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red-003
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Almost Proudly Presents:
RED-2.5.TXT aka
"How to Hack Your Way Out of a Paper Bag"
by Black Francis (America's Sweetheart)
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Someone once told me, that I probably couldn't hack my way out of a paper
bag. So, being the curious little booger I am, I tried it. Trust me, it's
not as hard as it sounds. First, make sure you have a paper bag handy. The
easiest kinds to hack are the little tiny cutesy-wutesy lunch bags. The
larger grocery bags are pretty hefty, and rather thick compared to the lunch
bags. Next, you want to make sure you have a knife. I also found out that
if you have even an ounce of strength, you could probably hack one of those
lunch bags with a plastic spoon.. but I think that's, like, for professional
hackers. Anyway, take the knife, and stick it in the bag. Make sure you're
still holding onto it - that's very important! Finally, poke the sharp end
of the knife through the bag, and thrash away. It's imperative that you use
the sharp end. The end you hold onto is not as sharp, and it hurts your hand
when you hold onto the sharp end. There, you've hacked your way out of a
paper bag! Congratulations!
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Super-Duperly Proudly Presents:
RED-003.TXT aka
"Them Damn Mentos Commercials!"
by: Black Francis
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-[WARNING! READ THIS BEFORE PROCEDDING!]-
Hola. One thing before we start, if you've never seen a Mentos commercial
in your entire life, reading this next article is completely and utterly
worthless. You just won't get it (although I'm sure some who have seen them
won't get it, either). Please, go back and read the previous article over
and over until you throw up all over the place. Thank you.
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Ok, so it may seem like a pretty lame subject to write about, but I can't
stand it anymore. Every time I flick on the tube, it's another mind-numbing
Mentos commercial. But, for some reason, I don't change the channel. What
attracts me to each and every dull-yet-fascinating episode of these Eurpoean
beauties? They have the annoying yet irresistable charm of a B-52's video.
Personally, I think they use hypnotisim through subliminal messages, but
that's just my theory.
Who are the geniuses who come up with these things? Someone is getting
paid a shitload of money to make these damn commercials. That would be the
best job in the world. I could make up a Mentos commercial in 5 seconds,
maybe even less, and some bozo is getting paid out his asshole to do it? Ok,
let's see. Grab a stopwatch. Ready? ......GO!
Guy gets into an accident and gets out of the car and the person he hit is
a lawyer and is going to sue him but then the guy who smacked into him pulls
out a pack of Mentos and everything is cool.
Ok. Time? That could be a personal best, although, that basically is the
plot of every Mentos commercial. They just change the idea slightly for
each one. Which brings me to the whole idea of carrying a pack of Mentos
in case you ever get in some sort of trouble. I tried something, an
experiment if you will. I went to the 7-11 and bought some Mentos. Then,
I placed them in my back pocket and continued the rest of the day as I
normally would. Here's how it went: (please kids, don't try this at home)
I began the day by going to school as usual. Once in school, I realized
I had forgot to do my algebra homework. But, instead of rushing to do it,
I decided to put my Mentos into action for the first time. As the Algebra
teacher made his rounds, checking homework, I pryed the candies from my
pocket. Then, the big moment came;
"Justin, where's your homework?" he said.
"I don't have it, Mr. Appelbaum. BUT, I do have some.. MENTOS!" I said,
and with blinding speed, I whooped out the Mentos and flashed them in front
of his face. He stared at me blankly for a minute or so. The class seemed
puzzled, almost. Like I had just said something in a foreign language.
"The Freshmaker, Mr. Appelbaum!" I added. He still wouldn't budge. After
standing in front of me for what seemed like an hour saying nothing, he then
finally moved. He scribbled something down in his notebook, and then moved
on. Alright! It worked! Whee! After wallowing in my own glory for the
rest of the period, the bell rang and I was on my way out of the door, the
teacher called me to his desk.
"Alright. Here's your detention slip for not doing your homework today."
Once again, I shoved the Mentos in his face.
"What are you doing, Justin?"
Then I broke into a gigantic phoney smile. I stuck the Mentos ever closer
to his face, he seemed to be getting edgy.
"Will you please get them out of my face?!" he said. Then he started to
write me a pass for some reason.
"Go to the office, Mr. Hottenstein will have more patience with you then
I do." he said as he ripped the little yellow piece of paper from the pad and
handed it to me. I put the Mentos back into my pocket and continued to the
office. After waiting there while Mr. Hottenstein yelled and screamed at
some other deliquent, I was called in. Without saying anything, I pulled out
the Mentos and stuck them about one inch in front of his face.
In a matter of minutes I was home. Out of school suspension. Ok, maybe
I was sticking the Mentos too close to everyone's face, and they couldn't
read the label. So, when my dad got home, I attempted the Mentos trick again.
After informing him I had a two day out of school suspension, I prepared my
Mentos.
"A two day out of school suspension? For *WHAT*?" he screamed. Without a
word, I smiled, and showed him the Mentos. It didn't work. I found myself
grounded for a month, and not being able to go to the Helmet concert. Grr..
Then I thought maybe I was barking up the wrong tree, so-to-speak. Maybe
I should try the power of Mentos elsewhere. You know, push them to their
limit. Give them a run for their money. So, later that night, I snuck
out (it wasn't easy considering I have a third story aparment - ouch). So,
to *REALLY* test the power of Mentos, I went out and robbed a 7-11. Sounds
a little extreme, but judging by some of these Mentos commercials, they're
pretty powerful. With my trusty rifle in hand, I walked into the 7-11 and
began to fire at everything, but spared the clerk because, hey, he sold me
the Mentos. I told him to call the police, and made sure he informed them
that I had a high-powered rifle. Not to much later, the police arrived.
Ahh.. here we go. I began randomly firing at the cops, and even took a few
of them out. Joyous day! When they began to get an itsy-bitsy too close to
hitting me, I pulled the Mentos out of my pocket and ran towards the police,
dodging bullets the best that I could.
"I GOT MENTOS!" I screamed, trying to talk over the rapid fire of the
police.
"LOOK! MOTHER FUCKING MENTOS!!" I screamed once again. I ducked behind a
Coca-Cola display and took a few Mentos out of the package, and began
tossing them at the cops. I think I took out one or two, but it didn't
hold them off for very long. I grasped the last of the Mentos, and leaped
up from the behind the display. I raised the Mentos in the air like I was
the statue of liberty. The cops stopped firing, and began to look at each
other. Just as I thought, it worked! It was just a matter of time. The
adreniline was still pumping, but I knew it was all over. I started to walk
towards the officers, Mentos still in hand.
"See? I have Mentos. You can relax, boys." I sighed. The cops looked at
me again and smiled.
"The Freshmaker." I heard one of them say. Then, they their smiles turned
to rather grim frowns. What? What was wrong, damnit?!
"Those aren't Mentos, buddy. They're those cheap Lance Mento ripoffs!" one
of them screamed. My heart jumped into my throat. No wonder they weren't
working all day, they're not really Mentos!
Next thing I knew, everything was moving in slow motion. The cops began
firing at me, using all the firepower they had. They must have put holes in
every part of my body. Luckily, I lived, but I'm paralyzed from the neck
down, and I'm typing this from the hospital by twitching my eyebrows. It
takes me about a week to type a full sentence, and it hurts like a bitch.
As for what I did at the 7-11, they let me off. When the police came to
question me at the hospital, I had my friend run down to the hospital store
and get me some real Mentos. When they arrived at my room, I had Mentos all
over. Bouquets made of Mentos. Mentos taped to the walls. Mentos sewed to
my sheets. I was even wearing a hospital gown made of Mentos. Needless to
say, all charges were dropped, and I'm essentially a free man. Well, judging
by the immense pain in my eyebrows, it's time to take my medicine again. So,
until next time, adios, and remember: Be prepared! - Carry Mentos wherever
you go.
Keep circulating the tapes.
Push the button, Frank.
