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Proudly Presents:
RED-001.TXT aka
"The Plot to Kill Good Music"
Written by Black Francis
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-[WARNING! DO NOT PROCEED WITHOUT READING!]-
The following editoral is true, and if you don't agree with me, you're a
fucking asshole. Thank you.
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Don't get me wrong. There is good music out there, but it's in serious
need of some help. Someone out there is trying to put a stop to good music
and, damnit, whether I find out who it is or not, I'm dragging you along for
the ride.
As I sit in front of the keyboard, fingers covered with that strange
powdery substance on Doritos, and blasting The Pixies, I can only thank the
big man above for letting some decent groups slip through undetected. But,
unfortunately, that is not the majority. One by one, decent groups are
falling victim to this most odd fate. I didn't really bug me until one day I
was sitting in math, doodling on my notebook, when I hear the chicky behind me
whistling a strangely familiar tune. I have heard the song before, but for
some reason, I couldn't put my finger on it. Ok. That was it. I had to know
what she was whistling, so I turned around and politely asked her, "What are
you singing?"
"Green Day." she said in her bimbo-ish tone of voice.
"Oh. Ok. Uhm.. what song?" I asked again.
"Uh.. Green Day." She replied. It looked to me like her head was about to
explode from thinking too hard.
"I know that. But what song? They have a lot of them, you know." I was
just pushing it now. I could tell she was really thinking about it. I was
afraid the sprinkler system was going to go off if she though about it any
harder.
"You know. Green Day.. by that group, Basket Case." she said. She looked
extremely frustrated, so instead of torturing her for her stupidity, I simply
chuckled and continued doodling.
I guess it really hit me later while I was sitting at home feasting on a
Snickers bar and watching Taz-Mania (So I watch cartoons.. got a problem with
that, Sparky?) when my slightly younger (four year difference) sister comes
skipping on through the front door singing Basket Case. I guess it only
really bothered me because I had caught her the day before singing "This DJ"
by Warren Dogg or whatever. Now, this doesn't seem right to me. I guess I
should let her listen to whatever she wants and go on with my life but, for
some reason, I can't. I tossed around the idea of pulling her aside and
bombarding her with Green Day trivia, but the nice guy in me took over. I
silently went into my room and began to brainstorm.
WHO'S BEHIND THIS?! I sat back and thought about how many people I had heard over the week
discussing the upcoming Nine Inch Nails concert and how good their seats were.
Now wait... hold on a second. I can remember the days when the only people
who listened to Nine Inch Nails were "headbangers!" What happened? Now John
and Jane Gap have pit tickets to the NIN concert?! This must stop!
Now I was beginning to get pissed off. In hopes of calming myself, I
flicked on the tube. While channel surfing, it hit me. MTV. MTV!! That's
it! It's all THEIR fault! They're the reason my little sister bought the new
Soundgarden album! Damn them! After further research, it made perfectly good
sense to me. I watched ol' MTV for a while (something I don't do often) and
discovered their secret weapon for the death of good music! Buzz clips! Buzz
clips and their little minions: Alternative Nation and 120 Minutes! See, Buzz
clips are so evil because they take good music, put them at times when little
kiddies and your average shmoe are watching, and play the hell out of them!
A world where "Nirvana" is a household name is a world I'd rather not live in.
It's times like these that make me wish rap was popular again.
Now, I don't want to come off as saying something like, "I listened to
these groups while they were still playing in the garage and only *I* should
be able to listen to them!" because that's not what I'm saying at all. It's
just that there's a shortage of good music already, yet now we have somebody
trying to kill it by drilling it into everyone's head and making it become old
and pass before it really should. Stuff like Weezer should stay around
forever because it's great music. When it becomes trendy, it becomes old
fast and nobody wants it anymore... Which means people like me who really
appreciate it won't be able to hear anymore of it either. Kinda like the
Smurfs. They were cool as shit for a while and then, next thing you know,
everyone had a Smurf! Then, they just weren't cool anymore. Damn, I miss
Smurfs. Same thing with those freakin' Trolls, but I hate them anyway, so I
don't give a shit. Well, next thing you know, my favorite groups are gonna be
the next Smurfs.
There's a major downfall to all this: we can't do anything about it! It's
not like we can coerce MTV to stop playing it! Well, not me. I try to keep
my sister away from good music as much as I can. It may sound drastic, but
c'mon.. she has the new Boyz II Men album for crissakes. What makes you think
I should lend her my Dinosaur Jr. albums?
On a good note.. uhm.. uh.. nevermind. There isn't a good note. I guess
we just have to see what happens. Maybe some psychopathic reader will go
down to ol' MTV HQ and torch the place. <sigh>.. One can only hope (Don't
try that at home, kids). But, until then, I guess I'll just sit back, pop
the new Basket Case album in my stereo, and relax.
Before I get on to my k-rad gr33tz, let me suggest a few good groups that have
yet to be killed by MTV:
Pavement, Superchunk, Compulsion, Velocity Girl, The Pixies, Jawbox, Frank
Black, Teenage Fanclub, Rancid, Sugar, Catherine, Sebadoh, NOFX, The Sex
Pistols (obviously), Guided By Voices, and the Gods of weirdness, Ween.
Buy each one of the albums by each of the above mentioned or die a horrible
death. Have a nice day.
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Special added bonus! Will not harm pets! Leaves no odors! Greets galore!
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I figured since this was my first released text file, and ReD's first
release, I may as well throw out some greets before people get pissed off and
start complaining, so, here goes:
Archangel - I may suck, but you're stupid, and I can stop sucking any time
I want while you're still stupid.. uh.. or something like that.
Thunderstorm - I'll lend you a chicken.
M0g3l - -<0|_|'/<3 s0 3|_i+3 4|\|/> -<0|_|/< b04rd +z 0-1 s3c0|\|/>!
(Sorry if I screwed anything up, I'm just not as elite as you
and I never will be <sob>)
Dash - Thanks for everything you've done for me from day one.
Velocity Girl - If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be listening to half these
decent groups.
Impact - Don't sit there, man.
Morgana - Figured I may as well say hi since you made me look like a
total wussy on my own board! Thanks, pal! That's what I get
for being tribular, I guess.
Spiff - Damned pit bastard. Thanks for the Pascal help.
Liz Phair - I want your children.
Steve Malkmus - You're a musical genius, and unfortunately, nobody but me
thinks so. Keep up the good work.
Frank Black - Thanks for providing some decent music that I can write to.
The two Johns - The musical inspiration for my band, Mr. Green Jeans.
* If you would like to be included in Black Francis's next greets, please *
* send a SASE to: Put me in Black Francis's Greets, you lousy bastard *
* c/o Sub-Culture BBS, (215)750-1782 *
Keep circulating the tapes.
