander.
Riker: Get them outta there! Ro first if you can!
Troi: Shut up wil! <kicks 'im>
Ceiling: Hold on ... beaming them now ...
--------------------
SCENE 3: Transporter Room
<Ro, Keiko, Picard, and Guinan materialize on the transporter pads, each
approximately 3 years old, wearing diapers>
Ceiling: Did you get them?
O'Brien: Well, yes... umm ... well ... you better come down here, commander..
Ceiling: If you screwed up I can assure you there's a transfer in your future!!
And this time I'm not joking!
<Riker comes in>
Riker <To Ro>: Does this mean we can't fool around anymore?
Ro: Waah-argh!
Guinan: Waah-argh!
Keiko: Waah-argh!
Picard: Make it so!
Riker: Oh boy ... O'BRIEN, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
O'Brien: Think it's time to escape!
----------------------
SCENE 4: O'Brien's Quarters
O'Brien: .. and it's all decided, we're going to be transferred to some dump of
a space station ...
Keiko: Koochy-coo!
O'Brien: umm ... well, um ... you see, um ...
Keiko: Gimme kiss!
O'Brien: WELL ... um ... <looks uncomfortable>
Keiko: Gimme kiss! kiss! kiss!
O'Brien: umm... I think I have a transporter fatali - er - party to get to...
Keiko: But you ttthaid we could havv anuther kid!
O'Brien: we do! see ya!
Keiko: WAAAH-ARGH! Beep Beep! WAAH! Beep Beep! <starts running around real
fast breaking things>
-----------------------
SCENE 5: Sick Bay
Riker: Do you know what's happening to her - er - them?
Beverly: Well, a few minutes ago they were normal infants, but now they seem to
be transmutating into looney toon charachters.
Riker: Can you help her - er - them?
Beverly: I'm Working on it ...
Ro: I tawt I taw a puddy tat!
-----------------------
SCENE 6: Bridge
Picard: Mithur Wowf, Fiwe towpedows! huhuhuhuhuh!
Worf: <GRUNT> is this my lunch? <GRUNT> <Picks up picard>
Picard: Oooh You wascawwy Kwingon!
Riker: At ease Mr. Worf...
Worf: <SNARL> <throws picard>
Ensign Bimbo: I think it's time I transferred - getting too weird for me!
Ceiling: Beverly to Picard .. I need you in sick bay ...
Picard: huhuhuhuh! <doesn't leave>
<Turbolift door opens - Keiko, Guinan, and Ro come in>
Keiko: BEEP BEEP! <Runs around, and into Riker several times>
Guinan: Oooh! that no good sassafrassin' var-mint!
Riker: Computer! 4 Aspirins! NOW!
Guinan: OOOOH! Thathhh dethhhpicable!
Riker: Riker to Sick bay, they appear to be changing personalities!
Ceiling: I know, and I need some more tests done before I can find a solution
to this problem...
Troi: Picard, why don't you and I take a nice stroll down to see the doctor?
Picard: HUHUHUH! <pulls out 'toon shotgun, blasts Troi>
Troi: That's not nice!
<Tangled confusion involving anvils follows>
Ensign Bimbo: Two Klingon Turtles of Prey uncloaking sir!
Riker <Amidst the four>: What?
Ensign Bimbo: Two Klingon Turtles of Prey uncloaked and firing on us!
<Enterprise Rocks>
Riker: This headache is worse than I thought ...
Ro: HEY BOY! SHADDAP and LISTEN to me! Pay attention when I'm talking, BOY!
<Slaps Riker> That's the trouble with kids today ... never shaddap and let ya
talk ... always blabberin' on about somethin' ...
Keiko: BEEP BEEP! <runs over Ensign Bimbo>
Riker: Security to Main Bridge!
<Enterprise rocks again, sparks fly, flames in unimportant-looking sections of
the bridge>
Ensign Bimbo: RIKER! Are you going to do something about the Turtles of Prey
or not?
Riker: What? why do we need to pray?
Picard: HUHUHUH!
Ensign Bimbo: ARGH!
<Security team enters, rounds up our four mutants, and leaves>
Riker: Now what were you saying, Bimbo?
<Lawyers beam aboard>
Bimbo: Never mind ...
Riker: Computer! Format C! NOW!
-----------------------
<Fade to commercial>
Weirdo dressed in paisley Kimono offers you lessons in spiritual bellybutton
lint removal ... Smiling guy with large phony teeth says *THIS* time he won't
sell you a junker! Honestly! ... Weird female .. er male .. er female .. maybe
.. advertises the newest Geraldo episode: "Triple Transsexual Overweight
Female Elvis Impersonators who divorced their husband(?)s for the love of a
Cow"
-----------------------
SCENE 7: Ready room - overrun with Lawyers
Lawyer 1: I thought you said he wouldn't have time to do that!
Lawyer 2: yeah? prove it! How many witnesses do you have? I wouldn't pursue
that question if I were you. Think of the legal bills, the time consumed, not
to mention the stress!
Lawyer 42: Don't say stress! <Explodes>
Laywer 6: Told you you should have taken clepto bismol!
Lawyer 32: I'll have you know I've represented many clients in cases similar to
this, and I'll nail your hide to the wall ...
Lawyer 12: Can it! We gotta figure out something here!
Lawyer 39: I thought politicians did that.
<Sustained laughter by all>
Lawyer 1: Well, now what do we do, sit on a disabled ship like this?
Lawyer 5: Well, starting with MS-DOS 5.00 back in 20th century earth, you could
easily UNFORMAT the drive.
Lawyer 8: We just have to torture Riker until he gives in ...
Lawyer 31: My honor will not permit me to do that!
Lawyer 23: For God's sakes, man! You're a LAWYER, not a KLINGON!
Lawyer 31: Oh.
Lawyer 18: Less talk ... more synthehol!
Lawyer 19: Alcohol's more fun though...
Lawyer 27: We could make him watch late-night reruns of "Married with Children"
Lawyer 21: I thought you said 'Torture him', not 'Kill Him' ...
Lawyer 27: Don't cloud the issue with facts!
Lawyer 4: facts? can you prove these are facts? I intend to prove that these
so-called facts are based on conjecture!
Lawyer 21: I know! Let's set up our law offices here and use all able-bodied
crew to fill in the paperwork.
Lawyer 42: That's mean and twisted ... I like it!
Lawyer 1: OK, so it is settled.
SCENE 8: Data's Quarters
<Data is here with Spot>
Data <to spot>: Do you know what this is? <Lifts arm to expose armpit> It is
... it is .. <sniff> ... GREEN!
Spot: MROWR! <runs and hides>
Data: It must have been something I ate ...
-----------------------
SCENE 9: Holodeck
<Riker is strapped to a chair, listening to a holodeck recreation of Data
explain Physics - in Poetry>
HoloData: The energy we treasure highly
Takes many forms, both far and widely
But one with which I deal so sprightly
is called Electromagnetic Radiation widely
EMR as a wave, it is conceived
travels transversely with velocity lightspeed
Two fields in this wave we need
The electric part, and magnetic indeed!
Riker: Enough! I'll do anything! Anything !
Lawyer 23: Anything?
Riker: Umm ...
Lawyer 23: Continue, Mr Data.
Riker: ARARGH! ARGH-ACK! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! OK!
Lawyer 23: So confess...
Riker: Well, actually it's simple. The machine after pre-sequencing the
multiple POST analysis routines, accesses through the super SCSI parallel
warp-facing FTL drive access bay descriptor bytes, and loads the universal
operating system filesystem shell facility console kernel segment. This then
in turn loads the appropriate API drivers which are configured of course as a
standard text-line descriptor file format. These API drivers are placed in
wait mode while the standard UI driver initializes, along with the UI
interfacing routines for each separate API. Then the system command shell
takes over, allowing the user to log in as per the preset ID codes stored in
the mainframe Nonvolatile RAM reconfigurable subsection. These ID codes are
used in a linear-search method index for the appropriate menus which are then
used to perform standard-allocated work-time index tasks.
----------------------
SCENE 10: Nursery
Picard: Woo-Hoop-Woo-Hoop!
Ro: Thhhufferin' Thhhuckotash!
Brian <Appearing in a puff of cough syrup>: All right ... Scuttlebutt has it
I'm supposed to get on with the parody, so ... <sigh> ... you got your old
minds back ...
Picard: Thank you, Care to join us for a cup of tea? Earl gray of course ...
Brian: Not now, you have to save the enterprise!
Picard: from what?
Brian: Grid-locked paperwork in the hands of around 50 lawyers ...
All: <GASP>!
Picard: We'll need help!
Brian: oh, all right <snaps fingers - several times before it works - they're
too sticky from cough syrup and other foreign and radioactive medical
substances>
<Perogie Appears>
Ensign Perogie: Ensign H Ross Perot reporting for duty!
<Brian vanishes in a puff of moldy Cheez-whiz related snacks>
Ro: Oh boy ... so what do we do now?
Perogie: Never fear, my lass, I have a plan ... I'll tell it to you while
everyone else suffers through this:
----------------------
<fade to commercial>
"Keebler Elves admit to affair with Orville Redenbacher's wife, Next on Oprah!"
Jos Louis commercial. Two warthogs tapdance on a tartan zeppelin. "Only in
Canada, Eh?" "No, Only after eating Jos Louis"
Nasal voice: <SNORT> ahh relief ... THEY KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING!
Nothing outlasts 6V toys plugged into wall sockets ...
-----------------------
SCENE 11: Nursery
<Picard and another kid struggle for a phaser>
Picard: My toy! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!
Weenie: No! It's MY turn! GIMME GIMME!
Ro: You're not behaving as if you had your old mind back, captain.
Picard: Yes I am ...
Keiko: Guess that explains a lot...
-----------------------
SCENE 12: Engineering
Lawyer 23: .. and we can get an extra 2 warps by sharpening our pencils on the
dilithium crystals!
Lawyer 44: What a great idea! Just fill out these forms and get back to me...
Lawyer 23: Geordi! more forms!
Geordi: No! No! argh!
Lawyer 14: It's either this or *TAX TIME* with Data's Poetry to guide you ...
Geordi: OK OK! Whatever you say! <Takes forms and dissapears behind a stack
about four feet tall>
Ensign TechnoBabble: Well, it could be worse...
Geordi: How?
Ensign TechnoBabble: It goes something like this - "Let's talk about your
expense account charges, shall we?"
Geordi: Accountants! YOW!
Lawyer 32: Back to work, foolish mortals!
<at this point, a little note floats in the door, with "Copyright (C),2032 by
Twignoodle Corp." but with "Twignoodle Corp." scratched off and replaced with
"Dimbulb Inc">
Lawyer 50: I smell a copyright Infringement! CHARGE!
<All the lawyers leave>
<a ZZAP is heard, and Geordi emerges to see them all trapped in a forcefield.>
Geordi: Computer! Unformat C!
Computer: BZZ-RATTLE-RATTLE-RATTLE!
Geordi: Now, Beam all the lawyers out into a decaying orbit around the sun!
Computer: Done.
---------------------
SCENE 13: Ro's quarters
Guinan: I've bet you've never tried eating "PUBLIC SCHOOL ART CLASS PASTE"
Ro: Why would I want to do that?
Guinan: One of the advantages of being a kid ...
Ro: Sounds kinda dumb to me.
Guinan: Hey! How do you think I got the idea for my hat?
Guinan's Hat: <CHIRP>
Ro: But, um, your hat's alive ...
---------------------
SCENE 14: Transporter Room
Beverly: OK now, proceed as per my instructions.
O'Brien: OK.
<Transporter whirs into action - everyone returns to normal - well, sort of>
Picard: Hey! no more flakes!
-----------------------
SCENE 15: Bridge
Riker: ... and Ensign Bimbo transferred to a bathtub in synchronous orbit
around Theta-Buttcheek IV ..
Picard: Who did you find to replace her?
Perogie: That would be me!
Riker: That's correct, Captain.
Picard: <WHIMPER>
Worf: <GRUNT> <SNARL>
Troi: He wants to feed his "Teddy" some billionaire soup.
Perogie: No thanks, I'm full.
Worf: <GRUNT> MMM!
Ro: Yes, well, um, where do we go now?
Picard: To that Klingon take out place...
Perogie: How 'bout shoppin' AMERAHCAN, HUH?
Ro: Coordinates entered, SIR.
Picard: Make it so! HUHUHUHUHUH!
All: What?!?!
Picard: er, um, excuse me ...
THE END
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEXT WEEK, ON STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION:
Perogie: Well Hiya Folks!
THE WILD WEST: THE FINAL FRONTIER
Geordi: Sir .. I want to make a request that myself and Data screw with the
system computer so we can hook data into it ...
Picard: Why?
Geordi: Well, we brought back this ASTEROIDS game cartridge from earth, and our
computer won't run it, so we were thinking of hooking it into data's memory
blocks ...
A "MINOR MISHAP" LEAVES WORF STRANDED IN THE HOLODECK ...
<12 naked women run by>
Worf: <GRUNT>
Alexander: No! no! Barclay designed that part!
... AGAINST A TERRIBLE FOE!
Worf: <GRUNT>
DataClone: Go ahead, Make my Stardate.
FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO WORF!
Worf: <GRUNT>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits:
TETLEY: For keeping me awake long enough to finish this!
