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Radioactive Aardvark Dung Issue 09
======= "coming at you with maximum prejiduce and love of violence." =======
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radioactive aardvark dung % issue #9 % released september 28, ninety-six
without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, UCC 1-207
rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373
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dedicated to the patriotic spirit of
dead cheese - your writing shall be missed.
dead cheese joined the navy - for six years
we can all rest easy knowing that dead cheese
is guarding our nation's borders.
*GIGGLE*
============================================================================
============================================================================
"contents"
hearken to - mercuri
in this issue of rad e-zine we're going to bump n' grind into the
the topics of; the rad bunker, communists (and therefore old jokes), hippies
(and therefore more old jokes), cyberpunks, two gay french people (no, not
eerie), one small moslem boy, toilet paper, tom & jerry, adolf hitler, &
more life in indiana!
============================================================================
============================================================================
"introduction"
typed by - mercuri
well, it's been quite an eventful month here at the rad bunker.
"bunker?"
oh! i forgot to tell you?
"yeah!"
rad has purchased a bunker in the american southwestern desert. as
usual, we know something you don't know. so enjoy this copy of rad. if we
don't get our way -- it may be your last.
[-----]
i've gotten loads of positive feedback about rad eight. it seems
that it was our best issue -- or at the least, one of our best issues -- to
date.
this issue is a bit late. what do you expect? you should know us
better by now. all of our issues have been late. boy, you are as dumb as
you look.
moving right on down the line, we'd like our readers (yes, all nine
hundred of you) to welcome phorce to the esteemed position of co-editor.
he'll be going through the issues before they release and correct all
grammar & story problems. do not mail him and bring to his attention that
his job sucks. he'll also be writing for us.
"hi, phorce!"
"guten tag, herr phorce!"
"hola, senor phorce!"
"salut, monsieur phorce!"
december 9th will commemerate our one-year anniversary! everyone
said it couldn't be done, but we did it!# woohoo. even though i've thought
about killing rad four or five times, i've always decided to keep publishing
it. i'm really happy me & handle have stuck with it this long; we're really
starting to get better. YEAH, IT TOOK AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR.
everyone be sure to read distro.app. i rewrote it and it's even
funnier now. can you beleive that shit? also, call up your local BBS and
post rad.nfo. start campaigning!
take note, our new e-mail address is rad@alfheim.net. i'm in the
process of setting up a mailing list on it. do not send email to rad@erebus
any longer; if you need to reach me on erebus just mail mercuri.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"cyberpunk pick-up lines"
cleverly created by - mercuri
here's a list of ways to pick up chicks WHILE ONLINE!
[-----]
<mercuri> could you tell me where #weightroom is?
<mercuri> me and the author of mIRC are like THIS.
* mercuri intertwines his index and middle finger, suggesting friendship.
<mercuri> my tounge is faster than my p200, baby.
<stalin> my right hand is faster than my p200, baby.
<mercuri> let me just insert my dick in here...
<mercuri> OOPS! did i say DICK? i meant DISK!
============================================================================
============================================================================
"it's a horrible life"
as confessed by - handle
once again my ears rang from the clasping of the thunder. sitting
atop a stone pillar at the end of a wrought-iron gate, i wondered what
exactly had brought me to "the big easy." the rain started to come down
even harder and in the distance i could see lightning strike a giant oak
tree.
i was just fooling myself; i knew exactly what had drawn me here. a
sin from my past that, no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't forget. it
was the secret that i had harbored this whole time. the secret that
ultimately made me stop writing for rad. i can never go back; if i told
them what i did, they'd never forgive me. now that i've seen rad-8, i know
that they don't need me after all. there's only one more thing left for me
to do before i end it all: i have to face the sin of my past.
it was in this cursed city that it happened all those years ago. it
was a stormy night, much like tonight, when i saw the small muslim boy,
huddling in the alley without food or covers. taking him by the hand, i led
him back to my house. with a gentle hand i gave him a hot meal and a change
of clothes. the boy stayed in my house until the next morning, when i took
him to a homeless shelter. that boy is alive today because of me. how can
i ever forgive myself?
my tireless search has finally led me to this house. that muslim boy
is now a muslim teen, and is living with two homosexual frenchmen. there is
one last thing i have to do before ending my life...
[-----]
burning down the boy's house with him and his family asleep inside
really felt good. i know that it doesn't make up for what i did, but it
kind of helps. my voyage was finally over -- or so i thought. just as i
put a revolver to my head, something happened that would change my life
forever.
suddenly, i was engulfed by a bright white light, and before me was a
man dressed like colombo.
"hello handle, my name's buzz."
"that's a nice american name."
"yes it is. anyways -- i'm your guardian angel, and if you kill
yourself, i'll never get my wings."
"so you're just in this for yourself?"
"of course."
"i can respect that, buzz. but there's no reason for me to go on
living."
"i beg to differ, handle; you were put on the earth for a very
specific reason. if you die, the rad that we know will be gone forever."
"you're wrong, buzz, rad doesn't need me, it never needed me. you
did read issue eight, right?"
"oh, be ye of little faith. why don't we take a look at what rad
would be like if you had never joined?"
"how are we supposed to do tha..."
[-----]
with another flash of white light, we were gone. at first i thought
that i was dead anyway, but then we materialized in a giant house in beverly
hills.
"hey look, there's mercuri! hi, mercuri!"
"he can't hear you handle, nor see you. no one can."
"who are those people hanging all over mercuri?"
"those are supermodels, handle. you see, since you never joined rad,
who was there to start the trend of pointless stories filled with obscure
references that ultimately ended with the apocalypse?"
"nobody, i guess."
"that is correct. without you the quality of writing in rad kept
increasing until, finally, it gained national fame and all the writers became
rich beyond belief."
"where am i in this terrible reality, buzz?"
"come, let us look."
with another flash of blinding light, i found myself hovering above
my own body.
"gasp, i still live in indiana! i'm in the same poolhall that i go
to every day!"
"that's right, handle, since you never joined rad, you're the only
one that didn't become rich."
"then send me back, buzz, send me back! i can't commit suicide! i
must live to rejoin rad and take the rest of the writers down with me!"
with another blinding flash of light, i was gone.
============================================================================
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"hippies are STILL dumb"
captured by - mercuri [aka the conformed peice of shit]
date: 9:36 pm Sun Sep 22, 1996Üþ number : 200 of 20ÞÜß ß° ÜÞÝ Ü °Ü°ß
fROM: Stone The Crow Ü ßÜÝ ßÜ refer #: alt.zines ÞÜ ÝÞÜßÜÝÞ±Ý޲ܲÝÞ
tO : Mercuri Üþß°° ÜßÜßÝ ß Ü replies: 0 Üß±ßÜßßßܲßßÜßßßÜß
subj: Re: radioactißÞÜ ÜßþßÜß ÜÜÝti! þ Origin : None ß²ÝÞ²°Üß°ÛÜÛ°ßÜ°±Ý
ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÝÜÜÜÛßßÛ°ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü Ü Ü Ü ÞÜ ßÜß°²°ÜÝßÞÜ°²±ßÜ
M> i've come to the conclusion that none of you bastards have read my
M> side-splitting communist-killing hippie-beating head-crushing
M> electronic-delight e-zine... RADIOACTIVE AARDVARK DUNG.
No, no I haven't. Marijuana is more my game. Violence and hate is for
faggots. Enjoy.
[-----]
what? enjoy what?
maybe handle knows...
*ring*
handle: "HEHllo.
merc: "yo."
handle: "whattup?"
merc: "is there anything to enjoy about marijuana?"
handle: "nope."
merc: "is violence & hate for faggots?"
handle: "no. it's for the children of the world."
merc: "that's what i thought. millie gratzie."
handle: "adios."
[-----]
date: 9:33 pm Thu Sep 26, 1996 number : 198 of 215 °ßÜÜÛßÜÜÜÛÜßÜÜßÛß
frOm: Stone The Crow ÜÜ base : alt.zines ÞÝÞÜÛßÜÜÜßßßÛßßÜ Û
tO : Primordial Soup Ý refer #: 194 Û ±²ÛÝÞÛÛÛÝÞÜÝÞÛ ß
subj: Re: radioactive aardvarkÜÝung replies: 0 ÞÝÞ²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÛ²ßßÜÜ°
stat: Normal ÜÜÜÜÜÜÛܱßÝ Origin : °ÜßÜÛÛÛÛÛ۲ܲ²Û²ß
ÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜ°ÜÜÜ ÜÜÛÛÜÛÜܱÜÜßßÛÛÛ²ÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ°ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ°ÜÜÜÜÜ°±²° ²ßÜÜßßÛÛÛÛÛßÛ²ß
M> Drugs are for whimps.
PS> i have a friend that does drugs, and i sure as hell wouldn't mess with
PS> him. he's a big badass.. so i guess that does away with your theory =)
M>
M> actually, i was speaking in mental terms. i know a few druggies who can
M> handle themselves. i mean will power-wise.
PS> i know dis =) .. i was playin round... i do smoke bud though.. oh well..
Fuck him. He's a conformed piece of shit.
[-----]
frOm: 11:47 pm Fri Sep 27, 1996Üßti°! base : 216 of 220² ²ßܱ°°±Üß±°±²Ü Ü
frOm: Mercuri þ ß° ßÜþÞÝ refer #: alt.zines ²ÝÞ±²±ß°±ÝÞ±°±²ÝÞ
tO : Stone The Crow ° ßÜÞÝ Ý replies: 0 ÝÞ² ±°°±°± °ßÜÜ Üß
subj: Re: radioactive aaþ ÜÝ ÞÝþÞÜ°ßÜÝ Origin : None ß ß²Ü±ßßßÜ°°²Ü Ü ±
ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÜÛÜÛ°Ü ÜÛÜ ÜÜ Ü Ü Ü Ü Üݱ Üßßß°ßÜÜ ÜÞ±ÝÞ
M> actually, i was speaking in mental terms. i know a few druggies who can
M> handle themselves. i mean will power-wise.
PS> i know dis =) .. i was playin round... i do smoke bud though.. oh well..
ST>
ST> Fuck him. He's a conformed piece of shit.
ahahaha... i buy my jeans and the gap, and i get my hair cut at SUPERCUTS
and i wear NIKE AIRs cuz they make me jump higher....
[-----]
date: 4:56 pm Fri Sep 27, 1996Üþ number : 209 of 21ÞÜß ß° ÜÞÝ Ü °Ü°ß
frOm: G. Washington Ü ßÜÝ ßÜ refer #: alt.zines ÞÜ ÝÞÜßÜÝÞ±Ý޲ܲÝ
tO : Primordial SoupÜþß°° ÜßÜßÝ ß Ü replies: 0 Üß±ßÜßßßܲßßÜßßßÜ
subj: Re: radioactißÞÜ ÜßþßÜß ÜÜÝti! þ Origin : None ß²ÝÞ²°Üß°ÛÜÛ°ßÜ°±
ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÝÜÜÜÛßßÛ°ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü Ü Ü Ü ÞÜ ßÜß°²°ÜÝßÞÜ°²±ß
PS> weed blackens your lungs 20 times quicker than cig's, but cigs'll give
PS> you cancer long before weed will... it's the chemicals in cigarettes
PS> that give ...
You're still wrong dude. Weed causes cancer as well, and quicker. Weed
does contain nicotine, and tar. However, if you wanna believe otherwise,
fine, maybe the weed you smoke is so diluted, it IS less destructive than
cigs. US teens actually have been found with stuff so diluted it was only
10-15% hemp, the rest is mixed up shit.
GW [iCE]
[-----]
frOm: 11:54 pm Fri Sep 27, 1996Üßti°! base : 219 of 220² ²ßܱ°°±Üß±°±²Ü Ü
frOm: Mercuri þ ß° ßÜþÞÝ refer #: alt.zines ²ÝÞ±²±ß°±ÝÞ±°±²ÝÞ
tO : G. Washington ° ßÜÞÝ Ý replies: 0 ÝÞ² ±°°±°± °ßÜÜ Üß
subj: Re: radioactive aaþ ÜÝ ÞÝþÞÜ°ßÜÝ Origin : None ß ß²Ü±ßßßÜ°°²Ü Ü ±
ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÛÜÛÜÛ°Ü ÜÛÜ ÜÜ Ü Ü Ü Ü Üݱ Üßßß°ßÜÜ ÜÞ±ÝÞ
GW> Umm, you don't wanna go there with me dude, I'm a substance abuse
GW> councilor in the Marines, I am constantly getting education on the
GW> subjects, Marijuana has almost ten times more poisonous toxins than
GW> cigarettes.
watch out now, buddy. they're going to either call you a military-gay or a
conformist.
[-----]
date: 9:36 pm Sun Sep 22, 1996Üþ number : 200 of 20ÞÜß ß° ÜÞÝ Ü °Ü°ß
frOm: Mercuri Ü ßÜÝ ßÜ refer #: alt.zines ÞÜ ÝÞÜßÜÝÞ±Ý޲ܲÝÞ
tO : Stone The Crow Üþß°° ÜßÜßÝ ß Ü replies: 0 Üß±ßÜßßßܲßßÜßßßÜß
subj: Re: radioactißÞÜ ÜßþßÜß ÜÜÝti! þ Origin : None ß²ÝÞ²°Üß°ÛÜÛ°ßÜ°±Ý
ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÛÝÜÜÜÛßßÛ°ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜ ÜÜ Ü Ü Ü Ü ÞÜ ßÜß°²°ÜÝßÞÜ°²±ßÜ
PS> weed blackens your lungs 20 times quicker than cig's, but cigs'll give
PS> you cancer long before weed will... it's the chemicals in cigarettes
PS> that give you cancer mostly ... so uhmmmmmmmm bye =) <--- was gonna make
PS> another point but forgot what it was... must be all the weed =(
ST>
ST> Think about it. Douche bag there was in the marines or whatever gays
ST> from american military thing it was and all his information comes
ST> directly the u.s. government. How truthful can it be. <snicker> Never
ST> believe ANYTHING a post-government dillweed tells you. They're lyin'
ST> for the good of national security. <snort>
ahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha! what did i tell you? i thought he was
only going to call you one of those things; he called you _both_ of them!
damn, i'm smooooth
[-----]
do you realize i couldn't have been any more RIGHT? that was the pinnacle
of rightness. B1G BR0THER 1Z WATCH1NG!#@
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"free toilet paper"
as wiped by - mercuri [aka the man who walks on the stone path]
no more bow-legged trips to the linen closet for more toilet paper!
all you have to do is print this article out and, voila! free toilet paper!
you might want to print out a few copies if you're a messy pooper.
cut along the dotted lines
[-----]
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"tom and jerry meet mccarthy"
written by - phorce
the large feline crept toward the small rodent, maliciously wielding
its claws and purring intimidatingly. "i shall get you, silly mouse," it
cried as it struck down and smited the mouse with one mighty blow.
the mouse cried out as it died, yelling "commie cat bastard!"
"did someone say ... 'commie?'"
joe mccarthy strode into the room. "i'm SURE someone said the word
'commie.'" he quickly opened his briefcase. "we're going to have to have
a hearing, i think."
"niet ... i mean, no!" cried the cat as it swiped at good'ol joe with
his paw.
"a student of russian, mr. cat?" joe mccarthy, american hero, asked.
"no," flatly denied tom. it batted at the air and played with
some string.
"so, when you say 'no,' you mean, 'yes, i am a communist homosexual,'
right?" accused joe.
"what?" cried tom. it drank a little milk.
"is this your dish of milk, mr. cat?"
"yes."
"exactly as we thought," said mccarthy, suspectingly.
"huh?"
"well, mr. cat, that wraps it up. hold still a minute." joe took
a large red patch emblazened with the hammer and sickle logo and slapped
it on the cat's arm.
"now we know who you are, mr. cat! a communist!"
"hey, i'm not a communist! you just put that on me!"
"well -- uh, it matches your fur."
"does not."
"well -- uh, bye."
"hey!" shouted tom as joe mccarthy, defender of the american way,
left mr. cat's company and strode off, to seek out new communists in the
cartoon industry.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"hal08 sticks it to the pinkos"
captured by - mercuri "the capturin' fool"
(hal08) i was with this kid today.. he had a russian sign on his hat.. and
he said he believed in marxism
(hal08) and when ever he said something.. i told him to "shutup, you stupid
commie!" and beat him on the head :)
============================================================================
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"istep+ testing"
lamented by - mercuri
on selected years in indiana we have to take a state generated test
called the istep+ tests.
anyway. today we took one test called "analogies". we all know what
those are -- atleast i hope we all do. they give you two pictures, here's
an example:
__________ __________
| pic. of | pic. of |
| dog | doghouse | a) gas station
|----------|----------| b) garage
| pic. of | | c) can of oil
| car | | d) dogfood
|__________|__________|
now, what you're supposed to do is look at the first example, this is
what you're supposed to say in your head:
dog is to dog house as a car is to a (b) garage.
see how easy that is? i thought so, too. but then the last fucking
problem of the test is THIS.
__________ __________
| half an | one duck |
| apple | foot | a) human ear
|----------|----------| b) human foot
| a quarter| | c) rabbit ear
| (money) | | d) goat hoof
|__________|__________|
half an apple is to a duck foot as a quarter is to... uh..
what the fuck? a human ear? a foot? a.. what the hell is
that? a rabbit ear?! a GOAT HOOF!?
okay. am i the idiot here? how in the name of GOD can a half an
apple be compared to a DUCK FOOT? how in the hell is a quarter related to
any one of those animal parts? seriously, if you know let me know. maybe
it's beyond my farm-boy comprehension.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"life in indiana: update"
spoketh by - mercuri
in rad #1 handle told you a little bit about life in indiana; but
things have changed oh-so-drastically since then. down in southern indiana
there a lot of indian tribes, so when the indians ran out of corn, or
"maize," where do they come? well, non other than crown point, indiana!
it took all us towns folk by the straps of our overalls. i remember
when we first got news of their arrival. they came marchin' into town
beatin' their war drums like there was no tommara'. then, afters they was
done beatin' our kids and rapin' our women, they done killed the mayor, i
reckon.
as of now, we're still trying to get along with the indians, but they
really don't want to cooperate. the other day an algonquin medicine man
stole a cherokee tribe's virgin. talk about not being able to sleep -- we
were afraid the cherokee's were gonna sack the entire town! what would we
do without our lean-to?
the other day in school, i got word the my good friend joe was on his
way to school that morning when, wham-bam, he was scalped by a chippewa
tribesman. ya see, it's just not safe around here anymore. daddy says if
he gets the new job at the general store he's gonna save all his beaver
pelts and get us a wagon, so we'll be able to move outta this hogslop town.
wouldn't that be nice.
there's another thing, too. i haven't seen a herd of buffalo in
these parts for a few months, and all of a sudden the damn indians are
coming back home with thousands of buffalo skins. i'd really like to know
where in the hell they're getting them from. damn them -- they'll never
tell us.
oh well. there you have it. as depressing as it may be, that's life
in indiana for you. god, what i wouldn't do for the simple life again.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"breakfast of champions (genocidal maniac champions)"
submitted by - [silly] k0de
flipping through the channels i came upon this:
[-----]
cliff: "cliff here, with adolf hitler."
adolf: "hello, cliff."
cliff: "adolf... do you think breakfast is the most important meal of the
day?"
adolf: "well yes, i do."
cliff: "so it makes sense that you eat the best food, right?"
adolf: "of course."
cliff: "have you ever considered eating breakfast for lunch?"
adolf: "well i suppose, bu--"
cliff: "of course... think of all the jews you could kill!"
adolf: "wehelll... you've got a point there!"
cliff: "and why not eat breakfast for dinner?"
adolf: "those damn cripples wouldn't know what hit 'em!"
cliff: "well there ya have it folks, stop in at IHOP for breakfast: the meal
of genocidal maniacs."
============================================================================
============================================================================
"manny the hippie"
submitted by - mercuri
i just heard this on headline news.
manny the hippie, the kid who reviewed movies for david letterman on
his show was arrested in california this week. ohio police saw him on
letterman's program and arrested him for leaving the state of ohio after
being on probation for marijuana possession.
manny said, "i knew they'd find me sooner or later. i'm on tv."
wait! there's more.
manny said, "not to worry though, dude. i've got a job now."
manny faces up to eighteen months in prison.
(once again proving my theory: hippies = dumb)
============================================================================
============================================================================
"how to kill a communist"
submitted by - mel farr suppastar
what this requires:
1) money (you will use this to buy the model rocket stuff)
2) communist
3) that's it!
[-----]
how to kill the communist:
1) find a communist.
(does he/she do communist things? in fact, anyone suspicious-looking
will do fine.)
2) befriend him/her/it.
3) buy one of those "estes model rocket starter kits."
4) buy some rocket engines and batteries.
5) put the rocket together.
6) get ready for a launch.
7) meanwhile, make idle chat on the phone with your new commie "friend".
8) tell your commie about the rocket launch you will be hosting tomorrow.
9) host a rocket launch session tomorrow.
10) make sure the weather conditions permit, and setup your launch when the
commie in question arrives.
11) launch the rocket.
12) once the rocket launches, pull out your concealed shotgun and kill the
commie while he's watching the rocket launch.
13) report that the commie was murdered by a black woman with one hand.
============================================================================
============================================================================
"editorial indescritions"
rudely inserted by - the high editorial reverend phorce
someday, i think i will have to kill everyone on this earth who lacks
the ability to fathom what a comma is for. excluding toddlers and children
still below the high school level.
next, i will kill all the apostrophe-misusers. next, those that mix
their homonyms.
finally, i shall eliminate all that don't know what order to put
quotation marks and punctuation in.
however -- i fret that i shall have eliminated ALL OF THE RAD WRITING
STAFF. that would be bad.
maybe another day.
============================================================================
============================================================================
radioactive aardvark dung e-zine % issue #9
rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373
get past & future issues from :: ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/rad
send us your comments & submissions :: rad@alfheim.net
special updates % "subscribe rad" in message body
www site :: http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad
attn sysops :: be sure to read distro.app
============================================================================
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