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red-015
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| Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : |
| RED-015.TXT aka |
| "Frequently Asked Questions About ReD" |
| By : Black Francis |
: "Better Living Through Stupidity." :
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*** Interview with Black Francis - Conducted on 01/05/95 by Phil McKraken ***
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P: "Hello, Francis. Uhm. Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy
to see me?"
B: "Huh? Oh! That. That's a banana. I've been saving that since lunch.
Lemme get rid of that."
P: "Let me start by asking; why did you start yet another t-file group?"
B: "The idea came to me one night while on a wicked NyQuil high. Well, uhm,
that's all I remember. Next thing I know, blam, I'm supposed to be the
president of some stupid ass text-file group."
P: "How does ReD come up with all these ideas? They're great!"
B: "All lies in our weekly circle jerk brain-storming sessions. We got the
idea from a small local group called SoP. Except, they have them daily."
P: "Where do you find all of these writers?"
B: "Uh. I don't. I'm actually every single one of them. Don't tell anyone,
though."
P: "What's your favorite ReD file?"
B: "The unreleased one that's based entirely on my ass. It was never released
because it was just too big. A text file over two megs is just a real
bitch to upload everywhere."
P: "When did you start using computers?"
B: "Well, uhm.. I didn't really think you knew about that. I started with
toasters. I started by sticking my penis in one of the slots, and then
usually I'd switch it on to the pastry setting.. ooohhh, yes."
P: "No. I mean, when did you start using computers as-in when did you start
programming and writing with them and things like that."
B: "Oh! Oh boy. Damn, is my face red! Anyway, I think when I was around six
or something. I was the best damn logo programmer on the block."
P: "What were some of the other names that you considered while thinking of a
name for this new t-file group?"
B: "Well, I took a strong liking to 'The Hemmorhoidal Geese', but there was
a lot of confusion with The Humble Guys and my group. You know. So, then
I switched it to RiSC, standing for 'Really Idiotic Stupid Cunts', but,
you know, there was that immediate association with the courier group."
P: "What are your future plans with ReD?"
B: "I was thinking, maybe, once we get popular and wide-spread enough, we
could start small by killing off babies, and then move our way up to just
slaughtering everything in general. Eventually, I'm thinking something
along the lines of a total apocolypse. Or something like that."
P: "How can someone write for ReD?"
B: "Well, by forming words from a combination of letters, you can write
sentences. If you put enough sentences together, then it makes a
paragraph. A few paragraphs can make up a piece of fiction. Uhm, they're
basically my only requirements. We had a bunch of monkeys with type-
writers writing for us for a while, but they keep shitting on the carpet.
We're not very selective."
P: "How can someone run a ReD distribution position?"
B: "You have to be, like, rreeaallyy elite. You have to have -2 to -1 month
warez. At LEAST 15 gigs, and, thirteen nodes of 28.8 modems. Uhm. That's
about it."
P: "Where did you get the name for your BBS, Goat Blowers Anonymous?"
B: "Well, I believe that beastiality advocates need a place to hang out, too,
so, I decided that it was a step in the right direction. We've helped
many goat blowers get back on their feet."
P: "Would you like to touch my monkey?"
B: "Sure!"
P: "Why must you be like that? Why must you chase the cat?"
B: "Nuthin' but da dawg in me."
P: "If you had a hammer, when exactly would you hammer?"
B: "I'd hammer in the evening."
P: "If you were straned on a deserted island, would you choose asprin or
Tylenol Gelcaps(c)?"
B: "Nine out of ten doctors choose Tylenol Gelcaps(c)... but I don't give
a shit. Whatever will make me drowsy is cool."
P: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
B: "Well, see, that's a tough one. It really all depends on the woodchuck.
I've seen some woodchucks that could chuck all night, y'know?"
P: "What ever happened with those sodomy charges?"
B: "Hey, man! I told you not to bring them up! Ok, asshole?!"
P: "Sorry, I just thought since that's a frequently asked question.."
B: "Well who told you to think, asshole?! Just ask the questions!"
P: "Explain in five words or less why I should give you this cookie."
B: "Uhm, uh, because... Uhm, I really... uhm, uh... want the cookie."
P: "Sorry, too many words."
B: "Damnit!"
P: "Ok. I want to thank you for being patient and helping me through this
interview. It was actually my first pleasant interview to conduct."
B: "Oh. I guess I should put my pants back on then, right?"
P: "Yep."
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! Copyright (c) Black Francis and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
! All rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !
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