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[SOSHUTUP] Issue 1
5
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@ [SOSHUTUP!] @
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@ The Society of @
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@ SKENE HARMONY, @
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@ Unity, Trust & @
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@ Unbiased Propriety @
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Unashamedly PRESENTS:
The Anti-News Manifesto Numero One!!
[fifteen/ssu#0]
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
"We play for you!"
====+ +====
We Need Your THORAZINE!
*\\*
An Introduction
Into
The Abyss Of
Grass Roots Satire
[fifteen/ssu#0]
We hereby announce the existance of a most insidious organization. It's
decomposed, sickly, a waste. Never have you, the upwardly mobile denizens of
Calgary been presented with such well-timed stupidity. What you will find in
this publication will shock, annoy, offend and bore. It is for cautious eyes
only, enduring eyes only. The organization I speak of is an almost unknown, a
mere ship passing in the night; [SOSHUTUP!] The Society of Skene Harmony,
Unity, Trust & Unbiased Propriety! Our purpose is to destroy the standards
of the local bbs skene with our moronic jokes, our obnoxious sense of humors,
and an ample supply of unfunny pranks. In this newsletter(There's no news in
here by the way) you will find nothing of intellectual or cultural value. Be
warned, many an opportunity will arise for you to insult OUR intelligence.
Inevitably, and eventually you are going to ask one thing right?
"Why did we do it?"
The only people who will enjoy this are sick, SICK! They need a treatment of
depraved and childish material to satsify the various neurotic and psychotic
disorders that they have been plagued with since, probably, their early
adolescense. If there is no one to appeal to and inflame their delusions than
they will begin a healing cycle which will lead to their introduction into
society. We can't have this, no, we pledge life and limb to oppose it. A
person should be entitled to their sickness just as they are entitled to the
their freedom. At [SOSHUTUP!], we are quick to give praise to the mad
delusions of self-proclaimed prophets. These people, so commonly called the
'insane', are in the most perfect state of mind. Mental illness is a
euphoric, a wave-length for whatever God there is to communicate with, a
divine microphone. The words of the almighty himselves(note the plural) is
transmitted to them as if they were a lightning rod aimed at the Heaven(note
the singular). If we condemn these people, we are condemning the spirituality
and theology of all mankind. We must raise them above our stations, above the
petty day-to-day aims, and for god's sake stop sedating them!!
I digress. This first issue is a retrospective on the events of
[SOSHUTUP!]. It's completely one-sided and allows for no consideration of any
opinion except our own. We hate to hear what other people think and would
much rather pollute the world with this brand of whining drone. If you
expected this to be an open-minded forum for political thought snd
discussion, you are going to be sorely disappointed. Worse even, if you
expected this publication to be one of those things where people talk about
the freedom of information and try to rehash already stale ideas about the
Computer Underground -- well, let's just be fair and say that since we don't
actually have beliefs that you won't find any of that here. [SOSHUTUP!] is
also set down a lot of time and effort to encourage widespread apathy and
mediocrity, and for this we are quite proud. This is an attack on free
thought and creativity, we'll never settle for so much. You'll probably want
to quit your text reader now and remove this filth from your drive. We oblige
you too. This is only for people who don't care.
[SOSHUTUP!] is happy to announce that for this issue we will be joined by
the writers of [SOSTUPIDA!], our sister organization. The Society of Stupid
Antics is a small action group designed to incite panic and disappointment in
the literary community of this fair city. It is their belief that a person can
slash the expectations of story-readers by presenting them with dull and
recycled stories that are completely exempt of descriptive passages.
Scattered strategically throughout this magazine are [SOSTUPIDA!] propaganda
stories. Don't worry, we're not trying to brainwash you, just yet. But we
thought we would be as kind as to show you what kind of work we are doing for
the community. If you do however feel that you are being subjected to some
form of subliminal manipulation, it is best that you send a prolific cheque or
money order to our postal box(We'll give you the address when we remember it).
The motto of [SOSTUPIDA!] is "No Genre Immune", almost a lifestyle for them as
you will come to know in a short amount of time.
Something I wish to explain for our more astute readers is the amount of
politically orientated articles in this newsletter(Did I mention there wasn't
any news?). These are not intended to be at all serious, the main reason they
are there is so that people will ridicule us. They(as well as a lot of stuff
in here) were released individually a few months ago, and recieved many
complaints. We don't want you to complain, because that means you're making a
stand and that's not good. Sit back, don't enjoy them, but banish all care
from your mind. We don't like politics, and if you can read them with extreme
tolerance than you've done something really admirable. Political tolerance is
the first step towards total apathy, uh-huh.
You're now prepared to enter our world. If nothing else, I hope that at least
one person chuckles.
====+ +====
A GUIDE TO GREEN PANTHER LIVING
Written by:
Mark Fury
FOUNDER OF THE MARXIST FURY ACTION GROUP
Forever dedicated to change in society through violent
opposition of the concepts of State Controlled Power
and LIES! orchestrated strictly by the Capitalists who
own society and wish to destroy the Proleteriat.
(Disclaimer- Any reference to violent acts such as: hanging, lynching,
shooting, kneecapping, firebombing, killing, maiming, destorying, assasinating
or other such graphic descriptions are purely used to describe the neccesity
for action against the Middle and Upper Class. They are not serious. They are
just the artist expressing his intense hatred for Modern Society and his
opinions are his and his only. Remember, brothers, we still have freedom of
speech. Viva La Revelucion!!)
A: "Death the fascist insect that preys upon the life of the people!"
The dirty writhing pigs are beating down our heroes everyday. The Black
Panthers and SLA are ideas of the past, in our moderate apathetic society where
violence is disdained and not considered a meaningful protest. We are sheeps in
the eyes of the conspiring NAZI governments who produce for us all the
pleasures of the flesh so that we will never rise up and destroy everything
they stand for. We must take up illegal firearms and gouge the eyes out of all
those who dare to oppress blacks, homosexuals, the poor, the working class and
various other minority groups. A violent bloody revolutions is our only chance
for freedom, with the heads of the pigs on stakes and the politicians set up
against a wall and shot DEAD! There is no room for democracy. There is no room
for peaceful protest. We are killing ourselves by abiding the rules. It is we
who allows the "Kindler Gentler Death Squads" to evolve and it is we who
creates and perpetuates the savages called politicians. We must manufacture 1
bomb for every one of their bombs, we must detonate one bomb for every bomb
that they threaten to use on us. The only solution is to lynch all the greedy
bastards who want to make us into slaves.
B: Where to attack, smoothly and silently.
The shopping malls are destroying the youth and mass-production is making
us concentrate our energies on political moderation. We must channel our hate
for the state, and state how we really feel with the brunt of an explosion and
the bullets from our loaded guns. Start with your boss, then kill white cops by
decapitating the blue bodies and then the politicians by disembowelling them
with a broadsword. If the state is going to be smashed we must rise.
C: Environmental TERROR!
Newspapers, styrofoam cups, television sets.. what do I see? The plastic
mass-production and abuse of the industries and the NAZI lies that are raping
our children with their subtelty and abuse. What weapons do we have? Our
limited freedom, and pot. Pot is the true representation of the fears of
society. It represents casuality, promiscuity, absolute freedom and
rebelliousness. For every joint you smoke you are scoring a point against the
system because the more the supress you the more you realize the mission you
have to achieve. ALso grow your hair long because it also represents your
chance to become an individual and not a
yuppie-environmental-consumption-death-machine!!
It is up to you, the youth and if you don't have a gun than you have a
knife, an axe, sword or flail. Strike back at Fascist agression and use your
intelligence to win the war against our society. Brothers, stand, rise,
DESTROY!
D: Brothers In Prison
This is written not only for those who want to wage a war against society.
But also for those who have already raised their fist against Fascist
agression. The fight is not over, we need you now more than ever. Your actions
are appreciated.
E: Examples of Fascist Agression
-Lobster refinery. Lobsters are among the most intelligent creatures on earth
and the enslavement of these proud stalwart crustaceans is indeed an injustice.
We need to destory Lobster refineries and protestr against restaurants which
serve lobsters or any related species. Crustaceans Now! is an organization
dedicated to freeing lobsters from the foolish whims of mankind and has taken
credit for many terrorist actions against those who dare to attempt to bring us
down. We support fully the actions of Crustaceans Now! and will personally
vouche for this organization as a legitimate leftist group. Stop the pain.
-Childrens Television. Sesame Street and other such shows are very confusing
for our youth who must take the burden of a "fucked up world" onto their weak
fragile shoulders. Childrens Television is clearly only a means to convince
people that there is hope for our world and that such things like education are
not just ploys to make impressionable children want to go out and get careers
and continue to destroy the environment and kill the Proleteriat. Mister Rogers
is a show based on religious and monetary power and shamelessly prepares
children to adapt to the biased power structures of society(which are based
purely on greed and deception). If you want to help in our fight than make sure
your children never watch television aimed for Children and never attend school
for it is truly another plot.
-Beefarming. Beefarmers exploit insects into creating honey for financial
gain. Bees are not given the wage that we are entitled too, and must often
carries things many times the weight of their own bodies. Also, they are
injected with chemicals to cool their natural instincts and fended off and
tortured with smoke. Think of the plight of these courageous little insects,
and stop taking what they do for us for granted. It is time that we, who
claim to be civilized, begin to acknowledge that many species of insect and
animal alike are equal to mankind. Bees outnumber us and are much more
responsible for their habitats than man has ever been. We have very much to
learn from them.
(As to not be speci-ist we also wish to make it known that we feel the same
about Wasps and Hornets. Although they do not produce honey, they are certainly
worthwhile and valid insects.)
====+ +====
"Here follows a story which William Gibson put his seal of approval on. So we
can guarantee it's good" - Jack the Lad
====+ +====
CREAMOMANCER
PART IV
"BILLY'S PAYMENT"
[fifteen/ssu#0]
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
CHAPTER ONE
The Troll sat under the tree. It was a pretty tree, on it, the leaves
spurted out Cyberdecks. The Troll was hired by Dave Trillions- to hack the
infamous Christie company that contained the secret ingredients of the famous
RITZ cracker, that has eluded the public for eons.
CHAPTER TWO
"Hey those damn Orcs" said Dave quietly to himself.
"Damn those Orcs" said Steve quietly to himself.
"I think we should go get them" said Dave.
"I agree" said Steve.
"Ar, dont mess with us Orcs." said a big Orc.
"Why not?" said Steve.
"Cuz us Orcs are nasty." said the Orc.
"Well, I think your fat" said Dave.
"Well I am." said the Orc.
And the confrontation was over- finally.
CHAPTER THREE
The Goblin sat under the tree. It was a pretty tree, on it, the leaves
spurted out Cyberdecks. The Goblin was hired by Steve Billions- to hack the
infamous Nabisco company that contained the secret ingredients of the famous
SOUP crackers, that has eluded the public for eons.
CHAPTER FOUR
"Hey those damn Goblins" said Steve quietly to himself.
"Damn those Goblins" said Dave quietly to himself.
"I think we should go get them" said Steve.
"I agree" said Dave.
"Ar, dont mess with us Goblins." said a big Goblin.
"Why not?" said Dave.
"Cuz us Goblins are nasty." said the Goblin.
"Well, I think your fat" said Steve.
"Well I am." said the Goblin.
And the confrontation was over- finally.
CHAPTER FIVE
"This ICE is very hard." said the Troll.
"It is," said the ROM Construct John Holmes, "And thats not all thats
hard."
"What? what do you mean?" said the Troll.
"Err forget it." said the ROM Construct John Holmes.
"There it's cracked" said the Troll.
"Excellent" said the ROM Construct John Holmes.
"I have the secret of the Ritz cracker." said the Troll.
"Excellent" said the ROM Construct John Holmes.
"I better get this to Dave Trillions" said the Troll.
"Excellent." said the ROM Construct John Holmes.
CHAPTER SIX
"This ICE is very hard." said the Goblin.
"It is," said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice, "And thats not all thats
hard."
"What? what do you mean?" said the Troll.
"Err forget it." said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice.
"There it's cracked" said the Goblin.
"Excellent" said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice.
"I have the secret of the Soup crackers." said the Goblin.
"Excellent" said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice.
"I better get this to Steve Billions" said the Goblin.
"Excellent." said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice.
CHAPTER SEVEN
"Here is the secret Dave Trillions." said the Troll
"Excellent." said Dave Trillions.
"The ICE was a tough one. But the ROM Construct John Holmes helped me
out." said the Troll.
"Excellent." said Dave Trillions.
"The secret is interesting." said the Troll.
"Excellent." said Dave Trillions.
"Thank you." said the Troll.
"Excellent." said Dave Trillions.
CHAPTER EIGHT
"Here is the secret Steve Billions." said the Goblin
"Excellent." said Steve Billions.
"The ICE was a tough one. But the ROM Construct Marc Wallice helped me
out." said the Goblin.
"Excellent." said Steve Billions.
"The secret is interesting." said the Goblin.
"Excellent." said Steve Billions.
"Thank you." said the Goblin.
"Excellent." said Steve Billions.
CHAPTER NINE
"You know, I think this is the smoothest run yet." said the Troll.
"Excellent. But thats not all thats smooth" said the ROM Construct John
Holmes.
"What? What do you mean?" said the Troll.
"Err forget it." said the ROM Construct John Holmes.
"Hahahahahahahahaha" said the Troll.
"Hahahahahahahahaha" said the ROM Construct John Holmes.
CHAPTER TEN
"You know, I think this is the smoothest run yet." said the Goblin.
"Excellent. But thats not all thats smooth" said the ROM Construct Marc
Wallice.
"What? What do you mean?" said the Troll.
"Err forget it." said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice.
"Hahahahahahahahaha" said the Goblin.
"Hahahahahahahahaha" said the ROM Construct Marc Wallice.
THE END
====+ +====
The Greedy Denizens of Communism
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
[fifteen/ssu#0]
******************************************************************************
Today in Canada, there is much cause for alarm. There is a rampant spread
of insidious ideals which are capable of threatening the existance of all
the things we enjoy and cherish in life. It is now beginning to weave it's
way into our homes, into our schools and into our social lives. It is first
important to us to formulate and identify the threat for all that it is and
in these early stages decide on how to combat it. This file is a utility
designed exactly for this purpose.
******************************************************************************
The Economy:
-----------
It is agreeable to people of all political persuasions that there is a
recession in the economy in this nation. We all have our ideas as to
where the problem lies, but I would like to interject a few new ideas.
Our attackers have chosen a particularily vulnerable time in our
political and economical history. In this time where inflation is high
and the standard of living is low, there is much need for change. With
the entire precept of change, and the common acceptance among all
citizens of a problem there will be suggestions from all circles of
thought. Some will suggest a reliance of social services, such as
welfare, UIC, and medicare. Others will suggest a stronger yet more
decisive change which may include subverting a so-called
"sick morality", or eliminating the existance of civilization and society
completely. Politically, these people are among the more supposedly
open-minded and humanistic left wing. These people are also not among
the median of political thought, they in any other time, would easily
be deemed radicals and their ideas impractical. But as despair seeps in,
confusion reigns. The ideas I speak of, and am not giving credit to are
placed on the far left and are disguised by names like: socialism,
communism, liberalism, humanism, anarchism, marxism, maoism, leninism,
bolshevism, sovietism, and stalinism.
The youth are particularily corruptible, with these new fangled college
courses stressing a removal from economic growth and financial success
and instead teaching about the acceptance of the less-conservative
political movements and meanwhile stereotyping the right wing as being
outdated and non-humanistic. Environmentalism and civil rights movements
will not even accept a right-wing minded person as they are started by
mainly the younger generation and are totally indicative of the favorance
of left wing thought in our education system. Yet this is only one example
of the sympathy given to the political left, and that denied to the
political right. Now imagine how this will affect the voter, or the new
voter in the decision that is made. The automatic tendency will lean
towards the moderate and left, while the right will be denied even the
chance of being elected. We all can generally agree that education has
a direct affect on the economic system of a country, as the highly educated
will generally contribute the most while the least educated will make a
less substantial contribution. If the highly educated are only among one
political belief, than only one political belief will be represented in our
society. Thus I conclude that our economy is being manipulated by the
the extreme and moderate left as to eliminate right wing attitudes from
Canadian living. I will also go as far as to suggest that this very well
may be the cause for our recession, as from my observation it seems that
the education system has been dilluted with left wing thinking from at
least the late-60's.
The Government:
--------------
Lies plus Subversion equal Conspiracy, it's a known fact. Lets start
out with the lies factor first; now here we have lies in the electoral
system. They first start out as politically motivating speeches about
such things as the deficit or free speech, which to the voter, these
seem most innocent at first, but then they work their way to the top
of the political chain. When they get to the top, or when the voter
decides this is the kind of thing he wants in his country, they become
very destructive. See the transition? From innocent to destructive.
Now let me explain.
We hear daily about all sorts of "new" issues about feminism, equal
opportunity, liberal guilt, censorship, multiculturalism, `peace',
and capital punishment. We all have our conceptions about which side
you have to favour to be of whatever political persuasion but our faith
in these issues are a deception at best. It's commonly accepted that
these things are the essence of politics. But realistically, it's just
talk, no matter how hard you believe it is up to a politician to decide
and there is absolutley no clause or contract which dictates that a
politician must tell the truth. Truth is not really what we are after
here, it's the distinction between left and right and which side you
are entitled to trust. Let us look at political development:
At the beginning of most societies, a leader emerges and is a king
or emperor and has complete unquestioned control over his domain.
He makes decisions for all his people, and is responsible for the
decisions he makes which equate basically to the well-being of his
people. We know that the kingdoms of old were very dictatoral, and
very non-concscious of the actual well-being of the people and that
was their demise. Some kingdoms moderated slightly, and democracy was
accepted while naturally others ceased to exist. This moderation was
welcome because it demonstrated a symbiotic relationship between
government and citizen(which I praise). Such systems have been dominant
in the major economies of the world for 200-300 years or more and
occasionally less. They are what I will call traditionalist, and
technically because they are more familiar and established. The nature
of tradition is not deceptive, in fact because it's so familiar it
has nothing to hide and it doesn't have to establish itself so there
will be no concealing or rationalizing of it. The tradition while
admittedly left wing in nature is quite right wing in the modern day.
It is almost certainly very conservative, and we continue to follow it
because it rarely has abandoned us or brought us down. Now, left wing
ideas and communism while being just as old are not by any means a
tradition or established concrete thing. Thus they will almost be
forced into concealing their true nature with deception and lies
because they flow against a traditionalist way of life. This is the first
factor of our equation -- Lies.
Subversion is a very similar thing to lies, and is most usually the result
of the lies which may be told. Subversion basically means to overtake or
ruin and an example is what I pointed out in my theory about education. It
in the example of communist/leftist takeover is the saturation of the
currently established traditionalist order in place of a different and
harmful new order. This is a part of reality, as our women tend to wear
less and less clothing and our youth inherit a criminal mind and deal drugs
to raise money for the communist revolution in North American society. It's
this slow development that we least expect, and will slowly weaken us. It
is this slow development tactic that the communist has adopted, and it is
this slow development that is perfectly defined by the word "Subversion".
I will let you all think of your own example of this Subversion, but it is
very apparent to me that it has become a part of our lives in a big way.
Once again, Lies plus Subversion equal Conspiracy. With this, I hope you
will see that there is a communist and leftist conspiracy. It has infected
us almost to the point where we no longer have control over it.
Here's a few tips on how to remove the Communist influence from your
life:
- Don't recycle. Recycling is an idea attached to the majority of
environmental organizations. Environmentalism is definitely a
cog in the machine of Communist takeover.
- Don't support social services, they are merely a way for Communists
to raise extra financial support for our government.
- Freedom of Speech in the form of unrestricted rights is also another
tool of "their" revolution. With no restriction on freedom of speech
it would be so easy for Communists to publish revolutionary tactics
and rhetoric in the form of books, poems, and heavy metal/punk rock
music.
- Feminism is a ploy to involve women in the front lines of Guerrilla
Warfare. While in some countries the status of women is quite low,
in Canada men and women are equal and to give women more rights would
be to give children firearms and dress them up in boy scout uniforms
so that we could have yet one more enemy where we least suspect. There
is no need for feminism in a civilized society, it's bad enough that
Communists have men to fight their wars. And bad enough that literature
is also a weapon. The same goes for civil rights movement, and racial
action groups(if men and women of all races can wage a revolution then
our liveliness and happiness will truly be obliterated).
- Homosexuality is wrong. Only 1%(contrary to the common statistic of
10%) of society is homosexual. That makes them a fringe group, and
their practices are against all the concepts of verility, defined
sexual identities(ie: man and woman). They are simply social outcasts
and often sympathizers of Communism. Also there is no such thing as
a latent homosexual, that is another manipulation. Homosexuals decide
to live their lifestyles because they are afraid of the opposite sex,
often face rejection from the opposite sex and want to experiment
with their sexuality(which means they have no principles and thus are
a target for Communist doctrine). They simply cannot be trusted.
- Although this one is hard to identify, a majority are artists are
communists or communist sympathizers. Particularily watch out
for art that is obscene, inflammatory or designed as a some sort
of cunning "social statement". The artistic community has helped
elevate the seriousness of a Communist threat.
==============================================================================
One last important thing, if you are going to vote in the next election
then it would be most helpful to our society if you voted Reform. While
their policies are very weak in many places, and their ideas about social
services and immigration are perhaps a little too left wing they are
generally the best party in Canada. Perhaps in the future there will
be a stronger and much inspirational party but for now we have to settle
for what there is.
====+ +====
"This is an addition to the Destroyer Series. Fred Ward read this story when it
was first written. He had suggested that it be turned into a screen play." -
fifteen
====+ +====
CREMO WILLIAMS
"THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES"
PART IV
[fifteen/ssu#0]
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
CHAPTER ONE
===========
Chiun sat on a fluffy cushion watching a pretty soap opera. The soap opera
was pretty and it had characters that sprouted perky little rose buds.
Chiun was hired by the government. For an organization that doesnt exist.
For a mission that doesnt exist. To get a pay-cheque that doesnt exist.
CHAPTER TWO
===========
"Oh you pitiful goat!" said Chiun.
"I am?" said Cremo.
"You are." said Chiun.
"Yes. You will never be born Korean" said Chiun.
"You got me Chiun." said Cremo.
And the arguement was over- finally.
CHAPTER THREE
=============
Cremo sat on a fluffy cushion watching a pretty soap opera. The soap opera
was pretty and it had characters that sprouted perky little rose buds.
Cremo was hired by the government. For an organization that doesnt exist.
For a mission that doesnt exist. To get a pay-cheque that doesnt exist.
CHAPTER FOUR
============
"Oh you pitiful goat!" said Cremo.
"I am?" said Chiun.
"You are." said Cremo.
"Yes. You will never be born Korean" said Cremo.
"You got me Cremo." said Chiun.
And the arguement was over- finally.
CHAPTER FIVE
============
"Oh im almost into the top secret government vault." said Chiun
"Excellent." said Cremo.
"Oh I almost have the top secret file." said Chiun
"Gnarly." said Cremo.
"Oh my hand is almost attached to the file." said Chiun
"Are you sure it's not something else?" said Cremo
"What? What do you mean?" said Chiun
"Err forget it." said Cremo
"There my hand is firmly attached to the file." said Chiun
"Tubular!" said Cremo
"Tubular?" said Chiun
"Ok lets go. I hear the German Shephards coming!" said Cremo
"Ok lets run." said Chiun
CHAPTER SIX
===========
"Oh im almost into the top secret government vault." said Cremo
"Excellent." said Chiun.
"Oh I almost have the top secret file." said Cremo
"Gnarly." said Chiun.
"Oh my hand is almost attached to the file." said Cremo
"Are you sure it's not something else?" said Chiun
"What? What do you mean?" said Cremo
"Err forget it." said Chiun
"There my hand is firmly attached to the file." said Cremo
"Tubular!" said Chiun
"Tubular?" said Cremo
"Ok lets go. I hear the Basset Hounds coming!" said Chiun
"Ok lets run." said Cremo
CHAPTER SEVEN
=============
"This valley sure is high." said Chiun
"But look Chiun, it is also long." said Cremo
"It is very treacherous to cross." said Chiun
"Especially with those radioactive alligators" said Cremo
"How should we get across it?" said Chiun
"We should walk." said Cremo
"Walk across what? The air?" said Chiun
"Yep." said Cremo
"Wow that was easy." said Chiun
"See you later alligators." said Cremo
"In awhile crocodile." said Chiun
CHAPTER EIGHT
=============
"This valley sure is high." said Cremo
"But look Chiun, it is also long." said Chiun
"It is very treacherous to cross." said Cremo
"Especially with those radioactive crocodiles" said Chiun
"How should we get across it?" said Cremo
"We should walk." said Chiun
"Walk across what? The air?" said Cremo
"Yep." said Chiun
"Wow that was easy." said Cremo
"See you later crocodile." said Chiun
"In awhile alligator." said Cremo
CHAPTER NINE
============
"Look at that girl." said Chiun
"She will help us get the file across the border patrol" said Cremo
"Hi my name is Becky perhaps you need me to smuggle a top secret file
guarded by vicious rotweillers across the border patrol?" said Becky
"I know a nine-point Synanjew secret to smuggle anything into a wet
tunnel." said Chiun
"What? What do you mean?" said Cremo
"Err forget it." said Chiun
"Wow that was easy." said Becky
"It was." said Cremo
"It was indeed." said Chiun
CHAPTER TEN
===========
"Look at that girl." said Cremo
"She will help us get the file across the border patrol" said Chiun
"Hi my name is Rebecca perhaps you need me to smuggle a top secret file
guarded by vicious pitbulls across the border patrol?" said Rebecca
"I know a nine-point Sinanjew secret to smuggle anything into a wet
tunnel." said Cremo
"What? What do you mean?" said Chiun
"Err forget it." said Cremo
"Wow that was easy." said Rebecca
"It was." said Chiun
"It was indeed." said Cremo
CHAPTER ELEVEN
==============
"That job was easy." said Chiun
"And so is Becky I hear." said Cremo
"What? What do you mean?" said Becky
"Err forget it" said Cremo
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Chiun
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Becky
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Cremo
CHAPTER TWELVE
==============
"That job was easy." said Cremo
"And so is Rebecca I hear." said Chiun
"What? What do you mean?" said Rebecca
"Err forget it" said Chiun
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Cremo
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Rebecca
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Chiun
THE END
====+ +====
"Lou Farrakhan published this himself in the Nation of Islam newsletter" -
Jack the Lad
====+ +====
The Offical Racial Purity Test
[fifteen/ssu#0]
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
******************************************************************************
The following is a racial purity test. This is put out by W.A.N. (White Aryan
Nations), C.I.A. (Christian Identity Aryans) and N.W.F. (New White Front).
******************************************************************************
This file was disseminated originally to serve the purpose of self-policing.
On the first draft of the W.A.N. application form, it was unclear to some
members how involved/dedicated they had to be to the "cause" to gain
entrance into our organization. We discovered, after a few detailed
background checks and some disappointing results we had decided to draw
up the official 'Whiteman's Guide to Clean Living'; which is now the basis
for most of the major white separatism groups in North America. The "WGCL"
was a list of questions varying from the mild and innocent questions which
only probe the current lifestyle of the applicant to the more important
questions which help people live their lives day-to-day. Background and
the personal histories of each potential W.A.N. member is very important
to us because it is indicative of how involved and truly contributionary
they will be to our movement.
We have adapted the original WGCL into a text to follow the spirit of
the somewhat legendary PurityTest, for interest and entertainment.
All of the aforementioned groups are no longer in existance, and this
file is not to be considered hate literature or of racist content
because it is only a comparison to the reputable and widely distributed
PurityTest. It is not our intention to offend, and if the initial
affect of the distribution of this file is negative we deny all
responsibility.
Also it is important that we stress that this file is based entirely
on a political bias and by no means it is a complete representation
of the White Race, or any race, sect, religion or culture. It is
also not based on the current scientific standard of genetics, purity,
and heritage. Lastly and most importantly, it is not an attempt to
express our politics or beliefs. We would appreciate it most if you
see this as being completely non-dogmatic and especially typical
of what all white separatist organizations believe.
==============================================================================
And now the follow is the revised version of the RacialPurityTest or
RPT for short. This was composed some years ago, after the original
version of the test in the application won major awards and critical
acclaim in such magazines as Thunderbolt 2000, Cross Burners Digest and
the Whiteman's Guide to Survival in a Desolate America. So sit back
and read the tame version of the RPT.
(01) Are you a Christian? (If Catholic, answer No.)
(02) Are you an American citizen?
(03) Are you originally of European descent? (If Spanish, Italian or
Portuguese, answer No.)
(04) Do you understand the ideal of a separate White Nation?
(05) Do you support the ideal of a separate White Nation?
(06) Have your ancestors lived in America for more than one hundred years?
(07) Have your ancestors lived in America for more the fifty years?
(It is possible to answer Yes for -6- and -7-.)
(08) Have you abstained from the use of narcotics?
(09) Are you currently free of a narcotics habit?
(10) Have you ever taken part in racially motivated violence?
(11) Have you ever kept a racial bias in the workplace?
(12) Do you support the ideal of Apartheid?
(13) Do you support Racial Segregation?
(14) Have you ever participated in any political organizations?
(15) Do you maintain a rightest-traditionalist-fundamentalist viewpoint on
the current state of world politics?
(16) Do you believe in the right to bear arms?
(17) Are you a member of any sub-culture orientated youth movement?
(18) Do you understand the ideal of white power?
Can you define the following terms? (Yes or No required)
(19) KKK?
(20) A.N.?
(21) W.A.R.?
(22) A.R.M.?
(23) NF?
(24) C.I.S.?
(25) HF?
(26) S&AOTL?
(27) ZOG?
(28) JDL?
(29) AFL?
---------
(30) Do you think that immigration laws should be stiffened?
(31) Do you support Capital Punishment?
(32) Do you believe that purity can only be attained through the
elimination of racial mixing?
(33) Do you support revisionist beliefs about the holocaust?
(34) Are you actively opposed to the centralization and organization of
minority and ethnic groups?
(35) Did you support the decision and witch-hunts of the McCarthy
Administrations in the 1950's?
(36) Did you support communist involvement in the Afghanistan conflict?
(37) Did you support America's involvement in Vietnam?
(38) Do you believe that there is a Jewish conspiracy?
(39) Do you believe that the Whiteman is the prophecized inheritor of the
Earth as spoken of in the Holy Bible?
(40) Do you believe in the theory of evolution is only valid in
demonstrating the natural superiority of the White Race? (As opposed
to the 'lesser' races.)
(41) Do you believe that the determination of race is passed through the
father?
(42) Do you believe that the existance of non-christian churches is
sacrilege in the eyes of God?
(43) Are you opposed to the growth of both the civil and gay rights
movement?
(44) Do you oppose the existance of rights to guarantee equal rights
employment?
(45) Do you believe that sexually promiscuous behaviour leads to the
mongrelization of the White Race?
(46) Do you hold the well-being of your nation above all else?
(47) Have you ever considered joining a White Power organization like the
Ku Klux Klan or the Aryan Nations?
(48) Do you understand the responsibility of belonging to such an
organizations?
(49) Would you put down your life for such an organization?
(50) Do you believe that racial cleansing is a justifiable means of
ensuring the purity of your race?
*******************************************************************************
SCORING SYSTEM:
The RPT was designed to be rated on a percentile basis.
A point is scored for each question that is answered with
a "Yes", no point is scored for an answer of "No" on any
question.
To reach a percentage result, simply multiply your total
score by Two. !50*2=100!
Example: A score of 26 out of 50 will warrant a total
percentage of 52 out of 100. This means you
have answered more than half of the questions
correctly.
RATINGS:
01-30% -- Scored Very Poorly.
31-55% -- Average.
56-85% -- Politically and Racially Fit.
86-100% -- Motivated and Equipped for a Seperate White
Nation.
====+ +====
"This was a 1950's horror film, it was popular back then, so we decided to make
it into a story. We still think its pretty current and it still has the eerie
feeling to it." - Jack the Lad
====+ +====
THE FROGMAN FROM KREEMO ISLAND - IN 3-D!
PART IV
'CHARLIE'S INHERITANCE'
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
[fifteen/ssu#0]
CHAPTER ONE
===========
Cindy sat under a beach umbrella contemplating her marriage. The beach
umbrella was magical. It spurted out the magical extract 'Diamond Engagement
Braclet'. She was expecting to marry Nathan in the winter. She lived in sunny
New Jersey.
CHAPTER TWO
===========
"Oh Nathan is such a good catch don't you think Ethel the Maid?" said Cindy
"He certainly is rich and has very good manners but he may not turn out
to be such a good husband after the marriage." said Ethel the Maid
"I hope that he is good with children." said Cindy
"Well I guess I shouldn't nit-pick." said Ethel the Maid
The heated argument was over- finally.
CHAPTER THREE
=============
Susan sat under a beach umbrella contemplating her marriage. The beach
umbrella was magical. It spurted out the magical extract 'Diamond Engagement
Bracelet'. She was expecting to marry Murphy in the winter. She lived in sunny
Montana.
CHAPTER FOUR
============
"Oh Murphy is such a good catch don't you think Ozuba the Maid?" said Susan
"He certainly is rich and has very good manners but he may not turn out
to be such a good husband after the marriage." said Ozuba the Maid
"I hope that he is good with children." said Susan
"Well I guess I shouldn't nit-pick." said Ozuba the Maid
The heated argument was over- finally.
CHAPTER FIVE
============
"Ethel, did you know that Nathan is an archeologist and he has to go to
Kreemo Island to dig up Polynesian gold statues." said Cindy
"Why no I did not! It sounds like a major career step. He was only a
student before." said Ethel the Maid
"Unfortunately this means we are going to have to postpone the wedding
until the spring." said Cindy
"Thats to bad." said Ethel the Maid
CHAPTER SIX
===========
"Ozuba, did you know that Murphy is an archeologist and he has to go to
Kreemo Island to dig up Polynesian gold statues." said Susan
"Why no I did not! It sounds like a major career step. He was only a
student before." said Ozuba the Maid
"Unfortunately this means we are going to have to postpone the wedding
until the spring." said Susan
"Thats to bad." said Ozuba the Maid
CHAPTER SEVEN
=============
"I have terrible news Cindy." said Ethel the Maid
"What? What could it be? What is it?" said Cindy
"Nathan has gone MISSING! from his expedition on Kreemo Island." said
Ethel the Maid
"That means we are going to have to go there to find my missing dear
fiance." said Cindy
"Your right" said Ethel the Maid
"Pack the bags Ethel, we are going to Kreemo Island!" said Cindy
CHAPTER EIGHT
=============
"I have terrible news Susan." said Ozuba the Maid
"What? What could it be? What is it?" said Susan
"Nathan has gone MISSING! from his expedition on Kreemo Island." said
Ozuba the Maid
"That means we are going to have to go there to find my missing dear
fiance." said Susan
"Your right." said Ozuba the Maid
"Pack the bags Ozuba, we are going to Kreemo Island!" said Susan
CHAPTER NINE
============
"Looks like we are ready for take-off Cindy." said Ethel the Maid
"It looks like it." said Cindy
"Wow that looks like a huge statue of a frog!" said Ethel the Maid
"That looks like the Polynesian gold statues my fiance was digging up!"
said Cindy
"But this one has already been erected." said Ethel the Maid
"I know something I want to see erected." said Cindy
"What? What do you mean?" said Ethel the Maid
"Err forget it." said Cindy
CHAPTER TEN
===========
"Looks like we are ready for take-off Susan." said Ozuba the Maid
"It looks like it." said Susan
"Wow that looks like a huge statue of a frog!" said Ozuba the Maid
"That looks like the Polynesian gold statues my fiance was digging up!"
said Susan
"But this one has already been erected." said Ozuba the Maid
"I know something I want to see erected." said Susan
"What? What do you mean?" said Ozuba the Maid
"Err forget it." said Susan
CHAPTER ELEVEN
==============
"Look! Footprints in the mud!" said Cindy
"It looks as if someone has been walking all over the island in
flippers!" said Ethel the Maid
"It looks like we are the butt of a shenanigan. Probably the natives found
a diving suit that washed ashore. But lets look for Nathan." said Cindy
"Ok good idea." said Ethel the Maid
"Oh hi Nathan, where did you go? We heard you were missing!" said Cindy
"Uhh no where I just uhh went off." said Nathan
"You had us worried, we traveled all the way down here to look for you!"
said Ethel the Maid
"Oh but it was worth it to see my dear Nathan. Oh I love you." said Cindy
CHAPTER TWELVE
==============
"Look! Footprints in the mud!" said Susan
"It looks as if someone has been walking all over the island in
flippers!" said Ozuba the Maid
"It looks like we are the butt of a shenanigan. Probably the natives found
a diving suit that washed ashore. But lets look for Nathan." said Susan
"Ok good idea." said Ozuba the Maid
"Oh hi Nathan, where did you go? We heard you were missing!" said Susan
"Uhh no where I just uhh went off." said Nathan
"You had us worried, we traveled all the way down here to look for you!"
said Ozuba the Maid
"Oh but it was worth it to see my dear Nathan. Oh I love you." said Susan
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
================
"Uhh it's lovely to see you both." said Nathan
"Nathan, are you alright?" said Ethel the Maid
"My Lord! It seems that Ethel the Maid has been murdered." said Cindy
"And Nathan has disappeared!" said Cindy
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
================
"Uhh it's lovely to see you both." said Murphy
"Murphy, are you alright?" said Ozuba the Maid
"My Lord! It seems that Ozuba the Maid has been murdered." said Susan
"And Nathan has disappeared!" said Cindy
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
===============
"I think I should get to the bottom of this I MUST find Nathan" said Cindy
"I know what I'd like to get to the bottom of." said Steele the Musky
Archeologist
"What? What do you mean?" said Cindy
"Err forget it." said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"Ok lets go find Nathan." said Cindy
"Excellent." said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"Oh no! Something menacing towards us!" said Cindy
"I must kill it with my machete." said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"But wait! It has the eyes of my beloved Nathan!" said Cindy
"It jumped on top of Cindy! And it's tearing at her sun-dress!" said
Steele the Musky Archeologist
"Help me Steele the Musky Archeologist!" said Cindy
"Well im glad its dead." said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"The natives must of TRANSFORMED Nathan into a carnivorous FROGMAN!" said
Cindy
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
===============
"I think I should get to the bottom of this I MUST find Murphy" said Susan
"I know what I'd like to get to the bottom of." said Dan the Muscled
Archeologist
"What? What do you mean?" said Susan
"Err forget it." said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"Ok lets go find Murphy." said Susan
"Excellent." said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"Oh no! Something menacing towards us!" said Susan
"I must kill it with my broadsword." said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"But wait! It has the eyes of my beloved Murphy!" said Susan
"It jumped on top of Susan! And it's tearing at her sun-dress!" said Dan
the Muscled Archeologist
"Help me Dan the Muscled Archeologist!" said Susan
"Well im glad its dead." said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"The natives must of TRANSFORMED Murphy into carnivorous FROGMAN!" said
Susan
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
=================
"Im glad we are home Steele the Musky Archeologist." said Cindy
"What are you going to do now that your marriage plans are cancelled?"
said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"Well, I was thinking that you and I could get hitched." said Cindy
"Oh Cindy, you darling!" said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"Oh Steele! I love you!" said Cindy
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Steele the Musky Archeologist
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Cindy
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
================
"Im glad we are home Dan the Muscled Archeologist." said Susan
"What are you going to do now that your marriage plans are cancelled?"
said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"Well, I was thinking that you and I could get hitched." said Susan
"Oh Susan, you darling!" said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"Oh Dan! I love you!" said Susan
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Dan the Muscled Archeologist
"Hahahahahahahaha." said Susan
THE END
====+ +====
"A real down to earth real life story of a spy who retired from the C.I.A. last
year." - fifteen
====+ +====
KREEMoo4/5
PART IV
'GARY'S GROSS INCOME'
[fifteen/ssu#0]
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
CHAPTER ONE
===========
Agent oo4 was sitting in his spy-car. It was an attractive spy-car. The
spy-car was attactive and big. It was a mystical spy-car, the spy-car was
mystical. It spurted out the mystical lotion 'Acid-Squirt-Ball-Point-Spy-Pens'.
He or she was on a top secret assignment. An assignment that was top secret.
The secret of the assignment was to secure a classified document in a safe.
CHAPTER TWO
===========
"Are you ready for your top secret assignment?" said The Director of
Assignments
"Yes, director." said Agent oo4
"That's The Director of Assignments to you!" said The Director of
Assignments
"Sorry for the informality, The Director of Assignments, will I be heading
down to Research and Development to try some new top secret spy-gadgets?" said
Agent oo4
"Yes, you will." said The Director of Assignments
"It's a nice time of year for a stroll." said the Male or Female Secretary
"Yes, it is. Im going down to Research and Development. A stroll? Out of
the question." said Agent oo4
CHAPTER THREE
=============
Agent oo5 was sitting in his spy-car. It was an attractive spy-car. The
spy-car was attractive and big. It was a mystical spy-car, the spy-car was
mystical. It spurted out the mystical lotion
'Bullet-Shooting-Cyanide-Gas-Spraying-Spy-Umbrellas'.
He or she was on a top secret assignment. An assignment that was top
secret. The secret of the assignment was to secure a classified document in a
safe.
CHAPTER FOUR
============
"Are you ready for your top secret spy mission?" said The Director of Top
Secret Spy-Missions
"Yes, director." said Agent oo5
"Thats The Director of Top Secret Spy-Missions to you!" said The Director of
Top Secret Spy-Missions
"Sorry for the informality, The Director of Top Secret Spy-Missions, will I
be heading down to Reseach and Development to try some new top secret
spy-gadgets?" said Agent oo5
"Yes, you will." said The Director of Top Secret Spy-Missions
"It's a nice time of year for a stroll." said the Male or Female Secretary
"Yes, it is. Im going down to Research and Development. A stroll? Out of
the question." said Agent oo5
CHAPTER FIVE
============
"Dammit. A retina scan. My eye has been on the fritz lately. Something
called night blindness. Im glad I passed." said Agent oo4
"Here are our newest spy-gadget toys." said The Crazed Scientist who might
be Male or Female
"These gadgets are fascinating. Thank you for your time." said Agent oo4
"Yes, Agent oo4." said The Crazed Scientist who might be Male or Female
CHAPTER SIX
===========
"Dammit. A retina scan. My eye has been on the fritz lately. Something
called night blindness. Im glad I passed." said Agent oo5
"Here are our newest spy-gadget toys." said The Crazed Scientist who might
be a Man or a Woman
"These gadgets are fascinating. Thank you for your time." said Agent oo5
"Yes, Agent oo5." said The Crazed Scientist who might be a Man or a Woman
CHAPTER SEVEN
=============
"Thank god my spy-card gives me frequent flyer miles so that I can get to
Kreemoo Island. Unfortunately, Kreemoo Island is currently under democratic
rule." said Agent oo4
"We are landing now." said the Pilot
"This island sure is nice." said Agent oo4
"Hello. May I buy you a drink?" said The Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of
the Opposite Sex
"I will have a dry whiskey. Shaken. Not stirred. With an avocado." said
Agent oo4
"Make that two." said The Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of the Opposite
Sex
"Now that it's the morning, do you still respect me?" said The Rich
Jet-Setting Industrialist of the Opposite Sex
"Of course, but I have business to attend to." said Agent oo4
CHAPTER EIGHT
=============
"Thank god my spy-card gives me frequent flyer miles so that I can get to
Kreemoo Island. Unfortunately, Kreemoo Island is currently under capitalist
rule." said Agent oo5
"We are landing now." said the Pilot
"This island sure is nice." said Agent oo5
"Oui, Bonjour. May moi buy you a drink?" said The Wealthy Affluent Super
Model of the Opposite Sex
"I will have a dry whiskey. Shaken. Not stirred. With a papaya." said
Agent oo5
"Make that two." said The Wealthy Affluent Super Model of the Opposite
Sex
"Now that it's morning, do you still respect me?" said The Wealthy
Affluent Super Model of the Opposite Sex
"Of course, but I have business to attend to." said Agent oo5
CHAPTER NINE
============
"What's this Polynesian gold statue doing here in the middle of the
jungle?" said The Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of the Opposite Sex
"My observations determine that it has an uncanny resemblance to a frog."
said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"I see the mansion up ahead through the bush, thank god you decided to
become a Double-Agent and show us the way through the jungle!" said Agent oo4
"Oh no, we will have to cross this hidden valley to get to the mansion..
It's so long.." said The Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of the Opposite Sex
"I have a little something here which can also become very long with the
proper attention." said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"What? What do you mean?" said The Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of the
Opposite Sex
"Err forget it." said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"This valley looks very treacherous." said Agent oo4
"Especially with those rabid radioactive alligators down there!" said The
Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of the Opposite Sex
"im glad we crossed it. One less obstacle." said The Double-Agent Covering
as an Archeologist
CHAPTER TEN
===========
"What's this Polynesian gold statue doing here in the middle of the
jungle?" said The Wealthy Affluent Super Model of the Opposite Sex
"My observations determine that it has an uncanny resemblance to a frog."
said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"I see the mansion up ahead through the bush, thank god you decided to
become a Double-Agent and show us the way through the jungle!" said Agent oo5
"Oh no, we will have to cross this secret valley to get to the mansion..
It's so long.." said The Wealthy Affluent Super Model of the Opposite Sex
"I have a little something here which can also become very long with the
proper attention." said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"What? What do you mean?" said The Wealthy Affluent Super Model of the
Opposite Sex
"Err forget it." said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"This valley looks very treacherous." said Agent oo5
"Especially with those rabid radioactive alligators down there!" said The
Wealthy Affluent Super Model of the Opposite Sex
"im glad we crossed it. One less obstacle." said The Double-Agent Covering
as an Archeologist
CHAPTER ELEVEN
==============
"This is a nice mansion. To bad I will have to destroy it." said Agent oo4
"You will have to go through me first, my cause will be remembered in the
hearts and minds of the youngsters who want to see the world change in the
positive way!" said The Opportunistic Young Leader of the Benevolent Forces of
Good Against Dictatoral Rule
"Oh no! you have knocked out The Rich Jet-Setting Industrialist of the
Opposite Sex" said Agent oo4
"This is my chance to attack the Opportunistic Young Leader of the
Benevolent Forces of Good Against Dictatoral Rule from behind! No Genre
Immune!" said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"It's too bad they both died. It looks like his servant has become his
demise. No Genre Immune! Victory!" said Agent oo4
CHAPTER TWELVE
==============
"This is a nice mansion. To bad I will have to destroy it." said Agent oo5
"You will have to go through me first, my cause will be remembered in the
hearts and minds of the youngsters who want to see the world change in the
positive way!" said The Charismatic Young Leader of the Benevolent Forces of
Good Against Totalitarian Rule
"Oh no! you have knocked out The Wealthy Affluent Super Model of the
Opposite Sex" said Agent oo5
"This is my chance to attack the Charismatic Young Leader of the
Benevolent Forces of Good Against Totalitarian Rule from behind! No Genre
Immune!" said The Double-Agent Covering as an Archeologist
"It's too bad they both died. It looks like his servant has become his
demise. No Genre Immune! Victory!" said Agent oo5
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
================
"My hand is almost firmly attached to the file now." said Agent oo4
"Good work." said Ozuba the Maid
"My hand is now firmly attached to the file now." said Agent oo4
"Excellent." said Ozuba the Maid
"I think I hear the docile fire-breathing hellhounds!" said Agent oo4
"Ok, lets run." said Ozuba the Maid
"Ok, RUN!" said Agent oo4
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
================
"My hand is almost firmly attached to the file now." said Agent oo5
"Good work." said Ethel the Maid
"My hand is now firmly attached to the file now." said Agent oo5
"Excellent." said Ethel the Maid
"I think I hear the friendly blood-slurping acid-spitting doberman
pinchers!" said Agent oo5
"Ok,
Ozuba the Maid
"Looks like i'll have to use my machete on the carnivorous FROGMAN!" said
Agent oo4
"Ok, good do it!" said Ozuba the Maid
"There, it's dead. Im glad hes dead." said Agent oo4
"My beloved Nathan has disappeared!" said Cindy
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
===============
"It looks like someone has been walking all over the island in flippers!"
said Agent oo5
"It looks like we are the butt of a shenanigan again." said Ethel the Maid
"Looks like i'll have to use my machete on the carnivorous FROGMAN!" said
Agent oo5
"Ok, good do it!" said Ethel the Maid
"There, it's dead. Im glad hes dead." said Agent oo5
"My beloved Nathan has disappeared!" said Susan
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
=================
"Good work Agent oo4. You got the file." said The Director of Assignments
"Thank you." said Agent oo4
"I think you need a vacation Agent oo4." said The Director of Assignments
"The secret is very interesting." said Agent oo4
"Excellent." said The Director of Assignments
"I think im up for that stroll now." said Agent oo4
"Hahahahahahaha." said The Secretary who may be a Man or a Woman
"Hahahahahahaha." said Agent oo4
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
================
"Good work Agent oo4. You got the file." said The Director of Top Secret
Spy-Missions
"Thank you." said Agent oo5
"I think you need a vacation Agent oo5." said The Director of Top Secret
Spy-Missions
"The secret is very interesting." said Agent oo5
"Excellent." said The Director of Top Secret Spy-Missions
"I think im up for that stroll now." said Agent oo5
"Hahahahahahaha." said The Secretary who may be a Man or a Woman
"Hahahahahahaha." said Agent oo5
THE END
====+ +====
"Sorry but this one is serious folks." - fifteen
====+ +====
Ceremony of Blood
-------- -- -----
[fifteen/ssu#0]
The precipitation of unkempt masses had slowed due to the darkening of the
sky, and the neccesity of the market-goers' loved ones. The shops were
closing, yet most secretly re-opening to service the greed of Tokyo's night
life. A familiar peace, that of exhaustion, spread through the neon city like
a great drought washed clean by a short rain. This moment was the one pure
thing to come from the accelerated avarice of several previous generations. A
scenery of the everyday, observed by none, with a deliberate exception.
Watanabe Toru took solace in the temporary silence of the city, while others
prepared.
Iyetsu Kensuke, a simple man in a world of jesters, was growing impatient
as he stood in a paper room. This distraction, this informality, was grating
the nerves of this precocious fanatic. An oath he took, the prelude to his
iniation was about to be consummated. Kensuke was but a pawn in the eyes of
the esteemed leaders who forced him to wait, but he was determined to end his
interview with great efficiency. "Mister Iyetsu.." a voice cornered into the
room from the sliding door. He forced himself into the other room, dancing on
the edge of frustration. This room identical to the previous in every detail,
except for the faces which decorated it. The one that called was a mere
hireling, stuck between a position of authority and that of abject
complacency. Unnoticed, the door was closed by the studious hands of the
clonelike servant. The man in the room climbed to meet Kensuke in a short
bow. "There will be no introductions, Mister Iyetsu, as we will not meet
again" said the ancient man of the room. Kensuke gave an obligatory nod, not
questioning the statement. He barely managed not to cringe upon his first
full look at this man, upon those shrivelled folds and layers of his aged
face. The decrepit features of the man moved with a ragged grace that seemed
to control the contours of his outdated business suit. This man was a rotted
skeleton at best, a shell waiting for the soul to finally abandon it and in
this he was no different than any esteemed man in Tokyo. "Have you decided on
my task of initiation?" were Kensuke's first words, practiced to ring with an
unmeasured amount of enthusiasm. At this the great old man folded his loose
hands and seemed to grasp at an answer. "From this very day, you will be cut
from the world, never to look back at solid ground". "I understand" said
Kensuke, wishing for the old man to hurry. "Your life will be forfeit to
build our cause, and your death meaningful only to the advancement of it"
said the Old man with delay. "I offer my life willingly, and will accept
death without any reservation" replied Kensuke in military fashion. "Then I
can only hope that your dedication will fertilize our mission of anachronism,
but dedication is something which must be tested before relied upon.." the Old
man uttered with insight. "It is in your hands, I will submit to any test of
your design" said Kensuke. The Old man communicatively nodded, and the servant
snuck out the door to obtain a contract and some documents.
Toru was interrupted by a wave of traffic, his peace has perished for
another day. He adjusted the rose on his tuxedo and curiously eyed his gold
watch. Pacing around the water fountain at which he waited, he made sure that
no one was watching, that no one would shame him for what he was about to
take part in. Inspecting his watch again, he found the time to drift into
thought. This was his last night in Tokyo, his rise in the zaibatsu had
warranted a transfer to Thailand to head up the advertising division. The
accomplishments so far almost totally a result of upbringing and family
honor, he needed a chance to earn freedom from his fathers glory. Watanabe
Fukami had won leadership of the zaibatsu by defending it from an almost
certain takeover, a white collar warrior who had predetermined the future's of
his children and their children by his success. Toru was ashamed of the
position he was defaulted into by birth, a life with no variation and void of
it's own ambitions. He was to inherit a throne and legacy, but not of his own
ability. Thailand allowed him to finally get away from the source, not
entitling him to freedom but at least lessening the aggravation. The night
before he shipped out, he was to visit his lover.
Kensuke, on edge from his interview, managed marginally to catch the bullet
train that would take him to his destination. He cleaned himself from the
reflection in the glass of the train window, straightening his tie, brushing
off his coat and combing the hair that which just fell short of complimenting
his square face. The train travelled to the proper stop, and with effort
Kensuke made it out the doors before they closed. He walked up and through the
train terminal and out into the pristine streets. He tried his best to
conpensate for the delay faced earlier and his pace quickened to a slow jog.
The water fountain came into sight as Kensuke returned to a walk, and
immediately he spotted his friend Toru. Kensuke and Toru exchanged knowing
glances and they walked business-like to Kensuke's apartment. Arrangements had
been made that Kensuke would be followed, and a black sedan rode close to the
curb observing the two lovers from a distance.
The washroom of the apartment was immaculately clean, and Iyetsu Kensuke
stood shaving in front of a steamed mirror, convulsively. A few nicks were
bandaged and Kensuke squated on the floor in his housecoat, hugging his legs
as he shook from fear. After a slight moment of introspection he wiped the
indecision from his face and a cold intensity filled its place. He tip-toed
expertly into the bedroom and reached into his closet, seeing that Toru was
asleep. The bed was a spent mass of passion, intricately build, and ruined
only by the body that slept there. Kensuke removed an heirloom sword from the
top shelf of the closet and moved steadily towards the bed. Toru sleepily
sighed and rolled to face the other side of the room as Kensuke's heart shrunk
with terror. Kensuke took a traditional Samurai stance and progressively drew
the decoratively deadly Katana. Toru began snoring in a content bliss,
unaware of the impending doom that lurked above him. Precision conquered as an
earth-shattered Kiai bellowed through the room and the Katana sealed itself in
the bed, slowed only by flesh, tendon and brainstem. What lay there now was a
slender japanese body, gushing rivers of blood, denied of even a twitch or a
moment to look death in the eye. The head shot into the headboard making a
deep sound, and Kensuke shrieked a spray of crimson afterlife soiled his
white terri-cloth housecoat. He tore the sword from the bed of sin, and held
it in the air bragging of the life it had just reaped. To keep himself from a
breakdown, Kensuke screamed another endless Kiai and shook his tightly
locked arms with blood-fury. The water from bath dripped down mixing with
the sweat of his tension and the light above burned down like a spotlight.
Kensuke sheathed the ceremonial weapon, exempt from the shock that was about
to hit and aggressively packed a week's clothing into a suitcase. He ran
unconsciously towards the street below, tripping on the stairs and scraping
the sheathe of the blade which he carried in the hand opposite to the
suitcase.
Parked suspiciously outside was the black sedan, which waited the whole
night for a single purpose. Kensuke almost hit the car when he tumbled
through the door in a blood soaked housecoat and the car door opened briefly
to allow him inside. It set in finally, and Kensuke gripped for the reality
of the night. "Your lover is dead?" said the driver of the man, an offensive
looking japanese with bulging muscles and a designer business suit. "H-he is
dead" Kensuke said with little strength. The car drove off, approaching
safety from the law that would eventually pursue. Iyetsu Kensuke had passed
the test, that of murdering his corporatist lover. Kensuke had entered the
life he so desired, taking his first step into the darkness and forever
pledging to die for a forgotten cause.
[This story is affectionately dedicated to Mushima Yukio, a patriot and
artist of post-war Japan. His works were a reflection upon the progress and
reparation that Japan had initiated after the bombing of Nagasaki and
Hiroshima. Mishima(in traditional manner, the surname is listed
first as to give respect and clearance to the family over the self) was an
ardent political activist and much of what he wrote was a statement of his
traditionalist views. His life was pure, and ethical, his death the perfect
statement to a life of many achievements. In his creative period, ages 20 to
45, Mishima had written over 200 works which included plays, novels, stories
and poems. His was a testament to the perfection of mind and body, as he
studied Kendo and Karate, achieving a high rank in both as well as being a
body-builder and accomplished actor. In every sense of the word, he was a true
samurai, despite his own self-doubts. It was on November 25th of 1970 that
has life ended, not as a violent protest but rather as a meditative ritual of
completion. This was the day he finished the Sea of Fertility series, the
thing he claimed was the sum of his life. This story was written on this same
day, of 1993. The main character(Iyetsu Kensuke), in different circumstances
could have been a younger Yukio. While I am not an advocator of his politics,
nor his way of life, I am amazed and inspired by the accomplishments of his
life. I have seen no better example of honor, or sensitivity and it is this
reason that he has been compared to the likes of Earnest Hemingway and Fyodor
Dostoyevsky. It is unfortunate that this artist has only recieved acclaim in
small circles. He chose to end his own life, yet others have only lived
through him vicariously. I wrote this for others who could relate to his
messages, in hope that it will be a reminder for them to attempt to achieve
all of their dreams and not to settle for a life of misery and monotony.]
====+ +====
"I feel that the problem described in this file is on an equal level with the
current economic disparities in Canada." - Jack the Lad
====+ +====
NONE DARE CALL IT CONSPIRACY
By
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
PART ONE
'Don't Confuse Me With The Facts'
=================================
Most of us have had the experience, either as parents or youngsters, of
trying to discover the "hidden picture" within another picture in a children's
magazine. Usually you are shown a landscape with trees, bushes, flowers and
other bits of nature. The caption reads something like this: "Concealed
somehwere in this picture is a donkey pulling a cart with a boy in it. Can you
find them?" Try as you might, usually you could not find the hidden picture
until you turned to a page farther back in the magazine which would reveal how
cleverly the artist had hidden it from us. If we study the landscape we realize
that the whole picture was painted in such a way as to conceal the real picture
within and once we see the "real picture," it stands out like the proverbial
painful digit.
It's obvious that a picture like this is intentionally painted to deceive
the onlooker. What kind of deception such a picture would weave is really kind
of ambigious, you can never really guess the purpose asides from the fact that
it initially fools the viewer. There are of course things in the real world
which are meant to fool and deceive the unsuspecting person.
PART TWO
'The Harvestmen Manipulators'
=============================
We all see things that are wrong with the world, and often when we sit
down and really discuss the issues at hand, we find some sort of point of
agreeance. It's not hard to really communicate a problem and be understood
because things like politics and economic issues are really quite petty.
Admittedly, we cant always find a resolution that everyone can agree with but
the acceptance is certainly a step in this direction. The problem I am about to
discuss traverses the world over, from the temperate climates of North America
to the tropics of South America, Hawaii and Asia as well as various spots in
many other significant parts of the world. It's a problem in physical size that
can easily be ignored but in physical number, it will overwhelm even the most
dedicated man. It dwells in the creaks and cracks in a crumbling urban society,
it preys at night on the small and weak. It has such a capacity for savagery,
that it can blindly crush its unsuspecting victim without a whim or a
hesistation. It is such a dispicable threat, that for each time you succeed over
it, it grows bigger and more numerous. The common name of this threat is the
Harvestmen and the impact on society and the power they have over us is
remarkable.
PART THREE
'Bankrolling The Harvestmen Revolution'
=======================================
Everyone who reads this bankrolls the Harvestmen Revolution in some way or
another. They may not know how they are doing it or even that they are
responsible for assisting this truly insidious cause. It measures down to even
the smallest or non-cheallant activities from digging a hole, or growing a
flower to even moving furniture or tending a vegetable garden. For the
Harvestmen are truly survivalists and one day they may take the habits of the
typical predator while the next, a scavenger. They are truly adaptive these
creatures and can evolve to torment even the most cunning person. As they
stalk or hide, they prepare and plan to achieve their ultimate victory over
mankind. Yes, everytime you plant a seed or trim a rose bush, they will be
watching -- waiting. Their cause depends on your apathy and ignorance towards
them and the revolution grows at an alarming rate as they reproduce. You may as
well be lending a hand to their cause like you wanted it to happen all along,
like you felt better as a slave to them.
PART FOUR
'Establishing The Establishment'
================================
The Harvestmen (sub-class Opiolines)
"Like the mites and ticks, the Harvestmen have the head, thorax and
abdomen fused into a single structure, but that is as far as the
similarity goes, for the latter are free-living predators upon other
arthropods. They often, but not always, have legs which can be up to 30
times the lenght of the body. (Mites and ticks have very short legs.) Body
size of most Harvestmen lies in range 0.25-0.5 in (6-12 mm).
They are the group most likely to be confused with spiders, but they may
be distinguised from the latter by the fused cephalothorax and abdomen
show clear segmentation, a characteristic found only in the rarely seen,
primitive liphistiid spiders.
Harvestmen are omnivorious in nature, living on small arthopods, dead or
alive, as well as fungus and plant material. Digestion is internal and
some solid food is taken in, something that is uncharacteristic of
arachnids. The male possesses a penis with which he introduces sperm into
the female's reproductive opening, and she then lays her eggs in cracks
and crevices around her with the assistance of her ovipositor. They have
worldwide distribution, though those from the tropics tend to be
shorter-legged than temperate species."
(an excerpt from 'Spiders an Illustrated Guide' by Rod Preston-Mafham and
published by New Burlington Books)
First off, lets get one thing straight. Harvestmen are NOT Daddylong Legs.
Daddylong Legs are Crane Flies, and Crane Flies can be easily identified as
giant mosquitoes which are attracted to light colours and occasionally wander
into your home. It is quite apparent that the size of the Harvestmen's threat
is so tremendous and so incredible, that it must be stopped in it's tracks. They
carry germs, they trespass on your property and occasionally attack you. I have
had many personal confrontations with these hell-spawn insects, at the cost of
life and limb. I am so overwhelmed with hatred and despair at the same time
that I an unable to truly have the upperhand. I kill and I kill and I kill and
I kill and I kill, sometimes I light them on fire, and other times I use the
more conventional method of just stomping out the little creatures with a stick
or shoe. Their nature is truly evil. Not only are they sickly looking, but they
eat all the smaller innocent insects. They are cunning and although fragile,
they are not afraid to fight for their cause. They cannot carry a rifle, oh but
they are life threatening indeed.
The male Harvestmen is a dark brown in colour. Its front teeth are smaller
than the females, which are long and deadly, but should not go unnoticed. If it
attaches itself to your skin, you will have a deadly enemy to deal with. If you
are having hand to hand combat with this vicious beast, be prepared to be
sprayed by its deady odorous substance. Since I have had many combat trials
with these insipid insectoid invaders, I know that the spray can be most
difficult to remove. I have scrubbed endlessly with soap and water but with no
prevail.
The female Harvestmen is a reddish colour. Unlike the male Harvestmen, the
front teeth of a female Harvestmen are extrememly long and vicious. If this
attacks you and manages to get onto your skin the pain will be excruciating. It
will likely spray you with its toxin and you will smell and have two small
teeth marks on your skin as it will attempt to eat you alive.
If you are confronted with more than one, it is very wise to take
precautions. You can either walk away like a coward, or you can stand up and
fight. The best way to fight more than one Harvestmen is to use a equal
concentration of Butane and WD-40 and pour it around the areas that the
Harvestmen inhabit. The next step is to light it, now I wouldn't suggest a
match or an ordinary lighter because you wouldn't want to get too close, (not
because you might burn yourself, but because the Harvestmen might jump up and
attempt to kill you) the most effective weapon is a barbeque lighter because of
the length.
PART FIVE
'You Are The Answer'
====================
There would be no point in writing this article unless I were to tell you
that the situation is not hopeless but you must understand that we, the humans,
are outnumbered. This is a battle not to be fought by a few men, but something
to be embraced by all men regardless of class, colour or creed. We cannot sit
down any longer if we plan to triumph over the evil that infests our walls,
basements and flower gardens. Its not a struggle of personal distaste or a
struggle for political power, it is for the safety and sanctity of all mankind.
With dedication, courage, honour and strength we can overcome the Harvestmen.
====+ +====
"A sexy romance that takes place in a famous historical period." - fifteen
====+ +====
SWASH-BUCKLING ADVENTURES ONBOARD THE 'CREEMOE'
PART IV
'BOBBY'S TAX RETURN'
CHAPTER ONE
===========
A young woman sat aboard the deck of the 'Creemoe'. It was a lovely boat,
which had magical sails, which spurted out the magical 'NGC-MAX-Observer
Tele-Scopes'.
She was on a mission of love- a love mission- a magical mission of romance
and warm embraces.
CHAPTER TWO
===========
"So have you decided who shall be blessed as your husband?" said Patrick
the Pure.
"No, I have not decided, I am torn between you, Patrick the Pure and Dirk
the Dastardly." said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Well decide soon, or my virtue shall wane." said Patrick the Pure
CHAPTER THREE
=============
A young woman sat aboard the deck of the 'Creemoe'. It was a lovely boat,
which had magical sail, which spurted out the magical 'Schmidt-Cassegrains
Field-Glass'.
She was on a mission of love- a love mission- a magical mission of romance
and warm embraces.
CHAPTER FOUR
============
"So have you decided who shall be blessed as your husband?" said Victor
the Virtuous.
"No, I have not decided, I am torn between you, Victor the Virtuous and
Terry the Tasteless." said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Well decide soon, or my virtue shall wane" said Victor the Virtuous
CHAPTER FIVE
============
"My dear Harlequin, who has I take as my husband?" said Catherine the
Vestal Princess
"Well my darling Catherine the Vestal Princess, whatever you decide will
be a story for to pass onto your grand-children, and their grand-children, and
the grand-children of those children and the children of the children of those
childs, which in turn, will be passed onto those grand-children." said
Harlequin the Wise Old Sage.
"I understand." said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"I knew you would my child." said Harlequin the Wise Old Sage.
"Oh Harlequin, I will always have faith in your wisdom." said Catherine
the Vestal Princess
"Oh Catherine, I will always have faith in your bosom." said Harlequin the
Wise Old Sage
"What? What do you mean?" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Err forget it" said Harlequin the Wise Old Sage
CHAPTER SIX
===========
"My dear Harlequin, who has I take as my husband?" said Helena the Chaste
Princess
"Well my darling said Helena the Chaste Princess, whatever you decide will
be a story for to pass onto your children, and their grand-children, and
the grand-children of those grand-children and the grand-children of the
children of those childs, which in turn, will be passed onto those
children." said Harlequin the Wise Old Sage.
"I understand." said Helena the Chaste Princess
"I knew you would my child." said Harlequin the Wise Old Sage.
"Oh Harlequin, I will always have faith in your wisdom." said said Helena
the Chaste Princess
"Oh Helena, I will always have faith in your bosom." said Harlequin the
Wise Old Sage
"What? What do you mean?" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Err forget it" said Harlequin the Wise Old Sage
CHAPTER SEVEN
=============
"You've been drinking to much!" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"I've yet to get a drink of mothers milk, lass" said Dirk the Dastardly
"What? What do you mean?" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Err forget it." said Dirk the Dastardly
"Is that Irish Whiskey on your breath Dirk?" said Catherine the Vestal
Princess
"From the Motherland Lass!" said Dirk the Dastardly
"Why is the bottle so plump and round?" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Why is your rump so plump and round, lass?" said Dirk the Dastardly
"What? What do you mean?" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Err forget it." said Dirk the Dastardly
"You drunken Irish bastard! Are you trying to steal my soon-to-be-wife?"
said Patrick the Pure
"Gee Patrick the Pure, your sabre is so thick, long and sturdy." said
Catherine the Vestal Princess
"That compares nothing to my Picty long sword!" said Dirk the Dastardly
"It's thin, but its the longest one i've seen! Oh who will win?" said
Catherine the Vestal Princess
"I will save you my dearest petunia!" said Patrick the Pure
"No I will, my filthy wroyal rench!" said Dirk the Dastardly
CHAPTER EIGHT
=============
"You've been drinking to much!" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"I've yet to get a drink of mothers milk, lass" said Terry the Tasteless
"What? What do you mean?" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Err forget it." said Terry the Tasteless
"Is that Irish Sod on your breath Terry?" said Helena the Chaste
Princess
"From the Motherland Lass!" said Terry the Tasteless
"Why is the bottle so plump and round?" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Why is your rump so plump and round, lass?" said Terry the Tasteless
"What? What do you mean?" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Err forget it." said Terry the Tasteless
"You drunken Irish bastard! Are you trying to steal my soon-to-be-wife?"
said Victor the Virtuous
"Gee Victor the Virtuous, your sabre is so thick, long and sturdy." said
Helena the Chaste Princess
"That compares nothing to my Celtic long sword!" said Terry the Tasteless
"It's thin, but its the longest one i've seen! Oh who will win?" said
Helena the Chaste Princess
"I will save you my dearest chrysanthemum!" said Victor the Virtuous
"No I will, my filthy wroyal rench!" said Terry the Tastless
CHAPTER NINE
============
"Oh my they both slew each other in the battle! My god what will I do now?
My life is over!" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Arr sweetie, me got sum bad news for ya, ya's got Typhoid." said the
Veteran Sea Captain.
"I do? Is that a bad thing?" said Catherine the Vestal Princess
"Looks like ya's gonna talk a walk of the ole plank to be shark bait, but
we's gonna send this horse overboard before the buzzards pick at it's hung
Typhoid-Ridden corpse. " said the Veteran Sea Captain.
"But im so young! It is the logical choice, farewell cruel world." said
Catherine the Vestal Princess
"A noble young woman, her suitors dead. She threw herself overboard to
save the crew from a vicious affliction of Typhoid." said Harlequin the Wise
Old Sage
CHAPTER TEN
===========
"Oh my they both slew each other in the battle! My god what will I do now?
My life is over!" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Arr sweetie, me got sum bad news for ya, ya's got Typhoid." said the
Veteran Sea Captain.
"I do? Is that a bad thing?" said Helena the Chaste Princess
"Looks like ya's gonna talk a walk of the ole plank to be shark bait, but
we's gonna send this horse overboard before the buzzards pick at it's hung
Typhoid-Ridden corpse. " said the Veteran Sea Captain.
"But im so young! It is the logical choice, farewell cruel world." said
Helena the Chaste Princess
"A noble young woman, her suitors dead. She threw herself overboard to
save the crew from a vicious affliction of Typhoid." said Harlequin the Wise
Old Sage
THE END
====+ +====
"A spaghetti western, Clint Eastwood wanted to make it into a movie, but he was
then offered the roll in Unforgiven, so it will be filmed on a later date. It
is rumoured that Sergio Leone will direct it." - Jack the Lad
====+ +====
SIX GUN JUSTICE AT CREMO VALLEY
PART IV
'JULIE'S CAR-PAYMENT'
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
[fifteen/ssu#0]
CHAPTER ONE
===========
He was riding in a dusty valley. The valley was dusty and his horse was
magical, his horse was spurting out the magical essence 'Gun-Powder'.
He'd been running for two long months- two long months he'd been running-
to escape the bounty, for murder.
CHAPTER TWO
===========
"Do you realize how long you've been running?" said the Sheriff
"Two months... two long months... too long." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"We can't put that horse in the stable." said the Sheriff
"Would you lay down your life with that statement?" said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"Wait a minute. The horse has Typhoid, we dont want the other horses
catching it." said the Sheriff
"Looks like we'll have to hang it." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock
Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
CHAPTER THREE
=============
He was riding in a dusty valley. The valley was dusty and his donkey was
magical, his donkey was spurting out the magical excrement 'Cowboy-Whiskey'.
He'd been running for two long days- two long days he'd been running- to
escape the bounty, for embezzlement.
CHAPTER FOUR
============
"Do you realize how long you've been running?" said the Sheriff
"Two days... two long days... too long." said the Man with the Dusty Boots
and the Smoking Gun.
"We can't put that donkey in the stable." said the Sheriff
"Would you lay down your life with that statement?" said the Man with the
Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
"Wait a minute. The horse has Typhoid, we dont want the other horses
catching it." said the Sheriff
"Looks like we'll have to hang it." said the Man with the Dusty Boots and
the Smoking Gun.
CHAPTER FIVE
============
"Better draw your rifle Sheriff." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock
Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"And your coming at me with that one shot Deringer?" said the Sheriff
"Well im glad he's dead. One less scum." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
CHAPTER SIX
===========
"Better draw your discontinued Colt Navy .36 Sheriff." said the Man with
the Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
"And your coming at me with that Double Barrel Scatter Gun?" said the
Sheriff
"Well im glad he's dead. One less scum." said the Man with the Dusty Boots
and the Smoking Gun.
CHAPTER SEVEN
=============
"You murdering thieving lying scum! You slaughtered my husband in cold
blood!" said the Bakers Wife.
"Thats one less scum, you wanna be next." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"Glad shes dead. Not worth the ammunition though." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
CHAPTER EIGHT
=============
"You murdering thieving lying scum! You slaughtered my husband in cold
blood" said the Dentists Wife.
"Thats one less scum, you wanna be next." said the Man with the Dusty
Boots and the Smoking Gun.
"Glad shes dead. Not worth the ammunition though." said the Man with the
Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
CHAPTER NINE
============
"Hey, we dont allow your kind in this bar." said the Hairy Bar Keep
"And I dont like your kind either." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock
Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"Im glad everyone's dead here. Much less scum to deal with and more
whiskey for me." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning
Cigar.
CHAPTER TEN
===========
"Hey, we dont allow your kind in this bar." said the Hairy Bar Keep
"And I dont like your kind either." said the Man with the Dusty Boots and
the Smoking Gun.
"Im glad everyone's dead here. Much less scum to deal with and more
whiskey for me." said the Man with the Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
==============
"My Lord! The Outlaws are riding into town!" said a Little Boy with a
Beard.
"That looks like Joey McCarthy and Roy Kohn!" said a Fat Man.
"We need a Sheriff to kill these vermin!" said a Drunkard.
"Didn't Roy Kohn brand that young deputy and beat him in the Town Square
and then whip him with a lasso about five years ago?" said a Fat Man.
"What an injustice. And the people sat by and watched. I heard about that
way down in Mexico." said the Drunkard.
CHAPTER TWELVE
==============
"My Lord! The Outlaws are riding into town!" said a Little Boy with a
Back Hair.
"That looks like Dick Nixon and Gary Allen!" said a Skinny Man.
"We need a Sheriff to kill these vermin!" said a Beerhound.
"Didn't Gary Allen brand that young deputy and beat him in the Town Square
and then whip him with a lasso about five years ago?" said a Skinny Man.
"What an injustice. And the people sat by and watched. I heard about that
way down in Mexico." said the Beerhound.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
================
"The Outlaws have taken over the local tavern!" said a Little Boy with a
Beard.
"That vacant Sheriff's position... I volunteer." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"Ive seen your pistol in action, the job's yours" said the Whiney Deputy
"What? What do you mean?" said the Man with the Five-O-Clock Shadow and
the Burning Cigar.
"Err forget it." said the Whiney Deputy
"Good thing the deputy's dead. His laws are to restrictive. But before I
storm the tavern, I'll need something to protect me from the Outlaws guns" said
the Man with the Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
================
"The Outlaws have taken over the local tavern!" said a Little Boy with
Back Hair.
"That vacant Sheriff's position... I volunteer." said the Man with the
Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
"Ive seen your pistol in action, the job's yours" said the Scrawny Deputy
"What? What do you mean?" said the Man with the Dusty Boots and the
Smoking Gun.
"Err forget it." said the Scrawny Deputy
"Good thing the deputy's dead. His laws are to restrictive. But before I
storm the tavern, I'll need something to protect me from the Outlaws guns" said
the Man with the Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
===============
"You think your mighty tough with that Gatling Cannon." said the Man with
the Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"You bet I do. You can't take me with that one-shot Deringer." said Joey
McCarthy the Guard for the Tavern.
"Im glad he's dead." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock Shadow and the
Burning Cigar.
"You shouldn't have stormed out that door, Roy." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
"Hey what are you doing?" said Roy Kohn
"Good thing I tripped you. Now I can brand you and whip you with a lasso
like you did to that poor boy some five years ago." said the Man with the
Five-O-Clock Shadow and the Burning Cigar.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
===============
"You think your mighty tough with that faulty Napoleonic Flintlock Rifle."
said the Man with the Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
"You bet I do. You can't take me with that Double Barrel Scatter Gun." said
Dick Nixon the Guard for the Tavern.
"Im glad he's dead." said the Man with the Dusty Boots and the Smoking
Gun.
"You shouldn't have stormed out that door, Gary." said the Man with the
Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
"Hey what are you doing?" said Gary Allen
"Good thing I tripped you. Now I can brand you and whip you with a lasso
like you did to that poor boy some five years ago." said the Man with the Dusty
Boots and the Smoking Gun.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
=================
"With the young deputy's death avenged, we can finally hold a funeral in
his name." said the Coffin Maker
"You never did find the body." said the Coffin Maker's Wife
"I never caught your name stranger." said the Coffin Maker
"You already know it." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock Shadow and the
Burning Cigar.
"Hahahahahahahaha." said the Coffin Maker
"Hahahahahahahaha." said the Coffin Maker's Wife
"Hahahahahahahaha." said the Man with the Five-O-Clock Shadow and the
Burning Cigar.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
=================
"With the young deputy's death avenged, we can finally hold a funeral in
his name." said the Minister
"You never did find the body" said the Minister's Wife
"I never caught your name stranger." said Minister
"You already know it." said the Man with the Dusty Boots and the Smoking
Gun.
"Hahahahahahahaha." said the Minister
"Hahahahahahahaha." said the Minister's Wife
"Hahahahahahahaha." said the Man with the Dusty Boots and the Smoking Gun.
THE END
====+ +====
"A horrifying epic set on a distant dark planet. Based on a Piers Anthony
novel." - fifteen
====+ +====
THE INTERGALATIC VOYAGES OF STARSHIP 'CREEMO'
PART IV
'CONNIE'S MORTGAGE'
[fifteen/ssu#0]
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5]
CHAPTER ONE
===========
Ricky Raygun and his companion Pooch a space-dog from the Alfa Sentaree
Sector; a pure-bred Basset Hound sat on the deck of 'Creemo'. 'Creemo' was
a magical spaceship that spurted that magical nectar of "Laser-Rifles". They
had just been commissioned to travel to the Moon to fight a terrible
Brontasaurus who is ravaging the Amazon tribes of Earth's Moon.
CHAPTER TWO
===========
"You are going to the moon." said the President
"Excellent." said Ricky Raygun
"Woof." said Pooch
"Are you sure your spaceship 'Creemo' can handle the trip?" said the
President
"Shes gone all the way to Mars Sir. Im sure she can handle it." said Ricky
Raygun
"Woof. Thats for sure." said Pooch
The verbal lashing was over- finally.
CHAPTER THREE
=============
Larry Lazer and his companion Rover a space dog from the Oryan Quadrant
Sector; a pure-bred Cocker-Spaniel sat on the deck of 'Creemo'. 'Creemo' was a
magical spaceship that spurted that magical nectar of "Laser-Rifles". They had
just been commissioned to travel to the Moon to fight a terrible Apatosaurus
who is ravaging the Amazon tribes of Earth's Moon.
CHAPTER FOUR
============
"You are going to the Moon." said the President
"Excellent." said Larry Lazer
"Woof." said Rover
"Are you sure your spaceship 'Creemo' can handle the trip? said the
President
"Shes gone all the way to Mercury Sir. Im sure she can handle it." said
Larry Lazer
"Woof. Thats for sure." said Rover
The verbal lashing was over- finally.
CHAPTER FIVE
============
"Are the engines ready Pooch?" said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. Yes." said Pooch
"Ok ignition." said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. Yes." said Pooch
"Look! The Brontosaurus is rushing us!" said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. Yes." said Pooch
"Wow he almost took your collar off Pooch." said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. Lucky it's got my name engraved on it." said Pooch
CHAPTER SIX
===========
"Are the engines ready Rover?" said Larry Lazer
"Woof. Yes." said Rover
"Ok ignition." said Larry Lazer
"Woof. Yes." said Rover
"Look! The Brontosaurus is rushing us!" said Larry Lazer
"Woof. Yes." said Rover
"Wow he almost took your collar off Rover." said Larry Lazer
"Woof. Lucky it's got my name engraved on it." said Rover
CHAPTER SEVEN
=============
"Whats that down his throat? It's a shiny thing" said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. I'd like to stick something down your throat." said Pooch
"What? What do you mean?" said Ricky Raygun
"Ruff forget it" said Pooch
"Its a space crystal!" said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. My paw is almost firmly attached to it." said Pooch
"Excellent." said Ricky Raygun
"My paw is firmly attached to it now." said Pooch
"The Moon is having an Earthquake lets blast off!" said Ricky Raygun
"Woof. Ok." said Pooch
CHAPTER EIGHT
=============
"Whats that down his throat? It's a shiny thing." said Larry Lazer
"Woof. I'd like to stick something down your throat." said Rover
"What? What do you mean?" said Larry Lazer
"Ruff forget it." said Rover
"Its a space crystal!" said Larry Lazer
"Woof. My paw is almost firmly attached to it." said Rover
"Excellent." said Larry Lazer
"My paw is firmly attached to it now." said Razor
"The Moon is having an Earthquake lets blast off!" said Larry Lazer
"Woof. Ok." said Razor
CHAPTER NINE
============
"Good job Ricky." said the President
"Yep and dont forget my pal Pooch" said Ricky Raygun
"How could I?" said the President
"Woooooooof!" said Pooch
"Hahahahahahaha." said the President
"Hahahahahahaha." said Ricky Raygun
"Hahahahahahaha." said Pooch
CHAPTER TEN
===========
"Good job Ricky." said the President
"Yep and dont forget my pal Rover." said Larry
"How could I?" said the President
"Woooooooof!" said Rover
"Hahahahahahaha." said the President
"Hahahahahahaha." said Larry Lazer
"Hahahahahahaha." said Rover
THE END
====+ +====
********************************** QUOTES ***********************************
The quotes that probably don't apply(but watch as we try):
[fifteen/ssu#0] :
"They thought that consummated love would quench desires,
and love from afar extinguished ecstasy. We tried both
cures, yet have not found health.
Perchance it is better that your home be close, not far!"
-Ancient Sufi Wisdom
"I don't wanna be a leader, I don't wanna be led. I just want to go to bed."
-Cringer, "Two Friends"
"Therefore, desiring to rule over the people,
One must in one's words humble oneself before them;
And desiring to lead the people,
One must in one's person, follow behind them."
-Lao Tzu, from the Tao Te Ching
"Think about it sometimes,
Do we need the media?
I don't need it anymore.
My body is so alive,
I can feel everything.
So I don't need anything else."
-Shonen Knife, "Watchin' Girl"
"Never let your heart open with the
spring flowers:
One inch of love is an inch of ashes."
-Li Shang-Yin, final verse of an untitled poem, ninth century.
****
[Jack the Lad/ssu#5] :
"Oi! Oi! Oi! Chosen few, this is what we think of you."
- The Business, "Suburban Rebels."
"On 07 July, 1947, a secret operation was begun to assure recovery of the
wreckage of this object for scientific study. During the course of this
operation, aeriel reconnaissance discovered that four small human-like beings
had apparently ejected from the craft at some point before it exploded..."
- The Majestic Twelve Documents
"But now I want to talk to you close up, and personal, about Diet Pepsi's
newest newest great message."
- Ray Charles
"They are truly adaptive these creatures and can evolve to torment even the most
cunning person."
- Jack the Lad
"Maybe I'm wrong, but there's something wrong with people who say they would pay
\20 or \30 to see The Sex Pistols reform and play. I wouldn't give ten pence to
the old bastards if they were busking outside my front door."
- Micky Fitz
"He who travels far will often see things
Far removed from what he believed was truth.
When he talks about it in the fields at home,
He is often accused of lying,
For the obdurate people will not believe,
What they do not see and distinctly feel.
Inexperience, I believe,
Will give little credence to my song."
- Hermann Hesse, "Journey to the East"
"He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the sun in lonely lands,
Ringed with the azure world, he stands.
The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt he falls"
- Lord Tennyson, "The Eagle"
"...and it is very difficult to conspire against one who has a great reputation
and he will not be easily attacked, so long it is known that he is capable and
reverenced by his subjects."
- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
====+ +====
********************************* THANKS LIST ********************************
Jack the Lad would like to thank:
- Ian Stuart for dying, mom and dad, George and the Skinhead Times editing
crew (you guys are great, keep up the good work.), The Calgary Crew, Psychostorm
on IRC for giving me ops on channel #warez, Billy Idol on IRC who spells
'tolerance' wrong (h/\ck the system Billy!), Bruce Sterling for lending me his
watch-phone, William Gibson for reviewing the Cyberspace story in this e-mag
(see ya soon bud!), Headflex for all the great times on channel #canada, Gary
Allen for being such a right-wing moralist, all the bbses who will ban this
magazine, the people who have already banned our info-files, the mysterious
person who kindly released the Majestic 12 documents, the old members of FoG who
still endure and finally, special thanks to my libido for never surrendering!!!
fifteen would like to multiply thank:
- The fine and just SysOps of fidonet for believing and standing up for
freedom(just kidding), Jason Marshall for calling my parents, My parents for
not taking him seriously, Constable Jack Busst for never "bussting" anybody,
BBSWATCH for their mistreatment of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms,
the local bbs skene because we love you and without you there would be no one
else to offend, the people who banned me from #hack and made fun of my name,
Vince who is going to distribute this classless piece of garbage like a good
boy and also for his UUCP mailbox, the SysOps who will keep this magazine in
their areas, every name we innocently dropped because they will be angry if
they ever see this, all the runk pock and hod koa bands in the world for
destroying my life up to this point, and Vince's secretary for putting out on
all those lonely nights!!!
Fuck you's go to:
fifteen and Jack the Lad, since it's probably what you'll want to say yourself.
===+ +====
You can get in touch with the fine miscreants who glued together this lousy
roll of toilet paper by a number of means:
UUCP Address: Akir@edu.debug.cuc.ca
Cardinal Sins BBS (403)283-5519
Is that only two? Oops.
@@@@ end --==
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