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Sub Space 9207_C02
"I, Weenie"
Script By Robert Brayer
This story takes place shortly after the episode
"I, Borg" and deals with a reunion with Hugh, we join a welcoming
ceromony in the main transporter room of the Enterprise.
SCENE I
(Hugh steps off of the transporter pad and looks at his welcoming
committee)
Hugh: Hello Geordi. Hello Beverly. Hello Captain. Hello(continued
for most people.)
Geordi: Hugh! It's great to see you again, how have you been?
Hugh: I have been..<brief pause> well, how have you been?
Geordi:Just fine, we're all glad to see you, come with me and we'll
show you your deluxe quarters.
(The two exit with Picard and Worf with a phaser on hand of course)
-=-
SCENE II
(Walking in hallway)
Picard: We are very happy to have you on the ship, Hugh, we hope
your stay will be a most pleasant one.
Worf: <Grunt>
Hugh: Thank you Captain.
Geordi: I'm surprised you still have your memory and are completely
ok despite the fact it was wiped and you should, by all rights not
be here, but parodies don't need to deal with YATI's I guess, so
have you missed us at all?
Hugh: I have missed you, Geordi, What am I to do here?
Picard: We will give you a grand tour of the ship, as well as
introduce you to a friend of ours who will be very interested to
study, <ahem>, meet you.
Hugh: Thank you, Captain.
Worf: <Grunt>
(The trio enters the cabin, it is standard federation "Just the
essentials" Galaxy Class stuff, the Federation has been cutting
down recently, so there is only three Jacuzzi's for each of the
bathrooms)
Picard: Well, Hugh, these are your quarters, your energy receptacle
is there, tell it what kind of energy you want, we can synth
anything, lovely thing. Will this be satisfactory?
Hugh: Yes, Captain, I thank you, what now?
Picard: We drop your bags off.
Worf:<Grunt>
(Worf removes six pieces of luggage from his shirt and he suddenly
is shrunken to a small, not built man)
Geordi:(In a low voice) So that's why..
Worf:<An angry grunt>
Geordi:(Whistling)
(Worf grunts and puts the bags down in a corner he then types a
command into the computer, makes some more bags and stuffs them in
his shirt.)
Geordi:<In thought> Stuffing his shirt, I haven't seen that since
my AstroPhysics of dimensional travel based on the theory of
thermodynamics and a small bucket of chicken seminar in 5th grade,
she was cute though..
Picard:And now the grand tour!
(The four exit and enter the turbolift, Picard commands for them
to go to holodeck nine, they then exit the turbolift and walk
up to the doors)
Geordi: This is the holodeck, here we can display any matter of any
pattern for you, it's really high tech jargon, and we're on a real
low jargon budget so I won't go into it..
Hugh:Thank you, Geordi
Picard: We have simulated a borg atmosphere based on what we have
seen of your ship.(He press a few keys)
Computer: Borg program complete. Enter when ready.
(The four enter into what looks like tinkertoys all put together
weird, moans of "Irrelevent, taco viva is irrelevent" fill the ship
in a low whisper for only a second. Somewhere on another level,
Data stops eating his chili-cheese burrito and throws it out, but
he cannot figure out why..)
Hugh:<amazed> This is amazing, Captain, it is the borg.
Geordi: Yep! Nifty isn't it? That's what a million dollar f/x
budget can do for you! We're not even here for a reason, we just
like to amaze guests with our scenery budget!
Picard: Yes, now we will go to Ten-Forward.
-=-
SCENE III
(Ten-Forward, Data and Guinan are immersed in a complex
conversation over the bar counter)
Data: But I LIKE Burritos..
Guinan: Do you really?
Data: Well, I find them of asthetic value, even if they do give me
gas.
Guinan: But Data, the beans and the sauce are-
(We can no longer hear them as we see the trio enter)
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: This is Ten-Forward, here you can get drunk, but you won't
get arrested! Great place. That's Guinan, she knows everything,
that's because her hat is connected to a central collective mind
much like your own, her hat is connected to others like her, they
trade information on hat fashion, it's really quite fascinating.
Geordi: Yeah, and sometimes they can get me a discount visor..
Worf: <Grunt>
(The four walk up to the bar and Data and Guinan stop talking and
acknowledge them)
Data: Hello Sir, Geordi, Worf, and Hugh, we are much alike Hugh.
Hugh: Hello Data, you are, different.
Data: You are correct, that is because, being an android, I have no
need to act.
Hugh: That would explain it.
Guinan: And I'm Guinan, I'm brilliant, I know everything, which is
why I decided to be a bartender.
Hugh: That explans that.
Guinan: Would you care for anything to drink?
Hugh: Drink?
Guinan: Oh that's right..hmm.. an energy shake?
Picard: <a low cough> That is all right Guinan, I think we'll be ok.
Guinan: <In thought> Damn, I really have to pay off the lease..
Geordi: We're pretty much done here, let's show him Sickbay.
Picard: Yes I agree, and you Mr. Worf?
Worf:<Grunt>
(The four leave and proceed to Sickbay)
-=-
SCENE IV
(We see Beverly Crusher tending to a patient)
Crusher: Now, I bet you won't make fun of Guinan's hat anymore will
you Enisgn Generica?
Ensign: No Ma'am, not again.
Crusher: Good, and remember no house calls, pay on your way out.
(The Ensign nods, walks a few feet, curls over and dies and lands
on the floor, the four enter, stepping over the body.)
Geordi: Hello Dr. Crusher, we have brought Hugh so you can show him
our great Sickbay.
Crusher: Alright, I guess we'll do a standard examination on him,
Hugh, come to this table and sit on it.
(Hugh shrugs and obeys, Crusher takes out a little hammer)
Crusher: Ok, first reflexes, Doctor Rectal will assist me, Doctor?
Rectal: Ok, I will hit your knee to that we can determine your
reflexes.
Worf: <Grunt>
Geordi and Picard At Once: Shh!
(Rectal hits the knee, it seems to remain still)
Rectal: How odd, no reflex- (As he finishes the sentence Hugh's
foot shoots up and nails Rectal in the head spilling his blood and
his body on the floor)
Crusher: Nurse, get that for me will you?
(A generic no-lines nurse nods and drags Dr. Rectal away, he is
mumbling "more .." "air.." "time...")
Hugh: This is an odd examination.
Crusher: Yes. You do have malpractice insurance of course?
Hugh: Malpractice?
Crusher: Your hour is up.
Picard: That's Troi's line.
Crusher: Oh yeah, well then, gotta run!
(Crusher sneaks away. Picard shrugs)
Geordi: How about we introduce him to our guest?
(Picard nods and they enter the turbolift, go to deck 39 and exit
the lift into the corridor)
Hugh:<Explaining something> On a borg ship, we have no taco viva. We
have tried to asymilate one, but they charge us extra for take-out..
Geordi:<Interrupting> Here we are. Cabin 3d. (Geordi "Knocks".)
A familer high-pitched voice: Come in.
(The four enter to face Wesley. Wesley has grown much in his years
at the academy, his face has cleared up on the left side, he can
now recite the cast list without his voice cracking, but he still
walks like he has something up his butt.)
Picard: Hugh, meet Wesley.
Hugh: Hello, Wesley.
Wesley: Hello, Hugh, I'm very glad to study, err, spend time with
you.
Geordi: Wesley here will be your new friend, we'll leave you alone
to talk.
Worf: <Grunt>
(Geordi, Worf and Picard exit, Wesley sits down in a chair and
motions Hugh to do the same.)
Wes: So Hugh, how are you doing?
Hugh: Alright. Wesley, what do friends do? Take tests?
Wes: Uhrr..no.. they spend time together
Hugh: Why?
Wes: So they can share each other's company, and feel less lonely.
Hugh: What do they do?
Wes: Well, I guess they play games and..
Hugh:<Interrupting> Games? I want to play a game.
Wes: Ok. What do you want to play?
Hugh: I have a fun game I learned.
Wes: Tell me.
Hugh: It's called "Let's pretend I'm still a borg."
Wes: Sounds fun, what do we do?
Hugh: Stand up.
(Wes does so, Hugh follows and walks up to Wes)
Hugh: We are the borg. You will be assymalated. Resistance does not
comply with plot.
Wes: Haha..this is pretty fun...
Hugh: Close your eyes human.
Wes: Ok!(Wes does)
Hugh: <Smack>
(Hugh smacks Wes over the head with his arm and knocks him cold. He
grins and picks Wes up over his shoulder, pushes a button on his
shoulder, and mysteriously, he disappers. Thus, Hugh returns to the
Borg, undetected, as Data was using all the sensors to pick up a
particularly interesting episode of Matlock. We see Wesley begin to
be joined to the borg as he screams violently. Thousands of cheers
arise that can be hear all around the galaxy, Trekkers celebrating
Wesley's great pain, it would seem.)
-=-
SCENE V(The Bridge)
Ro: On normal course and speed.
Riker: Continue.
Data: Sir, may I inquire something?
Picard and Riker at once: Yes?
Data: I was reffering to the captain, commander.
Riker:<Disappointed>, damn it, I need lines bad..
Picard: Yes Number one, well Data, fire away.
Data: Hugh and Wesley have been conversing for quite some time now,
precisely 6 solar months. Is that long for a chat?
Picard: That is a bit odd. I hadn't noticed Wes was gone, but now
that I realize it, we did have a couple of good plots there..hmm.
Riker: Sir may I suggest something?
Picard: Go ahead.
Riker: I say we strip search everyone for information leading
to the whereabouts of Wesley Crusher and Hugh.
Picard: I'm sure our scanners can take care of that.
Riker: Yes, but there's three women on this ship I haven't slept
with, and this is my only chance to get it over with.
Picard: Perhaps it may be a good idea Number One..I will give it
some thought. Alternatives?
Ro: No sir, good ratings ideas, but won't do it.
Picard: No, no no! Alternative solutions?
Data: Sensors indicate Wesley and Hugh are no longer aboard!
Perhaps if we launch a Playboy magazine we can find them?
Picard: Yes, That may work,...<musing> Wesley was always a horny
little guy.
Troi: Sir, he's hiding something.
Picard: Who is?
Troi: Wesley.
Picard: But he's not here.
Troi: Oh, sorry.
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: All right, Mr. Data proceed with your plan.
Data: I am launching several lewd and obscene copies of Playboy and
Penthouse from Mr. Riker's personal library..
Riker: WHAT?!?! Oh God, don't lose Ms. July!
Data: I am picking up a signal on the long range sensors.
Picard: Put it on the viewscreen.
(We see a very minute cubical shape)
Picard: Magnify, full power.
(We see nothing change)
Picard: Data?
Data: Oh sorry, sir, I seem to have released an emission through my
anal cavity.
Picard: That would explain the smell, Burritos again?
Data: I am sorry. Besides sir, we cannot get a viewscreen picture
of the vessel.
Picard: Why!?
Data: We need a cutaway scene.
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE VI(Somewhere in the recesses of the Borg collective mind)
Hugh: He will be our servent.
Third Of Ninth: Excellent. Bring Weenie of Borg out.
(Wesley walks out, yet STILL with that strange walk. Hey, even the
borg can't solve everything. His implants suit him, yet still don't
cure that darned acne.)
Weiner: I am Weenie Of Borg.
Hugh: Yes, we know, I picked the name, seemed to suit you.
Weenie: Thank you, Hugh, and now for our first guest..
Hugh:<To Third Of Ninth> I told you not to put in that Arsenio Hall
implant!
Weenie: Give it up for..
Third Of Ninth: Changes will be made. Fox is irrelevant.
(Meanwhile, on the Enterprise)
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE VII
(We resume on the bridge)
Data: Ship coming into range right now.
Picard: Excellent, put it on the view screen please.
(Data keys in a few commands, and a picture of a heated Wheel Of
Fortune match comes on the viewscreen, Riker whistles at Vanna..)
Picard: What the HELL is this!?
Data: Oops, sorry sir, wrong channel.
(Data keys in the right channel and we see a borg ship. It is
strangely changed, it is still cubical, but what appears to
be..facial acne covers certain parts of it!)
Riker: What the!?
Troi: He's hiding something.
(All except for Worf): SHUT UP!
Data: Fascinating sir, it would seem the borg have assimilated
Wesley and have taken his facial characteristics with them.
Probably assuming facial acne was a characteristic of all humans.
Picard: My God, they must be stopped, they could turn Stridex into
an intergalactic monopoly!
Data: Call on line 3, sir.
Picard: Put it on the screen.
Data: Yessir.
(The viewscreen fades from a shot of the borg ship to a shot of
Weiner outfitted in his new Borg Reebox sneakers and assorted pins
and needles)
Riker: Wesley!?!?!
Weenie: I am Weenie, Of Borg.
Picard:<Startled> Uhh..
(Crusher cuts into the channel)
Crusher: Wesley! Are you out after your bedtime again?
Picard: Cut the Channel to the Doctor please Worf.
Worf: <Grunt>
Weenie: You will be assimilated. Resistance is against the plot.
Troi: What do you want!?
Weenie: We want breasts. We want Troi in a miniskirt.. we want..
(We see a borg walk in, slap Weiner and walk out, Weiner shakes his
head and continues)
Weenie: You will all become one of us.
Riker: My god, we're doomed to being.... gigantic zits with funny
eyepieces!? Led forever by a carnal need for women? Maybe I could
get used to it..
Picard:<Furious> SILENCE ALL! I will not have this commotion on my
ship!
Weenie: We are not on your ship.
Picard: Oh you know what I mean!
Troi: Captain, he's hiding something.
(We see Worf's face turning blood red)
Worf: CAPTAIN! I can't take this anymore! First you make me have no
lines, then I have to be subjected to Troi's ramblings, Wesley's
adolescent garbage and Riker's excuse for acting! KILL THEM!
(Worf pushes a few buttons and the Borg ship is a floating piece of
scrapmetal.)
Worf: Ahh. <Grunt>
-=-
Voiceover:
And so, Hugh and Wesley were destroyed violently, but in their
final minutes they enjoyed greatly the brief time they had spent
together, the moments they had spent together, the games, the
parties. The big borg surprise bashes that always failed because
everyone always knew what was happening. Ah, yes, to be a borg, to
a borg, nothing is relevant, To a borg..if I was only a
borg<whistling>...If I was only-
(Q pops out of nowhere!)
Q: Damnit! I've had enough of this! I should have NEVER introduced
you to the borg! I thought they'd kill you or something! Not
envelope Wesley and become a giant zit! And then a voiceover like
that one? I can't stand it. Oh well, have to run, just stopped in
because I appear in all parodies. It's not just safety. IT'S THE LAW!
(Q vanishes)
Voiceover: ..I was a borg..<startled> Oh sorry, they all lived
happily ever after..until..
THE SEQUEL
COMING WHENEVER THE WRITER IS NOT LAZY
(A long time if that's true.)
