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red-017
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| Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : |
| RED-017.TXT aka |
| "The Really Elite Experiment" |
| By : Black Francis |
| "Better Living Through Stupidity." |
: :
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
You know, as if the computer world isn't becoming lame enough, we have
more assholes coast to coast starting e-mags. There must be at least 15,000
of them in the tri-state area alone. I'm got going to go into which ones are
lame and which ones aren't, because, frankly, that would be lame. Instead,
I'm going to try a little experiment. This experiment was done under close
supervision to make sure that I did not, in any way, shape, or form, 'fiddle'
with or alter the test results. I do not have a degree (hell, I didn't even
graduate yet), and I do not have official permission to perform this caliber
of experiment, but, I figured it was worth the risk. This topic is too
important to be thrown on the back burner while I wait for written consent to
perform this experiment. I figured this was the best way to figure out wether
or not anybody could start their own e-mag. I used monkeys. Five monkeys.
I rented the monkeys from the Philadelphia Zoo for a small price and
brought them to my home. Bongo, Koko, Wiener, Chumpie, and Stinky were at
first hesitant to go with me. Who could blame them? For all they knew, I
could be a monkeyphile. Once to my house, I showered the monkeys, and showed
them to the guest bedroom. Inside the bedroom was a bed and a computer. That
was all that they needed. My hypothesis was that given ten days, five monkeys
could start an e-mag and publish at least one issue. Here is the log as it
was scribbled into my notebook:
Day one - Spent most of the day helping the monkeys with DOS. Bongo
almost formatted the hard drive. What a lamer. Once I showed them the
basics, they had no problems and they were on their way. As a matter of fact,
Chumpie found out how to free more conventional memory for me. Wow.
Day two - The monkeys have decided upon a name for their e-mag. To
me, it seems as if they were going in the wrong direction, and taking up too
much time thinking of the name. These monkeys will >NEVER< finish this e-mag!
I guess not just anyone can write an e-mag.
Day three - The monkeys have made a really cool logo and a few nice
ansis for their mag, but have not yet began to write. Unbeknownst to me,
Koko is a member of ACiD.
Day four - The monkeys have began writing their e-mag. I asked for a
print-out of what they have so far, and this is what they gave to me:
pih3;p 23-913 3rs;lmo930 03197rlisdn.zx j;oJOSQjopsqJPIASjli
DEEW8023479502397509725111== R= QO-ASQJO 08038;ASFJLdfhf/ZXC/
It seems that the monkeys are just pounding on the keyboard. I told
them that maybe they should try to find a more definite direction with their
writing. The monkeys agreed with me and decided to start again from scratch.
Day five - Their time is half over and so far, they've only come up
with a logo and brainstormed a wee bit. I'm hoping that the monkeys can pull
it off so that my point is proven, but the monkeys may make me come off as a
blubbering idiot.
They spent most of their time today brainstorming more. Really
putting their noses to the grindstone and trying to come up with a solid idea
on what they could write about. Ideas were tossed around. Bongo wanted to
write on the mistreatment of animals in menial zoos, while Koko wanted to
write an article on lamers. Weiner wanted to write a file on how to make a
new and improved ansi bomb. Chumpie wanted to write a lyrical compilation.
Stinky pooped on the carpet.
Day six - The monkeys decided on an idea - but refused to tell me. I
can tell that they're starting to get serious. The monkeys really buckled
down and began to write instead of talking and eating bugs off of each others
backs. However, they soon ran into problems. As much as I wanted to, I could
not intervine. Bongo ate the mouse. They soon figured their way around it
and soon began to get back to work. The mouse-incident ate about a few hours
of their time, and the monkeys must now work harder than ever.
Day seven - Koko and Chumpie got into an arguement today over the
intellectual values of their e-mag. After a very heated debate, Chumpie
called Koko a lamer and Chumpie broke off from the rest of the group to start
his own e-mag.
Day eight - The monkeys slept and swang on my curtains all day.
Day nine - One day before the end of the experiment. Chumpie has
rejoined the group. As far as I could tell, given everything that has happend
so far, they had still made good progress. I'm very anxious to see the
results.
Day ten - The big day. The monkeys submitted their first issue of
PaL to me (Primatez Againzt Lamerz). I was impressed. They had each written
an article and released it in a magazine format. A group effort. Bongo had
written about "Backdoors in ViSioN-X", Koko had written about "Ways to Get
Free Stuff From Zookeepers, Wiener had written about "Fun on Tire Swings",
Chumpie had written about "H/P/A/V/C and Lamers", and Stinky had written about
"Interesting Things to do With Encrusted Fecal Matter." It was high-quailty
material. My experiment was a sucess. Indeed, >ANYONE< can start an e-mag.
The monkeys soon released their first issue all over. They now have
over 25 distro. sites in the east >ALONE<. The assigned a Whq position, and
hired a few couriers to take care of delivering the newest releases. Koko is
now serving time in a county jail for carding 100 pounds of bananas (oNLee a
LaMeR MoNKeY WouLD GeT CauGHT!).
Stinky now writes for ReD.
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
! Copyright (c) Black Francis and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
! All rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
