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Stuck In Traffic Issue 36
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Stuck In Traffic
"Current Events, Cultural Phenomena, True Stories"
Issue #36 - December, 2000
Contents:
Cultural Phenomena:
A Guide To Manual Vote Counting
Cultural Phenomena:
Movie Review: Bedazzled
Cultural Phenomena:
Movie Review: The Grinch
True Story:
Tractor Hackers
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Cultural Phenomena
A Guide To Manual Vote Counting
Dont ask me how I came into possession of this document
..
Dear Election Worker,
On behalf of All American across the country, we Thank You for
volunteering to help in the manual recount of ballots in your
county. We know that this is going to be a difficult and tedious
task for you over the next few days. Many of you would probably
prefer to spend this time of Thanksgiving with your friends and
family. Truly, we appreciate your sacrifice.
We are sure you are aware of the importance of this recount, the
Presidency of the United States will, quite literally, be passing
through your hands over the next few days. We know that spending
long hours at a tedious task can be tiring and frustrating. There's
sure to be confusion among you about how to count the votes. To
help you make these very difficult decisions, we offer these
guidelines to help you make sure that the will of the people is
accurately and fairly expressed.
* Voters have been confused by the layout of the ballot in
some counties. As you have seen on CNN, voters that cast
their ballots for Buchanan actually intended to vote for
Gore. Therefore any ballots you see that have been cast
for both Buchanan and Gore should be counted for Gore.
After all, CNN has not shown any Buchanan supporters who
have claimed to accidentally voted for Gore, have they?
* No major news network has interviewed any Buchanan
supporters in the counties where manual recounts are being
done. Therefore you can assume that there are no Buchanan
supporters in counties were manual recounts are underway.
Any ballots that were cast for Buchanan alone were cast
accidentally by Gore supporters who were confused by the
ballot. These ballots should be counted as votes cast for
Gore.
* While it is true that persons convicted of a felony lose
their right to vote in elections, one must also take into
consideration those who have been wrongfully convicted. As
you know, Florida's current governor is not only a
Republican, he has close familial ties with George W.
Bush. One can safely assume that Democrats currently
incarcerated in Florida are political prisoners, not felons
and their votes for Gore should be counted.
* There has been much confusion on how many corners of the
chads on the Gore row must be detached before they can be
counted as a Gore vote. While the rule for the initial
re-count required that at least 2 corners of the chad be
detached, the new rule is that only one chad must be
detached. Making any sort of mark on the ballot would
indicate a vote for Gore. As you know, many Gore voters
were confused by the ballot. So even if the chads on other
candidate's rows are cleanly separated, a partially
detached chad on the Gore row would indicate a confused
Gore supporter, not a supporter for another candidate.
* As you know, Gore offered a much larger increase in
social security spending for the elderly than George Bush.
Likewise Gore promised to pay more for prescription drugs
than Bush did. One can safely assume then that the elderly
are favoring Gore exclusively. But many of the elderly, in
their prescription drug deprived state do not have the
strength to punch their way through the ballot. Therefore
any "pregnant," "dimpled," "lumpy," ballot chads on the
Gore row of the ballot , or any Gore chads that look like
they exhibit any convex or potentially convex tendencies
should be counted for Gore, regardless of whether or not
any corners of the chad were actually detached.
* Any ballots for George W. Bush which are detached, but
not cleanly detached from the edges of the ballot should be
considered invalid votes and not counted. Any fibers of
the chad which remain on the ballot, may reflect a last
second change of intent on the part of the voter. You
would not mistakenly count a Bush vote that might have
changed his or her mind at the last second.
* Any ballots for which the George Bush chad has been
detached, but may nonetheless be manually reaffixed to the
ballot with adhesive tape, glue, or laminate should be
reattached and not counted. Such reassembly should be done
as quietly and discreetly as possible, so as not to disturb
the other vote counters in the room.
* As you know, Republican voters are only able to force
themselves to vote for George Bush under heavy per
pressure. And given the opportunity to vote in private,
they would not cast their vote for Bush. So if no vote
counters are observing while you inspect a ballot that has
been cast for Bush, please place it on the Gore pile so you
can better reflect the voter's private, inner intent.
* While it is widely anticipated that absentee ballots will
heavily favor George Bush, there is some confusion as to
what qualifies as a valid absentee ballot. The correct
interpretation is that no absentee ballots are valid. How
can an absent person vote? If they aren't there, who's
going to make the mark? A person absent from the ballot
can't mark it, and anyone who can mark the ballot is
present at the ballot and therefore does not qualify as an
"absentee."
Thank you for your kind attention to these matters. We appreciate
your sacrifice, your flexibility, and your creativity as human
beings. We're sure you'll use every means possible to ensure the
end results reflect the will of the right people.
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Cultural Phenomena
Bedazzled
** 1/2
Brendan Fraser plays Elliott, the geeky computer jock with no social
skills whatsoever and the self-confidence to match. Elizabeth
Hurley plays The Devil, who for some reason decides it's time to
pick on Elliott. She offers him 7 wishes in exchange for his soul.
Naturally skeptical, Elliott finally gives into the offer when
confronted to win the girl of his dreams. And at this point we slip
into the that age-old comedy about Men trying to figure out What
Women Want. And by the time Elliott loses his soul, we've taken a
quick trip through all the basic stereotypes of Men and Women,
poking good natured fun at all our preconceptions.
Perhaps it's not done with quite the style and panache as the 1967
version of Bedazzled. But it's a fun movie. Just don't expect to
many surprises along the way.
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Cultural Phenomena
The Grinch
*** 1/2
It seems that for people of my generation, those of us who are too
young to be Baby Boomers and yet too old to be Gen X'ers, the whole
notion of a Currier and Ives Christmas has been replaced with a new
set of cultural icons. For us, Thanksgiving is not complete with
out watching "It's a Wonsderful Life" and Christmas isn't complete
without watching "A Charlie Brown Christmsas" and, of course, "The
Grinch Who Stole Christmas."
I was a little worried when I heard that there was going to be a
movie version of this classic animated feature. Too often, such
efforts get the visuals correct but inject their own message into
the movie that wasn't there in the original. I needn't have
worried, Director Ron Howard stayed true to the spirit of the story
and managed to recreate Who-ville so accurately it was scary.
What's amazing to me is that the script writers worked in several of
the classic scenes from the animated feature into the movie script.
But the real marvel is Jim Carrey's ability to recreate the
mannerisms of the cartoon Grinch. The man is truly amazing.
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True Story
Tractor Hackers
Finally, this year, as the North Carolina State Fair opened for the
first time in the new millennium, I gave myself the pleasure of
attending the annual Tractor Pull competition. I had been promising
myself I would go for three or four years, but the other Fair events
usually took up all my time.
Im a big fan of the State Fair. Farmers and Ranchers from all over
the state gather at the fair grounds in Raleigh to display their
livestock, their produce, and their skills at various agricultural
tasks. Its loads of fun. In one building at the fair grounds,
they have displays of produce. Cabbages, tomatoes, squash, corn,
okra, melons, and that specialty of North Carolina, sweet potatoes!
The pumpkin exhibit was especially impressive, displaying an award
winning 780 pound pumpkin, grown by a kid in his back yard. As you
walk around, people are offering you free samples of their food and
produce. Free peanuts, free pickles, free hush puppies, free
Brunswick Stew. It was a cornucopia of free food.
The livestock exhibits, though a bit smelly, are fun too. Cows,
bulls, horses, goats all being judged by whatever criteria one
judges these creatures by. Some had blue ribbons, some had red,
some had no ribbons at all. To tell the truth, they all looked
pretty much the same to me. But as I always say, where else are
you going to get an opportunity to pet a goat?
This year, I didnt ride the Ferris Wheel, the Roller Coasters, or
any of the other carnival rides. I wanted to go to the Tractor Pull
instead. But I did take time to browse through the many food
stands. There are some foods that, as far as I know, are only
available at The State Fair. For example, I have never seen roasted
corn offered at a restaurant. I have never seen funnel cakes sold
anywhere else. Fried candy bars (honest, Im not making this up)
can be found no where else. My sins of gluttony were indulged at
the Greek Gyro food stand and the Hot Wisconsin Fried cheese stand.
Gyros, compared to the rest of the food at the State Fair, could
arguably be said to be semi-healthy. But the sharp Wisconsin
cheddar cheese, rolled in corn meal, deep fried, and then dipped in
sour cream and jalapenos can, in no way whatsoever, be considered
the least bit healthy. But it was delicious! Score one for the
libertines.
Pleasantly stuffed with junk food, my friend Lee and I headed for
the Tractor Pull arena. It was packed. Who would have had any idea
this could be so popular? The arena was an oval shaped dirt track,
similar to a horse race track, but I think it was a little smaller.
In the infield of the track, all the tractor pull contestants had
their trucks and campers and their make-shift garages set up. Even
though it was dark, you could tell there was constant activity in
the infield as people worked on their trucks up until the very last
minute.
The stands were filled to capacity with spectators. I was
pleasantly surprised at how well integrated the crowd was. The
stereotype for these sorts of events would dictate that it be an
all-white event, the assumption being that blacks and minorities are
not welcome at such things. But, Im pleased to say that in North
Carolina at least, the stereotype is wrong. Whites, blacks,
Hispanics, and Oriental people mixed and mingled politely. On the
whole, the crowd was well mannered.
Gap Kids were no where to be found. The brand names on clothing
tended to be car and truck companies, not fashion labels. Its a
bit shocking, actually, to see such flagrant disregard for fashion
mandates. Its also extremely cool in a non-hip sort of way. Which
is not to say that people were shabbily dressed. I saw plenty of
well dressed ladies sporting heels, painted finger nails and make
up. More than a few guys had shown up in their best western boots,
buckles, and shirts. But mostly people were just being themselves
not putting on appearances.
Before the competition could get started, of course, we paid our
respects to Our Country and Our Veterans. And I dont mean a
half-hearted rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. A local junior
ROTC squad marched in the American Flag and the North Carolina flag,
while Im proud to be an American played over the speakers. Then
we had both the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star Spangled Banner.
Everyone participated, except perhaps those who had not quite yet
learned enough English. I was a good sight to see.
After that, we could get down to the business of the night, the
Tractor Pull! The tractor pull competition rules are established by
the National Tractor Pull Association. Like everyone else in the
New Millennium, they have a web site which explains it all. Check
out http://www.tpull.com/. I had never been to a tractor pull
before, so I didnt quite know what to expect, and I never quite
picked up on all the rules. But I understood enough to follow
along.
Its not a race. They dont use the entire oval of the track. They
just use the straight way in front of the stands. They divide it up
into two lanes and alternate the tractor pulls between the two
lanes. While a truck is making a pull in one lane, the other lane
is being readied for the next tractor.
The competition is not, as I had thought, about how much weight a
tractor can pull, but which truck among the contestants can pull the
same amount of weight the farthest. There are several classes of
Tractors too. One class of tractor actually looks like a tractor,
but the other classes of tractors are really heavily modified
pick-up trucks. As I understand the event, the pickups are divided
into two-wheel drive trucks and 4 wheel drive trucks.
It is unclear to me if any of the tractor drivers get corporate
sponsorships or not. One things for sure, they plaster company
logos all over the trucks. They all sport nifty paint jobs. To
call these machines tractors requires a significant stretch of
the imagination. Im sure that none of these machines has ever
spent a day in an actual field pulling farm equipment. These are
machines designed from the ground up to haul tremendously heavy
loads.
The other interesting thing about the competition is that they dont
just dump all the weight on at once. They add it on at a steady
fixed rate once the truck has started. After I thought about it,
this makes sense. If you put all that weight on at once, then
either the truck can pull it or it cant. But if you add the weight
at a fixed rate as the truck moves down the track, then you get to
see the truck actually moving. And you get to see the tires dig
their way into the dirt as the load gets heavier and heavier. You
get to see the tractor slow down little by little as it tries its
best to make it to the end of the 300 foot track. Its much more
photogenic that way.
So each truck takes its turn at the end of the track and pulls to
the end of the track until it stops. Then a laser aligned device
tells the judges exactly how far the tractor pulled its load.
Unlike many competitions, where the race starts out the same for all
the contestants and the finisher ends in a blaze of glory, tractor
pulls work the other way around. There is a big difference in the
way the various trucks make it off the starting line. And you can
tell right away whether the current truck has a prayer of making it
to the end of the track or not. But all the trucks end up the same,
a dead stand still.
Also unlike many other forms of sport, its vitally important that
the tractor driver know when to stop. Obviously the driver wants to
take the truck as far as it will go. But on the other hand, theres
a real risk of destroying your engine and transmission if you dont
stop at the right time. So tractor drivers have to balance the
competitive spirit against sensibility or they will ruin their
investment. I saw several trucks that night which had to be towed
off the track because their engine had been ruined.
As each tractor takes its turn, the host of the event would tell you
the name of the driver, where he was from, and a little bit about
their truck pulling history. He would also tell you a little bit
about the truck, how it was constructed, what made it different from
the other trucks. All of this would have been very interesting, but
the roar of the truck motors tended to drown it all out.
Like NASCAR racing events, there is tremendous car brand loyalty
among the spectators and the hosts know how to use this to get the
crowd excited. The spectators might not know the driver of a
particular driver, but if the tractor was of a brand they supported,
they would yell for the driver like crazy. In addition to the three
car companies. (Ford, Chevy, Dodge) John Deer and International
Harvester were represented at the Tractor Pull. As far as this
crowd is concerned, no other motor companies exist.
I did not keep count, but I bet there were about one hundred pull
attempts that night. And they burn a lot of fuel to go just a
couple of hundred feet. Soon the entire arena was filled with a
hazy smoke that slowly drifted up into the clear October sky,
dimming the full moon that happened to be shining that night. I
have never seen such volumes of thick black smoke spew from any sort
of engine that quickly. It gave you a good sense of just how much
horse power was being produced in those engines.
Its almost as much fun to watch the drivers work on their machines
as it is to watch the actual pull. These are not machines you can
go out to your local truck dealer an buy. These machines are as
unique as the individual that built them. They are also as
temperamental as person who made them. Rarely did a tractor pull up
to the starting line and not need some last minute adjustments under
the hood. When you think about it, this makes sense. Some skill is
needed to drive the tractor down the track. You have to know how to
rev up the power so your truck doesnt flip over, you have to keep
the truck going straight under the heavy load. But the real skill
needed for a tractor pull is not the driving skill but the skill at
putting the thing together. In order to successfully pull that
amount of weight down a track, you need an extremely powerful
engine, which can consume fuel and air at a much higher rate that
normal machinery, and you have to have a transmission and suspension
that is not going to buckle under that much torque.
I thought I had nothing in common with these people. I thought that
I was in an alien culture. I would not have imagined that I could
sympathize so strongly with the tractor pullers. As a software
engineer by trade, I spend my days thinking about abstract concepts
like protocols, data models and object oriented designs But as
I watched tractor driver diving under the hoods of their tractors
just before their pull it occurred to me that these men are true
craftsman. And I would even hazard a comparison between tractor
drivers and software hackers.
Tractor drivers build unique machines, pushing the limits of their
craft in odd, interesting directions. No two tractors are the same,
yet they are all designed for the same purpose. In a similar way,
software hackers artisans of their craft, often inventing
innovative, if odd, ways of solving the same problems. Every
software hacker has his or her own style thats evident in every
line of code they write. Teams of programmers can often look at
some code and tell you which team member wrote it, based on the
coding style.
The one big difference between software hackers and these tractor
drivers is that the tractor drivers drew a crowd. People paid money
to see these guys display their wares and the results of their
labor. As the smoke drifted across the pale moon, I realized that
my hand was instinctively grabbing at a monkey wrench that wasnt
there.
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About Stuck In Traffic
Stuck In Traffic is a monthly magazine dedicated to evaluating
current events, examining cultural phenomena, and sharing true
stories.
Why "Stuck In Traffic"?
Because getting stuck in traffic is good for you. It's an
opportunity to think, ponder, and reflect on all things, from the
personal to the global. As Robert Pirsig wrote in Zen and the Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance,
"Let's consider a reevaluation of the situation in
which we assume that the stuckness now occurring,
the zero of consciousness, isn't the worst of all
possible situations, but the best possible
situation you could be in. After all, it's exactly
this stuckness that Zen Buddhists go to so much
trouble to induce...."
Contact Information
All queries, submissions, subscription requests, comments, and
hate-mail should be sent to Calvin Powers via E-mail
(powers@attglibal.net).
Copyright Notice
Stuck In Traffic is published and copyrighted by Calvin Powers
who reserves all rights. Individual articles are copyrighted by
their respective authors. Unsigned articles are authored by Calvin
Powers.
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