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Spilled Ink 07
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Ä electronic literary 'zine Ä
*ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ*
ù ÄÄ´ volume seven ÃÄÄ ù
*ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ*
stop plagiarism - let out your soul
Copyright 11+12/95
ú úùcompiled & edited by Twilightùú ú
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
þ Table of Contents þ
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
1. Bodies - Billy Corgan
2. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Billy Corgan
3. Colors - Teufel Hunden
4. Drops Of Love - Phillips
5. Downtown - Derek De Prator
6. Dung Heap - Lynn Bonhomme
7. Engulf - Twilight
8. Eternal - Rude or Obscene
9. Fate Of Humanity - Twilight
10. Foxfires - Zita Maria Evensen
11. Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman? - Bryan Adams
12. He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) - Carol King & Jerry Goffin
13. Hold Me - Inigo Montoya
14. How You Made Me Feel - Gena Schwam
15. I Am A Dream... - Milady
16. I Am Standing Upon The Seashore - Anonymous
17. If We'd Tried - Rude or Obscene
18. In The Arms Of Sleep - Billy Corgan
19. Paint A Suicide Picture - Janet Kuypers
20. Pebbles From Bricks - Max Raven
21. Sores - Gena Schwam
22. Sugar Coma - Courtney Love
23. Sunset - Russ Costa
24. Sweet Masochism - Jeff Stack
25. The End - Teufel Hunden
26. The Next Time - Colby C. Enck
27. The Sky Is Falling - Twilight
28. The Spider - Benjamin Cushman
29. Things You Didn't Do - Anonymous
30. Tonight, Tonight - Billy Corgan
31. Untitled - Gena Schwam
32. Wanting - Jeff Woods
33. Waterfalls - TLC
34. We Can Still Be Friends - Rude or Obscene
35. Where You Are Not - Michael McNeilley
36. You'll See - Madonna
þ Including Quotes From:
"V.C. Andrews", Anthrax, _The Breakfast Club_, Robb Buzsny, Billy Corgan,
Courtney Love, Ian Moore, Thurston Moore, Vladimir Nabokov, Krist Novoselic,
Anne Rice, Elyse Singer, Olaf Tyaransen, and Ziola
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Bodies
þ Billy Corgan
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
come into my life forever
the crumbled cities stand as known
of the sights you have been shown
of the hurt you call your own
love is suicide
the empty bodies stand at rest
casualites of their own flesh
afflicted by their dispossession
but no bodies ever knew
nobodys
no bodies felt like you
nobodys
love is suicide
now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace
you can't help deny forever
the tragedies reside in you
the secret sights hide in you
the lonely nights divide you in two
all my blisters now revealed
in the darkness of my dreams
in the spaces in between us
but no bodies ever knew
nobodys
no bodies felt like you
nobodys
love is suicide
"This is us being us. Accept no substitutes." Ä Thurston Moore
Bullet With Butterfly Wings
þ Billy Corgan
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
the world is a vampire, sent to drain
secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do i get, for my pain
betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
even though i know - i suppose i'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage
now i'm naked, nothing but an animal
but can you fake it, for just one more show
and what do you want, i want to change
and what have you got
when you feel the same
even though i know - i suppose i'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage
tell me i'm the only one
tell me there's no other one
jesus was an only son
tell me i'm the chosen one
jesus was an only son for you
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage
and i still believe that i cannot be saved
"On behalf of Dave, Pat, and I, I would like to thank all for your concern at
this time. We remember Kurt for what he was: caring, generous, and sweet.
Let's keep the music with us; we'll always have it, forever. Kurt had an
ethic toward his fans that was rooted in the punk rock way of thinking: no
band is special, no player royalty. If you've got a guitar and a lot of
soul, just bang something out and mean it. You're the superstar, plugged
into tones and rhythms that are uniquely and universally human; music. Heck,
use your guitar as a drum; just catch a groove and let it flow out of your
heart. That's the level that Kurt spoke to us on, in our hearts. And that's
where he and the music will always be, forever." Ä Krist Novoselic
Colors
þ Teufel Hunden
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
Words are colors,
Letters simply pigment splashed across a page.
Red is fiery, is anger and passion.
Blue for depression.
A pen is poised, ready in hand
To spit out words, the day's end butts of old cigars
Splattering on the page, a dull yellow stain spreading;
Yellow is loneliness.
Words dribble out, honey for the tongue,
Like the empty drops of time
Slipping into a bucket, waiting to be filled;
And when full
To be emptied again.
Love can be rose.
In my dreams
I held you tight as you slept,
Smelled the new grass scent of your hair as you slept,
Heard the soft, steady beat of your heart as you slept,
Felt the warm touch of your cheek on my skin as you slept,
Tasted the bitter salt of my tears as you slept,
Saw the enveloping darkness as you slept,
Black is peace.
Then I awoke, alone
The morning sun pouring through my window.
White is emptiness.
"Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is
godliness, and god is empty just like me." Ä Billy Corgan
Drops Of Love
þ Phillips
ùúùúùúùúùúùúù
I wipe the mask off your face
it drips onto my shoulder
down my chest
it smears my cheek
part of your precious life
wiped away with my hand
so little effort
for so much destruction
tiny drops trickle their way down my arm
your life drips from my fingertips
deep silence
not a single thought crossing my mind
for what i have done IS unthinkable
unspeakable
to sacrifice the one i love.
Pricking into your stomach
the pain of love
is so deep
Torn to pieces
from the inside out
your emotions spill out onto my face
wounds manifest around your heart
so much pain for such few words
yet no scars
nor blood
just tears
and indefinable pain
"Pain gives you strength, strength pushes you forward, hate holds you back."
Downtown
þ Derek De Prator
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
as we troll the streets together
roaming the south side
smoking our lungs away
talking on and on until we can talk no more
as we stroll the downtown
where many people go
for their own reasons
an escape
from their lives
an escape
from the confines of suburbia
an escape
from the close confines of their homes
we'll go together
so we won't be alone
you'll drift into the night
like a bird that's in flight
i look at you
i watch you
in your thrift store clothes
and the way you talk to me
is hypnotizing me
like the sun beating down upon us
the sun that will not leave us alone
the streets are full of people
skaters
bangers
hippies
punks
whatever the trend calls them
they walk the streets
with their backpacks
full with souvenirs of the city
they've walked up and down for hours
waiting for a place to sit down and rest
but there is another store
with another shirt or a record or a cd
that screams out for them
to waste their money some more
to spend their time walking around the store
looking for that something
that one thing they couldn't find anywhere but here
for this is not someplace they get to go everyday
people have jobs
or go to school
or have other more important things to do
but they will always flock
they will always be drawn like zombies
and they will always be back again
because after all
this is
downtown.
"It was like dipping a stick into the ocean and trying to write something -
all the little people of the world spinning out little patterns that lasted
no more than a few years, and meant nothing at all." Ä Anne Rice
Dung Heap
þ Lynn Bonhomme
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
I have climbed this dung hill called life
reaching the top thru toil and sweat
and what I found at the top of this hill
was that I had a better view of shit
"Women are not encouraged to scream 'Fuck you' and mean it. As someone who
rarely blasts music for the pure pleasure of it, I had forgotten what a
release it is to let music thrash through your system. To scream *real
loud*, backed up by electric guitars and a kick-ass drummer. To feel the
power of a rock star." Ä Elyse Singer, regarding Hole
Engulf
þ Twilight
ùúùúùúùúùú
in the dark, dripping cave
one small droplet languidly falls,
reeling towards the earth -
plopping serenely, yet so solemnly
from the pointed tip of an icicle
into the massive, glistening pool.
and the crystalline twinkle
envelopes the resounding echo,
flirting ever-so-cautiously
while piercing a hole in its tranquility,
sucking into a gripping, deep void.
and the little arms furiously pull,
desperately clenching for the missing piece
to join them and become one.
invisible but for a few dancing ripples -
already disappearing...unifying...
until the fading screams are finally engulfed
once again by the deadly still of silence.
"[Courtney Love stagedived] in one of the bootleg videos I ordered from some
guy on the Net. I ended up looping a clip of her stage dive into the play
['Love in the Void']. She stands at the edge of the stage and then climbs
atop the mass of screaming bodies and outstretched hands. She dives three
times and, in the fourth, is held aloft and then swallowed by the pit.
Terrifying. I realized that her stage diving could be compared to her
journey through the Internet, and crowd/Net surfing became another 'Love in
the Void' theme. Putting herself into the hands of her fans, whether
physically or psychologically. Diving into the void." Ä Elyse Singer
Eternal
þ Rude or Obscene
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
A neverending craving
Life couldn't satisfy
A soul that's not worth saving
A body that won't die
My mind is getting sharper
As my soul is turning grey
And I'm running through the darkness
And I'm running from the day.
Fate Of Humanity
þ Twilight
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
A feared leap onto a hidden stepping stone
Blindfolded and reaching,
along the chosen path
I found a hand -
The first niche in a darkened world
The initial feeling of belonging.
My first friend of my new beginning,
at ease, tranquil, yet eager to please.
And then I felt like I belonged...
amidst those so foreign.
Alongside, a carried torch,
a happily flickering light
to brighten the drab grey stones
that surrounded and engulfed
A leader, a guide, my mentor...
But as soon as I found my balance,
when I could finally stand alone,
and easily found new places to step -
I didn't need the hand...anymore.
Yet within, I never forgot the aid
that was so generously given...
And of late, I see so much has dimmed...
A selfish bastard snuffed the torch,
bringing down thick a blanket of darkness
and leaving that gaping hole
where such a happy disposition
could always have been depended upon.
I carry on in solemn tranquility,
silently mourning, quietly grieving,
thinking that one so bright...
will never again rest his eyes on the sun...
and feel its delicious warmth.
In such a world, light diminishing
leadens the hope in such penetrating doom
as the youthful are constantly
being taken away -
I mourn the loss of a friend
and the fate of humanity...
The only consolation is that
his creative soul...
may ever fly free.
"The death of another person is perhaps the only genuine supernatural event
we ever experience." Ä Anne Rice
Foxfires
þ Zita Maria Evensen
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
in the realm of your intelligences
are kings, advisors, paupers,
monkeys chattering gossips
and charlatans with maple-syrup tongues
that make skycrapers shed honey-dew
for thirsty aphids and rover ants
listen to the breast-beatings of those
who come to confessionals
with haloed piety of a saint asking forgiveness
for dispensing toxic advice
and wanton morality
there is a little boy's mind
slinging stones at stain glass windows
of the house of beautiful language
there are skeptics
addicted to burning manuscripts
and lovers who do not listen at all
"Give me a man or woman who has read a thousand books and you give me an
interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has read perhaps three
and you give me a dangerous enemy indeed." Ä Anne Rice
Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?
þ Bryan Adams
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
To really love a woman,
To understand her,
You've got to know her deep inside
Hear every thought,
See every dream,
And give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms,
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really...really, really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman,
Let her hold you,
'Til you know how she needs to be touched
You've got to breathe her, really taste her
'Til you can feel her in your blood
And when you see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
You've got to give her some faith,
Hold her tight, a little tenderness
You've got to treat her right
She will be there for you, taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms,
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody to tell her that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really...really, really ever loved a woman
He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)
þ Carol King & Jerry Goffin
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
He hit me, and it felt like a kiss
He hit me, but it didn't hurt me
He couldn't stand to hear me say
That I'd been with someone new
And when I told him I had been untrue
He hit me, and it felt like a kiss
He hit me, and I knew he loved me
'Cause if he didn't care for me
I could have never made him mad
And he hit me, and I was glad
Baby won't you stay...
He hit me, and it felt like a kiss
He hit me, and I knew I loved him
'Cause when he took me in his arms
With all the tenderness there is
He hit me, and he made me feel
Baby won't you stay...
"I still dream a dream of humanity." Ä Ian Moore
Hold Me
þ Inigo Montoya
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
Hold me
in your soft brown eyes
the ones which weep withered rose petals
for the sadness that they see in me
Hold me
not as a lover, but as a friend
because I need not one who will leave
but one who will remain and
hold me
as I lose my passion for life
angry at a world's mystery vacated
and an innermost core destroyed
hold me
that I am not strong
in hiding behind false arrogance
afraid to be me left alone
unheld
like all the days when the rain
and all the nights when the pain
made me long for a death which would
hold me
forever and let me burn away
in the paradise of tender arms
which would crush me gently as they
hold me
because you can see into me
into my loving heart bleeding upon my armour
as it fills with fear that no one will
hold me
and come to know the person that I really am
beneath the man who I am not
as the loneliness consumes him
hold me
because I can trust your touch on my cheek
against your body
where I can trust you just to
hold me.
How You Made Me Feel
þ Gena Schwam
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
so alone
dying frightened
angry child
reverted to pre-adolescent
screaming
no one listening
walls caving in
heart disassembled
jelly blobs of
bleeding red
i cried and you
laughed at me
my tears were heightened
in their flow
and the emerging wave of
anger burst forth
a broken vein
gushing spurting
black words
poisonous echoes
and from you
silence
cavernous sadness
racing nausea
how i love you
i cannot hold on
the rope is tangling
around my neck
"Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness..." Ä Billy Corgan
I Am A Dream...
þ Milady
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
I am a dream in the day
One that sleep does not require
To feel me without touch
To caress with infinite desire
Closed eyes see me shadow
While taste is just a memory
Mind's fragrance is of the essence
And time thinks of me
Waiting for you to hold me
And feel your tender touch
My heart beats wildly
For the one I miss so much
Only the day will know your thoughts of me
And the night shall bring me there
"'Reality' [is] one of the few words which mean nothing without quotes."
Ä Vladimir Nabokov
I Am Standing Upon The Seashore
þ Anonymous
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
White sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an
object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she
hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle
with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and
spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load
of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone
at my side says "There, she is gone!," there are other eyes watching her
coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
"It's amazing the capacity people have to learn. You NEVER cease learning...
you spend half your life (sometimes all of it) searching for an identity and
trying to establish beliefs; and though you may establish your beliefs,
you'll never know everything there IS to know regarding yourself. You,
yourself, are so infinite...it's wonderful." Ä Ziola
If We'd Tried
þ Rude or Obscene
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
Last night while I was sleeping
I closed my eyes to see
Standing at that wide ravine
You were there with me
Together in that sacred place
Shunning time and gauging space
We reminisced of childhood dreams
And all our adolescent schemes
Making plans and setting goals
We'd doused the fires but teased the coals
We laughed
But still
We must have cried
We might be dead
We might have died
We might have made our dreams come true
You might have made it
I might have too
We might have lept that wide ravine
And who knows what we might have seen?
We might be dead
We might have died
But we might have made it
If we'd tried.
In The Arms Of Sleep
þ Billy Corgan
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
i need you tonite
i steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
'cause i'll always miss her wherever she goes
and i'll always need her more than she could ever need me
i need someone to ease my mind
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find
and i'll do anything to keep her here tonite
and i'll say anything to make her feel all right
and i'll be anything to keep her here tonite
'cause i want you to stay, with me
i need you tonite
she comes to me like an angel out of time
as i play the part of a saint on my knees
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
suffer my desire
suffer my desire
suffer my desire for you
"Although Courtney Love's language [on the Internet] provided the inspiration
for 'Love in the Void', the play really took off once we experienced the
music first-hand - in the pit, in our lungs. And it felt damn good to
finally inhale." Ä Elyse Singer
Paint A Suicide Picture
þ Janet Kuypers
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
To the family of Jocelyn Burn
I found these letters, you see, and I didn't know what else to do with them.
I just moved into an apartment on the lower east side, and there was a box of
belongings left in a storage space in the back of my pantry. There were
mostly old pots and pans in there, so I didn't think anything of it, but then
I came across these letters. I assume they are from your sister, because I
liked her music (I even saw a show of hers in Phoenix), and the date of the
last letter corresponds with the day she passed away.
I didn't know what to do with these letters. They weren't in envelopes, so
there was no address, and my landlord refuses to tell me who used to live
here. Security purposes, he tells me. They haven't tried to get their
belongings back, and I waited a while for them in case they did. I almost
wanted to keep them for myself; they just seemed to say so much, I felt like
I had almost felt these things. I didn't want to give them up. But I know
your family would have wanted to read them. They belong to you.
Let me just tell you to prepare yourself for these letters. They are from the
last month of her life. She was going to a few shows... I don't know why she
felt the way she did. Her band was starting to make it. The radios gave her
air play in the last two months. These letters are sad to read.
I don't know who the letters are addressed to. Maybe you do. I wish I did.
I suppose it doesn't matter now, though I would like to see the mystery
revealed. I'm sure you feel more strongly about this than I do, but I would
like to know why.
The fame and love she looked for she received partly because of her death.
She is now revered. If only she could feel it.
I hope these letters answer some questions for you, or possibly bring you
some peace. They are strong letters. I am sorry for your loss.
Joe Pagliano
New York, New York
*
September 23
i hate everyone and everything. why can't i find someone that cares about me?
even a best friend? even someone who claims to want to spend the rest of
his life with me? even if i can't stand him? why do i feel so worthless?
why do people stab me in the back? i hate you all. i really hate the fact
that you hurt me so much.
i really want to not exist for a while. i'm tired of people hurting me. i'm
tired of people.
there are some times when i feel so lonely and unwanted that i want to die. i
want it all to end. i just hate having to deal with the people in life that
make life difficult.
when i start in this cycle, i just know that i fall farther and farther down.
who do i blame for this? i want to blame someone so i can think it isn't my
fault. that i don't have a terrible fault that brings all this pain on me.
i really need to get away from here. i need to find someone that cares.
i think i care about myself, but god, i want to know that i am not the only
one. i feel so lonely, so betrayed. i have no friends.
everyone is so fucking fake. why can't i count on anyone? why can't i find
someone to lean on, just once? every time i try, every time i start to feel
confident about myself, someone has to come along and shatter it all.
i hate feeling like this. i wish i had people i could count on for once in
my life. i hate crying. i hate feeling this way about myself. i hate it.
it's over
October 1
i keep getting screwed over. i'm supposed to do this show. i make plans for
it. then i find out though the grapevine that i'm not going. my managers
couldn't even tell me. i have to ask and pester and bother in order to find
out what i'm doing.
then i'm not going. then four days before the show i find out that i am
going, it's back on. how am i supposed to prepare for this?
October 3
i really don't like tom. he doesn't understand that i just want a little
attention. he thinks i really like him. i couldn't like that. no, i just
want an ego boost if i can't have someone real.
October 4
i just want to feel like i'm alive again. i don't feel that way now, and i
don't know how to get that feeling back anymore. i was sitting in the hot tub
yesterday evening, and it put me in the best mood ever. i was in a good mood
all night until i realized that i wasn't going to be going out; then i just
went to sleep.
i like doing the shows, i guess. i like going to different towns for shows.
it was nice for a few hours to be in another city, high up in the air in my
hotel room, half dressed, thinking that i owned something. myself, maybe, or
maybe just some ideas. for a little while, i felt alive. i miss that. i
want to feel alive all the time. i want to feel alive.
October 11
i hate feeling lonely. i hate feeling alone. i can't believe a one of the
managers wanted to sleep with me last night. a part of me still doesn't want
to have to deal with it. i wouldn't want to date him if he was single because
not only do i work with him, but i also know what a woman watcher he is. it's
not as if i should think it was because i was special, though. i think it was
pretty much because i have breasts. what a joke. always me.
i didn't wait for tom to call me back yesterday, and he didn't. i thought at
least he would try to screw me. i didn't even get that effort.
and i'm sure todd won't ever want to call me back. i'm just sure of it.
and i'm sure jeff looks like a horror movie creature.
where is my soul mate?
maybe i have no soul. that's why i can find no one.
i think i should just start fucking everything that moves again. at least
then i had an ounce of physical satisfaction.
god, and i know my life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. the more depressed i
get, the more people don't want to be with me, and then the more depressed i
get.
why do i have
October 16
all of my true goals are destroyed by other people. i want someone to lean
on. i want someone who doesn't make me feel like shit. i want to achieve my
goals. i want to be successful. i want to be famous. i want to be rich. i
want to make everyone jealous and feel like they are worthless compared to
me. i want to feel like i am above everyone else.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
everyone hates me. i am so worthless. i hate everyone. i am so worthless.
people are such liars. i hate them all. why did i let myself get like this?
why did i let people do this to me? i've just destroyed my future musically
and it was all because of someone else. someone i thought i could count on.
someone who i thought loved me. someone who i thought would always love me.
i was wrong. i was terribly wrong. no one loves me. no one loves me at all.
i am not important. i am not important at all. i am worthless. i mean
nothing to no one. i am worthless. i could just drop off the face of the
earth and it would only matter to the people who had to prepare my remains for
the funeral. and to them it would only be another client in their day.
why do i have to be so alone? why do people have to be so fake? am i not
talented? am i not successful? am i not funny? am i not important?
if you're so funny... why are you on your own tonight?
i can't do anything. i can't sing. i can't perform. i'm useless. i'm
worthless. i'm nothing. i wish i could be something, but i am only nothing
and i will always be nothing.
i wish i could count on someone. i can count on no one. everyone who i
thought was important to me, well, i was not important to them. i hate being
nothing.
even the people who i thought would always love me, well, i should know
better, they don't care about me either. every single person who i thought
was a part of my life, well, i was wrong, s/he isn't. i mean nothing to them.
i always thought i did things to improve myself because i care about myself.
i was wrong. i still do things because i care about how other people think of
me. and i have failed.
i have no one. i have no talent. i have nothing - even in myself - to count
on. i have no one.
i feel so alone and i feel so incompetent. and i feel as if no one cares.
no one does.
October 18
life is so interesting sometimes. it's amazing how one conversation can
change my whole outlook on life. i need to be reminded sometimes of what i
am doing, of who i am, of what is deep down inside me. i have to be tested.
i don't know if i will ever get to sing - and be appreciated for it.
i don't know who i want to spend the rest of my life with. who they will be,
when it will be, anything.
it is almost nice.
here i am, in another country, sitting once again in some lounge with
absolutely no soul, drinking something. i figured i have $27 canadian, oh,
probably $30 with my dollar coins, that i won't be able to spend in the
states. i could go window shopping, but that would require motion; besides,
david might be trying to get ahold of me, and i don't know whether or not i
should wait for him.
never have enough time. when i do, i do the same things - drink and think
too much.
amaretto stone sours are particularly good.
and then i will get on the plane and... uh... mark will pick me up (yes, it
really did take me that long to think of his name).
david was laughing at how i throw men around. well, none of them are good
enough for me to keep.
show went okay tonight. i do like the travel. it makes me feel better for
some reason to be alone in another city than in my hometown.
October 20
why am i that worthless to you? am i that worthless to you? i guess i am,
since you treat me the way that you do.
i came here hoping to get out of my depression. you only succeeded in
sinking me deeper. i want to die.
you succeeded in your mission. i hope you're happy. now i know that everyone
hates me.
i can't do anything tonight. tonight was supposed to be the beginning of the
rest of my life. i was supposed to start anew. you've destroyed that for me.
you've used me, that's all you've done. you've succeeded in making me feel
even more worthless than i already did. are you happy? were you looking to
destroy me? probably not, you were probably not even thinking about me,
giving me a single thought in your head. that's how little i mean to people,
and i know it.
don't worry, i guess you're not the only one, but i think you were the straw
that broke the camel's back. i wanted to hear it from you because no one else
would tell it to me. but you didn't, either, and now i know the truth about
myself and what people think about me. i guess i should almost thank you for
showing me the light. it is a painful light, but it is the truth nonetheless.
i've always said i wanted the truth out of people, and now i guess i've got
it. no one cares for me. i am useless in this world. maybe i'll be more
useful in the next. what a fucking joke. if there were a next world.
when i die, i don't want any ceremonies done. i don't want to be filled with
any chemicals so my body can be displayed for people who claim to mourn; i
don't want to be a part of that modern-day ritual. i want to die, and i want
my body to decompose the way it normally would so that maybe at least my
remains may benefit nature somehow.
i feel like kurt cobain, except i've done nothing that would make me revered.
i've done nothing. no one appreciates what i've done in my life. i've
overcome so much, and it still isn't enough.
nothing ever works out for me. ever. i'm alone
October 22
my dreams are always just that, dreams. if i ever achieve anything, it is in
a half-ass way that proves that i really can't achieve my goals after all. i
feel so lonely. lonely even when i am in a crowded room. alone.
i want someone to know me and appreciate me for my talent. i want someone to
feel as if they can follow me just because of the work that i do. i want to
be accepted and appreciated in that realm. when that doesn't happen, i look
for someone that appreciates me in a physical sense. then i find them and i
realize that it is only temporary, that no one has any respect for me, that i
have still lost. that no one really cares about me. that i am nothing. that
i am worthless.
i wanted to think that you would always care for me. i should have known
better. i should have known you were just like all of the others, even after
all we have been through.
gone through? what the hell have we gone through? you followed me like a
puppy dog. you have a small penis. i don't know, i guess other than the
harrassment i felt from you after we broke up, after the bout with arthritis
after dating you again, you haven't brought me much. i want to think that i
have happy memories in my life, but i can't think of any. with you or with
anyone.
life will go on without me. i just wish a lot of the time that it would end
for me sooner than later.
i've always said that i know that i will always lead a long life because i
know that with my luck, i'll be forced to live this miserable life for the
longest time possible. what i've never said is that that notion really
depresses me. there are a lot of times when i just want to die. i just want
to disappear and never have to deal with anything - never even have to live -
again.
sometimes even breathing seems like a chore.
i wish i could feel alive
writing used to help me, but it doesn't seem to anymore.
i don't even feel like getting drunk now. usually that is my answer for
anything. i don't have the answers anymore.
October 23
when someone reads this, i will be gone. i want to die. no one loves me.
i am worthless. every time i tried to reach out to someone, he always failed
me.
i'm tired of being there for people when they are never there for me. i'm
tired of being strained, i'm tired of being pushed around, i'm tired. don't
you understand? i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of hating myself any more.
i'm never going to make anything of myself. no one will let me. let me die.
i haven't felt like this since my father beat me. now i should be stronger,
but i can't fight the whole world.
fuck my dreams. i can't achieve them. fuck the causes. fuck them all. i
can't beat everything in this whole world. i give up.
give me some pills.
wait. i have some.
soon it will be over for me. don't let the world remember me. i want to die
without a trace, the way i lived. i never found the answers.
why couldn't anyone love me? was i that difficult? why did everyone destroy
me? i can't fight you.
why aren't these pills working? i'm so tired.
by the time someone reads this, i will be dead. i will die crying. i will
die knowing no one cared.
i wish someone could have loved me, once.
þùúùþ
Janet Kuypers, Chicago, is the editor/publisher of the literary/art magazine
"children, churches and daddies". She has had two books published, _hope
chest in the attic_ and _the window_, is a graphic designer by day, and also
sings with a band.
Bio sketch:
Employment: Art/Production Editor for a publishing company in Chicago
Education: bachelor in News/Ed. Journalism (Communictions), with a minor in
photography, from the University of Illinois, Urbana/Champaign
Publication Credits: published over 600 for writing and over 150 for artwork.
"What does 'selling out' mean, anyway? Most commonly, it refers to someone
who sacrifices her soul in order to make lots of money. I'd like to expand
the definition to include any act in which you trade authenticity for
popularity, any behavior in which you seek power or praise at the expense of
truth and heart." Ä Robb Brezsny
Pebbles From Bricks
þ Max Raven
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
I toss pebbles from where I sit
on this black towering cliff.
I listen for the sound of the
ground catching up to the pebbles.
I listen for the sound of screaming
from the pebbles and wonder
if they know they are falling.
I fell once from one of the bricks,
silently embracing the chasm in my mind.
I never wanted to climb again
this taunting torturing mountain.
I never wanted to know the feeling
of flying out of fear of the
inevitable approaching ground.
And I sit on this cliff face
higher than I ever have been before.
My feet dangle off the edge although
I still fear falling into myself.
My feet dangle off the edge and I
know death's bony grin shall never
have its place at my dinner table again.
I have learned how to fly
away from damaging silky depths.
I have found an angel to teach me to
fly past the clouds, pagodas, and stars.
I have found an angel to show
different sides of all the walls
and to give the keys to my soul.
I sit, tossing pebbles.
I sit, throwing away pieces of me.
I sit, forgetting the bad of me.
I sit, living the good of me.
Through the windows of the universe
the angel comes to break away the wall.
I stand above the crumbling bricks,
hold my angel's hand,
and fly.
Sores
þ Gena Schwam
ùúùúùúùúùúùúù
soft grapes
lying in the sun
dying
the mold of wet
makes sores
the skin
once purple
now yellow
a seed
sores like vermin infest
my thoughts
my brain an insipid mess
reeling from nights
of heavy bodies
legs and lips locked
tongues
sore
like the flame of a forgotten fire
blue and white
needling points
individuals
thoughts carved scraped
from my flesh
and you gouge me
there are scars
love bites
welts
sores open and crying like
gulls shading me
from the garish moon
a harelip smile
the gulls fly through the clouds
dipping into the
warm sea
salty and festering
a giant swelling
sore
fish in their beaks
blood falling
landing amidst the sand
no one will ever know
the pain
the agony
rendered here
"Bless my body, bless my sore; dip it in turpentine..." Ä Courtney Love
Sugar Coma
þ Courtney Love
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
Do what you want
Cause I'll do anything
I'll take the blame
Baby, you're dying
It's yours, it's mine
'Cause I'll do anything
I'll take the blame even when you're dying
He said I'll never never ever go away
He said he'd always always, he would always stay
They said they'd never never ever go away
They said that they would always always, they would always stay
And your eyes
I thought I saw everything
I'll take the blame
Baby, you're lying
Do what you want
'Cause I tried everything
I'll take the blame even when I'm dying
He said I'll never never ever go away
He said he'd always always, he would always stay
They said they'd never ever ever go away
They said that they would always always they would always stay
He was good tonight
He cried tonight
I was not surprised
He said I'll never ever ever go away
He'd said he'd always always he would always stay
He said he'd never ever ever go away
He said he's always always, he would always stay
Baby you wanted to die
Now you decide
Help me alive
Let him make rise
Baby, all your lies
Now you decide
"Although Courtney would later describe her band's sound as 'angry vagina
music,' she has consistently denied that the name refers to the female
genitalia. According to her, the idea for the name goes back to the
classics. There is a section in Euripedes' _Medea_ where the female
protagonist describes a hole going directly through to her soul. 'It's
about the abyss inside,' she has always insisted, though like the author
character in Dennis Potter's _Blackeyes_ who wrote a novel called _Black
Bush_ and sold volumes of volumes on the sexual innuendo of the title,
Courtney had definitely realized how the name could be misconstrued to her
advantage." Ä Olaf Tyaransen
Sunset
þ Russ Costa
ùúùúùúùúùúùú
My tears should fall on the page
but there don't seem to be any.
they have all left me you see.
they left soon after your final words and my last glimmer of hope.
but that was then, and although I still think of you,
from time to time...
it is different now.
The sun has risen before me.
I feel its warmth and light upon me now.
It has been rising, I'm sure, the whole time you've been gone.
but it's amazing how blinding pain can be.
The sun has risen before me.
it shines the light of tomorrow and
finally I can see beyond today,
beyond sorrow,
beyond
you.
The sun has risen before me.
and today I will revel in it.
I will let myself be happy about life,
my existence,
myself.
and as it sets I will look back at it
and admire it
and know I have no regrets
for you were you and I was myself
for that I can not mourn.
I can just look back and admire the beautiful glow of the sunset of our love.
"For every ray of sunshine, there's a shadow lurking." Ä "V.C. Andrews"
Sweet Masochism
þ Jeff Stack
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
Whip me beat me chain me
make me miss you more
ahhh... sweet masochism
Each night we talk on the phone
and through the wire I feel
the beating of your heart
the quavering of your voice
your want and wanton desire
thrill me
kill me
Put me in a rubber room here I go again
thrashing wildly beating slamming
myself into the cold hard you-less walls
like a dancer or a mime
trapped in an intangible box
It's heaven to have you here
my stunning, strident, glowing angel
But through these years I've grown
accustomed to the pain of missing you
I think I'm starting to like it.
So whip me beat me chain me, baby
make me miss you more.
The End
þ Teufel Hunden
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
A broken bird lies on the beach.
"I hate you", she said.
Feebly flapping, useless wing twisted.
This is the end, all is finished.
Pitifully screaming, mutely crying to the waves for mercy.
I sit in a darkened room and think of my loss,
Think of the days together, now gone.
The smell of her hair, the feel of her skin,
The warmth of her body, no longer mine to hold.
The waves advance, tantilizing, closer.
The bird struggles, its efforts weaken.
Life waning as the tide waxes.
A rope in hand, I tie a knot.
The struggles fade, and finally cease.
A beak opens for one final cry of defiance,
Never to shut again.
An eye that knew the heavens stares on them blankly.
All is Finished.
The Noose is made.
The Rope is hung.
All is Finished.
The broken bird spreads its wings.
And Sails Out To Sea.
The Next Time
þ Colby C. Enck
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
The next time
I have you over to my room
As I stumble into your eyes
My heart will stop
My mind will cease
Burying my hands in your hair
Bending to kiss
I will be reborn
The moment will pass
Fears will return in strength
With sounds and movements bathed in blue light
The doubts will be slain
And with sapphire whispers
I will love you
There would be a first time
Before the next time
I think to you
Gazing at your hair which I so long to touch
And your presence I so long to know
The Sky Is Falling
þ Twilight
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
Amidst the cold and pelting rain
I reached out -
I found a hand to grasp
Of warmth and guidance
My first-found companion
In such a stone-grey foreign land
Beneath the shining sun
I reached out -
I found a friendly smile
Of comfort and good cheer
A dependable leader and mentor
There if I ever needed one
Enclosed by a darkening presence
I reached out -
I found my hand grasping a gaping hole
Oozing nothingness from between my fingers
Stumbling furiously,
I reached out -
And you were gone
The Spider
þ Benjamin Cushman
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
You said a spider stayed the night
And slept beneath your sheets -
Explored your skin on tiny legs
That tickled, soft as sin.
You said the spider bit you,
So softly, as you slept -
Touched you, as a lover does,
And left its venom in.
You said you let the spider in
Thinking it was me -
Me crawling there on tiny legs;
I wish I was so small.
Things You Didn't Do
þ Anonymous
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
Remember the day I borrowed your brand-new car and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't.
And remember the the time I dragged you to the beach, and you said it would
rain, and it did?
I thought you'd say, "I told you so." But you didn't.
Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you jealous, and
you were?
I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car rug?
I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't.
And remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was formal and you showed
up in jeans?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't.
Yes, there were lots of things you didn't do.
But you put up with me, and you loved me, and you protected me.
There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned from
Vietnam.
But you didn't...
Tonight, Tonight
þ Billy Corgan
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùú
time is never time at all
you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
and our lives are forever changed
we will never be the same
the more you change, the less you feel
believe, believe in me, believe
that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
we're not the same, we're different tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight
and you know you're never sure
but you're sure you could be right
if you held yourself up to the light
and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
the place where you were born
believe, believe in me, believe
in the resolute urgency of now
and if you believe there's not a chance tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight
we'll crucify the insincere tonight
we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
we'll find a way to offer up the night otnight
the indescribable moments of your life tonight
the impossible is possible tonight
believe in me as i believe in you, tonight
"Seize the fucking time." Ä Robb Brezsny
Untitled
þ Gena Schwam
ùúùúùúùúùúùúù
A scourge,
your tongue stabs into
me like a mallet
a soft hot wedge
molten love
covering me in ethereal
dreams of blue mountains
sliding rows of clouds
up in the sky
groves of autumn trees
i am splayed out
wicked little needles
crawling over my skin
your hot fingers
spark-starters
fever-inducers
so you have me
the certainty is
clear
laid out in glass
cases
my love
on display
an open wound
trembling like a rabbit
i am the innocent
doe
My eyes are crystals
staring back at you
heart thumping like a
hammer
smash the glass
Allison to Claire: "It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?"
Claire to Allison (sneering): "What?"
Allison to Claire: "Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you
say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap... Or are you
a tease?"
Ä _The Breakfast Club_
Wanting
þ Jeff Woods
ùúùúùúùúùúùú
I want
to not want anything
air bubbles bursting inside my sullen leaves
as i press myself
face first
beneath this grass
I want
to climb up and out of this
but i find my fingers clenched
roots holding me tightly down
leaving my head to bang against this ceiling of soft damp soil
I want
to jump into those clouds
with leaves of ruffled feathers
limbs like outstretched wings
but i just can't seem to climb
above this grass
everytime i peek up at you
everytime the yearning drives me to lift my head
i fear all that sound
like the sky is about to fall
and i dig back in
deeper still
staring wide-eyed
at the thick air of my burrow
wrapping myself in silk
i wait to emerge
my mind
becomes a flurry of butterfly wings
fluttering
against the inside
of my eyes.
Waterfalls
þ TLC
ùúùúùúùúùú
a lonley mother gazing out of her window
staring at a son that she just can't touch
if at any time he's in a jam
she'll be by his side
but he doesn't realize he hurts her so much
but all the praying
just ain't helping at all
'cause he can't seem to keep himself out of trouble
so he goes out and makes money the best way he knows how
another body laying cold in the gutter
listen to me
don't go chasing waterfalls
please stick to the rivers and the lakes
that you're used to
i know that you're gonna have it your way
or nothing at all
but i think you're moving too fast...
little precious has a natural obsession
for temptation, but he just can't see
she gives him loving that his body can't handle
but all he can say is baby is good to me
one day he goes and takes a glimpse in the mirror
but he doesn't recognize his own face
his health is fading and he doesn't know why
three letters took him to his final resting place
y'all don't hear me
don't go chasing waterfalls
please stick to the rivers and the lakes
that you're used to
i know that you're gonna have it your way
or nothing at all
but i think you're moving too fast...
i've seen a rainbow yesterday
but too many storms have come and gone
leaving a trace of not one god-given ray
is it because my life is ten shades of gray
i pray all ten fade away
seldom praise him for the sunny days
and like his promise is true
only my faith can undo
the many chances i blew
to bring my life to anew
clear blue and unconditional skies
have dried the tears from my eyes
no more lonely cries
my only bleeding hope
is for the folk who can't cope
with such an enduring pain
that it keeps them in the pouring rain
who's to blame
for tooling 'caine in your own vein
what a shame
you claim the insane
and name this day in time
for falling prey to crime
i say the system's got you victim
to your own mind
dreams are hopeless aspirations
in hopes of coming true
believe in yourself
the rest is up to me and you...
don't go chasing waterfalls
please stick to the rivers and the lakes
that you're used to
i know that you're gonna have it your way
or nothing at all
but i think you're moving too fast...
We Can Still Be Friends
þ Rude or Obscene
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
The sunset's not the color
That it used to be
The fish are more exotic
Swimming in your sea
And now there's little room
For a perch,
Or carp,
Or me
Heaven seems even darker now
My sardonic smile yields to a frown
Somehow I knew you'd tire of me
I should have known
That I wasn't
What you wanted me to be.
I agree
You've changed
I can see it in your eyes
And now you cannot hear me
Regardless of my cries
But our paths must cross this one last time
My love for you drives me to this crime
A tool of darkness in my hand
I'll spill your blood upon this sand
No, I don't want to know
And I don't want to see
Where you think you're going to go
Or what you've planned for me
I don't give a damn
I'm certainly not afraid
That they'll know who I am
For tonight you'll not be saved
Ah!
A bloodcurdling scream!
It's almost over now...
A brilliant red stream
Oozing from your brow
But should I stab you again?
The bleeding seems so slow...
Yes! You must bleed quickly!
For soon I'll need to go...
The remnants of a lover
Imprisoned in my foe
Now both will understand
Just how far I will go.
"Women are not encouraged to scream 'Fuck you' and mean it. As someone who
rarely blasts music for the pure pleasure of it, I had forgotten what a
release it is to let music thrash through your system. To scream *real
loud*, backed up by electric guitars and a kick-ass drummer. To feel the
power of a rock star." Ä Elyse Singer, regarding Hole
Where You Are Not
þ Michael McNeilley
ùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúùúù
waiting here just past dawn
perfect grey light through the northeast window
I visualize you in the chair
I know you would choose
reclining with one leg stretched out
one pulled up back arched
hair flowing over the paisley print
and I imagine you there by
defining the space where you are not
seeing you surrounded by negative space
drawing you in the space that would
encompass you if you were here
the lights in your hair defined by threads
of shadow the smell of you here in
a palpable absence in chill air
but it is too cold in the room
where you are not
and I move to warm myself again
but closing the window lets you out
You'll See
þ Madonna
ùúùúùúùúùú
You think that I can't live without your love
You'll see,
You think I can't go on another day
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side,
You'll see
Somehow, some way
You think that I can never laugh again
You'll see,
You think that you destroyed my faith in love
You think after all you've done
I'll never find my way back home,
You'll see
Somehow, someday
All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive,
All on my own
I know I'll stay alive,
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see
You think that you are strong, but you are weak
You'll see,
It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat
I have truth on my side,
You only have deceit
You'll see, somehow, someday
All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive,
I'll stand on my own
I won't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see
"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." Ä Anthrax
ßÜ
ÜßÜÝÜßÜ
ßÜÞÜß Ü Ü Üß
Ü ÜßÜ ÝÜßÜß ÜßÜßÜ
ßÜßÜ ÜßÜßÞÜß ÜßÜ Ü ßÜÜßÜß
ßÜßÜÜß Ü ßÜßÜÝÜßÜß ÜßÜ ßÜ ßÜ ß
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Legalize.
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Submit your original literary works for Spilled Ink, [volume eight], to
Twilight via Internet e-mail:
twilight@mail.utexas.edu
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