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red-012
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| ___________ __________ |
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| | . | | . | |
| | :_____| ____| | | |
| | | ___|_ : | |
| |_____| o |_o________/ o |
| |____________| |
| Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : |
| RED-012.TXT aka |
| "You're a Pathetic Loser" |
| By : Black Francis |
: "Better Living Through Stupitity" :
. .
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
Speaking of losers, here are some quotes from people who's loserific lives
*HAVEN'T* been changed by ReD!
"Black Francis is a lamer."
- Wicked Illusion
"Black Francis is Asshole of the Year! Blacklist this lamer!"
- A-ko
"I'd crash his board, but it's LD! He deserves it!"
- Agent Orange
"Jeremy, you forgot your GoBots lunchbox! Can't go to school without it!"
- Wicked Illusion's Mom
"Time for your spanking, Jeremy, you stupid little bastard!"
- Wicked Illusion's Dad
""
- Wicked Illusion's Girlfriend (Hands can't talk, stupid)
"I am a lamer."
- Black Francis
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
You're a pathetic loser and you know it. Admiting it is the first step on
the road to recovery, boy! This file is just *PROOF* that you're a loser!
Think about it, won't you? You spend your hours with your fat ass glued to
this seat, eyes focused in on the screen, and you're wittle itty-bitty
arthritis-waitin'-to-happen fingers tappin' away on your extended 101 key
IBM keyboard! Whee! If you weren't a loser, you'd be out right about now,
most likely getting plastered. You know. Shitfaced. But nooooo! Maybe
drinking isn't your style. Maybe you'd be the fearless leader of yet another
circle-jerk, instead focusing your beady little eyes on a seven year-old copy
of Hustler you found under your dad's bed. But that's ok. Different strokes
for different folks. Er, no pun intended. Really.
I know what you're mumbling. I've just insulted myself pretty bad, eh? I
must be King Loser if I make stupid text files. Well, ok, I'll admit. You're
half right. I'm one of those people with lots of friends, but no social life.
Then again, I feel that, if I'm going to go out and do stupid shit, I may as
well sit at home and make these stupid text files. I will go out twice or
three times a week for good measure, but I spend most of my hours in front of
the computer. Sometimes, when I *DO* go out, it's to visit other computer
geeks. As sad as it is, it's true. But they're nice people and I can relate
to them. So why not? Hell, I've screwed a few "modem-chicks". Eek. I wish
I hadn't said that. Anyway, to me, computers are a hidden pleasure almost.
None of my friends know about it. I try to hide it as much as I can. It's
very tempting, but when I hear someone shout out a question about computers, I
become edgey, and must refrain from answering. Enough about me, we're here
for you, dork.
I'm not going to sit here for the rest of this file and insult you. While
that would most likely be pretty funny, it would be too damn easy. Instead,
I'm going to be kind for once and attempt to help out a wee bit. I'm going to
give you some fairly simple suggestions on how to lively up your social life.
Most of these are tried, tested, and true methods. That's most, deary. So,
if one backfires, save your whining for someone who gives a shit.
1) Get a car. Get a car and soon enough you'll be the talk of the town!
You'll be taxing your loser friends all over the damned place! This is
*BOUND* to work, but, it'll cost you an arm and a leg. Are you *THAT*
desperate for friends? If so, this is your ticket to popularity right here.
It's a sure-fire way to get chicks, too. Just be careful, some cars can make
you even more of a loser. Cars to look out for: (a) Cars from countries that
don't even exist anymore. (b) Cars with less than four wheels. (c) Cars
endorsed by ex-porn stars. (d) Cars bought for less than $250. (e) Cars
bought solely on how much room they have in the backseat.
2) Get lots of tatoos. I have a few myself. Now, either everyone will
flock to you like you're the messiah and gawk at you in sheer amazement for
days upon end, or they'll be scared of you, which is also a good thing. Try
to steer away from the gaudy, or corny, tatoos. Stuff like a heart with "Mom"
written in it just doesn't cut it, man. I personally like tribal art, but, if
that just doesn't float your boat, try something like cartoon characters.
Another one to stay away from is anything naked. Naked women adorning your
chest may seem cool for a while, but when you're a loser, and not getting any
in the first place, why bother? It also looks real stupid when you get older.
Naked men aren't very good, either. If I even have to explain why, you should
just kill yourself now and get it over with. Stop breathing my valueable air
and get it over with, pink boy. And, hey, if the tatoos don't work, get a lot
more and join a freak show. Zany hi-jinx ensue!
3) Start a shitty t-file group! The chicks will be on you like white on
rice, baby!
4) Kill someone. Yeah, seems a little harsh, but, if all else fails you
have nothing to lose. You'll become a strange, mysterious, dark, scary wonder
and everyone will want to be your friend just so they know a rebel such as
yourself. Now, if you want to take it one step further, try mass murder!
Hell, even when you're in jail you'll be popular. Charlie Manson gets tons
of fan mail.
5) Kill yourself. Kurt Cobain is alive - he's a loser. Kurt Cobain is
dead - he sells millions of records. Nuff said.
6) Become "alternative". Buy a skateboard and carry it around with you at
school so that everyone knows just how damn alternative you are! Wear lots
of plaid flannel shirts, ripped jeans, and Nirvana t-shirts. Everyone will
want to be friends with the "alternative" guy! Listen to bands nobody has
ever heard before, even if you don't like them. Make up bands if you have to.
Example (1):
Someone else - "Who's your favorite band?"
You - "The Rotten Cabbage Farmers."
Someone else - "Wow! Can I be your friend?"
7) Be stupid. Some of you may already be two steps ahead of me here, so
just bear with me. Nobody likes smart people. Face it. With this one,
you'll have to be careful, though. If you act *TOO* stupid, they may put you
in special education, and we all know what happens to special ed. kids, right?
Yeah, they're the ones who get pantsed in gym. Just be moderately stupid.
Remember - Less is more.
8) Shop at the Gap. Clothes make the man, my friend. All the popular kids
shop there, so why shouldn't you? Dress as preppy as you possibly can. It's
sickening, but yet, it works.
9) Come to school naked. You'll be a trendsetter.
10) Hang out with ReD guys! Yowza! They're virtual chick-magnets, and if
you're seen with them, it can lead to nothing but good things! Even the
mention of ReD members make chicks wet between the legs!
Example (1):
Chick - "Hey, loser."
You - "Black Francis is my friend."
Chick - "Ooooo baby! I want you *NOW!*"
Well there you go. Ten suggestions to help you be the big popular fuck
you've always wanted to be. And remember, when you're in bed with the leader
of the cheerleading squad, you owe it all to me. Now, go hide the Hustler
back under your dads bed, get to the mall, and go hang out or something. This
has been a shareware text file, if you read it, send me lots of money.
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
! Copyright (c) Black Francis and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
! All Rights Reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
