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Radioactive Aardvark Dung Issue 04
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radioactive aardvark dung * issue number four * released april 02 1996
without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, UCC 1-207
raD mega'zine whq is -- erebus - sysop: hooch @ 201-762-1373
raD, australian for beer
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"you can't do that on radioactive aardvark dung!"
introduction by - handle
Hey muchachos, Handle here welcoming you back for your fourth helping
of Radioactive Aardvark Dung. mercuri actually letting me write the intro
for this issue has risen a question. How do I know he doesn't edit the
finished copy of raD that he gives me and replaces my name with his? He
could be taking credit for everything I do. Keeping this in mind I would
like to use the rest of this paragraph to give him angst while stabbing me
in the back. HANDLE is writing this in case you didn't know. Yes HANDLE,
you know HANDLE, that guy who writes for raD. HANDLE. The word HANDLE is
probably getting old now huh merc. Replacing HANDLE with mercuri sure must
suck, huh? HANDLE. Replacing all of those HANDLES with mercuri's. HANDLE
HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE HANDLE
Ok, now that that's over with let's get down to other issues. I've
been quite worried about raD as of late, for a while it seemed as if it was
going to die. mercuri wasn't writing and I was to wrapped up in my
experiments to worry about raD. But in all actuality my experiments are the
things that have eased my worries. For I have calculated the precise amount
of gigawatts needed to power a flux time capacitar. Using this knowledge I
traveled to the future to find that not only does raD not die but we become
a world power. Unfortunatly, I also saw raD's demise and how it comes
about. But that's good for you, because I brought back a piece of the last
issue of raD and you can read it now...
[-------]
As you probably know after over 15 years of rad kookiness this is the
final issue. Ending raD was pretty much a mutual agreement between the
regular writers the only one we had to convince was mercuri, but after a fit
of kicking and screaming he agreed. And after a while he agreed that it to
was for the best. I figure I owe you all an explanation as to why I can no
longer write for raD.
It all started about a month ago when our band also entitled rad
stated that we were bigger than that smash hit sitcom, "Sister Sister". The
public burnings of our albums naturally brought down the sales of our movies
and eventually Aardvark Industries went bankrupt. At first we were going to
keep the 'zine going under a seperate corporation because it cost nothing to
run. But after a while it became clear that our livelyhood was taken away.
I'm sure everyone else has there own reasons for quitting raD, but overall I
think that it just doesn't seem right anymore.
At first it all started out with this 'zine and eventually that grew
into our band creating the infamous Aardvarkmania. At that point I felt
that I was at my creative peak. After a while though it just didn't fulfill
me doing the band thing, so we started making the movies. Doing the 'zine,
the band, and the movies was all very fun to do, plus directing all of our
videos was a plus for me. Looking back I can now see that the end was just
an inevitability, I don't want to get into the drug use or the arrests,
because we've all had to talk about that way to much before. And of course,
mine and mercuri's suicide attempts were hard to get through for us all. Not
that it's all bad memories though, I have many fond memories of this whole
fiasco, the duets album with the Chipmunks was definetly fun, and the times
in India were the most peaceful and spiritual that I've ever had. Overall,
I feel plivaleged to have led this sort of life. It's a thrill that not
many people get to experience.
I remember the day that our first album debuted at number one, we all
agreed that no matter what we would stop when it wasn't fun anymore. And
even though we can still put out this 'zine, I just don't feel that it gives
me the thrill that it used to. Besides, after the arrests in Miami, the
police psychiatrist cured me of the many voices and people that quarreled in
my head. The creative juices just haven't been flowing as often since then.
Now, I think I'll just get an office job, and a wife and two kids. You know
I've never really got that 2.5 kids thing, how the hell do you get half a
kid? Across America in numerous houses are there kids without legs locked
down in basements living on small rodents?
Anyway I think that raD just wouldn't be the same if we continued, my
apologies to our cult located in Kentucky, I know this will hurt them more
than anyone. But I still don't feel that we should be worshipped, we were
just a 'zine. mercuri thought up the name and said "want to join me 'zine?"
and then Puck joined and then Joltcola joined. We were just a 'zine that
made it very, very big.
The thing that I like most about raD is that no matter what anybody
said, we did it our way. We were ridiculed and laughed at but soon everyone
realized that we were so far above them that they couldn't begin to
understand us or our ways. Our first trip to the moon was a crowning moment
in my life, plus the millions upon millions of dollars that we made through
Aardvark Industries was great. At one point I could have gotten anything I
wanted, and I did.
I remember when we started this, I was living out on the beach on the
west coast, spending my days surfing and writing for raD on my laptop. Those
were the days, not a care in the world I was just living. Then the gates of
hell opened up and all of the demons spewed forth. It's a good thing raD
was here to stop the swallowing of the world into the depths of Hades. We
sure did gain a lot of popularity after we saved the world. And when we
single handedly stopped the destruction of the rain forests, and reversed
O-Zone depletion.
It's really a shame that my marriage with Jenifer Aniston didn't
last, but she really wasn't pretty enough for me. Oh yeah, sure it was fun
while it lasted but all of you have come to rely on me every time something
bad happens and I'm really just sick and tired of taking responsibility for
everyone elses problems. I am sick of all you and I am sick of raD, all of
the media rats turning my life into a circus, your all scum. I want to take
this opportunity to say none of their stories are true. Sure, I sleep in an
oxygen tank but who doesn't these days?
It seems I can no longer take a shit without someone snapping a
candid photo of it. Why the hell are you all so fascinated with me? Damn
you all, damn you! Your the source of all my problems! Get out of my head!
You bloody bastards, what gives you the right to adopt my life and turn me
into a lark? I hate all of you and your little dogs to! Just shutup and
leave me alone!
[-------]
Interesting note, all futurian's have little dogs.
... wow I don't get too paranoid huh? What was all that crap about
the vortex of Hell? Well, before I came back I poked around a bit to find
out the whole story. Apparently I become a sloppy drunk and self destruct
taking Aardvark industries down with me. Then we get arrested and really
hit bottom. This is how it goes, we were doing a raD Ralley in Miami about
13 years from now I show up late, drunk, and pissed. During the ralley
chaos ensumes and in the end I get arrested for indecent exposure and
simulating oral copulation. Then going further into the future I see that
mercuri is shot in New York about a week after we end raD. Well anyways no
reason to worry were back in the writing groove, were in the zone baby! And
now that I've seen our end, it's never going to happen, the print I brought
back from the future is disapearing as I speak. We will never die!
[-------]
Now I would like to take this opportunity to state how much we here
at raD love peace and how we think that everyone should join hands and sing
songs.
( Wow, either I'm off my rocker, or this must just be the introduction to
the opposites! )
Dude man I'm so sick of all the little poser punks at my school
listening to alternative music and worshipping Kurt Cobain. Those fags don't
even know what Nirvana or true angst is about.
Damn glad that's over, I don't know (slime) what I was thinking when
I wrote that. I sure could use some water (splash) to clean off this slime.
Damnit!!! There is one thing I am certain of though there is definetly road
kill in these burgers.
"I heard that!" - Barf
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in this issue of raD we are going to scratch the surface of the
following topics; johnny & his kitty, funeral directors, epileptic palsied
retards, the man and his oppresion, timmy, lassie, swinging torso's, tang,
inbreeding, squirrels, the origins of communism's, mercuri's hippy rant,
mad cow disease, dogs, simulation of oral copulation, kitty's, little
colored dots, brave odysseus, the dukes of hazard, handle's incest guide,
you can't do that on television, raD's future, and much, much more!
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"timmy flips out"
submitted by - mercuri
"Laaaaassie! Oh... Laaasssssie!" timmy's father yelled, but the dog
didn't come. He took the truck that morning and went out to look for the
collie, but he was no where in sight.
( screen fades, begin school room setting. )
"Now class, let's sing a so..."
"Timmy! You're late! You smell like smoke, what'd lassie do this
time? Save someone from drowning? I know, he saved a squirrel from a
burning fire! What? Tell us, we're waiting!"
"Can't you see? Are you _blind_? I've been smoking!"
"Hahaha.. Yeah right, the farmer's boy. Smoking. Sure Timmy."
"I'm sick of living in that damn dog's shadow! Every where I go,
it's 'hey timmy, who'd your dog save today?' or, 'hey timmy, tell lassie I
said hi' or, 'hey timmy, the city of chicago is on fire, call lassie!' I'm
just sick of ALL of it!"
( the rest of the day goes without incident, timmy goes home and )
( looks in the mirror. )
<timmy puts on those glasses with a nose and a mustache>
"It's the new Timmy Martin. Wait till the kids at school see this,
I will be so popular. No more, 'Lassie, Lassie, Lassie'."
( next day; school room setting )
"Hahahaha.... Timmy. Take those silly glasses off! Put on this dog
nose!"
<Timmy puts on dog nose>
"Hahaha! He looks _exactly_ like Lassie!"
"I WHAT?? SHUTUP! ALL OF YOU! LASSIE LASSIE LASSIE! I'm damn
tired of living that dog's shadow!"
"Quit calling Lassie a _mere_ dog. You Loser."
( the school day comes to a close, the teacher is saying goodbye )
"Okay class, see you Tommorow. Hope to see all of you at
'LassieFest' Tonight! Free beer!"
<Timmy goes home, Timmy plots wicked revenge>
Timmy goes to church, he see's the local wierdo at the Church. The
wierdo comes, he points out his daughter is in the Chruch Choir, and how his
Son screwed him over one Christmas. Things started getting wierd. The
Bells chimed, it was 10:00, time to go home and pull out the map.
<Timmy pulls out map>
"Silly sons-a-bitches." Timmy says in his dainty voice.
"They don't realize how _easy_ they've made it for me. Muhahaha...
If I put the dynamite here...."
( screen fades to black )
Timmy slips out his window, doing this without being noticed by
Lassie is a feat in itself, Timmy becomes proud. Now he get's careless and
sloppy. Timmy lays a ladder against the side of the school building, scales
up the side, and begins to litter the roof with dynamite.
"'Lassie Lassie Lassie!' 'Lassie Lassie Lassie!' 'Lassie Lassie
Lassie!' 'Lassie Lassie Lassie!' 'Lassie Lassie Lassie!' 'Lassie Lassie
Lassie!'" Timmy repeats in an insane manner.
Just as Timmy sets the last stick in place, he hears something.
"ARF! ARF! ... ARF! ARF! ARF! .. BOW WOW! BOW WOW WOW WOW!"
"AaAAAAaaaaAAAhHHH!@#$!@#! Lassie! You came! I should have known!"
Timmy stands at the edge of the roof, spreads his arm, and lets
himself fall to the ground. But can Timmy commit suicide? Noooo... Guess
who pulls out a mattress from the barn at the last minute!? Lassie!
Timmy is gracefully saved by Lassie's efforts. Lassie realizes what
Timmy has done and begins to gnaw off his legs. Savagley attacking Timmy,
Timmy begins to cry and call for Lassie... but wait.. isn't Lassie gnawing
off his legs? YEP. Timmy was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
( enter mr. martin's truck. timmy's dad. )
"What is it girl? What'd Timmy do this time?"
"ARF! ARF! BOW WOW! ARF BOW ARF ARF BOW!"
"Timmy! How could you do such a thing?!"
( enter lynch mob behind mr. martin, with torches and ropes. )
"String 'em up!"
"Hang the killer!"
They lynch mob totes away Timmy's upper torso. They get to the town
square where a rope is put around his neck, and asked if he has "any last
wishes..."
"Any last wishes, 'boy who used to be Lassie's owner'?"
"It's TIMMY! The name's TIMMY! And, could I have a glass of milk?"
"sure. here you go."
Timmy begins to drink the milk until he realizes he was the ass of a
horrible joke... the milk dribbles down his chin, onto his new shirt."
Someone in the crowd yells.. "Hahaha! Dribble-glass! A classic!
Lassie would _never_ fall for that one! Loser!"
The chairs thunders out from below Timmy. There Timmy is, Just a
torso... just swingin' in the breeze.
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"answering all your fucking problems"
submitted by - incest-king; handle
Well now here how's it going? One of the most suprising things that
I have seen since I joined the flock over here at raD is the people who have
been writing in to us... of course we get the typical, "Please Handle heal
my children," bit but most of it is actually morons out there who can't
think for themselves, so they come to us. Well, being the clever guy that I
am I have compiled some of the more... how should I put it? Entertaining
ones, and I intend to fully answer their questions
[--------]
Letter:
Dear Handle, have my baby.
Signed,
Girl with big tits
Response:
Okay, I admit I made that one up.
[--------]
Letter:
Dear raD people,
My boyfriend has been pressuring me into having sex and I just don't
know what I should do, my mother has told me that pre-marital sex is wrong
yet I don't know. Whenever she catches me messing around with the dog she
doesn't mind. What should I do?
Signed,
Sexless in Siberia
Response:
Well, you certainly do have a little problem on your hands don't you?
In my personal opinion your mother is right, sex with household pets is one
thing, but with your boyfriend? I'm sure your a scuzzy hippy and the kind
of guys you attract must have some strange diseases. Let your problem
consume you, then put a gun to your head and pull the trigger. If you
really need to ask me advice about sex you should just end it right now.
- handle
[--------]
Letter:
Dear raD people,
I am 16 years old and in high school, lately I have been having some
dirty thoughts about my sister who has just turned 13. I find myself
camping out in the bathroom and waiting for her to come in and take off her
clothes. The other night at 2:00 AM I snuck into her bed and began to slide
my fingers up and down her smooth buttocks. Waking up, she went into a fit
and busted me over the head with a baseball bat. How can I win her over
into doing the nasty with me?
Signed,
Boisterous in Boise
** editor's note: "i was against this." - mercuri
Response:
Well, Boisterous, I can see that you are truly infatuated with your
sister and coming from Indiana I can respect that. Now, in my personal
experience sexing up a sister is a delicate procedure that should be taken
very slowly. First make her feel gilty about what she did to you, then in
her moment of weakness shoot her full of sedatives and have yourself a
great night.
- your friend (wink,wink) handle
** editor's note: <shudder> - mercuri
[--------]
Letter:
Dear raD people,
For the past few months these damn squirrels have been taking up
residence in my bedroom. Now, I've tried all of the conventional methods to
get rid of the little varmints, but they just keep on coming back. I've
tried gassin' um, and I've beat um to death with rusty shovels, but it seems
whenever I kill one, four take it's place. I surely don't know what to do.
Signed,
Tenatious in Tennesse
Response:
Well Tenatious, squirels are surely a very important problem but the
fact remains squirrels can _not_ be killed. Leave, leave right away, and
don't take time to pack. Most importantly do _not_ tell the squirrels that
your leaving, and for God sakes don't kiss them goodbye. Do you have a
sister? Sex with your sister is always a good way to calm the nerves.
- handle
[--------]
Letter:
Dear raD people,
For the past few months I have been spending all of my time
cutting down trees. At first, it started as a simple past time but it has
evolved into a first rate obsession. All I can think about is... TIMBER!!!! Oh,
Sorry, I lost my train of thought there for a second, I need help!
Signed,
Sawing in Sicily
Response:
I suggest digging.
- handle
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"monthly horoscopes"
submitted by - voodoo magic mercuri
ARIES - March 21 / April 19
A loved one will betray, in your heart you will want to forgive him.
However his intent is to ruin you, you must kill him and confess to the
police. Don't worry, justice is on your side!
Taurus - April 20 / May 20
This is the week where rice plays a major role in the development of your
inner spiritual being. Tonight: Relax with a loved one, but don't forget
to wear black tube socks.
Gemini - May 21 / June 20
Remeber all those cats you beat up in your childhood? Well, one word:
hide. Their spirits are _mad_! Repent for your sins this week, possibly
take a vow of silence. And whatever you do, DO NOT WEAR BLACK TUBE SOCKS.
Cancer - June 21 / July 22
Get your hair cut this week, for once it's going to look half way decent and
co-workers won't make fun of your dopey ass behind your back. Tonight:
Use some chlorine on that old underwear.
Leo - July 23 / August 22
Quit your job and move to russia. When you get there you will meet up with
a man by the name of Chester at the American embassy, he looks sort of
shady. But he works for us. He will furnish you with all the weapons you
will need. Oh, check under your bed, their should be a suitcase full of
money and a sheet of paper with more specific instructions. Tonight: Use
the utencil in the suitcase to pull out the communist tracking device in
your head, hide it in a mars bar, and feed it to rats.
Virgo - August 23 / September 22
Join the Marines. You're lucky colors are red white and blue! Let your
patriotic side show! Tonight: Sacrafice yourself in the name of all that
holy.
Libra - Septermber 23 / October 22
Sex with your sister. Tonight: See sentence #1.
Scorpio - October 23 / November 21
It's time you earned that Marlboro jacket you've had your eye on. Smoke
to your hearts content this week! What doctor's say about cigarette's is
not true, in fact, it is caused by Captain Crunch fibers. Tonight: SMOKE!
Your luck numbers are: 3,1,3,3,7
Sagittarius - November 22 / December 21
As soon as you get done reading this, pave over your garden. Draw a big
circle in red chalk on it, and sleep naked in the middle tonight. Tomorrow
you will be free from communists harm.
Capricorn - December 22 / January 19
Express your true love for Adolf Hitler, do so publicly. If you present it
well, people will only respect you more. Tonight: Vote Buchanan!
Aquarius - January 20 / February 18
The planets present strong distress in your life for the next month. DO NOT
EAT ALPHABET SOUP. And for god sakes don't spell aboriginy with it.
Tonight: Stay away from the pagans that practice behind your house.
Pisces - February 19 / March 20
Watch "The People's Court" rerun's while sitting in your favorite chair
naked. Tonight: Eat Scooby Snacks(tm).
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"history of tang"
submitted by - k0de
Oct. 12, 1970:
A stunning new chemist named Franklin at NASA, trying to make LSD, comes
upon a new substance, an orange powder. At first the lad smoked it.
It just tasted really bad. So then he rolled up his pocket protector
and snorted it. No cards. In a last ditch effort, he made a solution of
water and powder and found that it tasted damn good.
Oct. 13, 1970:
Franklin introduced this new drink to his superior, Colonel Wiggins, and
the guy loved it and gave him a raise and a shiny new car.
Mar. 20, 1973:
A board of 13 members at NASA decide to make this the official drink
of the space missions. Franklin is heralded as a national hero and gets
all the chicks now. It is named "TANG" for Totally Awesome New Guzzle.
( This is where the walls of society as we knew it crumble )
June 4, 1975:
TANG is all the rave of the underground culture. People are paying huge
amounts of money for the stuff. 133 known fatalities took place that
year in TANG related incidents.
Dec 1975:
A nationwide urine test revealed that TANG was present in the bodies
of some 97% of people under 21. In a last ditch effort, Carter and the
government ban TANG nationwide.
Sept. 27, 1976:
A man is stopped at the gates of NASA with a small baggie containing an
orange powder. Drug analists found nothing.
Oct. 15. 1976:
A piece of luggage containing large amounts of that same orange powdery
substance is apprehended at LAX from a passenger inbound from Colombia.
Jan. 20, 1976:
X-rays showed that a dog coming in to Ney York International Airport had
32 pounds of tang in sandwich bags in his lower intestine.
Aug 1977:
A nationwide protest takes place with people chanting "Legalize it" and all
kinds of other stuff.
Dec. 12, 1977:
TANG is again legalized and back on the market. Sales skyrocket.
A new tang, TANG 77 is released.
( Closing thoughts )
Coincidence or new drug of choice? Sure TANG _used_ to be available in any
grocery store in America but for some reason I cant find TANG anywhere
these days. I remember sitting at home watching He-Man and drinking a tall
glass of TANG. Damn that stuff was good. So... if you agree and want TANG
back talk to the head of your local grocery store. Now we have cheesy rip-
offs like a certain "Sunny Delight."
( The future of TANG )
The future of TANG looks cloudy. Will TANG come back to us? Will it be the
same? It's all up to yoooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
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"epileptic palsied retards rebel against the man & his oppression; part I"
submitted by - mercuri
uhhnnnnnGisjSDkjWER!@#K@$
<retard gets up and falls to the floor>
SAdjmwneU!@#dMASNdAJ@$#!@!$E!@#E!$E#@!$*!
<nurse wipes drool from mouth>
UhMSdm!@####$@
He tries and fails to pick up a baseball bat, it just sits there in
his hand... what a time for an epileptic fit!
eye-e-eye-e-eye-eye-e@!#$#@!$!@
<CRACK! CRACK!>
<spit and blood flies everywhere>
THE END?
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"talkin' bout my generation"
submitted - shooby-doo-wah, handle
I would like to take this opportunity to betray my entire generation
and officially seperate myself from them in every way. Your all just a
bunch of hippy wannabe morons, and you will fall before me. Get this in
your head, you will all be ground to dust beneath my heel. It doesn't
matter what you do because in the future you will all answer to me. Get it
straight, your all just shrinky-dinks in my oven. Stop trying to rebel
against society, because society is what feeds you, clothes you, and
protects you from those damn communist's bombs. Rebelling is a joke and
*you're* the punchline. Just a little hint for your future. Sell out.
Sacrifice your dignity at every chance possible, because people who sell out
can buy things. If you *dye* your hair stupid colors, I think you should
*die* you stupid hippy. You look like a moron.
"I hear if you burn a tire and breath the smoke..."
Breath oxygen not toxic smoke, moron.
Look at yourself, all these damn cigarettes and joints accomplish
nothing but making you stink. That's right you SMELL. Actually I don't
mind smoking as long as you don't do it around me. If your too stupid to
realize that your killing yourself then you should die. All of you fuck-ups
have made todays America a joke. Look at the world, there laughing at us.
In today's society homosexuality is accepted, and I think that's really gay.
Put down that carrot stick and eat a cheeseburger because murder is
deee-licious. Stupid hippy. If your thinking of suicide, do it! We don't
need you. Now I'd like to take a moment to write a song about my favorite
mineral, niacin.
Niacin, Niacin the good mineral,
Niacin, Niacin I love you so.
BURN THE HIPPIES!!!
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"rave reviews!"
captured by - mercuri
*hB_* your mags blow
*_exOdus_* your zine is shit...when i read it i here shit falling...
it's always nice to prove that the idiots don't like raD. makes me
feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
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"ode to the dukes of hazard"
submitted by - handle
Man do I love the Dukes of Hazard. I think that part of it is
because I actually used to live in Hazard county. Let me tell you ducking
behind trees in a big orange car isn't half as easy as it looks. Think
about it, the last time you were involved in a high speed chase with the law
did you get away? I think that part of the reason the cops never noticed
the big orange car behind the tree is that they were all inbred.
Trust me I would know this because I come from a long line of
inbreeding, it all started when my great-great grandmother fell in love with
her father. (really she didn't have any choice because she was beaten and
raped.) The result of their sexual contact was a son.
Fifty miles away in an indian village a dirty Mexican and a drunk
chief have the first homosexual contact. A mad scientist from the future
combines their genes and a little girl is born in a crude test tube. That
girl and the small boy from the previous paragraph have mad passionate
monkey sex that results in the birth of fifteen puppies. These puppies all
mate together, but two particular ones have a son and a daughter. As you
probably guessed these two mate, and have a daughter. Then this very
daughters parents get in a fight and her mom is killed. So she does the
only logical thing she can think of, she has sex with her father. They in
turn, have a son. Upon learning that his mother and his sister are the same
person this son goes crazy and has sex with a zoo monkey. They in turn have
a son who later changes his name to 'handle'.
For the first time in generations this immediate family breaks apart
from the rest and moves to Indiana. The boy lives a great and nurishing
life working out in the fields, until he is corrupted by the outside world
and goes on a rampage that ends the life of fifteen hundred communists.
Then the boy is shot down by his own government. The boys parents then die
and the family is no more.
Man do I hope I can live up to my destiny.
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"wolf raised by boy"
submitted by - handle
It was a cold day in Hell. Just outside of Hell, Norway a pack of
wolves gathered around the carcass of a dead animal. In just hours a giant
snowstorm would scatter the pack, leaving one brave little cub in the wild
to fend for himself. This is his story.
Shivering next to a giant evergreen, a little wolf cub awaits the
bitter cold to steal away his cute little wolf life.
Cue little Heindrick Scheister and his family driving down the
second rate road in their '79 station wagon. Cue the station wagon breaking
down conveniently parallel to the location of the dying cub.
Getting out of the car Heindrick's dad gets out to look at the hood
and hears a sniveling down by the tree. (If you hadn't guessed it was the
cub that he heard.) Scooping up the little cub in his arms, Heindrick's dad
gets back in the station wagon and realizes that it didn't break down, but
in all actuality, he had turned off the engine.
Waking up the next morning, the little wolf makes his way into the
kitchen where he hears people talking. The Scheister family had decided
that they were to name their new friend Bill. Picking Bill up, Mrs.
Scheister sits him in a chair at the table and gets him a bowl of cereal.
At first Bill is confused, but then he realizes that it's food so he begins
to lap it up. Smacking him on the snout, Mrs. Scheister gives him a spoon
and begins to lecture him about table manners. Bill feels dirty, this
behavior is not natural to him. Feeling cheap Bill leaves the room and goes
into the living room to sleep in front of the fire.
The meals persisted, two days later the spelling lessons started.
Bill was quickly giving in to the will of the Scheisters, and forgetting his
roots even quicker. In the next year, the Scheisters would teach Bill to
talk, and walk upright. Three years later he was enrolled in the local
school house.
*twenty-eight years later*
Startled, Joseph Stalin is jerked out of sleep, sweating profusely
he sees that his fuss has awakened his wife.
"Joseph, are you ok?"
"Yes, of course. Go back to bed Comrade."
He puts up a cool front, but in fact Joseph realizes that things are
most definetly not 'okay'. The dreams have been getting more vivid lately.
Wild, almost feral, visions of running through a forest, naked and in the
company of animals. Suddenly, men appear up over the hill with a blood red
horizon behind them. Thunder clasps from their fingertips and his
companions fall. Joseph's vision blurs with rage, lashing out he realizes
that he can't move, he is restrained on an operating table. Men poke and
prod at him turning him into a monster of their own creation.
Looking into the bathroom mirror, Joseph sees that his face has been
covered with hair again. Why must he shave so often? This is the common
scene in the Stalin household for the next few weeks. Joseph is forced to
look at himself, and his life. His childhood living with the Scheisters,
his strange anger towards them that ultimatly forces him to change his name
and move to Russia. Then finally, one night after one of his "episodes,"
Joseph decides to go out for a walk. Looking up into the night sky he see's
the round glowing of the full moon. And an uncontrollable feeling wells up
inside of him until he is finally forced to verbally expel it.
AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Looking down towards the ground, Joseph sees a hammer and a sickle
laying in his neighbors yard. And with this he is inspired, he now knows
how he is to get back at the human race for what they have done to him.
Damn Commies!
============================================================================
============================================================================
"geck0 gets back!"
captured by - mercuri
*geck0* JESUS CHRIST! You guys beat the shit outta me
*geck0* un-fucking-believable...
<mercuri> we meant it in the nicest way
*geck0* it was funny...
<mercuri> we planned that
*geck0* yeah...
*geck0* hmmm...
<mercuri> you should write more
*geck0* Yeah, fuck that...I just made a total ass outta myself.
<mercuri> hahahaha
*geck0* I was on some major drugs when I wrote that and submited it
*geck0* I con;t believe it...
*geck0* I'm off to go shoot myself...
<mercuri> jump!@#
<mercuri> don't shoot, jump!
*geck0* Nahh...Shooting yourself is more relaxig, theres no "AHHHH!"
involved.
<mercuri> no.. but you'll be dead... who cares? it will be over soon..
might as well have some fun.
*geck0* the only way to go if your commiting suicide is to run into your
school cafeteria and open fire, before truning the gun on yourself. I told
my friend to do that cuz he was thinking about sucicide, so I said "Fine
do it, but shoot the school first."
<mercuri> that would perpetuate a stereotype, and that would be bad.
*geck0* i'm seriously pissed off at myself, how could I write such shit...
FUCK!
*geck0* and then have the balls to actually turn it in and think it was
funny.
*geck0* I'm sorry
[-------]
There it is folks, he's sorry he sucks.
okay.. i finally have an outlet for all my poerty sk33lz.
god made the rivers
god made the lakes
god made geck0
oh well, we all make mistakes!
hawhaw.
more? jeepers creepers.
roses are red,
violets are blue,
geck0 is FUCKING ROCK STUPID
and so are you.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"george the funeral director"
submitted by - k0de
The town of Ravensville was a quiet, rural town. It had about 3,000
people living in it. In the center of town there was a small grocery store,
a bakery, a funeral parlor, and a gas station/car wash/hangout spot. There
was a high school and an elementary school/middle school. There was a
freshman at the high school named Tommy. Tommy was little and scrawny and
got pushed around a lot. They teased him about as much as George the
funeral director.
George was a short, plump, middle aged man. George was never seen
outside of the funeral parlor. Odd. The thing was, everyone in town was
scared of George. I mean c'mon.. who would like to dress naked dead bodies
and stuff all day and at night sleep with them?? So people would spray
paint stuff on the funeral parlor and they would make prank phone calls and
all that other stuff. Tommy felt George's pain. So for a speech assignment
in Tommy's 4th hour english class he decided to write a speech about George.
It was going to be moving, heartwarming and it would make people sorry that
they had treated George so mean when he could really be a nice guy. So,
Tommy talked about giving him a chance and letting him in on things and
yada yada...
It made the people think. They actually _were_ sorry that they had
been so mean. So people started to think and they realized that they should
include George and be nice to George. So they decided to invite him to the
town picnic that saturday. Saturday rolls around and everyone is having fun
at the picnic. Then the black hearse pulls in with loud gangsta rap
(only for added comic relief). George gets out and is actually wearing
jeans and a t-shirt, not the black tux he always wears. So people think
"wow... he really *is* normal." George didn't say anything and the people
just thought that was because he was new and knew nobody. The time came for
the food.
George said, "Oh.. I have plenty of food. Let me go back to the
hearse and get it." The people think to themselves "What a nice guy," and
"Awe... blah blah blah," George came back, but he doesn't have wieners and
buns, no no, he had an assault rifle. He shot everyone dead and then
laughed, then he ate the other food.
Moral: Don't trust funeral directors.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"wacky-ass fun wh0rd find!"
submitted by - mercuri
wh0rd find: "Print me out!@#@"
You: "Okay."
You: "Alt-F-P <enter>"
M A R S H A M A R S H A M A R S H A D G E S X A A Q E C S J D A W R X D X S
X X X I L I G Q E A S D D R Q W X C F G Y B J O M X L X E U E C T U C M U Q
M C O M M I E B A S T A R D W X C F G H J N C E T U I T E M C C E E F C X U
I W E E R C C S O D F W X R V Y I R Y S H R V H K N M K T P R Y E K K K E A
E A D U R M K S F O S X E X W R V H J P R B U O O B A C E I W S C G J R E R
S E T I B G O D S F B S D W E X G H U O T D X R C B B B R N D R S C E E C E
M E R C U R I I S A W S O R L D P O W R E R S X F E E E X G E R C R X E K S
Y O U R M O M I S D U M M X H S A R H T S C X E C W A W C I X W E X V G Y W
X R W D C J I P N C E X E C T B H U N I N R 0 0 L Z N S W G Q D V Y N H D Z
O W O W W E I H H P J T V J I R K O M F M B D R E C S E V A U R D S U B M S
P X I E S D H S D I R T Y H I P P Y S Q Z W Z B C E C G R W H D E H I B C H
X F N X C X 8 E X N X F L U X C A P I C A T O R S W W R C A R W X C T D W H
W G R V B C U X W K Q W X S E X C E T G U B I E X W X Q R T C S G J Y E W X
X S H G H V S E K O M S A W E C R V Y U N D N S D Y W E X T W Q Z Z E R A W
V C U H K N D A S F V Y N B W X W Q A D X C K S D C W R C S D S Q E X R C U
J X G J L M X E W C X T E N I L O P A M A R T S S X G D F W X R Y C B M C V
F O N Z A R E L L I W F V U M C W Q T N I O K C X F H S W R C X Z X F B H X
I Q I Y E M V E R V X S D F G H T U J B F X D W X Z E I Y R V C G J K B F E
Words To Find:
Commie Bastard Sportif Warez Marsha Marsha Marsha
Dirty Hippy Fonzarelli Boobs TRAMAPOLINE
Gecko NIN R00LZ Suck Zoinks
Pinko Thrash InGuh Supercalafragalisticexpiala-
Lima Beans Smokes Flux Capicator docious
Dogbites Squares Jumpin Gigawatts
============================================================================
============================================================================
"the wrath of the yum-yum tum-tum's IV: taking a bad joke way to far"
submitted by - handle
For what seemed like centuries Johnny had been in a state of limbo,
his only company was the two-bit god of the sea Poseidon. Poseidon had long
since gone mad and Johnny could hardly stand it any longer, but what was a
guy to do he no longer had a body. Johnny spent much of his time thinking
of his kitty. Johnny had not seen kitty in years, just thinking about it
made him furious. "Damn you bastards! Damn you all, all I ever wanted was
my kitty! You heartless bastards, everyone was against me, everyone."
"Would you please stop your whining."
"What do you know about it shit head?"
"I was killing people before you were ever born!"
"Do really think I give a shit you pansy, it's your fault we were
defeated."
"My fault, how do you figure?"
"What the hell's water supposed to do? You could have been a little
more creative with your powers."
"Well I didn't see you doing much, maybe if you weren't so obsessed
with that damn cat."
"What the hell did you say about my cat?"
Then the bickering was interrupted by the appearance of a new figure,
one foreign to both Poseidon and Johnny. Making first contact Johnny asks
the new player his name. Pausing for a moment the man looks up and says
"Arthur Fonzarelli."
"Oh, my god it's the fonz, I loved happy days. Quick make the
jukebox turn on!"
"Would you shut up you blubbering twit, this isn't the Fonz there is
no Fonz he was just a fictitious character played by Henry Winkler."
"Hey, boys stop the arguing. He's right I'm not the Fonz, I am
simply a telepathic hologram being projected across the cosmos. But they
originate from the real Fonz, so your both wrong!"
"You don't seem very cool."
"What do you know about it Poseidon, I was cool when you were still
in diapers. Now I have need of some powerful human resources, and though
driven to the edge you two are sufficiently qualified for the job, I will
simply need to use my coolness to pull you both out of limbo."
"And what do we get out of the deal?"
"Well Johnny, I could leave you here, with him."
"That won't be necessary Fonz, I think were both ready to go."
With this the Fonz only has to use a small portion of his resources
to pull the two powerful superhumans from limbo. When they arrive they land
next to the Fonz and Johnny looks around to see a diner full of life and
people, at first he is furious and lashes out at the Fonz.
"What the hell is this? I ended the world centuries ago."
"This is not your world Johnny, this is the world of TV land, but now
this world is too ending, we used to have a magic ticket to hold the balance
of our little color dots together."
"Little color dots?"
"Yes Poseidon, the basis of all life here in TV land, but recently
the characters from McDonald land stole the ticket and used it to travel
into your world."
"But we came in contact with those guys centuries ago, how can they
just be leaving your world?"
"Easy Johnny, they traveled back through time in reruns. But they
left a tear in the space time continuum and you can use that to travel back
to your world and stop them. I would go with you but I am needed here, my
coolness is the only thing keeping us together."
"Then the possibilities are endless, we get another shot at those
damn McDonald land characters. If were successful I can even go back to when
my kitty was still alive."
With this Poseidon and Johnny travel through the tear and enter back
in their world, right in the middle of the battle between the pork and the
cockroaches. They remember it like it was yesterday, soon those damn
pansies would ride in on Santa's sleigh, but this time they would be ready.
They would wait until Zeus and Super Grover were defeated and then they
would strike at the McDonald land characters while they were weakened.
Zeus and Super Grover then walk away into the sunset revelling in
their victory and enjoying their new found friendship. Just overhead a
plane flies across the battle field and drops an atom bomb on the two heroes.
They are not killed because... well because they're them. Then after the
mushroom cloud clears the plane flies overhead again and the characters from
the McDonalds commercials parachute out. (except for birdie of course, she
has wings.)
Ronald takes off his nose and throws it at Zeus knocking him off his
feet. Then Grimace uses his girth to knock super grover off his feet.
Zeus and Super Grover had thought that these beings were dead, but they were
really seeking shelter in the North Pole with Santa Clause. After they
fight for a while the plane lands and Santa gets out to join the fight. On
Zeus is the Fry Guys, Ronald, and Birdie. And on Super Grover is Grimace,
Hamburglar, and Mayor McCheese. Although they put up a valiant attempt at
victory, when Santa joins the fight there is nothing they can do. There
opponents fought like zombies.
Just then Johnny and Poseidon make their presence felt. They charge
at the characters taking out their leader Santa first to throw them off
guard. Then fighting breaks out and Johnny and Poseidon take out Ronald
and then the rest of the characters that have been pushed past their limits.
"I thought you guys were dead."
"We were, but now we have been resurrected to take you down. Now give
us the ticket and we can kill you slowly."
"How do you know about the ticket?"
"We were sent by the Fonz, in your pathetic attempt at domination
you have single handedly started the destruction of your home world."
"Oh, god I don't want to die!"
"God can't help you know, he got into warez really deep and his life
fell apart, but that's a different story all together."
Johnny and Poseidon casually kill the citizens of McDonald Land, and
then find the magic ticket in the pocket of Mayor McCheese.
"We better hurry to get this ticket back to the Fonz."
"You really are stupid aren't you Poseidon, we have the ticket now,
we can do anything we want. We can travel back in time and take over the
world."
"I wouldn't cross the Fonz if I were you mister, he's pretty
powerful."
"I don't need to listen to your whining."
With this Johnny uses the ticket to rearrange the colored dots that
make up Poseidon. Then he gets an idea, screw this world, I can go back to
TV land and totally recreate the universe to my wishes. Johnny first uses
the ticket to travel back in time through reruns. He travels back to the
time when his kitty was still alive.
Stepping through the television Johnny finds himself standing in his
living room. What a simple life he led back then. "My only goal to make a
friend, my how my horizons have broadened." Then just as he ends his
thoughts he is greeted by kitty coming in from the kitchen. Joyous Johnny
picks up his kitty into his arms and hugs him tightly. All else in the
world is gone now, to Johnny he is at complete peace with his kitty.
Back in TV land the Fonz strains to keep his universe in control with
his coolness. Wondering, he opens up a portal that let's him see the
activities of Johnny. The Fonz is enraged that Johnny has used the ticket
for his own personal gain so he drops a jukebox on the kitty smashing him to
the floor.
Johnny gently weeps for a moment, but then he uses the ticket to
travel even further back. He sees his kitty run into the living room but
instantly he is crushed by a flying jukebox. Angered Johnny travels back to
TV land, but he is confronted by the beast, Ritchie Cunningham. Ritchie
pushes Johnny to the floor and then jumps on him for a moment it looks as if
Johnny will be defeated, but then he remembers that he's all powerful, so he
turns Ritchie into a chipmunk. Turning around Johnny can see that the Fonz
has entered the room.
"Why won't you just leave me and my kitty alone?"
"You had a job to do, but you screwed us over!"
"All I wanted was my kitty, now you all have to pay!"
"Johnny don't do this!"
Johnny then fires up the ticket and starts to make the room twist and
turn in on the Fonz. But the Fonz uses his coolness to keep his
surroundings at bay.
"Give up Fonzie, there's no way you can keep this up forever, not even
your that cool."
"I can... keep... this up ass....ss long as you can."
"Your voice faulters, you can feel yourself losing your grip on the
world."
Sneaking up behind Johnny Ralphmalph snatches the ticket from his
hands and starts to run. Johnny chases after him but it it to late, the
ticket is placed back into the hands of the Fonz.
"Your doomed Johnny, I resurrected you only asking that you help
retrieve a simple ticket."
"Oh, piss off Fonzie your just like all the others, you just can't
stand to see me with my kitty. Your jealous, all of you jealous, jealous,
jealous!"
"It's over Johnny, I'm in control now. I will spin you off to
Laverne and Shirley where you will be doomed to K-Mart commercials with
Rosie O'Donnel."
Johnny begins to spin around still yelling the word jealous, he warps
into Laverne and Shirley where he will be trapped forever.
The End?
============================================================================
============================================================================
"close encounters of the 31337th kind"
submitted by - big daddy phorce
"hello, chris erway. call any good bee-bee-esses lately?"
"huh?"
look. there's a seventh-grader in front of me. and he's asking me
something dial-nurdy. i don't usually talk about this kind of thing in
public. hmph. i try to mask my eleetness.
"call any good bee-bee-esses lately?"
he seems like he doesn't know what he's talking about; just reading
a prepared script.
"umm.. hi. who are you?"
he points back to his little seventh-grade indian comrade.
"umm.. hi. who are YOU?"
"oh, i've called a few boards. do you know someone named phorce?
i'm on erebus."
"umm.. *I'M* phorce."
loud jazz music is playing in the background. i'm holding a
trombone. we can't quite hear eachother, and this little indian kid reminds
me of another little indian middle-schooler i met who also is a courier.
"do you know tss?"
"umm.. yeah, i know him."
"what boards to you call? erebus?"
"yeah, i'm on erebus a bit."
"who are you?"
"prolifia."
"do you post?"
"no, not really."
"hmm.. i don't know you. how did you know who i am?"
"from some board.. umm.. i forgot. it was a long time ago. i was
co on it."
"oh. okay. i run a board myself, y'know."
"oh, really? what's it called?"
"umm.. the name sucks. phantasy land."
"oh, you run a board called phantasy land? i know another phorce who
also runs a board. i don't know what it's called, though."
"that's ME. i'm phorce. with a pee-aich."
"oh, YOU'RE phorce? okay. neet."
"so - do you still call bbs's much?"
"umm.. yeah, a bit."
"and what do you do, if you don't post?"
"umm.. i download files, and stuff."
"oh, you're a warez-kiddie?"
"i guess so."
euuugh. THIS young seventh-grader is a warez-chimp. i never
realized how young i was when *i* first got into bbs'ing - or the thrill i
got from downloading my first pirated software. i guess i was his age. i
don't remember being that short, though. hmph.
"what else do you do?"
"uhh.. that, and play LORD."
"you're also a door-kiddie?"
"uhhh.. yeah, i guess."
euugh. i also remember the thrill of defeating my level two master
in that game.
"what are you guys talking about?" his other non-dork friends are
curious.
"they're talking about modem stuff. y'know, bulletin boards?" i
guess little prolifia has shown his other friends a peek at the bbs world.
"oh, you mean like AOL?"
"not really." prolifia answers.
it's my turn to solo. i get up, and start to head towards the stage.
"well - umm, call my board. it's phantasy land, 275-1403. it's
on the erebus logoff screen, if you forget."
"erebus? hey, i was on there!" says one of prolifia's friends.
"yeah, you want to go on after this? we can go and play LORD!"
aughlack.
"yeah, well, cya. call my board."
prolifia and his band of seventh-graders waddle off, in search of
more helium balloons to suck on and fight over.
my solo sucked, by the way.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"mad cow disease & you."
submitted by - mercuri
The following are exact copies of letters I received a short time ago
that follow up to present day. Enough, check them out for yourself.
[-------]
The Socialist Party
1353 Pinko Way
Bejiing, China 234123-1232
raD World Head Quarters
3142 Erebus Road
Bentfork, New Jeresy 23423-7543
USA
28, March 1996
Re: Your stupid country!
To whom it may concern at raD;
We have been reading your 'zine since issue one. It was funny, of
course until we got to the part where you made fun of communists. Then we
got mad, not to mad mind you. We wrote it off as nothing. Next issue, we
see their is more wise-cracks about communism. Not funny. Now we start to
take it personally. Next issue, we got some wacky-ass running around our
country killing communists in the name of your 'zine, Handle I think his
name was. Now we begin to plot revenge.
Mr. Mercuri, if that is your real name. By the time you read this,
the headlines will have most definetly hit the news. We have infected the
water supply of your cattle. Something invented by a friend of mine, his
name is "Mad Cow," remember that.
Cordially,
<signed>
Dickey Slanted
Socialist Party President
[--------]
raD World Head Quarters
3142 Erebus Road
Bentfork, New Jeresy 23423-7543
USA
The Communist Party
1353 Pinko Way
Bejiing, China 234123-1232
31, March 1996
Re: You dumb ass gooks.
Dear Dickey,
You screwed up! Check out my address again, see? USA, not England.
However, you lousy commies are good for something! You infected more than
500,000 monarchists! Gee hee hee. I'm giddy.
Love,
<signed>
Mercuri
[--------]
The Socialist Party
1353 Pinko Way
Bejiing, China 234123-1232
raD World Head Quarters
3142 Erebus Road
Bentfork, New Jeresy 23423-7543
USA
1, April 1996
Re: Curses, foiled again!
Dear Mercuri,
Damn you! Next time Mercuri! Next time!
P.S. Your mom is dumb.
Kiss my ass,
<signed>
Dickey Slanted
Socialist Party President
============================================================================
============================================================================
"things i wonder about"
submitted by - mercuri
who the heck is the king of darkness?
who wrote those signs that say "slow children at play" .. i'm sure those
kids parents don't appreciate the city calling their children names.
who made this whole cops and donuts association?
why did i just lick a battery?
who are these "cereal" rapists? pass the kellogs.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"cooking with raD."
submitted by - handle
Ham and Cheese Souffle
16 slices bread 8 slices ham
6 beaten eggs 8 slices American cheese
3 c. milk Butter
1 tsp. dry mustard Crushed corn flakes
Butter one side of each slice of bread and put 8 slices on the bottom
of a 9x13 inch pan. Layer with ham; next put a layer of cheese and top with
other 8 slices of bread, butter side up. Mix eggs, milk and dry mustard.
Pour over bread and let sit overnight. Before baking top with crushed corn
flakes and stick of melted butter. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"big hippy rant."
submitted by - mercuri
jerry garcia did for peace what i do for the homeless. nothing.
that faggot was a god damn millionaire, and me? oh, i'm nothing, i'm
labeled as a crazy man for wishing death among the communist's. i'm talking
about a guy who did nothing but get wasted his entire life, just get wasted
to get wasted, what kind of reason is that? why did he want peace? because
peace is definetly easier than war, that lazy ass bastard. now you have a
bunch of dead heads, roaming around society, mostly jobless, living with
their parents, learning for the first time how to cook something besides
macaroni and cheese. now who do they blame? us. why? because we're the
majority. but who _should_ they blame? themselves, why? well, because they
are the reason for their own demise. face it crybaby, loser will always be
loser, insane will always be insane. and _you_ will never get your way.
nyah. things never change, and pot will never be legalized. oh, and you
will _always_ be wrong no matter what you say.
anywho, remind me to act like that more often, i like it.
ok, sorry... i know it wasn't that big. but it is the biggest hippy
rant you've seen so far, right? if you disagree, read that last sentence
again.
============================================================================
============================================================================
radioactive aardvark dung * a monthly 'zine published by aardvark industries
president/head editor/writer * mercuri * vice-president/writer * handle
raD mega'zine whq is * erebus * sysop * hooch @ 201-762-1373
ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/rad * rad@erebus.magsystems.com
be sure to read rad-dist.ro
http://pla-net.net/~jwapienn/zineworld/rad/
============================================================================
============================================================================
