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Sub Space 9207_C07
"Time's Toilet- Part One"
By Robert I. Brayer
This parody is new to me, it is, instead of a
follow-up, an actual full parody of the episode. So the
course of the action will be clear, but I don't think it
will spoil anything. The reason this is
needed is because with the others I had a clear ending, and so I could follow-
up. This has two parts, so I am going a different route,
the second part will continue this, to follow "Time's Arrow-
Part Two".. hopefully both episodes, and both parodies
will not be disappointing as we've had in the past ;)..
-=-
SCENE I
(We see a cavern of sorts, in enter Picard, Data, and
another man who appears to be excavating the sight)
Picard: All this information seems fairly trivial.
Man: We have not shown you one thing.
Picard: Well?
(The man motions towards an object with a sheet over it, he reveals it)
Picard: My God!
Data: Fascinating.
(The men see a Toilet, but not just any toilet- the toilet is the special
Enterprise (TM) Toilet. We can see the Enterprise markings
on this toilet, not only that- but Data's personal "I was
here,3/4/2146" marking.)
Picard: This can only mean one thing...
Data: What?
Picard: Two-Part Episode.
-=-
(We see lots of stars and hear lots o pretty noises)
Voiceover(Patrick Stewart): Space, the final frontier,
these are the cliffhanger parodies of the Starship
Enterprise, it's
continuing mission, to have bad part twos, to seek out
excuses to get Wesley in a cameo, to boldly go where only
Star Trek the TV show, Star Trek the Animated Series, Star
Trek the movies, Star Trek the Breakfast Cereal, And Star
Trek the pillow have gone before! WOOSH!
-=-
(After a nice commercial break)
SCENE II
(We see the toilet sitting on a counter as Geordi, Picard
and others anaylze it)
Picard: I just cannot believe...
Data: I am quite happy about it actually.
Geordi: Why?
Data: I have always loved my toilet as my own. But I am
immortal, and so is my precious crapper. I had wished it to
rest in peace after it had served it's time. Now I know it
will.
Geordi: Yeah, but there's only one problem.
Picard: What?
Geordi: I think I can see where this is going.
Data: Where?
Geordi: You'll go back in time, find Guinan and discover
she is the holy janitor of all time, the toilet jokes will
flow and it'll get old.
Picard: How can you know that?
Geordi: I saw the actual Time's Arrow, the rest is
conjecture. I suggest we switch the parody.
Data: And how do we do that?
Geordi: Easy, first we get rid of the toilet.
Data: NO!
(Geordi press a few buttons and the toilet, and the parody idea are "flushed")
Picard: That's what you get for following the script!
Geordi: But how do we make this a two part parody?
Data: Have one of those real annoying "To Be Continued"'s
at the end. Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE III
Riker: Plot a course to the rerun system, warp 6.
Ro: Plotted.
(Picard and Data enter)
Picard: Not so fast! One episode to go!
Riker: <Sigh>
Picard: Plot course to Generic Sector 7 and put in a generic plot line.
Ro: Yes, sir!
Scotty: She canna take it anymore, she'll blow sky high!
Picard: Scott!? What the HELL are you doing here?
Scotty: Cameo.
Riker: But in this century, you're dead
Scotty: Uh oh.
(Scotty implodes.)
Data: Now that those problems are solved, we may
rendevezous with that shuttle.
Riker: Shuttle?
Data: Yeah, the one right there.
(All turn towards the screen and there, indeed is a
shuttle) Picard: Where did THAT come from?
Data: Unknown, scanning vessel.
(Data press a few buttons and a few sound f/x come on)
Data: A shuttle with two humanoids aboard.
Picard: Worf, Open a channel.
Worf: Maim.
Picard: Thank you, on screen.
(On screen appears Troi's mama herself and her big dumb
servent) Lwaxwanna: Hello darlings!
Troi: Ack, I don't even wanna SAY what she's hiding.
Lwaxwanna Longname Troi: My lovely daughter, Captain
Picard, I would like to invite you to mediate my divorce.
Picard: Divorce!? But you're not married!
LLT: I am divorcing you Jean-Luc!
Picard: We are most certainly NOT married!
LLT: Then why am I here?
Riker: How should we know?
(When suddenly LLT imploded)
Picard: That's the SECOND cameo to implode today! What is
going on? Ro: I don't know, I just hope Wesley makes a
cameo...
Data: Interesting, something is causing our guest stars to
implode without warning...
Worf: <Grunt>
Troi: Could it be someone who is hiding something?
Data: But perhaps we should find out about my toilet.
Picard: Shut up about the toilet!
Data: Easy for you to say.. you have a toilet still.
Riker: You still have yours!
Data: Yes, but.. for how long?
Picard: This plot is dying, let's show some flashy f/x.
(A ship appears on the screen, it makes a few movements and
then explodes in a beautiful display of huge excessive
unneeded budgets.) Ro: Wow, I didn't know things could
explode in space.
All but Worf: SHH!
Ro: But wouldn't the parts just fall apart and float away?
(A trap door opens under Ro who falls through it screaming
wildly.) Troi: What happens to her now?
Riker: The YATI security throw her in the brig.
(A new ensign takes Ro's place at the con.. all we can see
is his back, but his walk is strangely familer)
Picard: Ensign, plot a course to the intelligent plotline
zone. Ensign ?(The Ensign turns and suddenly we see he is
wearing a hood over his face): Sir that area has been
desolate since the
NCC-1701-A's voyages!
(Picard looks at the Ensign strangely, he knows SOMETHING about him is
definetly familer..but he cannot figure out what..he
dismisses it as conjecture)
Picard: Never mind that, we are in extreme need of that
area's help! Ensign ?: Yes sir.
(Riker to Picard, whispered): I wonder why he's wearing a
hood? (Picard to Riker, whispered): Perhaps he's a KKK
member, or just real ugly.
Troi in a low voice,(How does she HEAR these things?):
Captain, I can sense he is DEFINETLY..
(The whole bridge, except Worf who overheard their "low
whispers"): HIDING SOMETHING!
Troi: Shut up! I don't say it THAT often
Data: Exactly 434.2 times per single epis-
(Troi slaps Data)
Troi: OW! Damned skin.
Data: It is not skin.
Troi: Don't be so picky.
Data: You would be picky, counselor, if you knew your toilet was going to die.
Troi: Your toilet isn't alive!
Data: More so then this plot!
Riker: A good point. Ensign, what is our ETA?
Ensign ?: 3 hours, seventeen minutes, or aprox. a scene or
two. What's our IRS?
Riker: 15%, our GNP?
Ensign ?: $11,436 per person, how about our T&A?
Riker: Troi has that covered.
Troi: <Grunt>
Picard: ENOUGH INITIALS ALREADY!
Ensign ?: No need to get so PO'd.
(Picard's ears start to emit smoke as his face turns red, he is so angry he
races over to the Ensign and rips the hood off!)
Riker and Troi at once: WESLEY!
Worf:<Surprised Grunt>
Picard: I thought you were dead!
Riker: I HOPED you were dead!
Wes: I never die, I just make it look that way to get your
hopes up! At the very last moment I remebered the law of
cameo appearences.
Troi: What's that?
Wes: You don't die, you just keep coming back over and over
aga-(Suddenly Wesley implodes.)
Riker: Another mess to clean up. The sad part is I KNOW he'll be back.
Troi: He is dead.
Picard: Yeah, like we trust an actress which made Uhura
look like a detailed character.
Data: In case anyone is interested, my toilet still dies.
(A new generic ensign enters and takes the comm, we see him
begin a prayer of non-implosion before he takes his post)
Picard: Ensign, are we there yet?
Ensign: No sir, but .. there is something strange outside
the window! Riker: That's just Ro floating around, don't
worry.. that's what she gets for questioning us!
Ensign: No sir, not Ro, that white thing.
Picard: Magnify.
(The Ensign does so, and we can see on the viewscreen now-
a toilet.) Data:<Screaming> MY BABY!
Worf: <In a thundering boom> SHUT UP ABOUT THE TOILET
ALREADY! (All turn to Worf with a bit of scare on their
face, they all are silent until Riker breaks the silence
bravely)
Riker: Regardless of whether we LIKE the notion or not, Mr.
Worf, there is a toilet in space.
Troi: But is it Data's?
Picard: But do we CARE!? It's of no importance! Let's just leave it alone.
(Suddenly the voice of an incredibly smart Bartender breaks
in) Woody From Cheers: Want a drink?
Riker: Damn you Woody.. don't taunt us with your ratings!
WFC:Hehe.
(Woody From Cheers implodes. The sound brings a light cheer from the bridge)
Guinan: What's wrong with the bridge? I've been getting a busy signal!
Picard: Sorry, it was off the hook.
Guinan: Oh. Anyhow, just had to tell you that if you don't
investigate that toilet, we will never meet.
Picard: So what, you don't make good scotch anyways.
Data: Come on sir, I really have to go.
Picard: Oh alright. Mr. Riker take a landing party over to the toilet.
Riker: Yessir. Mr. Worf and Dr. Crusher will come with me.
Data: What about me?
Picard: We need you here to uh..monitor Lassie Reruns.
Data: Hmmm...
(Riker and Worf leave to get Dr. Crusher)
Data: Captain, may I have a word with you in your ready room? Picard: I guess.
(The two step into the ready room, The Captain reclines on
his handy dandy bean bag)
Picard: What's up?
Data: Sir, as the second officer of this ship I belong on
an away team mission.
Picard: Yes.. but we're worried about your toilet.
Data: I am still perfectly capable of-
Picard: <Interrupting> You are not capable of preforming
your duties near something you covet so greatly, your
reaction to it has been documented, we must take precautions
Data: But I REALLY hafta go.
(And so ends a really long Scene III)
-=-
SCENE IV
(Worf, Riker and Dr. Crusher beam over to the toilet in
space suits) Riker: You know I really thought it would be
bigger then this. Crusher: So did Troi. But that's another
story.
Worf: <Grunt>
Riker: Perhaps we should just.. take it.
Crusher: First we should find out if it is really Data's!
Riker: Good idea(reads inscriptions)
Riker: It says... Property Of The NY Yankees..no that's a
bumper sticker.. it says "Data Wuz Here 2/4/2340 and
6/1/1992"
Crusher: 1992?!?
Riker: This is one old toilet.
Crusher: Data wasn't alive in 1992!
Picard on Radio: What the hell is going on over there?!
Riker: You're not gonna believe this!(Riker fills Picard
in). Picard: Wait a second.. you are breaking up...
(Suddenly Riker, Crusher and Worf disappear!)
-=-
SCENE V
(On the bridge)
Data: Sir we've lost Riker, Crusher and Worf!
Picard: What the?! Where can they be?
-=-
SCENE VI
(Riker, Crusher and Worf awake lying on the streets of
Downtown NY)
Riker: <Grunt>
Crusher: <Grunt>
Worf:<Grunt>
-=-
Will Riker, Crusher and Data survive in
1992 New York? Will they recover Data's toilet? Will Part
Two be boring? Will anyone stop the "Will" questions?
...TO BE CONTINUED
("Aww..just when it was gettin good!")
-=-
