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Sub Space 9207_C06
"The Next Moron"
By Robert Brayer
This story follows, "The Next Phase", and is more of a follow-up
on the same idea then anything else. We open on the bridge, in what
would seem to be a fairly normal situation.
-=-
SCENE I
Ro: Course plotted, Sir.
Picard: Engage on my signal, Ensign.
Ro: Aye.
Picard: That last mission was a toughie, Number One, next time
remind me not to try and get cash from my American Express Card. It
took us months.
Riker: Aye sir, you could have used my Mastercard..
Picard: Oh shut up!
Data: Sir, we seem to be picking up a transmission.
Picard: Where from?
Data: Space.
Picard: Ok, WHO from?
Data: Unknown, it is being transmitted on all channels and
frequencies, in all languages, zip codes, rural slang codes, and..
Picard: Where is the source?
Data: Well sir, to be frank, dead ahead.
Picard: How long has it been there?
Data: Oh, a few hours.
Picard: Why didn't you tell me about it?
Data:<Embarrased> Well..err..It didn't seem that important.
Picard: What is the transmission about?
Data: Playing back Sir.
(Transmission: Distress signal! We have three minutes till primary
engine failure! Please assist!)
Picard: Data, I'd say that was pretty important.
Data: <embarrased again> Well sir..I admit..I was busy.
Picard: How is that?
Data: Well..uh
Picard: Nevermind, I'm not letting this turn into a bad comedy
routine. Number One, assemble an away team and beam over there to
see if they're still alive.
Riker: Can I bring a phaser? Please?
Worf: Yeah, a phaser!
Picard: Oh very well, just GO!
(Riker and Worf, clearly satisfied take Data and leave the bridge)
SCENE II
(The three join in the transporter room, along with the added
generic officer. He is so generic in fact, that whenever crew
members talk to him they must make sure he doesn't answer vocally,
in fact this is their prime directive. Well ok, the SECOND Prime
Directive, the one they never talk about! Go with us on this.)
Riker: Is everyone here. Data?
Data: Here.
Riker: Worf?
Worf: <Grunt>
<Riker in thought voiceover>: My God. Worf's sash is on backwards.
Someone will have to tell him. Maybe we'll get the Ensign to do it..
Data: Sir?
Riker: Oh sorry.
Data: Deep in human thought, fascinating.
Riker: Ensign?
(The Ensign opens his mouth to speak, when Worf covers it quickly
with his hand.)
Riker: Good move Mr. Worf, you just saved us some good money for a
speaking role salary.
Worf: <Grunt>
Data: As we are ready, New Transporter Chief Of The Week, please
beam us down.
NTCOTW: Aye, sir, Where is O'Brien by the way? I thought he was the
transporter chief, but strangly, he is rarely here..
Data: We haven't been able to locate him in months. We are
investigating.
(Meanwhile, in a hidden storage bay area, we see Miles Edward
O'Brien himself drooling over a paper, as the camera closes in we
can see the camera looking at an outline of his extensive
plan to take over the ship and become the captain. Unfortunetly,
this is not in this
parody's plot, so it is of no consequence.)
(The four beam over to the tattered ship)
-=-
SCENE II
Data:(After appearing) Sir, I forgot to ask you, which ship ARE we
on?
Riker: By God, you're right, we don't even know who owns this thing.
Worf: <Grunt>
Data: Should we contact the Captain.
Riker: Yeah.
Data: Data to Enterprise, it would appear you forgot to tell us
just where we are.
Picard: Oops. You're on an unknown vessel.
Riker: Well that's comforting.
Worf: Kill.
Data: Should we proceed with caution?
Picard: Yes, that's a good idea...
Data: Very well. Seeing as we are on a totally unknown vessel, I
really should beam back and get our scanning devices.
Riker: Data? You left them there?
Data: Uh.
Riker: You seem very distracted lately.
Data: Yes.
Riker: Why don't we just beam them over to here?
Data: Sir, may I speak to you in private?
Riker: Why of course Mr. Data
(The two step aside)
Data:<In a low voice> Sir, I left my cup back there.
Riker: I understand. I have that problem occasionally.
Data: Thanks sir. Data to Enterprise, beam me back.
(Data is beamed away, we cut away to the main transporter room)
-=-
SCENE II(Part Two!)
(THE NTCOTW pushes a few buttons. He pauses and eats a sandwich as
he one handedly makes the transmission. Suddenly he drops the
sandwich- it lands on the console.)
NTCOTW: Uh oh.
Picard: Picard to the NTCOTW, what's going ON down there?
NTCOTW: Uh..nothing..
Picard: Has Data got his stuff and left yet?
NTCOTW: Uh..he's kinda gone..it musta been a Romulan trick!
Picard: He's WHAT!? Romulan trick? There's no Romulans for a huge
distance around here!
NTCOTW: They could be cloaked.
Picard: Well yeah, but when cloaked they couldn't do anything of
that nature.
NTCOTW: Oh.
Picard: Where is Lt. Commander Data!?
NTCOTW: I'm losing your transmission Sir.(He throws his combadge to
the ground and makes static noises with his mouth.)
Picard:<Loudly> Nice try! No lines the rest of the parody!
NTCOTW:<Crying>
(Meanwhile..In SCENE III)
SCENE III
(Data, extremely puzzled, picks himself up in the middle of a
corridor of the Enterprise, a little shaken, but.. alive?)
Data: Curious. Memory banks show transportation, and nothing else.
Must be that new static bleach. Oh well. <Data shrugs and walks
towards a turbolift, when he nears it, it will not open>
Data: Fascinating! <Data trys to touch the turbolift and his hand
goes through it>
Data: Intriguing..accessing<Data's eyes spin a few times> Oh. I
must be dead. Damn.<Data Shrugs> Geordi was dead, well, not really,
I must explore the ship, maybe it is an error and I am not dead.
<Data walks into the turbolift and begins his search, first of
course he has to wait for someone to take him somewhere, just his
luck the first person to walk in is Janitor Bob, the famed cleaner
of mutilated bodies, who takes him to the morgue, Data then sits in
the turbolift for about ten more hours...>
-=-
SCENE IV
(On Bridge, Riker and his collegues have been beamed back, the alien
ship had violently self-destructed. Worf had saved the entire crew
by barking tremendously brilliant remarks in a matter of
seriousness so intense, it's not funny enough.)
Picard:<Almost in tears> He was just so.. so... so...
Troi: So mechanical?
Picard: No..
Riker: So almost human?
Picard: No..
Ro: Such a ratings-grabber?
Picard: Yeah, that was it.
<Data enters as a ghost out of a wall>
Data: My friends, I think it is time to say goodbye..
Picard: Oh well, might as well order out.
Data: We have been close, or as close as people can get,
Worf: <Grunt>
Troi: Howabout Chinese?
Data: I know you love and respect me.
Geordi: Maybe Thai? Klingon?
Data: We have shared many great adventures together.
Picard: No, that gives me heartburn.
Data: Interesting, it would appear they could care less.
<Suddenly we hear a bolt of lightning, and the top of the
Enterprise parts to view a large figure strangly resembling George
Burns>
Data: My God!
God: Yep. Data, you have been charged by a sacred quest.
Data: Yes?
God: You must do the impossible.
Data: Make the 5th season good?
God: Well, besides that! Take a look at your friend, Worf.
<Data turns, and notices quickly>
Data: His sash is on backwards!
God: All are afraid to tell him, in fear of a violent reaction. You
are an android, he can't hurt you.
Data: I understand, by the way, who the hell are you?
God: I am God.
Data: The human emotion, Ego?
God: No, I AM GOD. Allah, whatever!
Data: Does this mean I'm not dead?
God: It means you WERE dead.
Data: But..<Interrupted, suddenly Data falls out of thin air and
lands on Riker>
Riker: No, Mcdonald's doesn't del..AYIEE!<Riker hits the floor with
a HEAVY android on him.
Data: Sorry, sir.
Riker: <Grunt>
(Data stands and runs over to Worf, Worf turns and looks at him)
Worf: <Growl>
Data: I have a message from you from God.
Worf: <Grunt>?
Data: Your sash is on backwards.
(Worf's eyes turn towards his sash, his eyes then flare as he emits
a Klingon scream of such intensity, dogs heads begin to explode)
The Rest Of The Crew:<Gasp>
Data: Luckily I am an Android, so anything he tries to do to me -
<Suddenly Worf walks up to Data and devours him whole, as Monty
Python might say, "but at what price"?>
Worf: <Urp>
Picard: Now spit that out!
-=-
Voiceover: And so it came to pass that Data gave Worf severe acid
indigestion, and along with some mexican food and some extremely
disgusting work by Dr. Crusher, Data was alive, well, and much more
aware of the Klingon digestive system, all was happy, all was
pretty, but then next week was a rerun....
