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Random Access Humor Vol 0 Nr 08
R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!
Volume 0 Number 8 May 1993
A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.
Editor: Dave Bealer
Member of the Digital Publishing Association
Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Spring Break-Up........................................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
A Gooey Mess.......................................................03
A Year in the Life of a Programmer.................................05
Through the Wormhole...............................................07
The Twit Filter: Reputation Leeches................................08
DaffyNitions (D-G).................................................08
RAH Humor Review: The Usenet Oracle................................10
Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................14
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2
Random Access Humor Page 1 May 1993
About Vaporware Communications
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Spring Break-Up
by Dave Bealer
We're just one month into Spring, and things have been hectic here in
North America. Floods have replaced the droughts that plagued much
of the West Coast for the past few years. The leaders of the World's
two largest democracies met in Vancouver to discuss the fact that
both of their countries are broke.
In Los Angeles, military patrols were required to shore up the
people's faith in the criminal justice system, and to forcibly remove
certain winners from the podium at the Academy Awards when their
acceptance speeches exceeded the time limit. Meanwhile in Texas,
David Koresh gave new meaning to the phrase "Fire and Brimstone
Preacher."
Renown magician David Copperfield travelled to Washington to perform
his greatest illusion. He was asked to make the American public
believe that Clinton had really promised them a Middle Class Tax
Hike. On a related note, sore loser Ross Perot offered Penn and
Teller a million dollars to make the White House vanish permanently,
with Bill and Hillary inside.
During a routine physical examination, it was discovered that Vice
President Al Gore is a Dutch Elm Tree. This may explain both his
attitudes on forest conservation, and the Agriculture Department's
sudden research emphasis on a cure for Dutch Elm Disease. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound Byte:
Q: How do you train King Kong?
A: Hit him with a rolled up newspaper building.
Random Access Humor Page 2 May 1993
>>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<<
Dear Dave,
Just wanted to congratulate you on the success of Random Access
Humor. I'm glad to hear that it has become so popular. RAH has made
it's way to Europe! Excellent! I'm looking forward to seeing
articles from our neighbors across the pond. I would also like to
mention that the format of RAH really seems to be coming together
well, too. The profiles for RAH contributors and the deadlines for
each month are a nice touch. Keep up the great work!
Random Access Humor - it's electronic, it's humorous, it's
international, it's environmentally correct, it's excellent! Read
it!!
Sincerely,
Ray "Koz" Koziel
Chicago, IL. (1:115/542)
- - - - - -
Thanks for the encouragement, Ray. It's always nice to get an
impartial opinion. There has actually been no lack of letters as
implied last month. The problem is that all the millions of letters
received were so rabidly pro-RAH and pro-me, without any other
redeeming value, that it would be too embarrassing to publish any
of them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Editor,
I wish to state quite clearly, and for the record, that I think RAH
is a magazine worthy of note. Preferably an eviction note, but I
won't be picky.
I find that, as a good way to start the month, RAH is marginally
better than a poke in the eye with a sharpened stake. However, I
don't let my Dad read it, because he has a weak heart and an iron
lung. That's YOUR fault, you know! Your April issue was so good
that he laughed himself into a coma. He had almost laughed himself
to death, but fortunately the paramedics managed to save his heart,
one lung, and portions of the cheese danish he had eaten for
breakfast.
Please do us all a favor, and change RAH to a format that doesn't
leave the lives of its readers at risk. Something with a simpler,
more sedate sort of humor. You know, something like "The Economist"
or something.
Meanwhile, may your monitor explode and your disk drive swallow your
tie.
Sincerely,
Ima Goose
[AKA: Todd Jacobs <Todd.Jacobs@f182.n109.z1.fidonet.org>]
Random Access Humor Page 3 May 1993
Dear Ima,
Sorry to hear about your father. Maybe he should try reading the
FidoNet HUMOR echo for a while. The sheer depression will keep him
from laughing at all.
My ties remain in the closet except for weddings and funerals, so
they are in little danger from any disk drive. Your curse reminds me
of my favorite by Karnak the Magnificent: "May the waters of the
Marrakesh empty into your bean dip."
DB
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A Gooey Mess
by Dave Bealer
Viruses received a great deal of attention last March with the big
scare over the Michelangelo Virus. This year noone seemed to notice,
since the 1992 scare turned out to be a complete bust. We'll ignore
(for this issue, at least) the fact that the only people who seem to
benefit by the existence of computer viruses are the folks who write
the software to detect and remove them.
Although viruses are capable of bringing the most powerful computers
to their knees, viruses are not the only programs around capable of
accomplishing that feat. In the year since the great Michelangelo
disaster that never was, millions of PC users have willing placed
software on their systems which rivals the worst viruses for their
ability to turn the fastest 486 machine in the world into a crawling,
whimpering 286. That software is called a Graphical User Interface
(GUI).
Hardware vendors have been hurt by the constant drop in PC component
profits caused by price wars. GUIs are an insidious conspiracy by
hardware and software vendors to force users to obtain ever
increasing numbers of memory, disk drive and processor upgrades.
Many experts have been puzzled as to why this ploy seems to be
working. PC users aren't stupid. Well...at least a few of them
aren't.
Scientists at Industrial Smoke and Mirrors Laboratories recently
discovered the true reason for this incredibly useless and silly
behavior on the part of increasing numbers of PC users. It was
discovered that many of the newer "Multi-Sync" monitors have a
technology called "Hypno-Scan" built into them. These monitors
hypnotize many users into believing that the GUI is actually helping
them get their work done faster.
Extra strength Hypno-Scan is built into the monitors used in many PC
software retail stores. This increases the effect of the hypnosis
during the brief period the retail clerk has to convince the customer
to buy the GUI product.
Random Access Humor Page 4 May 1993
Don't rejoice too quickly. The fact that the cause of this disease
has been discovered does not diminish the fact that millions are
already afflicted. Many groups have sprung up to help these poor
unfortunates overcome their addiction to GUIs. A summary of these
organizations follows.
Gui Anonymous Group (GAG)
- A self-help group run by recovered GUI fanatics.
Harpies Against GUIs (HAG)
- Founded by a group of retired secretaries, this group believes that
pull-down menus are the work of Satan.
Sane Nerds Against GUIs (SNAG)
- These people were never really susceptible to the GUI menace. If
doesn't have a command line with hundreds of parameters to type in
manually, they aren't interested.
Nitwits Against GUIs (NAG)
- A radical splinter group of SNAG, NAG members believe that EDLIN is
the sublime apex of PC editing technology.
Twits Against GUIs (TAG)
- since these bozos can't even figure out how to use a mouse, they
are fundamentally against GUIs. In fact, they are fundamentally
against any technology more advanced than chewing gum (which they
can't use while they're walking).
Women Against GUIs (WAG)
- Since GUIs were invented by men, they must be evil.
Once these groups have had a few years to deprogram the members of
the GUI cult, things should gradually return to high speed, DOS
command line normality. {RAH}
=================
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guess the identity of this famous cartoon family and win a motorized
yak. (####)
(#######)
(########)
_____ (#########)>
/ \ (#########) |\/\/\/|
\/\/ | (#########) | |
| (o)(o) (o)(o)(##) | |
C .---_) ,_C (##) | (o)(o)
| |.___| /____, (##) C _)
| \__/ \ (#) | ,___|
/_____\ | | | /
/_____/ \ OOOOOO /____\
Random Access Humor Page 5 May 1993
A Year in the Life of a Programmer
by Greg Borek
The following are the journal entries made by a programmer over the
course of a year. The entries for the first of each month are
sufficient to accurately describe the programmer's mental state:
Jan 1: Met with Johnson, Wibble, Burner, and team leader Edsal today
about the new program we are supposed to start. It seems, well,
really neat. Johnson and Wibble are going to work on the user
interface, I get the low level routines, and Burner will do the
sorting part. We have all kinds of time to finish this so there
won't be as much pressure this time (which raises the question of why
we had to have this planning meeting on New Year's Day). I am really
looking forward to this.
Feb 1: I had no idea that Johnson and Wibble did not like each other
that much. Imagine Johnson dumping a can of anti-freeze (actually
caffeine free diet cherry Coke) all over Wibble's head at lunch.
Wow. Just because Johnson found a bug in Wibble's code that Wibble
was blaming Johnson for. I guess Wibble could have been a little
more mature than to send broadcast messages to everyone and post a
note on the company bulletin board when he found the bug and blamed
Johnson. Anyway, I got my routines pretty much down pat; one or two
little tiny nagging bugs, but almost there. And so early! Burner
seems to be a little lost. I can't imagine why he looks so perplexed
all the time.
March 1: The Johnson-Wibble feud has gotten worse. Edsal has
prudently decided they should work on different pieces. Since
Johnson wrote most of the user interface routines anyway, he will now
work with Burner to complete them. Wibble started on the sorting
part, using Burner's work as a foundation. I fixed one of those
nasty bugs in my module, but now something else is on the fritz.
Still, I'm almost done with plenty of time left.
April 1: Burner is really floundering on those user interface
routines, especially since Johnson left. I wonder how long Johnson
will be stuck on the emergency project he got called away on. Wibble
has once again demonstrated a bewildering lack of tact and
sensitivity by exposing the bugs in Burner's sorting code. I mean,
Burner is nervous enough already; that can't do anyone any good. I
have decided to rewrite one of the more basic routines I wrote now
that I have a clearer understanding of the problem. This
simplification should fix one of those nagging bugs and improve the
performance.
May 1: You know, Edsal could be a little more understanding;
programming is a craft and should not be rushed. I wonder just how
much programming experience he actually has. And who cares about
intermediate goals anyway? We have plenty of time to finish this.
Wibble is starting to get on my nerves the way he belittles everyone
else's code. He's no genius. It's getting so I don't want to
discuss anything with him. Those changes I made to improve the
Random Access Humor Page 6 May 1993
performance didn't help very much. I wonder if I should put it back
the way it was.
June 1: In a way I am happy for Johnson getting a promotion and a
transfer like that. I only wish he would be here to help finish this
project first; him I could work with. Wibble is such a nitwit. He
claims to have all of these abilities and experience, but the code he
puts out is disorganized and simply bad. He claims the sorting
module is done and is now going to help Burner because work on the
user interface has stalled. I am going to leave the low level stuff
for now and work on the sorting part. That should only take a month
but at least that part will be done.
July 1: We first found out about Burner in the newspaper. The police
found him walking naked along Main Street singing an obscure song
about a pig. I only wonder where he found the 55 gallons of Cool
Whip to smear all over himself. I could have told you it was going
to happen. Oh, well, he's gone for at least a 6 month vacation at
the funny farm. As expected, Wibble's sorting module is a complete
disaster. It honestly looks like it was written by a first year
student. As soon as I finish the mopping up I will start on the user
interface bit, which seems to be going nowhere.
August 1: Met with Wibble today. As usual, nothing he claims to have
finished actually is. None of the interfaces with the other modules
are the way they are supposed to be: he claims he came up with a
better idea and changed them. It's going to take me at least a month
to change the other modules to either reflect what he did or put the
user interface back the way it's supposed to be. I am a little
concerned that the project might take longer than I anticipated;
however, we still might be able to make the deadline if I kill Wibble
first.
September 1: Found out this week that the target hardware platform
has changed. This should not effect the low level routines too much,
as I tried to make them as portable as possible. At least I
finished the sorting part, and I am thoroughly satisfied that is
has been completely tested. If Wibble so much as looks at any of
that code I will fall on him from a great height. I think Management
has finally found out about what a complete idiot Wibble is. They
have had speaks with him several times now and hopefully he will get
canned before he does any more damage.
October 1: I approached Edsal about hiring me some help now that
Wibble got promoted into management. I got a bewildering answer
about the "fiscal cash flow situation as regards to the current
monetary performance standard," which I accurately took to mean 'no'.
That's OK, everything is almost under control. The low level
routines weren't as portable as I thought but not to worry; I know
what to do to fix them.
Random Access Humor Page 7 May 1993
November 1: The only question I have is, "What exactly were they
doing when they claimed to be working on the user interface?" The
outline Johnson wrote is sound but all of the other work since then
has so convoluted the code to make it unusable. The best course of
action would be to chuck the thing in the trash and start over, but
Edsal won't hear of it. "We're too close to the deadline; just fix
it," he whines. I am now convinced of two things: 1) it will take
longer to debug this monster that to start over and, 2) somewhere in
the Edsal family tree there is a Wibble.
December 1: The clients took delivery of the system today. They seem
quite pleased with the way it turned out. It was a tough final month
with many long nights and lots of pots of nasty coffee, but I got it
done. Edsal got an award for correctly estimating the amount of time
the project would require and another one for not going over budget,
despite some whiny programmer on his team who kept asking for help.
Wibble got an award for his vision and expertise in this successful
programming effort, and is rumored to be in line for a vice-president
position. I wonder if Burner has space for me in his room? {RAH}
=================
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Through the Wormhole
by Ray Koziel
By a strange twist of fate, it appears that my desk at work sits over
a wormhole in the space-time continuum. This is the only explanation
I can give to the countless number of papers disappearing from my
desk. "But that's not odd," you say. "Things disappear from my desk
often." This may be true, but there's one exception here...not only
are documents disappearing from my desk, but other ones are appearing
out of nowhere! Strange looking articles, letters, and documents
perhaps drawn from other dimensions as if my desk was an interdimen-
sional inbox! Here's an article I recently found while looking for
the source code of a program. Remember, I do not know where or when
this originated...it could reflect what might have been or might yet
be:
MICROSOFT CHAIRMAN BREAKS DOWN, PROCLAIMS HIMSELF "GEEK"
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, developer of the DOS operating
system and Windows as well as many other applications and systems,
broke down in the middle of press conference yesterday. Usually
known to be tough and a strong leader, Gates suddenly started
mumbling under his breath what sounded like he could not hide it
any longer and that the truth must be known. He then started
shouting "I'm a geek!! Look at me! I'm just a nerd!!" Gates was
quickly removed from the conference area and taken for psychiatric
analysis. It is suggested that the pressures of the government
trying to break up Microsoft's monopoly and the suit over the DOS
Random Access Humor Page 8 May 1993
file compression features were too much to handle. According to
the latest medical reports, Gates' condition stabilized, once given
some pocket protectors and a slide rule. {RAH}
=================
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer (C++ and Pascal) for Blue Cross
Blue Shield of IL's EMC-Net, a private bulletin board used for
electronic submission of insurance claims. Living in Chicago with a
wife, a new baby boy and two dogs, Ray has found RAH helpful in
keeping his insanity. FidoNet: 1:115/542 (The Loonatic Fringe BBS)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Twit Filter: Reputation Leeches
by Dave Bealer
The purpose of public online communications is, well, communication.
There are those few who will forever lurk, who will never post a
message. Most users eventually get around to posting messages, for
better or worse. Messages in conferences range from the useful or
sublime to the inane or ridiculous. Among the most profane and
insidious of all online denizens is the reputation leech.
Reputation Leeches have no original ideas of their own. At least no
ideas that intelligent people would be interested in, or believe. To
gain attention for their sorry notions, reputation leeches claim
their ideas are really those of their friend and mentor. Said mentor
is always a person of some standing in the field being discussed.
Dead mentors make the best fodder for reputation leeches, since the
alleged mentor is no longer able to confirm or deny the "relation-
ship" with the leech. Fortunately, most reputation leeches are
easily exposed through normal technical discussion. They are
invariably incompetent in the field in question, hence their need to
leech off a competent person's reputation. When confronted with
their obvious lack of knowledge in the field, reputation leeches
scream about the questioner's lack of respect for God, mother,
country, and most of all their mentor and the art/science/profession
practiced by said mentor.
When detected, the best way of dealing with reputation leeches is to
place them in your twit filter. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
DaffyNition TagLines (D-G)
compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL)
D&C: Where Washington is...
Dancing: A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire...
Decalfinated: Cow who just had an abortion...
Delicate: A dainty kitten who likes kosher...
Denial: A river in Egypt...
Dilate: To live long...
Random Access Humor Page 9 May 1993
Diplomacy: Saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock...
Door: Something a cat wants to be on the other side of...
Egghead: What Mrs... Dumpty gave Mr... Humpty...
Egotist: Someone who is always me-deep in conversation...
Election campaigning: Foreplay before you get screwed...
Enema: Not a friend...
Essoasso: Guy who cuts through gas station to avoid the red light...
EtherNet: A devithe for catching the Ether Bunny...
External Storage: A wastebasket...
Fashion: Something that goes in one year and out the other...
Felicity: A town inhabited by happy cats...
Feline: Opposite of "he" lion...
Fester: Quicker...
Fester: Actor in Gunsmoke...
Fibula: Small lie...
Fish and Ships: What sea monsters eat...
Fishing: A man's way of hiding a drinking problem...
G_C_U Trek: The Text Generation...
Genital: Non-Jewish...
Gigolo: A fee male...
GI Series: Baseball series for soldiers...
Golf: The game where ya gotta get it up to get it in...
Golf: You gotta have balls to play...
Grand Slam Event: A honeymoon...
Grippe: Suit case...
Grits: Cream of Wheat with an attitude...
Guilt trips: The nuclear weapon of relationships...
Random Access Humor Page 10 May 1993
RAH Humor Review: The Usenet Oracle
Since earliest times man has consulted various oracles for answers to
critical problems and impenetrable mysteries. As science began to
answer more of these questions, people relied less and less on the
ancient sources of wisdom. But even today, technology cannot provide
all the answers. Enter the Usenet Oracle.
The Usenet Oracle, an exercise in cooperative humor creation, was
started by Steve Kinsler, a grad student and systems administrator at
Indiana University (kinzler@cs.indiana.edu). Anyone with e-mail
access to the Internet may ask a question of the Usenet Oracle. Send
your question to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu, with the words "tell me" or
"tellme" in the subject. The body of the message should contain only
your question. You should receive a reply within a few days. People
who ask questions of the Oracle are referred to as "supplicants" and
are expected to grovel before asking their question. Supplicants who
fail to show the proper respect may be <ZOT>'ed by the Oracle.
Your question will be answered by someone who previously asked a
question of the Oracle. Anonymity is guaranteed for all parties.
The Oracle mail server strips out the supplicant's name and address
info before sending the question off to the respondent. The same
thing happens when the answer is processed. The supplicant has no
way of knowing who actually answered the question. Somehow the all-
knowing Oracle server sends the reply to the correct address anyway.
It must be nice to be omniscient.
The best questions and answers are chosen by Steve and a select group
of "priests" for posting to: rec.humor.oracle, a moderated Usenet
newsgroup. These postings are gated to the FidoNet FUNNY echo by
Rupa Schomaker of 1:106/1024.
Try to ask a creative question. The purpose of the Usenet Oracle is
to generate humorous and creative questions and answers. A couple of
examples follow:
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 93 16:39:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #553-01
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose knowledge is unsurpassed, whose
> wisdom is boundless, and whose patience is inexhaustable,
> Are computers a fad, or are they going to catch on? I'd hate to
> buy one just to have it end up next to my 8-track player and quad
> decoder.
Random Access Humor Page 11 May 1993
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You may not know it, but that 8-track and quad decoder are *not*
} obsolete! They are actually part of a brilliantly masterminded plot
} by a group of marketing people who are trying to increase their
} profitability.
}
} You see, back in 1953 a brilliant scientist named Erno Wisenthorp
} developed a machine that would convince people to buy lots of stuff
} they didn't need. Unfortunately, the "Erno-trope" was complex,
} expensive, and had to be used in close proximity to the victim.
}
} The guys from marketing saw the profit potential, but realized they
} would never get people to buy the machine. So they developed a
} cunning scheme, whereby they broke the Erno-trope down into
} several 'harmless' parts that the consumer would buy. They then
} sold these, and almost immediately introduced another product that
} would make the original one obsolete. They knew that the
} consumers would never throw away an useless, yet expensive piece
} of electronics, but would instead keep it around. When all of the
} pieces were brought together, the victim would have happily
} purchased a fully functional Erno-trope.
}
} Over the years they sold several pieces to the Erno-trope in the
} form of the 8-track tape, the betavision, the linear tracking
} turntable, and the 2400 baud modem. Each piece was purchased with
} pride by the consumer, then put on the shelf to collect dust. The
} most recent of these has been the personal computer.
}
} They only have two more pieces of the original Erno-trope left to
} distribute, and then it's show time!
}
} So go ahead, buy that computer. Then you won't ever have to worry
} about 'fads' and instant obsolescence ever again.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Partridge Family 8-track tape and an 8088
} motherboard.
Area: Funny
Msg: #119
Date: 04-14-93 06:29 (Public)
From: Rupa Schomaker
To: All
Subject: rec.humor.oracle 1/10
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is a feasibility-study?
> What do you know about ISAC (Information Systems, Analysis and
> Changes)?
Random Access Humor Page 12 May 1993
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Personal Log, Stardate 2213.4. The Enterprise, commanded by
} myself, James T. Kirk, has been dispatched to the neutral zone to
} intercept an upgraded Klingon warbird, the Hutzpah. The captain of
} the warbird saw fit to test the strength of his ship against mine
} and now we are locked in a battle which I fear I cannot win.
}
} [The Enterprise shudders from another blow. Smoke pours from
} Spock's pocket calculator. Previously unseen redshirts fling
} themselves across the room and die violently. Lights flicker
} ominously.]
}
} Kirk: More power, Scotty, I need more power!
} Scotty: The ship's had it, Captain! She's given us alla she's
} got! The backup systems are failin'!
} Kirk: Sulu, fall back out of range of their weapons. Scotty, what
} have we got left?
} Scotty: Captain, we've got one good warp engine, but we canna go
} anywhere without both. Phasers are out, torpedoes are
} expended. The only thing workin' in this ship is minimal
} life support, gravity control, the one warp engine, the
} intercom, and the Commodore-64 in the ship's museum.
} Spock: Captain, given those items, I believe I can create a
} computer program which can use the ship's gravity control as
} a weapon against the Klingons.
} Kirk rubs his chin: How are the Klingons doing?
} Spock: They are as badly damaged as we. The only items working on
} their ship are their maneuvering thrusters, their warp field
} generator, their toilets, and the Klingon version of a
} Gameboy.
} Kirk: Very well, Mr. Spock. You, Scotty, and Bones meet me in the
} briefing room, and we will begin the project life cycle,
} starting with a formal definition of the problem and a
} feasibility study.
} Uhura: Captain, the Klingons are hailing us.
} The screen comes on, revealing the Klingon captain, who is
} snarling: I demand a temporary cease-fire while we put
} together a tiger team and conduct a brainstorming session.
} Kirk: I'll have you know that we are conducting a feasibility
} study of our own, Klingon!
} The Klingon cringes in fear: Do your worst! I am prepared to die!
} Hutzpah out!
}
} [In the briefing room, one month later]
}
} Spock: Captain, I have completed the feasibility study.
} Theoretically, we should be able to use the C-64 to alter the
} gravity controls through the warp engine and set the gravity
} constant on the Klingon ship at precisely one hundred
} forty-six times normal.
} Bones: Why, that's crazy, you green-blooded machine!
} Scotty: You canna change the laws of physics!
Random Access Humor Page 13 May 1993
} Kirk: Gentlemen, please! If Spock says it can be done, I believe
} him.
} Scotty: Well, can I at least take some of my men off of makin'
} alla those charts and reports for Mr. Spock and get them
} started repairin' the ship?
} Kirk: No! More Gantt charts, Scotty, I need more Gantt charts!
} Let's begin with user requirements, using the ISAC method.
} It has to have a nice interface when I use it, Spock, really
} user-friendly, because frankly, I have no idea how to work
} any of these computers.
} Spock: Understood, Captain.
} Kirk: It has to be X-windows based. No, make that NeXTSTEP. No,
} make it OS/2. No, X-Windows. Did I say that already? I
} don't know, it has to be compatible with all those, at least.
} Just make it compatible with everything, okay? Lessee, I
} want a user's guide, all code fully documented, online help,
} full configuration control...
}
} [Many years later, the two ships are still locked in battle, their
} software life cycles still in progress after countless deadlines
} missed and revisions]
}
} Kirk: Yes, Spock, I know the gravity weapon part is ready to test,
} but those fonts are all wrong and you don't have the e-mail
} interface working. You know I think no software is worth a
} hill of beans unless it can do e-mail. No testing until you
} meet my specs!
} Scotty: Captain, I have ta take the printers off-line. They're
} overheatin' and gonna go supercritical any minute!
} Kirk: More documentation, Scotty, I need more documentation!
}
} A Borg ship passes through and absorbs the two battling ships. A
} century later, the Borg race suddenly and mysteriously dies out.
}
} So there you have it. I didn't exactly tell you how ISAC works,
} but after seeing how any software life cycle method works, are you
} sure you want to know?
--- FreeMail/OracleSplit 1.0
* Origin: Fahrenheit 454 -- Usenet <--> Fidonet Gateway
(1:106/1024.0)
For a copy of the complete Usenet Oracle info file, send mail to the
Oracle at: oracle@cs.indiana.edu with "help" in the subject. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanted:
Non-commercial Internet site to offer Random Access Humor for
anonymous FTP. Ability to provide download count reports on a
monthly or quarterly basis preferred. For more information contact
the publisher, Dave Bealer, at: dbealer@access.digex.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Deadline for June - The deadline for articles, letters and other
silliness intended for the June issue of RAH is 5/24/93.
Random Access Humor Page 14 May 1993
--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets
I want to be a veterinarian because I love children.
Personally, I don't believe in atheists.
Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
I can't use windows. Mt cat ate my mouse.
Bushydo: the way of the shrub.
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
Oh, hell! My mood ring just exploded!
Windows - how to turn a 486 into an Etch-A-Sketch!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Four out five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Gather 'round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
...speak very slowly, I'm a natural blonde.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
We got rid of our kids. The cats are allergic!
Trespassers will be experimented on!
Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
I came real close to seeing Elvis, then my shovel broke.
KENNEDY COMPOUND - KEEP OUT - TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED
Blood is thicker than water. Tastier and more nutritious too.
Random Access Humor Page 15 May 1993
A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
Censor - a man who knows more than he thinks you should.
Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute.
I'm trying to find myself. Has anyone seen me lately?
Is there a lawyer is the house? -=}BLAM{=- Any more?
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
We are NOT surrounded. We are in a target-rich environment.
I never buy books on impulse. Only on warp.
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
Why is everyone complaining about "youth in Asia?"
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Men invented computers to drive women crazier!
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
The official Canadian DOS prompt..........EH:\>
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Your ex just called. She's with the IRS now.
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
If it's tourist season, where do I get a license?
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
I passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If the shoe fits, buy it. - Imelda Marcos
Time for culture, gone Chopin, Bach in a minuet.
Pun: the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.
Random Access Humor Page 16 May 1993
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
Precinct toilet stolen - police have nothing to go on.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
Monkey in blender = Rhesus Pieces
Don't take life too seriously. It's only temporarily.
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Bacteria, n.: the only culture some people have.
I was on a roll, 'till I slipped on the butter.
I tried to play my shoehorn, but all I got were footnotes.
Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.
Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?
Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.
Money talks - mine says goodbye!
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Repartee: an insult with a suit and tie on.
Army food: the spoils of war.
Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
Random Access Humor Page A-1 May 1993
Random Access Humor Masthead:
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
Contributing Editor: Greg Borek
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net
greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
are not necessarily those of the publisher.
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette,
CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written
permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the
publisher.
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
Internet to: dbealer@access.digex.net
Random Access Humor Page A-2 May 1993
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
to any submissions or correspondence received.
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.
RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 <contrib>
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
Random Access Humor Page A-3 May 1993
RAH Gateway Systems:
Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1
<contrib>
007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1
The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith
FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32)
SogNet> 91:7/4279
H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib>
The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS)
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib>
Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102
Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
Supernova BBS Scotstown, Quebec Sysop: Ian Hall-Beyer
FidoNet> 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 16800 (HST/Dual)
GlobalNet> 51:210/0 FrancoMedia> 101:164/103
Parity BBS Ocean Isle, NC. Sysop: Pat Finnerty
FidoNet> 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 14400 (HST/Dual)
EchoNet> 50:5018/107 RANet> 72:919/20
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Night Watch Birmingham 1:3602/26 (205) 841-2790 HST/Dual
Random Access Humor Page A-4 May 1993
California
Dragon's Cave Berkeley 1:161/412 (510) 549-0311 V.32bis
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
Florida
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis
Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.32bis
Michigan
The Edge of Sanity Dearborn 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 V.32
CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis
Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
Missouri
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
Netherlands
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST
New York
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
Maj. Woody's Retreat New York 1:278/719 (212) 486-6281 V.32bis
North Carolina
Parity BBS Ocean Isle 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 HST/Dual
Random Access Humor Page A-5 May 1993
Ohio
Storyboard Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis
Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
Ontario, Canada
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
Pennsylvania
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
Quebec, Canada
Supernova BBS Scotstown 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 HST/Dual
Texas
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 V.32bis
Utah
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
Virginia
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/239 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
Washington
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis
