Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Sub Space 9204_C07
A MATTER OF TIME PARODY
RE-PRINT
"Captain, sensors show an alien craft. They want you to take a step
backwards."
"What? I never take a step back, except for strange xenophobic aliens who
take over Troi. What is the meaning of..."
[Cheesy transport effect]
"Hi there! I'm from the future, but my transporter could only put me one
place in your bridge. Oh, by the way, I'm a historian whose come back three
hundred years to study you! Neat, huh?"
"Well, gee. You must be, since no one else has ever penetrated our shields.
Here, have complete and total access to the ship, feel free to come on the
bridge whenever you like. Might I ask why you're here? Oh, excuse me, I
shouldn't ask any questions, that might affect the future."
"Right you are. All I can do is draw attention to details you wouldn't
ordinarily notice, and act obnoxious. But I can tell you that I'm really
interested in Penthara IV. It's an important mission!"
"Gee, compared to ending the Klingon civil war, defending Earth from a Borg
invasion, arguing the pioneer case in android civil rights, going on an
undercover mission to Romulus, and foiling a Conspiracy in the federation,
releasing pockets of CO2 gases must be quite a thing to see, eh?"
"That's right! Hey, could I please have a lot of neural scanners and
phasers, and oh, we've always wanted to know Data's schematics."
"Sure.. as you know, Data is a top federation secret, and if designs to
make one feel into the hands of the Romulans we'd all be screwed, but
you're convincing enough, here you go. Hey, would you like a Game, too?"
"Sure, I always liked that episode."
[A FEW COMMERCIALS LATER]
"Well, welcome again to the Enterprise, professor. As you know, I like to
have in-depth philosophical discussions at least once per episode. Tell me,
what will happen if I fire the phasers?"
"I'm not telling."
"Yes, but I've violated my prime directive. Can't you violate yours?"
"I'm not telling."
"Well, alright. I'll just keep you here and ask more annoying questions."
"I'm not telling."
"At least tell me if this episode is going to last much longer."
"I'm not telling."
[SEVERAL COMMERCIALS LATER]
"Captain, I'd like to remain on the planet's surface."
"Oh, wonderful, Geordi! I love letting my crew put themselves in danger. Go
ahead."
"Sir, what the hell? Why the hell did you let Geordi stay on the surface?"
"Because, Will, LeVar Burton just signed a new contract with Paramount,
which means Geordi isn't going to die."
"Unless he is resurrected as a Romulan, sir..."
"Shut up, Data."
[ANOTHER COMMERCIAL]
"Uh, professor, it looks like a few things have been stolen. Mind if we
have a peek inside your ship?"
"Well, OK, captain. You can't look inside of course, but I will open the
door right in front of your faces so you and your computer can examine
everything inside. Oh, mind if I bring Data along? You will of course
instruct him not to tell anyone what he sees."
"Sure, that worked well last season, didn't it Data? [wink]"
"Professor, these objects don't seem to be yours."
"Be quiet. Here, I'm going to shoot you."
"Ha-ha! The phaser was disabled by remote control by our computer."
"Gee, good thing the Borg never learned how to do that to your phasers,
eh?"
"Oh, just get out of the ship. We've only got a few minutes left in this
episode, and we need a fifth-season trademark quick ending."
"So, professor, in less than ten seconds, our acceptance of you was changed
into suspicion, and we were so sure of ourselves that we opted to risk
losing data and the phasers to you rather than immediately take care of
you. Your knowledge of futuristic technology could be used to destroy our
society; we must remove you. Worf, kill him."
"Uh, gee, sir, he looks so much like.. well, Toral.."
"Oh, very well. Just throw him in the brig and take him to our historians.
They always were interested in the short-lived 20th century cultural drama
known as 'Max Headroom."
