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"âî/´ îiçî />éé/>z" pâîzîïç:
RED-010.TXT aka
"Letters to the Editor"
by: Black Francis
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Ahh! We turn the big one-oh! Quite a milestone. Or maybe not. It's been
going fairly well for everyone here, especially me. But, being the president
of such an extremely ELiTE group such as ReD, and being the SysOp of the best
board in Pennsylvania (heh), I end up getting a whole lot of stupid mail.
I've been saving up most of this mail just so one day I could show my kids
what a geek I was. But, since the file's grown pretty large, I've decided
to release it as a ReD article. Notice -- if you believe any of this for
even a second, you're a freaking moron. Except for the letter from Jeremy
Kister, of course. That's completely real. Read on, Sparky...
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Black Francis:
WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP! HELP ME, I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! WAKE UP! You
awake? Haha, sorry, just kidding. It's nothing, really. No problem here.
A car alarm
Right outside your apartment
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Black Francis:
Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender brings it to him and
the guy drinks it. So the guy orders another, only this time it's a double.
Barkeeper pours it and the guy downs it. This goes on for a while. Finally,
the guy is so drunk he can barely stand. The bartender says, "Don't you
think you've had enough?" but the guy demands another drink. Finally, he
crawls out of the bar, gets in his car, and drives home, totally plastered
out of his mind. He stumbles into the house and his wife is packing two
suitcases. "Honey, are we going on a trip?" he slurs, and she says, "No. I'm
leaving you because of your terrible drinking problem!" Hey, thank you, thank
you. You're a great audience.
Phil Darzynkiewycz
Open-Mike Comedy Night at AA
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Black Francis:
We swam through all this shit and sucked all this blood. When do we become
butterfiles?
A Leech
The Swamp
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Black Francis:
I know you have a Volkswagen, and you know a fair amount about them, so I
have a question: I own an '84 Rabbit GTI. Recently I ejaculated on the
distributor advance. Can I expect a horsepower loss even though I advanced
the ignition to about six degrees and adjusted the timing accordingly? Also,
I'm thinking of pissing on my fuel injectors. Would you recommend this?
N.U.D.
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Black Francis:
Who said anything about venting? The vents are fine in here. In fact, we
just installed AC.
A Spleen
Cool and comfortable
behind the stomach
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Black Francis:
Last night on The Tonight Show, I heard Tony Danza mention that he would be
appearing in a program on something called "CBS". Is this the mysterious
"other network" I have heard reference to so many times? Where can I find it?
Is there a special hookup invloved?
Zeda Stengl
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Black Francis:
This is to inform you that, effective January 1, 1995, due to budget
cutbacks, and rising fuel costs, time will now take the bus when having fun.
Please plan accordingly.
Bureau of Weights and Measures
Washington, D.C.
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Black Francis:
The first blade may cut us! The second blade may cut us again before we
snap back! But nothing will ever crush our spirit!
Che Follicle
Trac II Resistance Movement
Faces everywhere
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Black Francis:
Man, do you think it's just coincidence that the NEA and the DEA sound so
much alike? No way. It's because they're both acronyms. Think about it.
Pretty scary, huh?
Frank E. Armstrong
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Black Francis:
Nice classroom, huh? Nice lounge, nice library. Notice anything missing?
That's right, shmuck. We're nowhere to be found! Fooled you again, didn't
we?
All Those Gorgeous Babes
In the university brochure
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Black Francis:
People say that rodeo clowning is one of the hardest jobs out there,
because rodeo clowns must not only entertain the crowds but must distract
enraged rodeo animals as well. In exchange, we are rewarded with awe and
respect. Okay, fair enough. But I'd like to point out that hanging off a
truck and picking up pieces of broken glass from the highway using nothing
but your butt cheeks isn't such a goddamn great job either, and all I get is
fifty cents over minumum wage. Put that in your go-figure file!
Rusty O'Meara
On break, I-95
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Black Francis:
Well, they promoted me to Angel right away, but then this dickbreath
Foreangel assigns me to be the spirit who wakes kids up right before they wet
the bed. So much for the rewards of leading a virtuous life!
Micheal Landon
The Bed-Wetting Fairy
Heaven
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Black Francis:
I was watching Mr. Ed today and I noticed that the words did not really
match up with his mouth when he was speaking. Was this because the show was
filmed in a foreign language?
Tom Parker
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Black Francis:
I know you are, but what is this?
Pee-Wee Herman
On the set of "Pup Tent Pee-Wee"
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Black Francis:
This letter is not meant to be funny. It is intended to be sandwiched
between two marginally funny letters, in order to make them seem funnier by
comparison. Thank you.
Randall & Meyers
Humor Consultant to T-files
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Black Francis:
Hey! Reporters! Over here! I was poisoned! Really!
William Henry Harrison
Graveyard of presidents
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Black Francis:
Yeah! Me too!
Franklin Pierce
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Black Francis:
Yeah! I was not only poisoned, I was shot, too! I didn't want to tell
anyone, but I can't lie around with this secret anymore.
Chester Alan Arthur
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Black Francis:
To better meet the needs of our students, our five-stage course on Dealing
With Premature Ejaculation has now been reduced to three.
The Learning Annex
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Black Francis:
Brain tumor? Who're they kidding? I was poisoned -- now get me out of
here.
Bert Convy
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Black Francis:
No.
The Answer
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Black Francis:
You write those ReD articles, right? Well, I am a lonely overweight
teenager who loves your articles. My only friends are the people I've met
in its contents -- the funny characters, the strange situations, the people
that you always talk about. Sure, I guess there's a lot in my lifestyle to
laugh at, and most other kids think I'm pretty strange. But that's all right,
because I've got my "friends" whom I meet and talk to over and over again.
I also beat off a lot.
Jeremy Kister
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Black Francis:
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
Summoned by the Discipline Board,
Hung himself with an extension cord.
Kerry Templeton
Discipline Board Secretary
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Black Francis:
Crash! Tick tick tick tick tick. Doo dee doo doo doo dee doo. Woof woof
woof woof woof woof! Biddlebiddlebiddleboodlezzzwhommm!
Incoming Aliens Who
Learned English by Beaming
in Letterman, 60 Minutes,
Jeopardy!, Arsenio,
and A Current Affair
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Black Francis:
It stands for "Randy."
Irving R. Levine
NBC News, Washington
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Black Francis:
If Sigourney Weaver is the thinking man's sex symbol, how come all I can
think about is Christina Applegate?
Harold Bloom
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Keep circulating the tapes.
