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Stupid Issue 01
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eightball[stupid productions, inc.]
TABLE OF CONTENTS
-----------------
by neko
We're so elite, we don't need no stinking table of contents. Read the
damned zine yourself.
editorial
eightball
well, here we are. a one hour zine project entitled, yes, STUPID.
and, in the style of zines before them, STUPID is an an acronym (yay!).
and what does STUPID stand for, you ask? stick ten unemployed pigeons into
dungeons. what does that mean? who cares? its stupid enough for me.
what will be in the first issue of stupid? well, you'll just have to see
for yourself. and in the meantime, turn your phasers to "mind numbing".
STUPID EDITORIAL ISSUE #001
---------------------------
by neko
Boredom on irc leads to stupid rthings. Hence, stupid #001! The new zine
where not only is stupidity the medium, it is also the MESSAGE! Stick Ten
Unemployed Pigeons Into Dungeons, or STUPID as it is more commonly known,
was started on February 11th, 1997 to incorporate many different styles
and stuff like that.
THE NEXT PART
-------------
by neko
It's too bad I'm not really tired right now. I klinda whish I was in
America so I could be all tired right now, cuz if I was in America right
now, it would be like, 2 in the morning and I wouldf be awake, idling on
irc and being bored. But here I am in Russia, and it's 11 am and so I'm
not tired, but I'm idling on irc anyway. I guess life isn't real different
anyway. It's kind weird like that, I spent my whole life in the US sitting
on the stupid Internet doing stupid things, and then I came to Russia for
a 'change of pace' but nothing of the sort happened. I still sit on stupid
irc and do stupid Interent things.
LAUGHTER
--------
by neko
I can hear them laughing all the way across the room
Laughing
Laughing
Laughing at me
Laughing at what I don't know
I am afraid
Afraid that if I turn around
They will see me
Know
Know that I know
Further afraid that I know them
That they know me
What will they think
What will they say
I turn
Face the masses
I don't know them
It's just two stupid girls
Thank you
"women's clothes"
by - eightball
i like wearing women's clothes.
it makes me feel secure.
what i'd do without those clothes
i can't say for sure.
bundled up in skirts and bras,
i never hesitate.
wrapped in blouses, scarves, and hats,
the pain alleviates.
oh what joy my clothes do bring.
i can't debate the point.
silk and satin, frilly lace.
they soothe my aching joints.
call me "trans" or "cross-dresser".
call me what you will.
i like wearing women's clothes,
and baby, I dress to kill.
THE TREND
---------
by neko
Hi, mom, I'm hooooome!@ shouted little Jimmy as he walked through the
door.
Shut up, I'm trying to sleep, responded his hungover mother.
Okay mom, I'm going to take daddy's gun and go shoot squirrels!
That's great son.
And then Jimmy went outside to shoot squirrels. Those fuckers never saw
him coming! He must've gotten TEN in like TEN minutes. Wow.
Hi, mom, I'm home again and this time I brought ten dead squirrels!@
SHUT UP GODDAMNIT! Jimmy's mother was, you see, still quite hungover.
And then there was a knock on the door.
And then Jimmy answered it.
THIS IS THE POLICE, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, MOTHERFUCKER!
My mommy said never to talk to strangers, said Jimmy, shutting the door.
The cops banged on the door.
GODDAMNIT JIMMY, ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR! shouted Jimmy's mother.
I did, mommy, it's some men from the police and I don't know them so I
won't talk to them!
THE POLICE, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT?
I don't know, mommy. I didn't talk to them.
WELL, WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Because you said not to talk to strangers!
OH YEAH.
From the door: BANG BANG
OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!@
My mommy said not to talk to strangers.
Jimmy's hungover mother straggled to the door and pulled it open.
OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!@
SHUT UP, THE DOOR IS OPEN YOU STUPID PIG!
OH, YEAH.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
WE HAVE REPORTS OF MASS SQUIRREL HOMICIDE AT THIS RESIDENCE, MA'AM.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Okay, thank you, ma'am. Goodbye. Have a nice day.
Jimmy's mother slammed the door in the cops face.
JIMMY! BOY! YOU BEEN SHOOTING SQUIRRELS AGAIN?
Yes, mother!
GOOD BOY! LET'S MAKE DINNER!
Moral: If you shoot squirrels, ask your mother for permission first.
chains
by eightball
rip out my tongue, and throw me in chains.
lock me inside with your rotting remains.
call me a liar, a sinner, a fool.
tell me i'm worthless; that i'm just a tool.
put me in irons, the rack if you like.
nail up my hands with a blood-splattered spike.
blow up my house if it pleases you to.
there are no bounds to what i'll do for you.
I CAN WRITE IN LOWER CASE TOO
-----------------------------
by neko
look at me
i'm a trendy
angsty
zine poet
i can write in lower case too
or i can
SHOUT
in the upper case
whichever gets my
feelings across
LOUDLY
quietly
sometimes the LOUDEST words
are those written in the
quietest ways
i can write in lower case too
don't leave me out of the
revolution
i can write in lower case too
don't think i can't
that would be pollution
i can write in lower case too
I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO
AND THEN THERE WERE NONE
------------------------
by neko
I like to title things before I write them. That way I have some idea what
the reader expects to read about and I can thouroughly and completely let
him/her down.
What did you expect by this title? I surely don't know. And then there
were none of what? Is that what you asked yourself when you started to
read this? Don't you know? It's all wrong!@ You can't get anywhere with
that sort of logic!
That girl. Yeah. That one. Over there. Do you think *SHE* thinks that then
there were none? Of course not! She thinks the exact opposite! Then there
were SOME.
So what is the difference between the two? Well, one quite clearly is
define as an optimist, while the other, just as clearly is define as a
pessimist.
The optimist, yeah, you know the guy, he thinks the cup is half full.
The pessimist, on the other hand, thinks it's half empty.
Me? I just think it's half THERE. That's quite obvious, isn't it?
And if you don't like it, then, well, your MOM!
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT
-----------------------
by neko
Oh no, we're not gonna take it
We're not gonna take it
ANYMORE!
"the unalienable right to eat ramen"
by - eightball
corpwatch international
503 park view ave.
staten island, ny 10301
to whom it may concern:
we've watched as corporate america has continually terminated
thousands of workers. we've allowed them to eliminate the livelihoods of
vast numbers of our population. downsizing has become an enormously wide-
spread practice.
it was what i read in the local newspaper this morning that prompted
my writing to you. knowing your reputation as a fighter for the working
class, i knew that only your organization could help. it seems that the
campbell soup company has taken drastic, extreme, and perhaps even life-
threatening action. they've done the unthinkable. they've announced the
closing of a ramen noodle factory in atlanta.
you've got to do something. not only will this act eliminate over
one hundred jobs, but it will deprive whole sections of the country of the
wonderful, funny-looking noodles that we all enjoy eating. i just can't
believe its come to this. just the thought of their poorly contrived plan
makes my blood run cold.
so please, do whatever you have to do. petition our legislators on
capitol hill. organize demonstrations. don't allow this deliberate act of
ramen-reduction to occur. as citizens of the united states of america, we
have the unalienable right to eat ramen.
this means war.
sincerely,
a concerned ramen-lover
COOL BANDS
----------
by neko
We here at STUPID know how hard it is to think for yourself, and that is
why we've created the list of cool bands. Go out and buy their albums and
you will be cool and not have to worry about anything ever again.
nine inch nails
marilyn manson
smashing pumpkins
sublime
nirvana
pearl jam
soundgarden
311
tori amos
liz phair
green day
the offspring
and all those other cool groups they play on alternative nation a lot.
IF YOU WANT ME TO
-----------------
by neko
So, what do you want to do?
I dunno, what do you want to do?
I dunno, what do you want to do?
ad infinitum.
So, let's go see a movie.
Okay, which one?
I dunno, what do you want to see?
I dunno, what do you want to see?
Whatever you want is okay.
No, whatever you want is okay.
ad infinitum.
And people live like this. Can you believe it?
Ode to Anderson
//WHS94// care of murmur
[ composed circa 1994 for Anderson Cooper of Channel One. reprinted by
permission. all wrongs reversed. ]
Ode to Anderson
Cooper, Cooper, do not cry,
And leave the apple of my eye.
and if, by chance, you have to pee,
please, oh please not on Raweley.
I wish that I could be like you,
And unto Kathy would I screw.
I wish, I wish to be a guest,
your Hacienda is the best.
I so admire your bravery,
Your bulletproof hat next to thee.
Danger, danger everywhere
You slightly stained your underwear
We still love you anyway
even though you and Craig are gay
His cold medina is so funky
please don't touch the Coop's monkey
See ya and peace out is what we say
as your job slowly fades away
Your teddy bear is safe with us
your mommy gave it up on the bus
What is next in your big career
Movies, T.V., a commercial for beer?
But never never on channel one
the Playboy network is more fun
Oh we miss you lately at our school
Why don't you ever visit you insensitive fool
Winnebago is better than any middle school
so come and join us for some free drool
Shovel up your little hose
and bring with you your little hoes
Hair lips aside you are the best
Even though your pants you messed
They shot at you and you just laughed
Super Coop will cut them in half
I hate this place and I want you
for a boyfriend, make it come true
and if you don't I'll come looking for you
I know where you live and I stake you out
Shut up about this you little trout
If you value your puny life
Give us Lisa and a knife
Your think you're better than the rest
but Mr. Valverde is the best
Craig says goodbye and then departs
Ryan has got those letters that blows farts
Pop quizzes are fun and here's one for you
I know where your family is but do you?
Where the Hell is Hicks
We miss him like we miss some ticks
Satellite hookups are really cool
The square on your map means you're no fool
School number 23 is totally Red
I've seen you wet yourself in bed
The sheets are quite wet and sticky too
I almost stepped in a pile of goo
You stupid flipping mother of a dork
I thought you knew you were a pork
I'll leave you now and say see ya
Party line's over and I don't have to be ya
By the way WE LOVE YOUR HAIR WAVE
-COG
CHILL
-----
by neko
I am cold
The cold infects me
Forcing a shiver
To run down my curled spine
As I write these words
Goosebumps jolt
Up and down
Up and down
Up and down
On my fleshy
fingertips
Oh winter,
How I loathe thee!
Go away, heathen!
Bring me summer!
90 degree weather!
Backyard barbecues!
Lack of school!
Summer forever!
Join the movement!
WHY YOU SHOULD DIE
------------------
by neko
Because you suck -- it's as simple as that.
FOREST OF LOVE
--------------
by neko
As I walked through the forest that day, I had no idea that the Paul
Joseph Schaffer Memorial Forest was, in actuality, the mystical Forest Of
Love.
It wasn't until I had walked about three long miles down the path before I
made this startling realization. I had fallen down. Skinned my knee. It
was a warm day, and I was wearing shorts. As the blood flowed down my
knee, I soon regretted it.
"Hey, mister, you hurt or something?"
"What? What the hell? Where did that voice come from?"
"Over here, mister."
I looked to my left, which was apparently where "here" was. To me complete
surprise, I saw the entire Swedish Bikini Team naked. We had a lot of sex.
Later, when all I wanted was more, they informed me that they had been
cursed to live out all their days in this forest for being so damned sexy.
I said, "Gee, that's a real big problem. Let's have sex again." They told
me, "We're incredibly sorry, but you can't stay. Our curse is to have sex
with everyone that walks through this...this...this cursed forest of
love!"
Learning that they were all sluts really pissed me off. "I thought I was
special!"
"Nope, honey, you're just another dick."
"Damn. Well, bye."
And ever since, I have stealthily avoided the Paul Joseph Schaffer
Memorial Forest -- known to many as the Forest Of Love.
THE END
-------
by neko
As Jim Morrison sang, "This is the end." Those words couldn't ring more
true than now, when the one hour zine writing fest has ended. Let's count
the submissions. One, two, well, a whole bunch. Let's count the writers.
Well, not a whole lot. BUT THAT'S OKAY! Because as long as their is
boredom on irc, STUPID will exist.
Check us out on the web at:
http://www.geocities.com/soho/lofts/1641/stupid.html
Or email the authors directly:
eightball:8ball@alfheim.net
neko: neko@dto.net
murmur: murmur@dto.net
