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red-018
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| Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : |
| RED-018.TXT aka |
| "pHuN aT tHe Z00!" |
| By : Stinky |
: "Better Living Through Stupidity." :
. .
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
Hello! Wow! I'm so excited! This is my first article that I've
written for ReD. I also write for an e-mag that I helped found, PaL (Primatez
Againzt Lamerz). You may have not heard of us yet, but you will soon! We
have the best damn ansi bombs around! Anyway, me writing for ReD is a
milestone for both I, and for ReD, since I am their first writer who is also
a monkey.
Anyway, I've decided in the fun spirit of other ReD articles, to go
for one of those "fun-at-soandso" articles that tell you fun ways to pass the
time while out on the town. This one, I don't think anyone has ever touched
before. How to have fun at the zoo. Being a monkey, I've spent a lot of time
at the zoo, and I know how boring it can be. Trust me! Here are some fun
ways, a k00l aNaRKuZT like you can pass the time.
Let's face it - the zoo can be a terribly boring place to be.
Especially when you're a monkey. Now, those damn polar bears, they get to
swim around and shit. What do we get? A fucking tire tied to the roof with
a cheap-ass rope and some hay. Then some fuck-head monkey takes the hay and
throws it at me. They know I'm allergic to it! >OR<, some asshole monkey
takes the straw, puts it in his mouth like he's a goddamned farmer, and all
the tourists all go, "Awwwwww!" at once. God, that's annoying. Then.. then
there's the pictures! What the fuck do you people have in those flashes?
FLOOD LIGHTS?! Assholes! Oh. I'm ranting. Sorry. It's just not that much
fun at the zoo, if you catch my drift.
Keep in mind I'm not responsible for the outcomes of the following
suggestions. If they go awry, it's all your fault!
Oh yeah. In case you didn't know, this is fun stuff to do while
you're in captivity at the zoo. Not just visiting. Sorry for the confusion!
( Side note : Red boxes do >NOT< work on the Zoo Key boxes! Repeat :
red boxes do >NOT< work on the Zoo Key boxes! )
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
[1] Gnaw away at the rope holding up the tire swing the the chimpazee
tire swing. Eventually, while one of those damn chimps are swingin' away on
the thing, it'll snap!
[2] While there's a particularly large group of people standing around
your cage watching you, stick your finger up your ass, pull it out, and eat
it! The more caked with your own shit it is - the better!
[3] Steal the zookeepers keys! This can be a whole lot of pHuN, so,
I've breaken it down into sub-ideas.
(a) When the zookeeper isn't looking, have all your friends run out of
the cage, then, lock him in!
(b) Hide them! Just the general look of confusion on their faces can
make you wet yourself. I've done it myself. Then again, I am a monkey.
(c) Let the bears and lions out to eat the visitors at the zoo!
(d) Let out all the snakes and have snake fights! Bet money!
(e) Steal a wombat and let it loose in the gift shop! Fun-eee!
(f) Go to where everyone's waiting in line to get on the trolley, hold
the key up into the air, jump up and down and scream,
"Hey! I'm a crazy monkey and I have a key! Look at me dance! Yeah!
I'm a crazy key-holdin' monkey who's dancing around like a crazy monkey! I'm
crazy, and I got a key! Look at me dance! cRa-Zeee!"
[4] Spot an unexpecting visitor (preferably someone who's old, stupid,
or just plain ol' out of it) and gouge them in the eye with the key! Tee hee!
[5] One word - Feces!
[6] Start an e-mag!
[7] Radomly punch visitors and blame it on the sloths in the next
cage. They'll believe you, too! Hey! Dumb fuck-head! Sloths are slow as
shit, they can't do it! You goddamned moron!
[8] HaCK iNTo THe SaLaD BaR aT THe FooD CouRT!
[9] Order a dozen pizzas to the laughing hyenas. They won't think
it's so fuckin' funny when they have to pay for 35 anchovy pizzas.
[10] Start humping the shit out of the other monkeys in the cage. Make
sure there are a lot of people watching, or it just isn't funny.
[11] Get out to the pay phones, call the operator, and start making
monkey noises. Then, when they say,
"Excuse me, Sir, are you a monkey?" sound offended and say,
"I am not a monkey!" and hang up. Ha ha! Fun-eee!
[12] Make Mentos commercials.
[13] Find out what's in Spam.
[14] Shave yourself completely bald and try to pass yourself off as a
human. When someone asks you if you're a monkey, throw some poop at them and
say, "Hey! Would a monkey throw his own fecal matter at you? Huh!?" and then
walk away. Of course they would, but they won't be able to do anything since
they'll have a shitload of monkey dung all over their face.
[15] Write for ReD.
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
Well, that's it for me! Hope you had fun and maybe got some good
ideas! Captivity can really get boring, and hopefully, I've given you enough
knowledge to occupy yourself. Just remember - this file was for informational
purposes >ONLY<! Don't really go flinging your own poo in someones face! It
makes you look bad. Later!
- Stinky
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
P.S. - Here's an article I wrote for PaL that they turned down. You
have to be able to speak Monkey to read it. It's on how to make an improved
red box!
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
Oo ooo o oooo o oooo ooo ooooooo oo o oooooo o oooo oo ooooo o!
Ooo oo ee ooo aaaa ooo eee o a eee a oo e a oooo o o e o!
O oo eeeee a ooooo aa eeee!
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
! Copyright (c) Stinky and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
! All rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !
WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
