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Radioactive Aardvark Dung Issue 03
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Radioactive Aardvark Dung
Ressurected on primo de marzo, 1996
Copyright (c) 1996 - All Right Reserved
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- introduction
%*+- c/o mercuri
Aw, hell. Sorry this issue has been so ding-dang late. It's just
that I've been so busy lately, I just got back from my last mission with the
peace corps, and on this time I had occasion to see the great pryamids of
Egypt, battle fields that were millenia old, and also spent sometime
studying with buddhist monk's.
I've also seemed to become a compulsive liar.
The real reason it's so late is because, well, we like to dig here in
Indiana, and me and handle tried to dig to china. (they're communists, ya
know) and we would have succeeded if it wasn't for those lousy kids getting
in the way. I also forgot I ran a 'zine for about a week.
be sure to join us on ef-net irc, on #rad. i'm always there when i'm
on irc. rad will never die, just repeat that to yourself. we may be a
little late, face it, there are communists to kill.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- My life is like slipping on a banana peel
%*+- c/o handle
My life is like slipping on a banana peel. Have a nice day.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- i suck.
%*+- c/o mercuri
i suck. i never write.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- How to blow up really big stuff!
%*+- c/o handle
Supplies:
* Two (2) sticks of dynamite
* Lighter
First, twine together the wicks of the sticks of dynamite. Then
place it on the really big stuff you want to blow up. Light the fuse.
Run as fast as your feet will fucking take you. Tell all of your friends
and people you want to impress about it. You stupid fuck, you didn't have
to blow stuff up just because I said so. And then you went around and told
everybody about it. What an idiot. Have fun explaining this one to the
cops.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- stupid conversation
%*+- c/o JoltCola
Idiot 1: What are you drinking?
Idiot 2: Mountain Dew.
Idiot 1: Dude, that shrinks your penis.
Idiot 2: No it doesn't.
Idiot 1: Yeah it does.
Idiot 3: You're both stupid, it reduces your sperm count.
Idiot 1: Shit, I don't even want it anymore.
The three idiot's eye's widen, they look at the mountain dew in fear.
The three idiots get up never turning their back to the dew, and leave in
unison.
** Editor's Note: JoltCola was the fourth idiot, but the other idiots
kicked him out for lack of skill.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- ozzy & the pope go bowling
%*+- c/o handle
I was a brisk Autumn day and Ozzy Ozbourne was on his way to the Vatican
to pick up the pope. They went bowling every Friday, and this was the one
time in his whole week that Ozzy could relax.
Two miles down the road the pope is in his room putting on his lipstick
and rouge. He loved Friday's, bowling was his best sport. Plus he loved
wearing those tingly little shoes.
Pulling into the driveway Ozzy sees the Pope already standing on his front
porch. Without hesitation the Pope hops into the sporty car and greets his
good friend Ozzy,
"Hey Ozzy, hows by you?"
"Oh, not to bad just sitting back and collecting the royalties for Black
Sabbath. How you been?"
"Peachy, you know same old, same old. Talking to God, blessing people.
The usual"
"I can't believe your still doing the God thing."
"You know Ozzy, one of these days I'm gonna convince you to convert."
"Not on your life Popie!"
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!"
After a good hearty laugh the pope and Ozzy pull into the local "Bowl A
Rama". Parking the car Ozzy and the Pope jump out and proceed into the
building. When they get inside Ozzy and the Pope go to the bar and have a
seat on the two end stools.
"Hey boys, what can I get ya'?"
"I'll have a gin and tonic."
"And for you?"
"I'll have a severed monkey head and a bottle of bat's blood."
"So Pope, bet ya can't wait to get slaughtered again this week huh?"
"No way, last week was just a fluke. I'm gonna cream you."
"Sorry man, but I just got the edge on bowling."
"Hey Ozzy, why don't ya go suck a cock?"
"What the Hell did you say fuck hole?"
"I said go suck a dirty cock."
Pulling his arm back as far as it will go Ozzy throws the monkey head
at the Pope and it lands square in his chest with a thud and a splat.
"You fucked up my robe asshole!"
"I'll stain the rest of it with your blood, you piece of shit!"
"Is that right ya' son of a whore?"
Swiftly the Pope lands a right hook square in Ozzy's jaw sending him
tumbling backward. But an instant later Ozzy fakes a punch and kicks the
Pope in the gut. Letting out a grunt the Pope bends over, and Ozzy sends
his boot off once more connecting square in John's forehead. Thinking that
the fight was over Ozzy turns and begins to walk away. Getting up the Pope
sneaks up from behind and begins to choke Ozzy with his beads.
"How do you like that you fucker? Does that feel good?"
Begining to shake his head around like "The Hulkster" Ozzy elbows the
Pope in the gut over and over until he is forced to let up his strangle
hold. After stopping a second to catch his breath, Ozzy begins biting
the Pope on the forehead, and doesn't quit until he has a mouthful of blood.
While Ozzy slurps up his blood the Pope runs and tackles him to the ground.
Sitting on top of him the Pope puts his cross between his knuckles and
punches Ozzy in the face.
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
Looking down the Pope sees the bloody mess that used to be Ozzy, he has
had his first taste of blood. And he likes it.
Running out of the building the Pope gets into the Popemobile and drives
all the way to the Popecave. Entering the cave the Pope feels a bit
flustered so he reaches into a drawer and pulls out a bag of brown powder.
Pouring it into a spoon, he puts it over a flame until it is boiling. Then
he puts the solution into a syringe and slips the cold hard needle into one
bulging vein. Three minutes later he runs to the Popetoilet and vomits. The
heroin had been better than he thought.
January, 16 1996: A man is found dead in an alley, throat slit from ear
to ear. On the wall next to him is a giant cross painted in blood.
January, 22 1996: A four year old girl is found raped and beaten to death
in a field. A cross is cut into the corpses back.
The list goes on, nobody would have guessed that the Pope was the one
who was killing all of the Atheists. No one that is except John Smith. For
months a manhunt ensumes and finally the cops come across the body of the
pope. He was laying in the halls of medicine, he had overdosed on soothing
vapors.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
g3t h1p t0 my m0na4rchy!#@#$
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- pooh goes apeshit
%*+- c/o ghetto gabe
Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered
to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree,
there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady bang..
bang... bang! That was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The
light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe
once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin.
"Why... won't... he... fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down
once more. There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which
Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat
that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making
it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off. "A far more
sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to himself as he cut
the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the hole, finally
covering it up with the rug. "Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too
bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an
adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat
voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"
Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a
little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and
fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up,
squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had
answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then
went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there,
prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little
brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought
it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it
virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces
upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh,
could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his
mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the
blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.
Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have
his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired
the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched
him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.
Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his
skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He
rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking.
Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on
the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled
it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by
a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh
thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric
feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything
that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh
dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.
"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around
the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went
indoors.
The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see
if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since
yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet
yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.
When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere
to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large
hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of
congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of
Pooh's strong points). "That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons
in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What _is_ that silly bear up to now?"
Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment.
That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty
nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while
later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked
INSECTICIDE in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyor's
favorite patch of thistles.
"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud,
"always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper" Pooh said to himself.
Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself to
death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body
of Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet - "Shouldn't cheat should
you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyor's eyes stared with disbelief - "You're lucky I
didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh
manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.
Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced
out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood
and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo
bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun,
fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....". "'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My
foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better
lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the soundtrack
album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This
lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.
"What was that you said?", asked Roo. "God does he never stop asking
pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously, "I'm going to have to deal
with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence
apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly.
Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon
sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that
himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea
formed in his overactive brain, and agreed - "What an opportunity", Pooh
whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.
Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under
way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather
than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the
bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin
as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of
pushing the stupid cat into the stream - "Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll
drown."
There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as
his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to
the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was
joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.
"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold,
which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger?? How absolutely silly.
"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding
behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." But
Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face
down in the water, dead - "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his
watch, "Still time to get that little dick head Roo before he wakes up."
Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking
out of her pouch - "Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought,
smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly
grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up
Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would
not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew
Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After
the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's
mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough
uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him.
By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very
desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up
the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount,
one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh
died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming
that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he
surprised Eeyor one day - but that's a story for another day.
THE END
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
I love this article, I thought I was the only one that remembered
Pooh sticks. I sold my tractor to buy pants, I'm not cold anymore.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- Frederick the Toothbrush
%*+- c/o handle
Frederick was a good toothbrush, he sat at the counter in the store
and waited to be purchased by a friendly passerby. But it seemed to
Frederick that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't be purchased
and frankly this disturbed Frederick.
When he was just a little toothbrush still in the factory Frederick
was in his room playing with his bristles, when his mom walked in. She
never knocked, just always walked right in. She had snapped she screamed
and threw things at Frederick. She said that he would get a disease and his
bristles would turn black and fall off. Who would want to buy a toothbrush
without bristles? Frederick had many a nightmares about this during
shipping. But he was a big toothbrush now, he couldn't get any disease,
right? He shrugged and put it out of his mind, it was would soon be closing
and tomorrow was another day entirely.
The next day Frederick was finally purchased by a friendly biker who
had yellow teeth. Frederick would certainly have his work cut out for him
but he didn't care, he was being purchased. Finally they could have his
Barmitsva. When he got home the biker went right to brushing his teeth,
Frederick had his first taste of cigarette tar that day and he liked it.
Three days later Frederick was again being used, this time they're was even
more tar between the man's teeth, and this pleased Frederick. This went on
for about six months until one day Frederick was thrown in the garbage.
Something went terribly wrong toothbrushes were supposed to die when
they were thrown away. Why didn't Frederick? He just sat there in the
garbage screaming, until he realized that he wasn't dead and in fact for the
first time in his life he was free.
Frederick climbed out of the garbage can and walked right out of that
house into the cold hard streets of the cities. For the first few months of
his new lease on life he had a hard time. Frederick was forced to sell his
body in order to eat. One day in the grocery store Frederick noticed a
bunch of cigarettes up on the counter. Enthused he dished out his money and
got a pack, as soon as he left the store Frederick opened the pack and
started to smoke. This sensation was even greater than the tar between the
bikers teeth he felt good, yes, he felt great. Eventually by sheer force of
will Frederick gathered a quite impressive corral of "bitches", Frederick
liked being a pimp he had a lot of money now plus his new friends had
introduced him to pleasures far beyond the reaches of cigarretes.
Frederick hung out at the whiskey at night some say that you never
saw him without a beer in his hand. Frederick was a player and he was
addicted to heroin, among many other drugs whitch he frequented. Of course
this didn't last for long because he was just a little toothbrush and
couldn't take many drugs. Was he supposed to be some kind of drug addict
or something? That would simply be to easy. I'm simply not going to lie to
you anymore, in all actuality Frederick can't even talk. He's just my
toothbrush and he's never even seen a cigarette. Well he can telepathically
communicate but being secluded all his life hasn't helped his personality
much. He is rather immature. As a matter of fact Frederick was a big
conformer as soon as he was bought, he left to get a job and start a family.
And quite sadly, this was Frederick's inner torment. No one would
hire him because he was a toothbrush. They told him that he didn't have the
qualifications, so he tried to go to school. But when he enrolled a few of
the other parents didn't want their kids going to school with a toothbrush,
so on the first day their was a protest blocking his entrance to the school.
Frederick went quite mad after this event, and after going on a
murderous rampage that lasted thirty days and took the lifes of thirty tubes
of toothpaste, Frederick hung himself with dental floss. Very tragic brush,
that Frederick was. He could have been so much more with his potential.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- i hate (fat)communists & hippies.
%*+- c/o mercuri
I just thought I'd write about my extreme hate for communists,
because recently I saw a button that said "I'd rather be killing communist"
I'd kiss the man who wrote that button if I could find him. My hate for
communists stems from when a bunch of communists formed the communist party.
yeah... that made me mad. the only thing i think that was good about
communist russia was the cold war. those were fun times. there saying now
that communism might come back to russia, because of some extreme right-wing
leaders running for office. I say good, it's only more people for me to
kill.
Hippies, can't stand hippies, there almost as bad as communists, and
definetly on the same level as fat-communists. Stupid hippies and their
drugs. There's not one thing they can do with their drugs that I can't do
with my mind. Damn hippies and their backpacks, flowers in their hair, big
gypsy type dresses. i was walking down the hall the other day, and
heard a hippy say "well, just fuck the system!". this was because she got
expelled for smoking pot during lunch hour. i just wanted to say "yeah!
must not work to well, huh? stupid system. fuck it." hippies, by law,
are required to be extremely stupid (or just act like it) and smoke. cant
smoke menthol man because i overheard a hippy say, "dude, man, that's like
suckin' on a candy cane!"
The 'dumb hippies are dumb' theory can be proved with this: one
time, when their was a special on about pot on a chicago tv station, two
hippies came into my class saying: "man! this is sooooooo cool! they're
legalizing pot!" morons. they should be running laps. morons.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- National Wife Beaters Day
%*+- c/o huh huh huh handle
By the year nineteen-ninety seven february eighteenth will be known
Evermore as national wife beaters day. personally i feel that this is
A mockery of our society today. are we so bent on holidays that we have
To come up with something so utterly vulgar? so support my cause and write
Your congressman. tell him that national wife beaters day is a mockery to
Our society, and that you feel that it should be banned. And then when he
Utters a reply ask him if pakistan jumped off a bridge would he to. He won't
Reply after this one because then you've got him. We shouldn't honor these
Weenies that beat there wifes. We should be killing them and calling them
Ignorant. So please do all you can to put down these damn wife beaters who
Fucking don't deserve a holiday. only you can put forth enough work and
Effort to ban this new national holiday.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- COINCIDENCE, MAN.
%*+- c/o handle
It was a bright and sunny day Handle and Mercuri were walking down
the street contemplating the future of Rad when suddenly they bump into
Mogel.
"Hey Mogel, what are you doing here?"
"I don't know I just always seem to wander into everybody's stories,
I guess I'll be going now."
Walking even further the, duo bumped into Geck0. Happily they
greeted him but he smuggly ignoreed them and kept on walking.
"Hey Mercuri, this isn't going to be one of those pointless stories
where we just keep meeting people is it?"
"God, I sure hope not."
But just as they curse pointless stories they see Dead Cheese run by,
all the time yelling, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" Wondering
where all of these people are coming from, Handle and Mercuri start walking
even further then Mercuri looks up into the sky and notices the familiar
glow of the aardvark signal. Looking at each other they nod as if they were
in perfect synch. Making sure that no one is looking they slip into the
sewer below. Just as they make they're way to the Dungstation they see that
Puck is standing outside the door.
"Damn it, get out of here I hate these kind of stories!"
"Oh, sorry I must have mistaken this for a different, less rad zine."
"It's ok homey, we just really need to get into the Dungstation or
things will most assuredly be wack."
Slipping into their costumes Merc and Handle hop into the Radmobile
and hurry off to fight lameness everywhere. Before they go Mercuri informs
handle that his balls are showing, but he fixes them all the time cursing
that the costumes have shrunk again.
Cruising down the street Handle and Mercuri see cerkit and belial
gawking at the modified Pinto that is now the radmobile Finally pulling up
to the police station, they run upstairs until they find the office marked
"Commissioner Mogel".
"Since when have you been commissioner?"
"Actually I'm not I'll be the first to admit that I'm living a lie,
but that doesn't change the fact that it's impossible to write a story
without including me."
"Ok, whatever, what's the problem?"
"Well, we have reports of strange things happening all over the
city."
"Is this the mens room?"
In unison they all turn to see Hal08 standing in the doorway with his
pants down to his ankles. Just then the phone rings and Mercuri hears a
familiar voice on the other line. Oh my god it's Geck0 and he's threatening
to set entities of lameness loose on the city if we don't put his story in
RAD. Then that must be the source of all the reoccuring lameness. His
instructions are for us to come to the middle of his families cornfield, and
to come alone. They turn to the corner of the room to ask black francis his
advice, but he is busy groping his breasts so they don't bother him.
Mercuri and Handle quickly devise an evil scheme and then leave for
Geck0's cornfield. But when they get there they see only Apothecary,
Gaurdian, and JoltCola sitting around a table. So this has all just been
a drill brought on by the other members of the Justice League. Merc and
Handle sit down and have a hearty laugh. Then Handle informs Gaurdian that
his balls are showing, and he fixes them. Once Murmur and Shadow Tao arrive
they begin the meeting. Mercuri says that the first order of business is
to change the type of clothes we wear. Apothecary suggests jeans and
t-shirts. The whole club votes unanimously that this will be their new
outfits. No more balls will ever show again, so they live happily ever
after. Now if only we can do something about these damn pointless stories
where people just sort of appear.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- the wrath of the yum-yum tum-tums three: the even trilogy
%*+- c/o handle
It had been three years since the Apocalypse. Christmas trees everywhere,
all the humans and animals were killed, the only thing left were the
cochroaches and the pork. Algimpy, king of the pork was sitting on his
thrown in Paris, France. He knew that once those pesky humans were out of
the way, it would be the porks turn to rule. The only thing that was
standing in there way, was the cochroaches. They shouldn't be much trouble
after all they are just bugs.
Thousands of miles away in Los Angeles Johnny, now king of the cochroaches
assembles his troops and begins training them to march against the pork.
Johnny decided that he would rule the remaining residents of the planet.
Johnny was very troubled, Zeus had separated his kitty's soul from his side.
Zeus was angry, Johnny had destroyed the world and all of the intelligent
life on the planet. But no matter what he did, Zeus could not seem to kill
the immortal Johnny.
Johnny trained the Cochroaches well,they were put through rigorous
workouts and brainwashed to hate all pork everywhere. One time a cochroach
befriended a pork chop, he was slupped by Johnny. Yes you heard me
correctly he was slupped, slupped till he couldn't produce fecaloter any
more. Johnny didn't much care for pork because when he was a child, there
was a slice of bacon that lived in the tree outside his window. The bacon
often taunted Johnny and called him Snuffalupagus. The piece of bacon liked
to think of itself a Super Grover but Johnny called him a poser and the
bacon ate his iguana.
It was this and because there were rumers that Zeus was helping the pork
that Johnny wanted to wage war. He did train the cochroaches and he did
train them hard until finally the day came and the bugs were ready to
attack. Johnny suited them in uniforms made of Lifesavers and safety pins.
The ugly buglies, were much in anticipation for the coming battle.
Cochroaches were accustomed to battle and after Johnny's pep talk they were
ready to pants the poopy pork patties.
On the opposite side of the world the pork was also preparing for war.
Algimpy was the general and Zeus had gained full authority of the pork.
There entire battle plan was worked out. The porkchops would throw the
bacon into the heart of the cochroaches causing panic and chaos to ensume.
Then the processed pork patties would charge and slice away at their victims
withrazor sharp Spam lids. The Spam didn't show because he thought he was
to old a joke and would cheapen the story.
Across the ocean the cochroaches were marching, it would now only be a
matter of time before they reached the pork citadel. They eagerly awaited
the chance at ripping through the much hated pork. Johnny had convinced
them that all pork was bad and wanted to sleep with their shoe horns. The
cochroaches didn't much like that, they took pride in their shoe horns
because they costed more than even the greatest marsupials.
Finally the time for battle came, the cochroaches charged but were
surprised by the porks secret weapon. They had a snuffalufagus, he charged
and separated the cochroaches ranks. Then the porkchops began hurling the
bacon it looked like it was all over for the cochroaches but then on order
they all vomitted at the same time, the charging pork slipped on the vommit
and many a tailbones were bruised. The time for revenge had come Johnny
released Sherman. Sherman stampeded through the pork and killed many
patties before finally coming face to face with snuffalupagus.
Sherman swung at snuffalupabus but he dodged the blow and wrapped his
trunk around Sherman's wrist. Sherman pulled with all his might and
slipping in the mud fell to the ground. Taking this opportunity Sherman
jumped up and landed on top of snuffalupagus. Snuffy was not pleased, he
swung his tail cutting deep into Sherman's side. Then he followed up by
pummeling Sherman with his trunk. Sherman was knocked senseless, he fell
over and began screaming "Help me! He stepped on my orange peels!"
Of course Sherman was just playing possum, no Sherman could have been put
down this easy. Even by a snuffalupagus. Sherman uppercutted Snuffy in the
jaw, and stabbed him frequently with a garden hose. Snuffy was dead, but
all was not lost, Elmo came forth from the trunk of the great Snuffalupagus.
He instantly fries Sherman with his eye beams and screams his war call
"Poop!"
Meanwhile the cochroaches are pushing the pork further and further back.
But then the pork dip their heads in boiling grease and go crazy from the
adrenaline rush. This was not a good turn of events for the cochroaches,
the casualties were great and Elmo tearing through their ranks were not two
things to be taken lightly. Johnny was distraught, he decided to go to
drastic measures. He turned himself into a giant kitty creature and alerted
Grover of Elmos presence.
Grover wasn't very fond of Elmo, he felt that all the best Beatles songs
were his ideas and that Elmo took all the credit. Grover and Elmo began to
brawl, Elmo swung at Grover, but Grover ducked and kicked him in the crotch.
Elmo fell over an died, he had very sensitive testicles. Grover began
laughing, he would finally get the credit for "Yellow Submarine". Elmo's
ghost emerged from his old body. Elmo's ghost was more powerful than his
old mortal self, so Grover turned himself into Super Grover. Elmo knew that
he couldn't fight Super Grover, he was the most powerful being in the
planet. Elmo ran away scared and hid under the mystical Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle blanket. Elmo's ghost was safe at last.
Super Grover killed many pork products in the next few minutes. Johnny
had killed the rest the pork were finished. Only three strips of bacon and
two porkchops remained. One of the pieces of bacon whispered something into
Super Grovers ear and then they all ran away.
Johnny told Super Grover that they would become lovers and rule the world
together. This angered Zeus, for the first time he made his appearance. But
he was not alone, he had brought Poseidon. They confronted Super Grover and
Johnny, now they were facing god's. Poseidon sent a wall of water over his
enemies heads to knock them off guard. Then Zeus followed up with a
lightning bolt and rung there ears with thunder. Zeus turned to Poseidon
and said "Gee thanks for the help sea boy, I couldn't have done that by
myself"
"Why don't you just shutup you pompous bastard."
"I was just kidding, settle down there boyo."
"No I won't, I'm sick of you. Your an ass!"
"Your still mad about that Odysseus thing aren't you."
"No, I got over that a long time ago."
"No you didn't, your still mad about it. I know you are."
"Why don't you shutup you asshole you've been a jerk ever since I've known
you!"
With this Poseidon brings up the sea and sends it crashing down on Zeus. It
looks for a moment like it will be three on one, but then Super Grover
strikes Johnny with a mighty blow.
"I've been told by a little piece of bacon that on occasion you take credit
for being Super Grover."
"No, you don't understand, I was just a kid and you were my hero."
"I don't buy it I bet you went around telling everyone that you were Super
Grover. That's it your ass is grass!"
A battle quickly ensumes Zeus and Super Grover against Poseidon and Johnny
I don't think I have to tell you that Zeus and Super Grover make quick work
of the other duo. They are quickly killed, and there spirits are destroyed
by some extra pixie dust that Zeus had in his pocket. Johnny would never
plague the world again.
Zeus and Super Grover then walk away into the sunset revelling in their
victory and enjoying their new found friendship. Just overhead a plane
flies across the battle field and drops an atom bomb on the two heros. They
are not killed because... well because there them. Then after the mushroom
cloud clears the plane flies overhead again and the characters from the
McDonalds commercials parachute out. (except for birdie of course, she has
wings)
Ronald takes off his nose and throws it at Zeus knocking him off his feet.
Then Grimmace uses his girth to knock super grover off his feet. Zeus and
Super Grover had thought that these beings were dead, but they were really
seeking shelter in the North Pole with Santa Clause. After they fight for
a while the plane lands and Santa gets out to join the fight. On Zeus is
the Fry Guys, Ronald, and Birdie. And on Super Grover is Grimmace,
Hamburglar, and Mayor McCheese. Although they put up a valiant attempt at
victory, when Santa joins the fight there is nothing they can do. There
opponents faught like zombies. Zeus and Super Grover are not killed though,
they are made Santa and the characters slaves and they serve them forever.
Thirty miles beneath the ice of Antartica three pieces of bacon, two
porkchops, and a cowering monk eating a bowl of cheese and macaroni sit.
The resistance has been formed, and it is only a matter of time before they
will make their move.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
Keep your eyes out for the eighth issue double size anniversary
twotyytt, many a things will be resolved for our castmembers. That is if
RAD doesn't die because of Mercuri's lazy ass.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- my quest for vegemite
%*+- c/o joltcola
It all began when I was a young lad (my quest for that stuff) in Delaware
watching MTV. I didn't really know what MTV was about but I knew that all
the people had shiny hair and I liked that.
So, one day I was watching MTV and I saw this video by Men At Work. It
seemed like an ordinary video. A year later I saw it again and my
ingquisitive mind asked me "What the hell is vegemite?". MY QUEST HAD
BEGUN!
I looked it up in the dictionary but there was no entry. I was
disappointed by I was a determined little bastard. I asked my parents and
they said "The stuff from the Men at Work video" (my parents watch a lot of
TV). I thought all was lost. I all but have up my quest. :(
Years later I was in the English Tea Room (it has good food) and I
remembered my holy quest. I asked the old guy who ran the place if he
happened to have any vegemite.
"No we don't have any"
"Can you order it?"
"I geuss, it comes from Australia so you'll have to pay eXtra"
I was giddy. I was thinking "It's vegemite time, baby".
About 6 weeks later I went to the English Tea Room. The guy said he just
got it. I whipped out my wad and gave the guy his money. He gave me a
little jar. It was a wierd jar. It was like the jars that they put
vaseline in. It said Kraft (TM) in big yellow letters. Below that it said
"Vegemite (made in Australia).
The moment of thruth had come! I mustered all my courage. I opened it!
I whipped out a butter knife and spread some on bread (I thought of that bad
Men at Work song from so many years ago. I held my nose and took a bite. I
ran to the toilet. I was very happy that vegemite had
lived up to its reputation.
I love you vegemite.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
Vegemite? What the hell's so good about vegemite? Lips and assholes.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- cough medicine
%*+- c/o the diaries of joltcola
January 3:
Today someone at school gave me a Halls. It tasted really good. Not
only did it taste good, but it also took me somewhere. It took me to a
magical place that I like to call the Halls of Medicine. I asked the kid
if I could have another but he told me to buy my own. So I did.
January 6:
I have been going to the pharmacist and telling him I have a cold and
he always gives me what I want, Halls. Halls is expensive. It is $2 for
one pack. I have started a paper route and I am mowing lawns. I will work
hard as long as I get my Halls.
January 10:
I take about 4 packs of Halls a day now. My trips to the Halls of Medicine
are getting shorter so I have to buy more. It is expensive I took another
paper route in a different neighbourhood. As long as I get my Halls.
January 15:
My pharmacist won't give me any more Halls. He says I am addicted.
He is lying. He just wants my Halls. That bastard. There is someone at
school who will sell it to me. I don't care how I get it as long as I get
it.
January 18:
Someone from the CMRE (Cough Medicine Resistance Education) Program
came to our school and said that taking cough medicine is very bad. I don't
believe him. What has some police officer ever done for me? Does he take
me to the Halls of Medicine? No. Fuck him.
January 25:
Halls doesn't take me to the halls anymore. I told my school
supplier. He told me to try Robbotusin. I said Ok. It is different from
Halls. Not worse, not better just different. It doesn't take you to the
halls but it lets you float around. My supplier calls it "Robotripping."
January 31:
I take about 5 bottles of Robbotusin in one day. It sure does cost a
lot. I have been stealing from Mom's purse. I feel bad but I always feel
better when I go on my Robotrip.
Febuary 5:
My dad was in my room and he found my Robbotusin. He was mad. He
told me I needed help. I told him thay Robbotusin is help. He grounded me.
Febuary 10:
I have been sneaking out at night to meet my supplier. I have been
beating up kids at school and taking their money. My supplier says I take
too much. Fuck him. I know how much is enough.
Febuary 18:
I got expelled from school today for assault and extortion. I just
got back from meeting my supplier. He gave me 8 bottles! It cost a lot
but it was worth it. I am about to take it now.
March 1:
I just got out of a clinic. I nearly OD'ed last time I made an entry.
All the people at the clinic were bastards. They took away my stash. I
promised I was clean but I will get more. My dad put bars on my windows and
a lock on my door. He teaches me at home. I will get some, somehow.
March 4:
Oh God, I need it. Oh God do I need it. If I don't get some soon I
will commit suicide. Og God, I need it so bad.
March 6:
I can't handle it anymore. I need a way out. Maybe death is a never
ending Robotrip. Ahhhhh. Well, goodbye my friends. It is hard to commit
suicide when I am watched so closely but I have found a way. All I have to
do is stick sharp pencils up my nose and jam my head on the desk. Well,
here it goes.
kdafj:KSjfdglkertg8ireagf98udgh uuuu
Epilouge:
Dozens of youths die each year from overdose or the indirect causes
of cough medicine. If you or someone you know "Robotrips" or takes any
cough medicine as a stimulant please contact your local CMRE.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
Cough, cough. Mom, I think I need some more!
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- The Super geck0 combo pack
%*+- c/o handle
This my friends (well actually your not my friends because I know
none of you) is the extra special Geck0 combo pack. It contains the zany
adventures of Geck0 in the form of a neat submission by Geck0. At first
it was just going to go to waste because we thought the public wouldn't be
ready for it, but now I realize that you shouldn't be deprived of such
joyous humor. Oh yeah and theres some things were I try to be funny to.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- My day wuz FUQED.
%*+- by geck0 (torn apart by handle & mercuri)
It all started when I started my day.
{Your day, what makes it your day you smug bastard?}
I never went to sleep so I couldn't wake up...it helps not to sleep then
you don;t have to wake up, then sometimes you sleep fer days,
{Shut the fuck up you candy-ass bastard your not funny.}
then...oh sorry. anyways. I went into my kitchen where I started a
conversation with Juan Valdez, I luv him. Hes sooo nice to me.
{Juan Valdez, did I here this right? Man this guy's fucking weird.}
{Sarcasm}
{Nice beyone the barriers of normal friendship i assume. - merc}
But then Capt'n Kangaroo Came out of his donkeys ass and said, "Anyone seen
my keychains?" we both said no and he left.
{Capt'n Kangaroo, keychains? What angel from heaven gives him these
references}
I bet the donkey was in pain...that big-ass kangaroo going in and out of his
ass, anywayz.
{HAHAHAHA~!@ Ass, he said ass, can you believe that? What a comic
genius this guy is!!!}
{but he's not really a kanga... nevermind, moron. - merc}
We finished our conversation when I spilt my Coffee on him and he hit me.
{I thought you said he was nice to you, I'm begining to wonder if your whole
lifes a lie...}
So now it was 11 am, I walked into my pooter room and clap my hands. My
pooter goes whirr whirr, click click click, BEWM! SHIT! its dead...oh well.
{Computer bomb, damn commies hurting our good friend geck0.}
3 hours later I find out that there was meatloaf stuck into it, after
picking out with my sisters toothbrush I'm all set.
{Meatloaf, how did that get in there? teeheehee Man will your sister be mad}
{69 years old, and you live with your sister?}
Suddenly I'm disturbed by my son, Jesus.
{You named your son Jesus? How can you have a son when your a virgin? Oh
well, he is geck0 after all!}
Dad, since your god and all, can you make Billy have 3 dicks and 1 eye?
{Three dicks and one eye, what a freak. Oh well, it sure is funny and that's
good enough for me.}
Why would I do that? Cuz he called me a jew!
{What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream
when you put him in the oven! Darn that's a really old joke, guess I'm just
not as funny as our good friend geck0}
DAMN! I'll make him have a bagina and 3 breast! FUCK HIM! DAM HIM TO HELL!
or Juan Valdez's donkeys asshole.
{Teeheehee he said "bagina", how kooky. Anytime someone mentions a female
sex organ I just can't help breaking out in a fit of giggling!}
Thanx dad, your the best.
{Thanx? How rad.}
{personally, i think i would have laughed hard if he said; Thanx dad, your
the breast! - merc}
Get out of here you little rascal.
{Little Rascals? As in Spanky? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA}
After that, I had to take a leak... Why do you shiver when taking a leak?
I've wondered about that?
{Um geck0, I don't know why you assumed that everyone else shivered when
they piss, but I'll tell you this. If urinating has become so strenuous
that you shiver I suggest that you see a physical therapist}
{or he could just stop submitting to rad alltogether - merc}
Maybe all the warm piss takes your body heat with it, PISS THIEVES! or maybe
its God(me) trying to make you miss and wet the seat...Yeah thats it, cuz
I'm god. BLAH BOOGEY BLAH!
{Silly geck0, your not god, your just a fag}
{"BLAH BOOGEY BLAH!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA - merc}
I have a ham in my cleavage.
{So exactly how big are your breasts geck0?}
{ (*)ham(*) hahahahah!! I see how funny it is now with the picture and
all! - merc [ (*)(*) <-- breats w/o ham, NOT FUNNY!]}
Sorry, one of them things.
{Oh, ok, that explains everything.}
Now I turn my soundblaster speaker into a blue and black quilt, I am again
set to go onto my pooter.
{Soundblaster to quilt, that's better than water to wine.}
ahh, fuck it, now I don;t feel like it. I feel like taking a walk. I walk
outside. I go to my neighbors house, he has a hot older sister, I like
girliez, there fun.
{Why did you feel you had to clear that up?}
can you say fun, f-u-n!
{Fun, wow I can! Your pointless shit has taught me something, thanks!}
J-E-L-L-O! whew...ok, now I see the pirate ship coming up the street so I
grab on. I climb aboard and demand to speak wit the capt'n. OH MY FUCKING
ME! its cap't Crunch. I say, where are you going?
{Captain Crunch? Don't talk to that fucking guy! He just wants you dead!
Get away, you'll just get cancer!! No! Damn you Cap'n! Damn you!!!!!!!}
{You forgot, it's geck0, man.}
To never never land to talk to my bro, capt'n Hook. Your bro is Hook, but
hes scary (I *phear* capt'n hook), your like marshmellow (all cartoons feel
like cartoons), your a pussy.
{Wow using ph instead of f, where have i heard that before?}
HEY, why don't you just go stick a plank up your ass and eat shit, or would
you like that to much.
{Would you like it to much? I don't understand. That sounds quite painful
to me. Why would someone like that?}
{You've never met my uncle jim, handle. anyway, i think they used that in
communist POW camps, let's get the bastard. - merc}
all of his men grabbed me and threw me off. OUCH! You bastards!
{Hey! You can't do that to my friend geck0!}
I walked into my neighbors house where I saw his sister, I started talking
to her, I got laid that night.
{Talking to girls is considered getting laid? Wow! I get laid numerous
times every day! I can't believe I didn't know this before!}
{I just thought i'd stick mogel's name in here, because everyone else does
this in their 'zine, i mean, am i right bF, murmur, tao, orestes, cerkit,
puck, apothecary, joltcola, & skooter? - merc}
I'm not telling you how cuz its my sekrets! I'm god, what can I say. B00!
{Ah!!!! Oh sorry, you scared me with that b00. Sucrets, I love those
things. When I get a cough they make me feel happy inside}
I left his house, with a big smile on my face. Then I saw a NYNEX truck,
W00 W00! I want an orange fone! those are mega kewl. So I got one, there
neat-o, say Orange, O-R-A-N-G-E. {orange} It make beep-boop-bop-bop noises
and is orange. I like the orange.
{But the question is are they orange?}
{Wait, handle, this guy must be a veteran of the telecom scene. - merc}
When I get home I'm hungry as ass... so I eat a big dog,
{You know ass? I used to talk to him on occasion in Kentucky, though he
wasn't that hungry back then. How is ass?}
MMMM... Taste like chicken with some lemon. AHHH Nolan Ryan in my
microwave! then I saw the stop sign in the air conditioner. I decided to
call my friend Fred.
{Now I'm really starting to think geck0's a liar, the laws of physics simply
won't let Nolan Ryan fit in a microwave.}
me> Friggity Fred Fred!
Fred> Hey God, wassup?
me> not much, I was just trying to get teh cacti outta my TV.
Fred> Are you on something?
me> Eat MY ASS!
*CLICK*
{You should really treat your friends a little better, I'm sure you don't
have very many}
err, my day wuz fuqed. maybe I should go to bed, after all stayin up 72
hours makes you hullucinate.
{Wait a second, I thought you didn't sleep}
{Not when he's out partying hearty! 72 hours, this guy is probably the life
of every party. i mean, he put in that 72 hour thing in there just so he
could sound tough, thats the only reason i would put it in there. - merc}
I eat my apple sauce, cuz apple sauce is good fer you... It make you big and
strong.
{I thought that was spinach?}
{Nope, read _The New England Journal of Medicine_, Volume 12, Issue 4 -merc}
(*HANG ON GOTTA GET A DRINK OF COCA-COLA*)
{Ok I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't try to be
funny there. So the question remains, who the hell cares?}
there... ok... where wuz I, ummm, oh yeah..so the blue mustang pulls up and
a monkey in the front seat says "Have you seen my Lemur?" I quickly shot him
in the head and stole the car. The lemur thanked me and said the man had
touched his peepee.
{I did no such thing to that lemur, he asked me to me to touch his peepee}
{See I'm funny, just like geck0}
Bye-Bye
{Do me a favor and never submit for rad again, ok?}
{No way, it's my 'zine fuck-nut... oh,... GECK0! nevermind. - merc}
__________________ _ _
.::.Geck0.::.
Realname: God {I thought it was pubert}
Age: 69 {HAHAHA that's a reference to a sex position. Get it?}
Lives: Under The House. {How much is the rent}
Favorite Food: Baby food banana stuff. {Simply not funny}
Favorite Color: I'm blind {Then why add favorite color?}
Favorite Song: I'm deaf {Then how do you here the slurping sound of your
dick entering your cat's anus?}
Quote: "Your on my bread!" - Juan Valdez {I never remember him saying that}
Best Friend: Juan Valdez and his donkey, Kim {I happen to be good friends
with Juan and I'm sure he would be quite interested in reading your oh so
funny story... No actually I'm not friends with Juan because then I'd be as
lame as you. Plus he's probably not real.}
Bye-Bye, I'moff to watch "You can't do that on Television" cuz its the only
thing that makes sense to me.
{Hey geck0, how many jigawatts is needed for time travel?! TEEHEE. Maybe
he'll say "I DONT KNOW". - merc}
{A "You can't do that on television" reference, wasn't there already one in
rad_001? Oh well, I would just like to say that right now I am pissing in
the eyesockets of geck0.}
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
Once upon a time in a land far away...
(*HANG ON GOTTA GET A DRINK OF COCA-COLA*)
On top of my desktop, all covered with papers I lost lost my poor cola,
while laughing at Geck0 It rolled out of my room, and down my all my stairs
I couldn't go get it, cuz I was to busy laughing at that awesome story that
Geck0 submitted. Man do I love that story. Can you believe it? How can
one little story be so funny? It just drives me crazy to see that there's
someone out there that's so funny. I mean this guy can have the planet at
his fingertips. What would happen if his humor fell into the wrong hands?
I'll tell you what would happen we would be completely at his mercy because
we would just keep wanting to hear more and more about Geck0 and his crazy
exploits. Woo, I really got to sit down and get control of my breathing,
just thinking about that crazy geck0 makes me go nuts. Man I sure do wish
that I were Geck0. But who doesn't.
My day wuz FUQED!
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
My day was skrewd, by Handle
It all started when I shit my pants. There were little elves dancing
around in my toilet. I was about to scream when one of them turned to me
and said Vanilla Ice is in my socks.
Wow that was really weird. OK, so as I was saying my day was really
skrewd...
(*HANG ON I'VE GOT TO SUCK ON MY CAN O' CHEESE*)
OH, where was I, oh yeah so there was this guy and he started throwing
all of these literhosen at me. Then after that I was cheezy and I punched
the guy and said YO G that's wack. And then he was going to fight me, but
he saw that I was Ala so then he stopped. Then he said wow it's Ala, could
you pull this elephant out of my ass. So I said what are you gonna give me
if I do. And then he said I thought you were supposed to be nice and just
do things. But then I said he had to give me three cups of battery acid.
Can you say battery? B-A-T-T-E-R-Y. Then I saw that Juan Valdez was at my
door and I let him in. I like Juan he is my friend. But then Juan said
that he had this sister and she was really hot. I like girls, no really I
do. I've been laid plenty of times. I like girls that's me the girl liker.
I certainly don't like guys. I like girls. And then his sister screwed me
because I was Ala and all powerful and stuff. Then she said how old are you
and I said 69. And she said where do you live. And I said my address was
69 under the house. And I said this is the 69th day in a row that I've been
laid more than once. And then she said she would count how long I could
stay under water. And then she counted and I stayed under exactly 69
seconds. Of course all this dialog was done by paper, because I'm deaf.
Then a really funny thing happened I cleaned out my dogs anus with my
sisters toothbrush. Man my day is really skrewd. I haven't slept in over
five years but that's ok because I'm ala.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I like it when I make fun of people, what a queer.
What the hell was he thinking when he wrote that. - handle
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- in search of the perfect orgasm, OR, Doing it with a lizard is fun
%*+- Puck
When the alien ray gun zapped Godzilla, it did more than just kill
the old cliche, it brunt a few people, too. This is the story of one of
those people: Little Sally Ann Gibson, age sixteen, size 36D, ray gun
victim.
COUNTDOWN: ONE HOUR BEFORE GODZILLA BITES IT.
"Sally. Ann. Gibson." Sally's mother spaced the words as if they
were each a sentence. "How many times have I told you to wear a bra? You
can't go to school looking like that. Now get back upstairs and change into
something decent."
"But, Mom..." Sally banged her hand in frustration on the banister,
not really noticing that her anger made her nipples poke through the loose
knit of her sweater.
"No buts. Do as I say." Sally;s mom put her hands on her hips in the
old Superman pose and stared at Sally's chest with disgust.
Sally knew there was no arguing with her mother when she talked like
that and stood like that. It made no difference that all the girls in school
were going without their bras. It amde no difference that she had great tits
and liked to show them off. Nope. None of that mattered. Her mom was still
living in the stone age.
Sally trudged slowly back upstairs, pouting, her lower lip extended.
wondering what Billy was going to think and if he's even like her anymore.
It wasn't until she got to the top that she realized she was being stupid.
She could just take her bra off after she got to school. Her mom would never
know.
And it might even be fun.
COUNTDOWN: THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE THE ALIEN RAY GUN FRIES GODZILLA'S
BRAIN AND OTHER BODY PARTS.
Sally giggled, then squirmed on the smooth car seat, as Billy slipped
her sweater up over her head. His fingers were cold and as they brushed her
skin under her arms they sent little shivers of pleasure all over her body.
"Nice way to start the day," Billy said, his hands rubbing her bra-
encased boobs as if he was trying to tune the radio, both knobs at the same
time.
Sally glanced nervously around the mostly empty school parking lot.
It was still early, so there was still tiem. She turned her back to Billy.
"Unhook me, would you?"
"My pleasure," Billy said. His voice squeaked and he was starting to
pant. Sally knew what that meant. She'd have to get her sweater back on
damn fast or they'd be wrestling out here for hours. Damn. Why ahd she
thought it would be fun to have Billy help?
MEANWHILE....
IN CHRISTOPHER REEVES BEDROOM...
Doc: Well, he'll never walk again... he's paralized from the waist
down...
Chris: MWAAAaaAAaAAaAaAaAaaHHH#@!
Doc: kinda fucked up his speech too.
Wife: so he'll never be able to... well.... you know...?
Doc: nope..
Wife: Fuck it.. shoot him.
<end pointless completely off-subject tangent>
COUNTDOWN: TEN MINUTES UNTIL GODZILLA GETS TURNED INTO A CRISPY
CRITTER BY THE ALIENS WHO WANT TO SAVE THE EARTH FOR SOMETHING
BETTER.
"Billy! Stop that!" Sally pulled Billy's hand out from under her
skirt. Now she was panting. His face was red. She had gotten her sweater
back on only by promising Billy he could do other "things." She just hadn't
expected to enjoy the other "things" so much. She'd always been a "good"
girl and never let a boy touch her "there."
She glanced quickley around the parking lot. Well, maybe it wouldn't
hurt for just another minute.
She let go of Billy's hand and it ducked under her skirt faster than
her cat trying to hide from the neighbor's dog.
COUNTDOWN: FIVE MINUTES UNTIL GODZILLA SMOKES AND THE ALIENS LAUGH
AND THE WORLD IS PLAGUED BY A NEW RASH OF JAPANESE HORROR MOVIES.
They were interrupted twice by cars pulling in. But both times Sally
had let Billy put his hand back up her skirt. The last time he had pulled
aside her white panties and really touched her. The feeling almost scared
her. Almost.
This time the intruding car, Carla's blue Volks, pulled in across
from them. Billy quickly pulled his hand out and Sally felt the
dissapointment, among other things. the excitement of thinking that Carla
might guess what they were doing had her breathing hard.
Both of them waved at Carla as if the had been talking about a
Biology assignment and nothing mor
e. The minute Carla turned and headed
for school, Sally lifted her butt of the seat, reached up under her skirt,
and pulled off her white panties. She held them up for Billy to see.
"If I don't need a bra," she said, smiling. "I sure as hell don't
need these."
She dropped them in her purse as Billy tried to catch his breath.
COUNTDOWN: ONE MINUTE UNTIL GODZILLA GETS STEAMED, DEEP-FAT FRIED,
AND SENT TO THE NEXT WORLD BY THE ALIENS WHO ARENT EVEN FROM THIS
WORLD.
Billy's fingers were doing wonderful things under her skirt and
Sally didn't really care if anyone drove up or not. She'd let Billy watch
out. She had her eyes closed and right now her entire body was starting to
tremble. She knew she was going to come any minute. And she knew it was
going to be better then when she wrapped her legs around her teddy bear and
squeezed real hard.
Billy's hand moved faster and she maoned. This time was going to be
better. _Much_ better.
BLAST-OFF: GODZILLA'S SCALES REFLECTED PART OF THE HEAT RAY. ALIEN
HEAD GUNNERS CALLED IT A FLUKE.
Billy's hand was moving like a blender and Sally was half moaning,
half shouting. Two seniors laughed and pointed as they walked by the
shaking car.
HEADLINE: ALIEN RAY BOUNCES OFF ATMOSPHERE, HITS CAR IN A HIGH
SCHOOL PARKING LOT IN THE VERY HEART OF AMERICA. PRESIDENT THREATENS
TO SUE ALIENS AND JAPANESE.
Sally Ann Gibson's first real orgasm and the alien heat ray hit her
at exactly the same instant.
She exploded like a kid's baloon against a cactus.
She blew up like a tomato thrown against a brick wall.
She had an orgasm unparalleld in human existence.
HEADLINE: GODZILLA LIMPS INTO OCEAN CARRYING TEN STORY BUILDING.
ALIENS HAVE NO COMMENT.
Billy broke his right hand in the orgasmic explosion and ended up
having to sell his car because he couldn't get past the memory. He also had
to live with the phobia against parking on dates that limited his future
sexual practices.
Little Sally Ann Gibson recovered after two days in the hospital.
The doctors promised her that plastic surgery would help the permanent
smile frozen on her face.
She never had the operation.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- My butt versus the World
%*+- c/o Handle
George lay still in the middle of the hallway. He had just been ran
into by one of the dick seniors. He hated things like this, they all
thought that just because he was small they could push him around. Everyone looked
at him and giggled as they passed. Now wonder he never talked to anyone,
they are all morons every last one of them. They have no clue as to what
was going on in the world around them. They didn't have to know about the
rest of the world, they were in high school. A miny twisted world and
George was stuck in it to.
His classmates weren't the things against him. Georges enemy was the
world. Quietly George left the building and went home. He went to the back
of his property and got the shotgun that was propped up against the
outhouse.
(daddy used it to shoot at the niggers that wandered on the property)
With a huge smile on his face he walked back to the school and went
to his seventh hour class. When he entered the room everyone looked in his
direction and they were terrified at the sight of the shotgun. They had all
heard of stories like this. The school dork finally getting his revenge.
Almost giggling to himself George lifted the shotgun and fired. With a
crack the globe busted into pieces. George then ran over to the maps
hanging above the chalkboard and burned them.
George told the class about his origins from Goolfsnore and how he so
hated the world. It was his only true enemy. Then horse shit oozed from
his mouth and he muttered the phrase, "I hate manure."
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- Juicy the milking lamb
%*+- c/o Handle
Do you want to die? If you answered yes to this question then you
don't deserve to live. You should just shoot yourself in the hea... oh wait
a second. Sorry.
A minute ago I was thinking and I thought being a stuntdouble is
probably pretty degrading. Always standing in for the actors because no one
would want the pretty actors to get hurt would they? Nobody cares if your
to get charred or something after all your just a lowly stuntdouble. So
basically stuntdoubles are people who like to do thrilling things and
actors are people who like to take credit for other peoples actions. If I
were a stuntdouble I would probably kill someone. Yeah, I'd definetly kill
someone.
I think Tom & Jerry is the funniest cartoon ever made. Jerry was
always running Tom into walls and stuff. The show was hilarious.
I bet Tom had a stuntdouble. After all he was always getting blown
up or flattened and in the next scene he'd be just fine. I wonder how many
stuntdoubles died just to keep up Tom's badboy image. Bastards. Of course
Jerry didn't need a stuntdouble because he never got hurt.
Me and a couple of my friends are going to start a public access show
called "The Soul Truck". We will open the show in the back of a truck and
we'll be playing instruments like a washboard, a banjo, a jug, an armpit,
and someone will have to do the hambone. The truck will probably be in the
middle of a cornfield. We might even have some skits. I just thought I'd
tell you because we won't have any stuntdoubles.
I'm not gay.
Did you ever wonder if Tom & Jerry were gay together? Of course you
didn't, they hated each other. Why would you think they were gay together?
I really liked the Scooby Doo's when Scooby's cousin Scooby Dum would come
to visit. He was funny. He had buck teeth and was inbred, just like me.
I'm handle. The other day I was on irc. Boy I bet you were
surprised. That is if you know who I am and everything. Then again you
probably don't so you weren't that surprised.
I'm running out of things to say so I'll go now bye bye.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
I'd like to think of myself as a supernatural being. - handle
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
%*+- Vengeance: I of III
%*+- Handle
Silently sleeping on a dirty mattres the man known only as Handle is
suddenly awoken by the startling sound of shattering glass. Looking around
the dank dirty apartment with morning eyes he tries to focus in on the
blurry figure standing before him.
For a moment he almost doesn't believe his eyes then he lets out a
faint yelp.
"Cerkit?"
"Yeah it's me get up. Now!"
"How'd you get out?"
"I broke out now get up."
Lazily slumping out of his sleeping place Handle walks over to the
sink and splashes a handfull of cold water over his face. Feeling somewhat
refreshed he sits at the lone table of the apartment.
"So what's up?"
"About a month ago I had a visitor in the joint. One of the Gambini
boys."
"What the hell did he want?"
"Apparently Gambini still holds a grudge, he knows where we all are
and he wants us dead."
"Then why are you still here?"
"Because he had an ultimatum. In order for us to keep on living we
have to pull another score from him."
"I ain't in to that shit anymore. You know that after you got busted
we all disapeared off the face of the planet."
"Well apparently you didn't disappear well enough because when I
broke out Gambini told me where you all were. That's how I found this
place, now if we don't do this were all dead. I'm not asking you I'm
telling you. Were going to do this for him."
"Why don't we just disappear again?"
"Were being watched right now. The minute we scew off path were all
dead. He wants us to take out a bank and we have exactly two weeks. Now
lets go get a cup of coffee to help with that hangover you're obviously
fighting."
Putting on a jacket Handle and Cerkit walk down the street to a small
diner down at the corner. Sitting down in a back booth the two look around
and spot a man come in and sit at the counter.
"That one of the guys?"
"Yep that's definetly one of Gambini's guys."
"So this bank is it a big payoff?"
"If we pull through we get 20% to split between us. That should be
about two million a piece."
"You don't hold a grudge about getting busted do you?"
"No getting caught was my fault and I kick myself for it everyday
of my life."
"It's not your fault, we could never have known what was going to
happen. There was absolutely no way."
Looking down in the swirling brown of his cup of coffee Handle
remembers the last time he saw the man sitting across from him. Ten years
ago him and the boys were robbing banks here and there for some big gangster
named Gambini. We were rich but they were also greedy. We knew that
what they were doing wasn't real work and they liked that, but we always
wanted more.
Then the big job came, it was a national bank and the score was way
up in the millions. We mutually agreed that we were going to forget about
Gambini and split the score up. After we got the money we were all to
go our seperate ways.
Everything was going cool until we stepped out of the bank, their
was cops everywhere. Later we learned that Gambini had heard of our plans
and called them himself. I remember looking around and seeing everything in
a blur and then I heard the sound of gun fire. I remember people were
running everywhere so I started to run to. Then finally I realized what was
happening and I regained my cool. Looking around I ran after my comrades
and started firing at the cops.
Reaching the corner I remembered the backup car in the back of the
building. It was to be torched by radio control if it wasn't used. Then
just as we were turning the corner I saw a spurt of blood fly forth from
Cerkits shoulder. Leaning to one side I then heard something wizz past me
and strike him in the back of the leg. Instantly he hit the pavement and I
ran past him. Looking back one last time as I turned the corner I saw him
on the floor pleading for us to come back. Of course we couldn't or we
would all share his fate. That was the last time I had seen any of the old
gang.
Looking up from his coffee Handle looks into the eyes of Cerkit and
decides that he would have to go along with the plan. He realized that even
though he has just been a sloppy drunk for the last ten years that he wasn't
ready to die.
"So who are we picking up first?"
"Mercuri, apparently he's in San Francisco somewhere."
After finishing their cups of coffee the duo go back to Handle's
apartment so he can collect the things that he needs. After about fifteen
minutes they leave and head for the airport. They purchase tickets and go
to the terminal to wait for the their flight out to San Francisco.
After a four hour plane ride they arrive in the coast city and hail a
cab to the nearest motel. Paying the cabbie they get out and step into the
main office of the small motel. Reaching the counter Handle asks the man
for a room.
"I can put you two up in the honeymoon suite but that's about it."
"You don't have anything else?"
"Nope honeymoon suites it, and that'll be two-fifty a night."
"Ok, I guess we'll have to take it."
Getting the key Handle and Cerkit walk around to the back of the
building and walk into their room. Turning on the lights the first things
that hit them is the tremendous stench and the jizz stains on the carpet.
The second thing that hits them is the fist of the man that was hiding in
the room. After getting up Handle and Cerkit simultaneously ask the man who
he is.
"I'm one of Gambini's boys, he told me to give you a message."
"And what's that?"
"This."
With this the man strikes Cerkit over the head with a wooden mallot
and kicks Handle in the groin. Then after they stop their high pitched
screaming the man continues to speak.
"In this envelope is five grand, if you need any more money to pull
the score then you'll have to get it yourself. And boy's hurry up the
clock's ticking, I suggest you get in Boston by tomorrow."
"Were not stupid you know bubba." (Bubba kicks Handle in the teeth)
"I mean thanks for the tip."
With this the large man leaves and Cerkit and Handle decide to go to
bed. Quickly they disrobe and crawl into the heart shaped waterbed. Seeing
that they both want to sleep in the bed they argue.
"Hey punk, the beds mine."
"I was here first."
"But I had to spend the past ten years in jail."
"Wait a second, this beds soaking wet, disgusting!"
Quickly they both jump out of the bed and sleep on the floor, for
they have a long day ahead of them tomorrow.
Waking up the next morning they get showers and then head out for
breakfast. After getting they're food they decide that the best place to
start looking for Mercuri would be to look in the phonebook under his alias
Jason Wilson. After paying the check they walk out to the payphone in
the parking lot. Looking into the phonebook Handle finds the name that they
were looking for. He gave out a yelp of triumph and then noted that there
was only one Jason Wilson listed. Weird. Quickly Cerkit dials up the
number and the duo crosses they're sixteen fingers. Of course there was
only sixteen because Handle is inbred.
After six rings the phone is picked up but unfortunately it's just
the answering machine. The message read as follows... "Moonbeam if that's
you just come to the park, I already left."
Cerkit and Handle are bewildered at this strange message but at the
same time they are relived because the voice in the recording was definetly
Mercuri's. Looking around to make sure no one is watching they smoothly
hotwire the Volvo parked next to the booth and begin to drive towards the
park.
Once they reach the park Cerkit and Handle get out of the car and
begin to walk through the beautiful fields of gently rolling hills. But
then they stop in their tracks and both sets of eyes widen. Never in their
lives did they think they'd see this.
To Be Continued...
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
Potato Salad
1/4 c. apple cider vinegar 1 Tbsp. celery seed
1/2 c. cooking oil Salt and Pepper to taste
1 medium onion, chopped 6 medium cooked, chopped
1 large cucumber, diced potatoes
Combine first six ingredients and add to potatoes.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
\o/ - We will rule!
|
______/'\______
/ \
/ \
______________________/ \______________________
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
| (\ /) (\ /) (\ /) (\ /) |
| \~~~~~~~~~~/ \~~~~~~~~~~/ \~~~~~~~~~~/ \~~~~~~~~~~/ |
| [ 'o o' ] [ 'o o' ] [ 'o o' ] [ 'o o' ] |
| \ / \ / \ / \ / |
| | | | | | | | | |
| \ / \ / \ / \ / |
| | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | |
__| {00} {00} {00} {00} |___
__________ ___________ ______ ______ _________ ______ ___________
[ __ __ ] \ _______ | \ / \ / \ _ ) \ / \ ______ |
[/ | | \] | | \| | \ / | | |_) ) | | | | \|
| | | |______/| | \ \/ / | | -----) | | | |______/|
| | | ______ | | | \/ | | | | | | | ______ |
| | | | \| | | | | | | | | | | \|
| | | |______/| | | | | | | | |______ | |______/|
/____\ /__________| /____\ /____\ /____\ \________/ /_________|
_______________ ______________ ____________ _____ _____ ___________
\ ____ / \ ________ | [ __ __ ] \ / \ / \ ______ |
| / \ | | | \| [/ | | \] | | | | | | \|
| | | | | |_____/| | | | |__| | | |______/|
| | | | | _____ | | | | __ | | ______ |
| | | | | | \| | | | | | | | | \|
| \____/ | | | | | | | | | | |______/|
/____________\ /____\ /____\ /____\ /____\ /_________|
__ ___ ___ _____ _____ _ _ ___ _____ _ __ __
| / _ \ / _ \ / _ \ | _ \ | | | | / _ \ / _ \ | |/ / |
| | |_| | | |_| | | |_| / | | | | | | | | | |_| | | |_| / | | / |
| | _ | | _ | | _ \ | | | | | | | | | _ | | _ \ | \ |
| | | | | | | | | | | \ \ | |_| | \ \/ / | | | | | | \ \ | |\ \ |
| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| \_||_____/ \__/ |_| |_| |_| \_||_| \_| |
| |
|_____________ ________________ _____________| | |
| / \ |
| / \ |
| / \ |
| | 00000 zzzzz | |
| | 0 0 z | |
| | 0 0 z | |
__________| | 0 0 z | |__________
/ | 00000 zzzzz | \
/ | | \
/ | | \
/ | | \
| | | |
|_______________________|__________________________|_______________________|
Come and worship us freely. Opening in the fall of 97'
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
Hey you, yeah.. you, the artphag(tm)! Do you have ACiD indigestion?
iCE in your sheets? CiA after you? Well it's time to conform, zines are
the future. Colored blocks are the past, wake up and smell our dung, the
dung of a truly RAD generation.
Our future's so bright... we gotta wear shades.
Why aren't you a distro site yet? All you have to do is fill out
rad-dist.ro and send it to jwapienn@pla-net.net, or find me in #zines or
#rad on irc. It's free advertising, i mean I could just go off and mention
someone's bbs right in the middle of RAD like luptin's bbs; daydream nation
in new jeresy @ 609-890-3955.
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
rad @ ftp.prism.net /pub/text/rad
@ ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/rad
corrrresponance @ mercuri@prism.net
@ #rad, #zines (ef-net only, you stupid hippy.)
@ http://www.prism.net/rad/ (soon!)
@ http://www.pla-net.net/~jwapienn/zineworld/
%+- [==================================================================] -+%
"be excellent to each other & party on." - bill & ted's excellent adventure (handle made me add this, that moron, so i hid it. feel very VERY special if you find this, you fat communist hippy.)
